[Umbilical child]

Now this may cut to the bone for some people but I would like to discuss the behaviour/attitude of the parents of Birth mothers. I will relate my story here. My Birth Mum became pregnant with me in the late 1960's. The attitude of the time was one of little tolerence..Her mother was very upset with her and once she started to show sent her off to an unmarried mothers home. A place for bad girls is how my Bmum describes it. Her mother was adamant that I be put up for adoption and my Bmum was basically TOLD what was to happen. Social services got involved at the invite of her mother and the ball just started to roll. I was relinquished at one week old, spent a few months in foster care and was then adopted.
I found my Birth Mum 15 years ago, it has been quite a journey but we are getting there. When I found her I was introduced to her mother. Her mother was very quiet and I thought nothing of it. When her Mum had passed away she told me the whole story of how I came to be adopted. This is probably not an uncommon story and I am sure a lot of people have gone through this. It leaves me feeling a little sour, I look at old black and white photo's of my Birth family and I feel nothing for this woman who pushed her daughter into a life of heartbreak.

[krielly]

How sad for your birthmom that she was given no choice. I defintiely understand your feelings of bitterness toward your birthgrandmom.

That being said...........and acknowleged........it's probably time to let this go and forgive your grandmom. I've heard it said that forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves. We forgive for us and not for others. Only by forgiving can we truly let go of the bitterness we have over situations.

Try to understand that this "sin", although undoubtedly caused so much pain for your bmom, was committed with the best of intentions. Your bgrandma was probably doing what she felt was best at the time. In hindsight, it may not have been, but at the time, it seemed like she was doing the best she could for her daughter.

It sounds like your bgrandmom was aware and sensitive to all of this. You mentioned she was really quiet when you met. I'm sure she had regrets in her heart, but nothing she could have done now could have changed things.

Please forgive her..........for you! I hope you find some peace in your heart......

Hugs
Karen

[Montraviatommyg]

I am an original mother whose parents, mother in particular, were adament my son was adopted (born 1981) so can understand what your b/mum went through. In my situation I was 19, working and emotionally capable of raising my son so there was no reason for him to be adopted. My parents never gave me a reason why they were against me raising him and instead was just told that they would do everything in their power to make sure the adoption went through. This included threatening to kick me out of home if I kept him, making sure I lost my job, make sure I couldn't get alternative accomodation, as I would be homeless my son would be taken in to care, the list was endless. I had no support from any one else and the social worker lied to me nor did she tell me what I was entitled to so the adoption went through.

My son started searching for me in 1999 when he turned 18 and found my family quickly which hass been my worst nightmare come true. I had fallen out with my family in early 1999 due to my sister telling lies and didn't have contact with my parents again until late 2001, I still don't talk to my sister. Subsequently my family couldn't tell him where I was as I had moved. However when my parents knew where I was they still didn't tell my son where I was nor did they tell me they had contact with him.

I found my son in Aug 2004 through Genes Reunited which is a British based website. Obviously he wasn't very happy that my family had in effect lied to him for almost 3 years about not knowing where I was. My parents excuse was that they didn't know if my husband knew about him yet my sister had told my husband about my son years ago in the hope it would split us up. All I can assume that is my sister didn't tell my parents what she had done. Due to what my family had done my son thought I didn't want to know him and they were covering for me.

It's been some time since my son has had any contact with my sister, he last spoke to my mum in 2001 as he asked her if it was still okay to speak to her but she said no, he still has some contact with my dad.

Pip

[Oscar#2]

That is awful, you know, I am about to give up my unborn daughter for adoption, for all the right reasons I'd like to believe. When she's old enough I want her to know it was out of love for her and her siblings, not anything horrible like you discribed.
I feel for you and I feel your anger, its very justified I think!
Oscar

[usedtobe]

Adoption, as it was during the closed-system, was based on a Do as You're Told rule. Birthmoms of the 60's and 70's were of a breed and time of their own. Social and political activism and Rights for everything, alienated the generation of Follow Tradition from the generation of Freedom to choose -- bras, enlist, vote, life, drug of choice. To compare contemporary code of ethics, morality, and choice with that era is irresponsible and uneducated, in terms of social-progression and era-related norms.

It's not the grandparents, or the birthparents that failed. It is the system, itself, and the complete disorder of Order that needs to be held responsible for the rush to relinquish that took place during those decades leading towards Open Adoption. As a participant of the Triad, if such confusion, or question lingers in the mind that asks, "HOW... WHY...?", it would be wise to study the era itself, rather than the participants.

