[winter444]

I am an adoptee and every relationship I had before I got married was awful and I have to say mostly because of me. I would push them away, don't know why. One boyfriend would ask me "Why are you doing this?" I didn't know
Sometimes I even push my husband away, I really wish I didn't do it. He will sit for hours and we'll talk, now with all the emotions I'm going through with my bmom, he's so trying to understand.

I was afraid to get married, thinking okay it's not going to work!!! (positive aren't I!!) well, we've been married 17 years.

[birmingham78]

i searched all over the web to find a site that would help me! i think i have finally found "the one".

i've been dating my boyfriend (who was adopted) for the last 3 years. his parents are WONDERFUL people and he has never looked for his birth parents. he feels that it would be disrespectful. anyway....every time i bring up the subject of marriage. he freaks, closes up, becomes silent, dances around the subject and then we move on to another subject. the end. we get NO where. i asked him recently if he thought that i was "the one" ....does he "want to marry me". he said "i'm working on it" and explained that what he meant by that response was, that he is "working on answering that question". prior to us dating... he was engaged to another girl (who also happened to be adopted). they dated for 5 years. she decided that she couldn't wait any longer and moved away to another state. he then bought a ring and proposed to her. she said yes...they planned their wedding and then after 5 months, she gave back the ring and called off the wedding. he was devasted. he went to therapy and was very depressed for quite some time. he got thru it and is better for it now.

however.........it seems that he is now doing the same thing to me. i have been wondering what it is that is holding him back from "taking the plunge" and it occurred to me that it might be stemming from the fact that he was adopted. fear of abandonment. abandoned at birth! abandoned by his ex-fiancee! i've just now realized that it isn't ME. it wasn't the EX. it's the real fears of being abandoned. will someone please tell me if i'm wrong. can anyone offer some advice on how to talk to him about this subject? do i even talk to him about it? do i walk away now? help!
thanks,
BHAM78

[D28Bob]

The fear of rejection which dominated my life meant I was so afraid of rejection that I could hardly start a relationship. I had some girl friends, but never serious. When I finally met Cindy and we dated for several years, it came to Christmas and I still couldn't get up the nerve to ask a question even though I felt I knew what her answer would be. So scared. So I borrowed my sister's engagement ring and wrapped it and gave it to her. So she never really had to answer that question.
We've been married for 34 years. Adoption and its effects meant that I could never really open up to her. I went years this way. After our two wonderful children were born, I felt especially unloved. So I had an affair. ANYTHING to find someone who had time for me and cared. When that ended, I made my first search for my birthparents - I was 36. It led to the court's contacting my birthmother, who refused contact.
20 years later, when my adoptive parents had died, and my children had moved away, I again felt unloved. We had moved to a new city, new job - but had no time for each other. It happened again - an affair, and I renewed the search. Cindy and I are finally dealing with the issues of trust and love in our marriage, in counselling, and I am more diligently pursuing my birth origins again. I now know that the way I suppressed emotions all my life is what harmed our marriage, and I hope and pray that I will finally get to the source of my problems with relationships.
Finding fellow adoptees has helped, knowing that the feelings I had which always made me feel like an outcast are common to us adoptees. My wife still doesn't quite understand it, but she's being supportive of my effort finally. Our counsellor told her that it takes a saint to be married to an adoptee - I think she's right!

[Stardust7331]

As with many of you, I have failed at attempts to form meaningful and intimate relationships. Every time I got close to someone my fears and anxieties of abandonment came out and managed to drive the other away. In retrospect, my marriage was kind of a fluke in that I really had no prior romantic interest in this other person, so my anxieties never had a chance to get between us. Plus at the time we became engaged we had actually seen each other for maybe seven days in the previous three years. And we went directly from being friends to being engaged, never went on a date, never made love, no real personal background with this person I was intending to marry. It took me years to realize I really was unhappy in the marriage, and in some ways had only used it for the safety and security I wanted and needed. It was a comfortable place to be where I did not have to worry about driving someone else away with my anxieties and fears. When I finally divorced it was because I realized I never really loved this person. And only recently realized I never fully engaged emotionally or intimately in the marriage. So though I was married I was still a single person in thought and action so my anxieties about truly opening up to someone else and worrying about them leaving me never came out.

[BAnn08]

Ripples ~ you have made a good point - and your feelings are more than valid of why you have been afraid to get into a commitment with someone. For me, I have been in two serious relationships in the past - one of those I was actually engaged. I never had 'commitment' issues persay, but I think with both guys, I still never actually thought I was worthy enough of any man's love - so I would push them both away. On top of that, they and I were both immature and only kids - so more or less, I was settling for less than the best. I didn't feel a connection with either guy - and I was really the complete opposite of my exfiance. He ended up cheating on me during most of our relationship - and also had the guts to ask for my parents' blessing while doing his business on the side. I will admit, I wasn't the best girlfriend, or had the best state of mind. I did constantly treat him like a jerk, and was pretty careless in some of the things I would say to him. But he happened to be some guy that came along in my life at the time, and I simply settled. Now I am currently in a LDR with man from England, and definitely in love. Relationships are definitely not easy - especially if there are inner struggles/issues one needs to understand about themselves and work through. Don't blame yourself of course - a lot of it's about the right time, place and fate coming into play which will lead you meet the person that was meant for you and truly knows who you are.