[hud18son]

Hello,
I'm the wife of an adoptee. Having not been adopted myself I was pretty clueless about what adoptees go through. I would very much like to hear from you all about your marriage.

We are going through a hard time right now and I feel alot of the issues are due to my husband's adoption.

Right now I'm reading Nancy Verrier's book "Coming Home to Self" and it's really good.

Thank you!

[hello&goodbye]

You need to be more specific. Not all adoptees ahve issues with their adoption, please do not buy into that. AS a n adoptee I find it insulting when people assume I may have "problems" becase I am adopted. Many of us all well-adjusted individuals, who are only thankful for thier adoption. So please be more specific on the issues you have, and don't assume because you read a book that that is the answer. I don;t mean to be harsh, but it really ticks me off when we are painted with the same brush.

[WLD]

hello&goodbye - just wanted you to know that i look forward to all of your posts. It gives me such encouragement and hope to read how close you feel toward your parents and how happy you are. I find hope that my son will grow up to feel just the way you do So keep posting!

[hud18son]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to insult anyone I'm just at a total loss and I'm trying to understand why my husband changed overnight.

So to start we have been married for two years, been together for four. We just got back from my sister in law's wedding and he just snapped and said he was leaving me and needed to be near his family. I asked what is wrong with our marriage and I'm told we fight all the time about the dog and what color to paint the walls. I was shocked! These seem like little things to me not divorce. Later on I'm told we don't have chemistry. After I started learning about adoption that comment stopped. I'm now told that he can't be the person I want. He said, "if I don't want to talk to you I'm going to ignore you, that is just how I am." All I asked for was some feedback, even "I don't want to talk right now" would be fine. He told me he doesn't want to go to my soccer games and if he wants to work late he shouldn't have to call. He said he doesn't need to compromise and I should be able to give him what he wants without him asking.

It seems to me that he is trying everything to get me to reject him. I did tell him if he wasn't going to work on the marriage he needed to move out - his choice!! He then told the counselor I wanted him to move out. I said no I gave him a choice.

The books I did read do discribe my husband's behavior. I'm not saying everyone is like that.

Wanted to know if anyone else had these issues!

[reunionspouse]

So sorry for your pain. You may want to look in the adoptee support area they have threads about many of the things you are talking about. Sorry I do not have the link.

No, I will not lump everyone together but I see a pattern with some men who have trouble expressing what is really on their minds.

It appears to me that you want to try and save your marriage and help your husband. Keep going to the couselor.....try picking just one topic with your husband to discuss.... leave out all of the you, me, I and try the "we" as much as you can.

Keep writing.

Karen

[hello&goodbye]

Just remember it could be one thousand and one other reasons for his distance. Using his adoption because it fits a profile in a book is not being fair. And know therer are some people who paint all adoptees as being in some sort of pain, so they can justify their anti- adoption views. There, I have said it. If he is open to therapy, then I suggest you both go, as you seem sincere on saving your marriage. Perhaps his adoption may be an issue, perhaps it may NOT, I just believe making a diagnosis from a book is getting into dangerous waters. Majority of adoptees I know and I was born in the 60'd where adoption was more common, are normal well- adjusted individuals. We are NOT damaged goods!!!


I wish you luck

[marimari]

hud18son...I admire your compassion towards your husband. many adoptees who have undergone therapy never mention their adoptions, as they believe, too, that it is a non-issue. When it comes up, sometimes after years, in the hands of a well-trained therapist, it is often found to be a big reason for some of the behaviors you are describing.
I would not say that all adoptees are damaged goods...that wouldn't be fair at all, for sure, but in the same breath I'd have to state that some have been in far less than perfectly matched homes and have felt out of place for most of their lives. Not all agencies did a great job of placement, and that does have to be recognized as real.
You seem to see that he is pushing you away before you have a chance to tell him to leave...The family that you mentioned, which family is that? has he met his birth family recently or something?

I applaud your efforts to learn more about "possible" issues he may have. You sound sensitive and intelligent..Lord knows, if you are smart enough to do some research, i am sure that you are smart enough to not label him with everything you read in the book. However, that book was written based on much research..the author is not just pulling stuff out of thin air. It is possible that many things fit him.

Again, helloandgoodbye...not all placements were perfect as yours may have been. In the sixties while there were many babies, the demand wasn't quite as consistent throughout that time period..late 60's saw more babies and 1970 had the most demand and the most babies were available. In the case of the son I had in 1970, it took only a couple of months from start to finish, less time than my pregnancy actually and far less time than it takes today. I won't lump all adoptees and I hope that you won't do the same. We are all unique and all had unique experiences both in and out of the womb.

[Mandy's Mom]

Originally Posted by hud18son

I'm sorry, I don't mean to insult anyone I'm just at a total loss and I'm trying to understand why my husband changed overnight.

