[fauxgina]

I am a newlywed (married late last December), and my husband and I have an excellent emotional relationship--I trust him and confide in him more than I ever have trusted anyone. We were in a long-distance relationship for seven years (which apparently isn't unusual for adoptees--it's "safer"), and I moved to England to be with him over a year ago now. However, our sex life has always been terrible. I have simply had no desire to have sex, and my husband is the one who pointed it out to me several years ago when we were still dating. His exact words were: "I think you avoid having sex with me." An astute observation, and painfully true.

Does anyone else find this to be an issue for them? I'm concerned that, as an adoptee, it comes from issues stemming from my early childhood. It's a little embarrassing to talk about, but we're granted a certain amount of anonymity here and everyone seems so willing to share their own experiences and offer advice, I thought this might be a good place to address my concern.

Just to clarify: I have had no sexual abuse in my past, this is probably more of a trust issue than anything else. I just can't understand why I'm doing this to my poor husband. He's very understanding and does not push the issue, but I feel terribly guilty and worry that he's taking it harder than he lets on to protect me. I don't want him to think I don't love him, but what else is he supposed to think? How do I find out what my issues really are and deal with them? I'm so frustrated and confused... Any advice and/or insights would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[sal]

I'm a big advocate of counseling...took me 40 some years to do it myself... but the benefit was UNBELIEVABLE! I'm an adoptee who during counseling found my strength, searched for and located my bmother. We have been in a wonderful reunion for 6 years now.. that includes siblings, her husband and a huge extended family. Things settled down in all aspects of my life.. including the on again, OFF again libido. I'm not sure why that's affected when one's emotional rollercoasters won't slow down but it sure does. Maybe one thing you could consider is that perhaps you are unconsciously trying to not repeat your bmother's actions.. although even though you are married...???? Just a random thought....first thing that popped into my mind...I wish you well... my connections with my husband improved SIGNIFICANTLY after my counseling and subsequent reunion.. I wish you well... sal

[Lynard1210]

I'm an adoptee and have not experienced what you are describing; however, i'm not saying that it could not be in fact related to adoption. I have a suspicion it is related to fear of intimacy. I think counseling is a great recommendaiton . . . . doing it myself and feeling a lot better.

One practical thing you could do is exercise - it always seems to increase my libido . . but if this isn't a libido issue, then it does sound like fear of getting close. Don't worry, though . . this can be worked on. Where there is a will, there is a way.

[amyshaw]

I have a friend of mine who is adopted, and she adamantly refuses to be intimate with any man because of the fear of repeating her bmom's mistakes. I, on the other hand, went the other way. I never felt a part of my adopted family, so I sought out "affection" with some one long before I was ready, emotionally or financially, which is why I was forced to place my daughter for adoption. I agree with the others--find a counselor who specializes in adoption issues. You'd be amazed how much this will help in all aspects of your life.

[MaryannsMiracle]

Sadly, I am a member of the same club "Aviod Sex at All Costs Club" To me it is like a chore and when I was in my last relationship 12yrs ago, I would lay there and think of how I should be doing laundry. cleaning the bathroom or scrubbing floors. Sometimes I would have to imagine I was skiing down a mountain just to get my mind off of it until it was over. Then I would feel like "Why did I even do that?" Most of the time I would not even bother but the there were those few times when i would feel guilty for not wanting to do it. Trust me the times were far and few between..

I know this is not normal and I have no desire to find out why. I am very happy alone. The thing is I had a hysterectomy when I was 22yrs old so that could be part of the reason(what I though all along) I never really put my adoptee status into the equation. I will keep it in mind though
If you do find out if it has anything to do with being adopted, let me know.


God Bless,

Maryann

[akcskye]

I'm not so sure it's being adopted as it being trust.

I am not adopted, but I was raised in such a fashion that was "trust no one but yourself" or "if you can't do it by yourself, don't get it started".

It's VERY hard for me to be in any sort of "submissive" role, including lovemaking...but, thankfully, our emotional aspect of our marriage is very strong and secure, and when we do have sex, it's GREAT...it just doesn't happen often at all.

