[Kansas_Unknown]

Question: If you are dating someone, and being adopted is part of "who you are" when do you tell them?

[sal]

I'm a reunited adoptee... that pretty much told the guys I dated that I was adopted... when I felt that it was something that I wanted them to know. No right or wrong time.....sal

[misjenlyn]

I knew my husband was adopted even before our first date. He didn't know that I knew. It didn't take long for me to realize that our relationship was very serious. I was worried though because he hadn't told me that he wasn't adopted. In my mind I thought if he was really serious about me that that would be something about himself that he would want to share with me. We worked it out just fine of course. From my perspective, if you are in a serious relationship this would be an intimate detail to share.

[RiverGal]

I'm wondering why disclosing that one was adopted is really a priority in a budding relationship. For some adoptees, it is simply a non-issue.

[Sarah1974]

I agree with RiverGal... I mean why is it a "priority"?
I'm an adoptee, and I pretty much had to tell them before they met my parents. I'm a black female that was raised by white parents. So I pretty much explained it to them for that reason so I didn't get questions.... where's your father at? LOL... which was the most common question.
I think it's when you are comfortable with sharing that. My thought.

[jenn_e_ritter]

When I told my dates that I was adopted you might as well thought that I was an alien from outer space. After they knew about my adoption, they became more distant. It can be very hurtful because they don't know what it is like.

[alphagal]

I think it's just something that comes up in conversation. Not that your date will say, "Adoption: what do you think of it?", but if you dating someone and it is serious, however your coversations may flow; it will eventually come up when you talk about your families.

I never dated while searching or in reunion, so it was just something interesting to talk about. Not something that was overwhelming my thoughts (like it has since being in reunion!) My sister, also adopted, has a very fascinating story which I like to share. So that is usually how it came up.

[RiverGal]

Posted by alphagal: but if you dating someone and it is serious, however your coversations may flow; it will eventually come up when you talk about your families.

I bolded what I feel the keyword is here...serious. It makes sense to disclose if the relationship is serious, but in a casual or new relationship, I just don't see the point. Some adoptees view the adoption as a one time thing...something that happened to add them to their family...not what defines their life.

I'm an adoptee-lite (step-parent adoption) and a birth mother. Neither are secrets, but neither are they normal topics of conversation. I've disclosed this to people, and the most I have ever experienced as a reaction is a few questions...which I have no problem answering. I look at it as a good opportunity to educate...maybe dispell some of the myths surrounding adoption.

The way I see it, if I speak with confidence about my situation, it helps set the tone...as with most conversations.

~Deb

[plants]

i think you should tell people your adopted because if you dont they might find it out from sombody else thats what i think

[m-mom]

I have had two different guys that I was getting to know tell me that they were adopted. I was fasinated, but also quite anxious when they reveled this. Because see, I am a birthmom and did not tell either of these guys my envolvment in adoption. I wanted to know from their point of view what it was like and how they felt about their birth family. If anything i became overly envolved in that part of thier life.