[Umbilical child]

Ah now Wanda...if I may call you that...I agree to some extent..yes society is to blame for the shaping of it's members morals, standards and precepts but we are all individuals. Somewhere deep down there is an intrinsic thing..didn't someone once say blood is thicker than water.... and the feuds that have been sparked because kin were threatened are testement to this, whatever the era. What I failed to mention is that my Birth mUm told me that her mother was seething after I had found the family and said nothing but bad things about me and the reunion......I know I sound bitter about this but we all carry some baggage. By the way it was 1991 when we reunited, enough time for granny to come to terms with things.....I do value your input though and welcome you to this forum...tread lightly and take care.....30...

[jvc6477]

Being the victim of obsolete and unloving attitudes is a horrid thing. There is a time and a place for every thing, however adoption seems to be used to much. It should definitely not be used to hide the fact that your daughter had sex no matter how embarrassing it may be. I believe the impact on the child is underestimated, downplayed, or just ignored far to often. I will certainly ruffle some feathers with this line but I'm here for honest open discus ion. I think that most adoptions amount to the equivalent of an abortion without being courteous enough to finish the job. If you were going to put down a dog you would at least shoot it in the head not the leg were it would suffer a slow death. We as a society should be more careful of what we pressure others to do. as I said there is a time and a place for every thing I applaud those who have the strength and ability to save a starving child or offer a home to an unwanted or abused child. but to emotionally batter a young woman into giving up her child to save face or to purge your life of a young man you deem "not good enough for your daughter" is at best a terrible thing to do. Just because the popular opinion says it is ok doesnt mean it is. It was not so long ago popular opinion condoned segregation. If more parents were able to be supportive of decisions regardless of what they want far fewer lives would be damaged by unnecessary adoptions.

[Umbilical child]

Well said jvc but I will give "usedtobe" Wanda her dues here.

It's not the grandparents, or the birthparents that failed. It is the system, itself, and the complete disorder of Order that needs to be held responsible for the rush to relinquish that took place during those decades Quote.

It is not only those decades. People still get banished for their opinions in the modern world. Relinquished or Rejected so to speak. If you choose to buck the system out the door you go........ but when it comes to a child's future... a baby.... it is a bit radical to take on board societal or peer pressure...

Thank you all for your input

[krielly]

Originally Posted by jvc6477

I will certainly ruffle some feathers with this line but I'm here for honest open discus ion. I think that most adoptions amount to the equivalent of an abortion without being courteous enough to finish the job. If you were going to put down a dog you would at least shoot it in the head not the leg were it would suffer a slow death.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yup, consider feathers ruffled here.....

Thank god my birthmother wasn't "courteous" as you describe...........

Guess I don't ever quite compare myself with a dog.......

While I appreciate and respect your opinion.......I definitely don't share it..........

Karen

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by usedtobe

It's not the grandparents, or the birthparents that failed. It is the system, itself, and the complete disorder of Order that needs to be held responsible for the rush to relinquish that took place during those decades leading towards Open Adoption. As a participant of the Triad, if such confusion, or question lingers in the mind that asks, "HOW... WHY...?", it would be wise to study the era itself, rather than the participants.

It is still the "system". In the baby scoop era of the 60's and 70's, the system was "morality". Now the system is "economy". For the most part, families who can afford to keep their children do so, those who can't are forced to consider other options. It is all about the $$ - follow the $$.

Happy G'Ma

[usedtobe]

Is it my turn to stir the pot?

For what it's worth: There are those who say "what separates man from animal (making man Superior) is his ability to Think." Man is also the only species that is able to engage & enjoy sex as a means of pleasure, as opposed to the singular purpose of procreation. Man is also the only species that is capable of emotion, and the expression thereof. Think. Sex. Emotion.

Mind. body. soul.

It is 2006. How many 12-20 year olds take the time to make the connection that the mind gives direction to the body & soul? How many are familiar with the fundamental rule of physics -- for every action, there is a reaction. A parent sitting home, waiting for 14 year old Jane to come home worries about these things. Jane is too busy feeling the bliss of finding someone who actually Understands her, to care about physics and evolution.

It is 2006. Jane comes home, and 6 weeks later starts vomiting in the mornings. What goes through her parent's minds? What options are available?

It is 1967. Jane comes home, and 6 weeks later starts vomiting in the mornings. What goes through her parent's minds? What options are available?

Same situations... what influence and factors would influence the answers to both questions?

