[mymotherssacrifice]

Tony,

I am so glad that you were able to find your angel and congratulations on the engagement!!!

I cannot even imagine how difficult your childhood most have been dealing with being adopted and sexual abuse.

I only recently found out I was adopted so this whole process of healing is new to me, I had always suspected but in a way I guess I was very lucky that my life was already established when I found out.

I work in juvenile corrections with sex offenders, the majority of them were offended themselves. So I see them struggling with their own abuse in a system that wants to focus on their crimes. Your story may have been long overdue but it is encouraging to hear from someone that has overcome being abused. Good luck to you and take care.

Amanda

[BAnn08]

Glad to hear you found your love Tony, and congrats on the marriage! What a struggle you went through, but you must have come out stronger.

Faux - I am not responding with any advice particularly on this topic. But I noticed you said you had a LDR with your now husband and moved to England to be with him a year ago. Sorry if this is inappropriate for the response in your post - I too am in a LDR with a guy from England. I would be interested to hear more about your experience of the move, and how you guys finally got together. I just signed up to this site tonite - seems like a great place with good people to talk to.

[fauxgina]

Pixie, I completely understand the "not trusting, but trust way too easily" mentality. It sounds like an oxymoron, but I do the same thing. In general, I am very pessimistic and not trusting and a real cynic... but when I face one person, I just desperately want their love and approval and those defenses go right out the window; I start falling all over myself to please that person. I suppose it's fortunate that I never felt very attractive or desireable and therefore didn't fall back on sex as a way to get approval and love. (I know that people who feel the need to have lots of sex have equally as many issues with self-esteem--if not more--as people who avoid sex.) There's no winning, is there?

Tony, I've PMed you with my thoughts and support. Hope you find it helpful.

BAnn, I've PMed you (quite lengthily, actually) about my long-distance relationship story.

[MrsHoot]

WOW! So many things said here ring true for me, too!
Sexually abused for years as a child, not trusting anyone, body/self esteem issues, in my 3rd marriage, cheated on #1 & #2! I was a nympho before marriage but no interest after, but all with crappy guys...throw in date rape as my first sexual experience and some real "daddy issues" and you got...ME

I too have avoided sex with hubby, he wants it everyday...once every couple of weeks would be okay with me right now...I try to explain to him the “pressure” he puts on me to perform but he doesn’t see it as pressure, just good natured kidding around...but it’s not....I keep telling him, give me a chance to want it...you know, absence make the heart grow fonder rationale but I rarely get the chance to “miss it”.

I believe that a healthy sex life is important to us as individuals and have only recently been enlightened to line of thinking that many of my “life issues” can be directly linked to adoption...but it’s threads like this that open my wider each day to exactly how many!

Faux: I hope you were able to find the right counselor for you...after reading the thread and posting this, it’s now quite apparent that I too “need some help”....thanks for the wake-up call!

[Rubbler]

Well, the need is "built in," but it's not always that easy. So far as I know we all have it to a greater or lesser degree.

It is in me.

What happens to me - in relationships - is this..... I fall in love, and my partner does too... We then have GREAT sex - I mean beautiful - spiritual. For a while. 3-4 months later, something happens. In my last relationship she didn't want sex one afternoon because she was tired. And then --- sex is dead. After that point it is easier for me to relate pornographic images than risk "myself" in a real relationship.

Good god...

I am so pissed off with this. I just want to be who I actually am with the person I adore and yet I find myself sabotaging it all.

WTH!

[uTonyNashm]

God do I know the "self sabotage" thing...I hate it and I hate myself for it!

We just gotta hang in there and try to get rid of it...

[shel04ly]

"Now I found an absolute angel and I am gonna marry her on May 25th. So I waited 22 years. And it was a struggle and still is sometimes. I love her and WANT to have sex...I sometimes have terrible feelings afterwards and it hurts bad and I feel like crap--but she is right there to take care of me."

Thank you sweetie....I love you more than anything. I want you to always know that you are strong, amazing, wanted and accepted for WHO YOU ARE NOW - NOT WHERE YOU CAME FROM. You are what you make of yourself. Origins do not define a person - actions do. Your actions exhibit love, commitment, caring, loyalty, honor, integrity....I could go on forever. You should be proud of who you are. There's room in everyone's heart for all of the people that shape our journey - you can carve out special places for those who gave you life and for those who taught you to live it. You are in control of what you give and what you get back. I will always be here to take care of you - promise.

5/25/08.....my destiny

[dazed]

Thanks for this post.I can relate to much of it.I'm tired so may say a bit too much, but hey others have been honest and I hope I don't offend.
I do have a poor body image- my birthmom scarred me at birth and I am also afraid of turning out like her/not being able to cope with a baby (thus some fear of sex even with contraception).
I am afraid of rejection and like many adoptees have poor self confidence- my BF has previously almost scored my performance in bed before and compared me to his ex.But I keep hoping things will get better in and out of bed as I can't cope with the pain of breaking up.I also feel my life is not great in many ways (I feel quite useless tho' have and will have counselling), I don't have goals and have depression and this can carry over to the bedroom.

[uTonyNashm]

I really wish you the best! I know how hard it is when everything and every area just feels...useless and depressed...I am with you on that...be strong! I bet your an amazing girl!

That sorta got me mad to read what your BF is doing--that is flat out WRONG and will only hurt you...