So to start we have been married for two years, been together for four. We just got back from my sister in law's wedding and he just snapped and said he was leaving me and needed to be near his family. I asked what is wrong with our marriage and I'm told we fight all the time about the dog and what color to paint the walls. I was shocked! These seem like little things to me not divorce. Later on I'm told we don't have chemistry. After I started learning about adoption that comment stopped. I'm now told that he can't be the person I want. He said, "if I don't want to talk to you I'm going to ignore you, that is just how I am." All I asked for was some feedback, even "I don't want to talk right now" would be fine. He told me he doesn't want to go to my soccer games and if he wants to work late he shouldn't have to call. He said he doesn't need to compromise and I should be able to give him what he wants without him asking.

It seems to me that he is trying everything to get me to reject him. I did tell him if he wasn't going to work on the marriage he needed to move out - his choice!! He then told the counselor I wanted him to move out. I said no I gave him a choice.

The books I did read do discribe my husband's behavior. I'm not saying everyone is like that.

Wanted to know if anyone else had these issues!

First, I think it's awesome that you want to be able to understand your husband's feelings and emotions! Big hugs to you!!!

I too have issues with being adopted. A pp said that it is insulting to assume that all adoptees have issues, but I don't think it's insulting at all. Being adopted is an issue - not necessarily a bad one always, but it is of course and issue and has some impact on our lives. That being said, it seems that your husband has alot of unresolved issues. It's tough because I think that adoptees go through a *journey*, so to speak. You husband may still be early on in his journey and not know how to deal with and control his emotions. Encourage him to share with you how he feels and let him know that he can be totally open and honest. Let him see that you are here to stay. Good luck and again big hugs to you!!!!!

[jazzdrummer]

I am a husband. Im adopted. Im screwed up in many areas...and its IS because of adoption and then my adopted home etc..
I have many of the same issues probably as your husband.
I also think that the majority of people come here because they have problems that stem from being adopted. I dont see too many posts by people who come here because they are so happy about the perfect adopted home they are in.
So, Im willing to talk to you as a man who is struggling with work, adoption, self-esteem, marriage, etc..
It might not make you feel better, but Im sure a lot of your husbands actions are "normal".

[hud18son]

Hi Killer,
Thanks for replying. My husband didn't have a good adopted home. His adopted mother is crazy, his father had a drinking problem and his parents divorced when he was a teenager. He father has quit drinking and they have a great relationship now. He met his birth mother at age 22, he is now 33 and we actually have a pretty good relationship with her. She came to our wedding and my husband's parents (father and step mother) invite her to family vacations. She is a very private person. She told me once she wanted to build 10 foot walls around her house to keep everyone out. She doesn't call us much, we have to do the calling and that upsets my husband.

I spoke to my step mother in law the other day and she said this behavior happened once before just before he found his birth mother.

So killer I really think my husband's biggest problem right now is work. He isn't happy with work and to me it seems it's spilling over into other areas like our marriage.

We are in therapy but I just don't think this women get's what is going on.

Last night we had a really good talk and I told him I want to work on the marriage and I'm not going to reject him and it was very postive!

[jazzdrummer]

check your PM

[kelceesmom]

My husband is adopted and he has issues with it. Some goes back to what his bio's are like. He never wanted to meet them but his twin sister who was adopted with him by the same family found them. His whole bio family are either alcoholics or drug addicts. My husband is now a recovering alcoholic and was before he ever found his bio family. So, I believe some problems come genetically. He has issues with his adoptive family, even though they are wonderful. They are real in his mind but I also think they can use it as an excuse for other things. It's good you are willing to explore the avenues and find out what is real and truth and what is not. Hope this is making sense. Everyone is different and not all adoptees have issues. But, some do and some are genuine and some are not. Good luck

[susiesgirl]

i am adopted and my hubby was more then suppotive in my search for my bfamily.
not everybody is like hellogoodbye. Some adoptees do feel a loss and pain. I felt like i had a hole in my heart til i found my bmomma and she filled it.

[WLD]

not everybody is like hellogoodbye

But thank God many are like hellogoodbye and had a wonderful, happy and fulfilling life with their adoptive parents and didn't feel the void.

[marimari]

I was terminated at age 6, was in and out of foster homes before and after that..Now I would always say that I wasn't adversely affected by any of it...What the truth was/is that I fairly well insulated myself and didn't allow myself to feel any thing about this..it was my way of coping by repression..easier than actually admitting that not being wanted wasn't a great feeling. Even now, I still prefer to say that it wasn't great rather than it may have hurt..denial.
So, while I am not saying that otheres in a similar boat were at all affected by it, i am suggesting that the possibility of some stuff being nicely tucked away is there. Really, how can it not be..how can there not be something within us that says, hey, why didn't that first mother want me?? Why didn't anyone in her family or the first dad's family emerge to say something like Hey, that's my child, you can't take him or her away...