Myself, I wouldn't seek out counseling...I mean, why would I want to go and spill my guts to someone who promises confidentiality and goes home and tells their partner all about their day and how "x doesn't give it to her hubby"...all for hubby to "get it" more? You know? LOL

That's just my take on it...but I still don't think being an adoptee is the reason as much as trust, and anyone can have those issues, adopted or not.

[fauxgina]

Thanks for everyone's honesty and suggestions so far. I really appreciate your thoughts, opinions, and personal experiences.

When my husband and I do have sex, it's almost always because I feel so guilty for having let so much time pass since the last time. It is for his gratification only, and while I enjoy making him happy, it does very little for me. We know that you don't have to have sex to have sex, if you know what I mean, but I'm not interested in any of it. My point of view is, if I'm not enjoying it, why should I do it? That's a selfish view, but sex without pleasure for one or the other does no one any favors. But that's what sex is to me--a favor I give my husband to tide him over until the next time. I find much more pleasure in providing him with tasty meals, a clean home, and a sympathetic ear when he needs it.

My avoidance of sex seems to be a combination of issues: lack of sexual desire, problems with trust and touch (I hate being tickled but am so sensitive even the slightest touch tickles me, and I can't sleep if hubby is touching me in any way), and poor body image/self-esteem. After a few traumatic experiences in my teenage years involving my parents "catching" me on the phone with my husband (then boyfriend), I also feel ashamed of my sexuality, like it's dirty r bad, something I have to hide and can only express silently, on my own, in private. I think I could only really let loose and enjoy myself if we lived in the middle of nowhere, when no one could hear or suspect that anything "untoward" was going on--and even then, I doubt I'd feel up to it. I realise that if I want to get over this stuff, I need to deal with all my issues. It's quite a daunting prospect, but I know I need to work at changing myself and my life in ways that will make me (and my husband) happy and fulfilled in every way. I am actively seeking a counsellor who has experience with adoptees, and I do indeed need to get more exercise to improve my overall health and self-esteem.

To respond to sal, amy, and Maryanne, I have considered that it may be an attempt to avoid my birthmother's mistakes. She had two sons before me, both removed from her care after she had been deemed an unfit mother (she was/is mildly retarded, but I don't know if that's what made her "unfit" or if it was something else). She was told before conceiving me that if she had any more children, they would immediately be removed from her by the state and put up for adoption. Obviously, she didn't heed their warnings for whatever reason, and here I am. In a primitive way, sex equals babies equals my biggest phobia; maybe my mind has convinced my body that it's not interested in anything to do with procreation.

My life has certainly been easier than many, but after being born more than two months' premature, being a very sick baby, and going through three foster families before being adopted at nearly 3 years old--plus all the issues growing up in a non-biological family brings up--I've found my life so far to be undeservingly difficult, lonely, and painful. Perhaps for that reason, I have always been adamant about not wanting kids, to the point of being obsessive. I would love to be pregnant and experience the first few hours with my newborn, but beyond that I'm not interested; I guess my only interest in child-rearing is a selfish need for the experience I feel I missed out on with my birthmother. Maybe a reunion would help with that, but with her mild retardation and my oldest biological brother having cerebral palsy, there are a lot of things they may need from me that I'm not sure I have in me to give.

Thank you for letting me rant. Boy, do I need some professional help...

[MaryannsMiracle]

You know what? I thought about this long and hard last night after posting. Now after reading about akcsyke's post about "trust no one but yourself" I can see somewhat of a correlation. I was left as a newborn with nuns for the first 3 months of my life. All that was provided were minimal basic need, nothing more. No one to cuddle, bond or attatch with. All my life I was somewhat of a loner and then into adulthood I considered myself "A strong independant woman" needing no one but myself. I think that stems from my early beginings of having no choice but to be left to my own ways of getting by , sort of a survival skill.

That said, these "skills" have followed through my entire life and infltrated every aspect of any and all my relationships. Understandably, it would definately affect trust and intimacy.

