[everempty]

I am a 38 year old 'adoptee' (God, I even hate using that term!).

I was adopted as an infant, and was told of my adoption when I was about 3 years old. My aparents already had one biological daughter when they adopted me, and soon had a biological son following my adoption.

I recall the day I was told I was adopted so clearly - it is the day my world fell apart.
I was told i was 'special', 'chosen' - all the old cliche's - so why did I feel so utterly sad and confused?

I don't think it helped that my 'brother;' & 'sister' were both my aparents' biological children. Not only was I stuck in the middle, so dealing with good old 'middle-child-syndrome', but children can be very cruel, and many a time I stood with defiance in my eyes as they repeatedly told me how they wished mum & dad had never got me & wished I would go back to the orphanage - nice! As I grew up,I was told that my agrandmother (a staunch Irish Roman Catholic) had resisted my aparent's adoption plans, and it was made very clear that in her eyes, I was not part of the family.

Anyway, at the risk of falling into a pit of self-pity, the story at the moment is that, I met my birth mother when I was 18.

It was an emotional meeting and one which I had longed for for as long as I could remember. She had given birth to me at the age of 15 after being sent away to an unmarried mothers home, as was the practise in those days. To her family, of course, the story was that she had been taken poorly and was going to stay with some distant cousin in the country to recover! She had not married my bfather, but had continued to see him for a further 4 years after my birth. She was married with three small boys, who have grown up knowing that I am their 'Big Sis', and things for the last 20 years have been relatively pleasant between us all. Of course there is the odd family occaission that I am not invited to, and yes, it hurts, but I try not to let it eat me up. I have wasted enough tears and anger over the years.

My aparents have been supportive, but I am always very cautious not to hurt their feelings, and feel guilty whenever my bmother comes to visit. I almost feel like I should hide the visits from them, but have not done so. In fact my bmother is very good, and always makes a point of popping in to see my aparents while she is here. It must be very strange for both of them, and yet it is something that none of us talk about.

My 'brother' & 'sister' & I, are not too close, however we do see each other & I do think of them as family to a degree. The problems are on my part, I know, and I do distance myself from them. I don't know why I do, but there you go! They both have children, but neither of them has ever explained to their children that I am adopted, and have certainly never told them about my 'other mum'. When my niece stayed with me recently, she seemed quite perplexed when going through my photo albums, that I had this whole seperate family to the one she assumed I was in. I guess that is the crux of the problem - I don't quite fit into either, and I have no real sense of 'belonging'.
This is no reflection on my aparents - although they did say things that cut me to the core sometimes. An argument would occur in my teens, and they would respond 'Although you're not our real daughter............', too late - it had been said. The rest didn't matter. I'm sure they said really positive things too, but somehow it is always the hurful things that I recall.

Anyway, I am rambling! I was hoping to go and stay with my birthmother this Christmas - the first Christmas I would have spent with her, and my new step-father. Last night, my (lovely) new step-father rang to speak to my husband, and we are NOT going for the holidays.

Why? Not because we are not wanted by my bmother, but because my bgrandmother will be there, with her new boyfriend, and she hasn't told him about me!! He is a 'man of the church' and she doesn't want to tell him - obviously because despite being welcomed by my bmother & her boys, my b-uncles etc - I am still a sordid, dirty little secret that she wishes she could just brush under the carpet! I am So incredibly upset, and dissappointed.

My husband asked if I was angry - & although perhaps I should feel an element of anger (perhaps towards my bmother - why didn't she stand up to her mother & say tough!), or perhaps towards my bgrandmother (for her short-sighted & bigotted views), I'm afraid that all I feel is alone. Alone, small and so not special.

I do feel some anger - anger at the word 'adopted'. I hate it HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!!! I wish I had never heard of it. I feel re-rejected all over again.

So many feelings I had supressed & learnt to live with for so long, have all re-surfaced & I feel totally torn apart.

I keep trying to be logical and am trying to tell myself, this is not my problem, it is my bgrandmother's problem, but it is affecting ME and hurting ME. Just like it always has.

I will have to explain to my kids why their mom isn't quite good enough for them to be able to spend the holidays with their Nana.

So, you are not alone, but lonely - I know I am.

[dmca]

Oh honey, I"m so sorry you are going through this. Try to hang in there. I had an idea. A "man of the church" would surely have enough christian? mercy , generosity and love to celebrate your life. Perhaps if you drop your mother a note about that, she can bring it up to him vaguely ( feel him out) and then explain what happened? Well, it's only an idea. Not a demand. lol. I don't blame you for being upset and angry. You have the right, and I probably would in the same circumstances.
How are you going to tell the kids?
dmca

[elusivefugue]

Oh how closely I feel to you! I know what it is like to feel like you don't really belong anywhere either. My amom had three biological children many years before her and my adad (my amom's second husband) adopted me. My childhood was an abusive one and I never wanted to be a part of my afamily. I always wished and wondered why I had ever been adopted in the first place. When times were tough I would always tell myself "at least I'm not related to these people".

When I reunited with my b-family recently, I never felt so happy in my life. I finally felt like I was part of something real, but it can be so painful to have to get to know your family for the first time. I had to ask my b-grandma what her name was during our first meeting! There are so many traditions and facts that I never learned, and meshing into my b-family has been painful because it is hard for me to let go of the idea that I lost so many years without them in my life.

I remind myself that even though I don't feel close to my a-family or my b-family in an innate way, with time perhaps I will grow closer to my b-family. Maybe it will be the same for you too. With time, your b-family might grow to accept you in every way you want to be accepted and you can help by letting them know what you need from them. I know it is a careful dancing around eggshells at times, but it is best to be honest with them and yourself.

[dmca]

Wanted to add something quickly, ever. the problem, and NEVER forget this, is not YOU, it is THEIR problem, that THEY have to deal with.
Frankly I feel sorry for them, that they can't confront their own demons. don't you? Must be terrrible for you.
You are just fine, not a thing wrong with you. the "rejection" ( usually) at birth is NOT THE CHILD, but, the circumstances. There never was anything wrong with you. It's a pity your parents didn't see to the attitude of your siblings, however. Perhaps as they grow older, they will realize what they did and regret it. If not, hey, they have to live with it.
When the pain of it all hits, just look your children and see how they love you. Look at your husband and see how he loves you. would they if there were anything terrible about you? Cuddle your children , when the pain starts, sing with them, read them a story or play with them. They are living proof that the problem is not yours. Be well
dmca

[longingtomeetyou]

im so sry how your feeling in all this.....
adoption can be so difficult ....

i agree with you in the terms of adoption....
it hurts alot ....... hope it works out for you and your birthmom....

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by everempty

I am a 38 year old 'adoptee' (God, I even hate using that term!).

I will have to explain to my kids why their mom isn't quite good enough for them to be able to spend the holidays with their Nana.

So, you are not alone, but lonely - I know I am.

It is truly possible to feel lonely, even though you're not alone. My mother was very supportive of me and my decision to place my son for adoption, even though she was hurt that I got pregnant and upset that I didn't keep him. And yet - when my sister got married (almost 15 years later) and wore mother's wedding dress, Mom commented that she hadn't wanted me to wear it. (I hadn't.)

I agree with other posters...you're "uninvited" for Christmas not because you're "not good enough" but because your grandmother can't face the thought that SHE doesn't have a perfect family (in her own eyes) (like anyone does!) and possibly because your mom is still trying to please her mother (or at least to keep the peace).

One of the things that D's bdad taught me is that there's no point in dealing in "What ifs." I had asked him one time what he would have said if I had told him I was pregnant. He refused to go there, pointing out that it was very unproductive because there are no "do overs." None of us can change our past, we can only live from this day forward. The events of our lives have helped make us who we are, but we can chose our paths for this day.

I am really struggling in my life and ministry to both look for the positive myself and help the congregations I serve do the same. We truly can choose to see the glass half empty or half full. (It's the same amount of water either way!)

Why not start a new tradition with your family this year? Invite a friend or neighbor who will be alone to join you. Go serve a meal at a soup kitchen... there are all kinds of possibilities.

All that said, I do experience that loneliness that you talk about. It's not unique to "adoptees" and reunion has not taken the feeling away.

[hello&goodbye]

sorry to say this, but, if she really wanted you and your family there, she would have dealt with this before and had you go there for Christmas. You deserve better treatment then this.