I am in the exact same boat as Fauxgina. I ony had sex when I felt it was my "duty" and NEVER ever found anything remotely enjoyable about it. the sad thing is that even if I could go forever without sex, it did have an affect on my partner. How could he not take it personal despite my every attempt to explain that it wasn't him.

It got to apoint where I felt like I was being held hostage and I had to get out of the relationship. That is just another remnant of how adoption has affected my life. One day I can be madly in love and the next day I can walk away like the person never existed.

Believe me, none of this had to do with my aparents as they are the best people ever and were fantastic parents. I do think though any and all of these issues are a direct result of the first 3 months of my life and the coldbloodedness of my nmom. Lets not forget that I grew up knowing her as she was my a mom's sister.(I just didn't know she was my nmom for 48 years)



Maryann

[thediva320]

This topic I find to be quite interesting. In thinking about my life and my choices in my life and how that has correlated with my adoption and my feelings of being adopted, I guess I never really thought that adoption would or could be a trigger. I had a rough early start and was a RAD child. I wouldn't hug or show affection to my aparents for a very long time. I imagine it had to do with the neglect I suffered at the hands of my birthmother. (I was 2.5 when removed from her custody and 5 when I was finally adopted........3 foster homes later as well.) But I became sexually active at an early age. I believe this was due to the fact that I was searching for some sort of affection, whatever I could get. And that was a good way to get it. (Does that even make sense?) But I always felt that sex was a chore. Something I had to do in order for someone to "like" me. My bmom was sexually active at a very early age also. Although I knew that and vowed my whole life that I would be NOTHING like her at all costs, around age 14 I started being JUST like her, all that would seal the deal would to have a baby at 19. (I successfully avoided that, although I'm not sure how.) I believe that sex is an emotional connection. And women are more prone to making it emotional then men are. That's why a lot of men can have multiple partners and not think twice about it. And a lot of women end up heart broken when it doesn't work out. I believe that in order to have a healthy sexual experience, there has to be an emotional connection. Now, with that said, I believe that it is common for adoptees to feel rejected in different aspects of their lives. Sex makes us vulnerable (not just adoptees, but everyone.) If you enter into a sexual relationship, you open yourself up for rejection, much like any other relationship. However after having sex the fears of not being good enough, or not pleasuring your partner enough becomes an issue and possibly a fear. You may want to consider if you are avoiding sex to avoid rejection? Something to think about. I know you said you and your husband have a great relationship, but it could be a subconscious fear that you don't even realize. Like I said, just a thought. At any rate, I think counceling is a great idea in order to get to the core of this issue. It sounds like you are really concerned about it. And I must commend your husband for being so understanding!!! You have a great guy!!!

[Karen in MT]

I would first of all have a serious visit with a good doctor. You very well could have hormone levels that need adjustment, which is very common. Also, there has been very good success with antidepressant use in this area. At least give this a chance before you spend a ton on therapy for an issue that could be solved much easier. There are lots and lots of people who have trouble with this and it has nothing to do with adoption. I can understand that this could be part of it, but so can a lot of other issues.
-Good luck to you. -Karen

[fauxgina]

diva, you said something that really struck me: sex makes people vulnerable and opens us up to rejection. Rejection is a hot-button issue for adoptees, and I know that we can reject others to save ourselves from being rejected. Perhaps another factor in avoiding sex is rejecting the other because of feelings of having been rejected (by bmom), and as a pre-emptive strike against being rejected. Thanks for providing another lens through which to interpret the issue.

Karen, I am already on antidepressants. I was diagnosed about five or six years ago with chemical depression due to naturally low serotonin levels. I found that the medicine had sexual side-effects, but it helped me feel better and deal with life (by effectively dulling my emotions, I must admit), so I sacrificed my libido for my emotional well-being. I am hesitant to attribute my continued lack of sexual desire to the medication, however. I think if I had wanted to, I could have jumped that hurdle by now, especially since I was declared "robustly healthy" by my psychiatrist a year ago. I'm still on the medication for many reasons, including a lot of major life changes over the past year, and fear of experiencing my emotions at their natural levels. Still, after finding a therapist, I plan on gradually coming off the medication and seeing where I am. I definitely need professional guidance to help me deal with my emotions, and I feel it would be helpful to address my many other concerns with a professional, as well. I'm tired of popping pills! Thanks, though, for your input.

You also mentioned that my issues don't necessarily have to stem from being adopted; of course I realize that people from all backgrounds suffer from many of the same issues that people address on these forums. I would argue that these types of issues stem from some sort of trauma, and that adoptees' being relinquished from their mothers tends to be the trauma that precipitates the issues in them. I find it helps me to feel comfortable with myself to explain it in this way; I used to think I was just a bad, crazy person. I like having a context in which to place my experiences and interpret them from there. I certainly understand your point of view, I just wanted to offer you mine, as well.

[jdbennar]

I can relate, I'm new and I've gone thru the statements given by everyone to hopefully give me a better understanding of some of the struggles that I go thru. I'm just the opposite of you however, the not wanting sex isn't my issue, my issue is the not wanting anyone truly close to me. I'm on my 3rd marriage now, when I married each woman, at that time I thought that I loved them, but I was unfaithful. I felt like I couldn't get enough attention, in many different aspsects, and I chose sex and the cure all. Like I said, I'm on my 3rd marriage now and I struggle every day with these issues. I originally found out when I was a freshman in highschool that i was adopted, it came about when we had an assignment in school to provide a family tree. When I was told, it literally rocked my world. I grew up in small town Iowa, counseling was not an option, my parents were good people, but came from the old school of that we push our emotions inside and when we're bothered by something, to go work hard and work it off. Another issue I have "workaholic". My point is, you and I are quite similair, just 2 different extremes, I think that our ultimate goal is to work our way thru and communicate more with our spouses, ask for patience and possibly seek help or atleast search for a friend that won't judge.

[fauxgina]

Thanks for your input, jd. You sound sort of like my dad, who is also adopted. My mom is his 4th wife. I think he's settled down now (no one else would have him, anyway! lol), but it took him a long time to find the woman who understood him and, more importantly, the woman he could trust. He threatened divorce several times, but I see that now as his way of saying "I'll be ****ed if you're going to walk out on me first!"

I hope you find your own way to deal with the issues you talked about, especially since you "act out" in a way that must have really hurt your ex-wives. I can certainly understand your having those issues, though, what with not being told something you had every right to know (and probably already knew deep down, right?). It must have thrown you into an absolutel tail-spin.

I've got to cut this short as I'm posting at work and my day is over, but welcome to the forum. I think you'll find a great deal of support here so you can realize just how normal you and your reactions are.

Gina

[pinkpixie]

Hmmmm well I was quite frankly a nympho b4 having my 2 children and then it went KAPUT
I say I was a nympho because I just know that most of the time I had sex was for trying to get love - sex = love..and of course I got used a LOT because I would believe idiots ..I have major trust issues but yet I trust too easily !!! I know that sounds impossible but its True ! not so much now but certainly before I started researching affects of adoption - definitely

I think now its more to do with Children and being worn out and who knows maybe a control thing too ?? for me

[uTonyNashm]

I can't belive I am gonna post this but maybe it can help someone...

I have def. had some sexual hang ups in my life...

I was sexually abused at around 7 or 8 years old by a much older guy. And had 2 more incidents happen after that.

Because being adopted, I already felt like a black sheep and so ALONE and ASHAMED. Then that crap happened...it did NOT help matters at all. It affected my whole life. I always would wait to be te last one to change for gym class, and I would never take showers after gym, I would never walk aorund with even a shirt off. That is the main reason I don't swim too. I was afraid of ANYONE seeing me under my cloths and etc...

My entire life I never dated, never asked any girls out, never had sex, or sexual things...always felt so wrong and dirty and I felt so useless. No one likes me or wants me--I am fat and ugly. I was NEVER touchy feely and still am not pretty much.

That was me for my ENTIRE life. Now I found an absolute angel and I am gonna marry her on May 25th. So I waited 22 years. And it was a struggle and still is sometimes. I love her and WANT to have sex...I sometimes have terrible feelings afterwards and it hurts bad and I feel like crap--but she is right there to take care of me.

Boy do I feel exposed now...