How susceptible is a 14, 15, 16, 20 year-old's mind to accept an Answer given by an adult who is not vomiting every morning and "knew this was going to happen" in the first place? How does the fear of a parent's rejection affect a child's decision when faced with something that makes her physically sick, emotional, "disfigured" (for lack of a better word), and Front Page news in the Chronic Gossip Chronicles that hit the eyes & ears of teens in school (AND nosey neighbors, and staunch fundamentalist religious influences, and the family of the boy who told her she was beautiful)?

How many adult women, over the age of 25 in 2006 are able to endure a full-term pregnancy, undetected, unknown by anyone, and under no circumstance, allowed to confess a single thought, fear, hope, anxiety or wish felt during those 10 months of pregnancy?

How many 20 year olds think about cause and effect; actions and reactions -- and how these outcomes will affect the next 70+ years?

How many 15 year old's know what color her dress will be for the Senior Prom?


Just curious... how long should a girl have to decide AFTER she gives birth to her baby, whose arms should hold, what eyes will keep watch, and which lips deserve to kiss soft whispers onto the face of the new baby who was shamed and scorned by those who knew only that a baby was growing in the body of a girl who should have known better and might never be given the chance to find-out what her baby's face looks like?

Who should make this decision? Animals don't seem to have a problem deciding who will tend to the baby born from the female. Why is the placement of life a matter of debate for the more intellegent, superior human species?

[jvc6477]

Some good points brought up

[jvc6477]

[quote=krielly]
Thank god my birthmother wasn't "courteous" as you describe...........

I personally don't believe in abortion, nor do I think highly of adoption. Maybe I am out of line comparing the two, however isn't the outcome the same.
The disposal of a child by any name is still the disposal of a child. Some chose adoption to avoid the guilt associated with actually killing the victim. If it is parental or societal pressure that leads to the separation of mother and child then both are victims. There is a huge difference between unable to care for a child and inconvenient to care for a child.
I assume the reason we are participants on this website in the first place is because of the pain that is the result of an adoption experience. The point being that if parents, churches and others weren't so quick to pressure young ladies to conform to their ideals there would be fewer people with pain in their lives.

[merrill1277]

So many insightful points made on this thread. I'd like to touch on this one:


Just curious... how long should a girl have to decide AFTER she gives birth to her baby,

Here you ask an important question, Wanda. Vital, I believe, because entry into motherhood is an evolving process that develops not only throughout the 9 months of pregnancy, but takes on yet new dimensions at birth and over the following days and weeks after birth, if allowed unhindered and in a supportive environment. In-hospital consents are incomprehensibly cruel and force a premature abruption of the process. No wonder JVC feels as he does, and I know he's not alone in feeling as he does. How could the severing not affect the newborn child, as well as the mother who was-to-be ? Somewhat of a mirrored experience, I think.

But back to that question, here is a very brief summary of differences between customary policies in Australia where major inquiries into adoption practices have taken place and some changes have been made accordingly, versus practices the u.s.:

Adoption Policies and Practices in Australia

In South Australia, the father will be allowed time to establish paternity and if recognized by the court as the father "the fathers consent is necessary before that child can be adopted." Consent to adoption cannot be given until the child is at least fourteen days old, there is a twenty-five day revocation period, no prospective adopter is considered until after the revocation period is past, and "The mother of the child must be given information in writing regarding the consequences of the adoption, prior to any taking of consent."



(14 days before signing is quite a significant difference, when compared to the usual in-hospital signing here in the u.s. Also, this would be 39 days post-birth before any prospective adoptive parents can even enter the situation.)

Adoption Policies and Practices in United States of America

By contrast, American mothers are encouraged to select prospective [adoptive parents] prior to birth by those who know this will make it harder for her to say "no" later. A mother may be even be encouraged to surrender parental rights prior to birth in some states such as Colorado. Often there is no revocation period or the mother is not told there is a revocation period. She is told her child will be "better off" instead of being told the reality about the known consequences. Fathers are not given time to establish paternity - in fact, fathers rights are largely ignored.

From A Comparison of Adoption Practices in North America and Australia by Evelyn Robinson:



Who should make this decision?



It should be made by the mother of the baby, but not as a puppet being pulled by many strings, but by her own heart, mind and body unhindered. Untold numbers of young women and their children have had to live out the remainder of their lives with the consequences of decisions that weren’t of their own making or desire.





merrill

[krielly]

I personally don't believe in abortion, nor do I think highly of adoption. Maybe I am out of line comparing the two, however isn't the outcome the same.
The disposal of a child by any name is still the disposal of a child. Some chose adoption to avoid the guilt associated with actually killing the victim. If it is parental or societal pressure that leads to the separation of mother and child then both are victims. There is a huge difference between unable to care for a child and inconvenient to care for a child.

As an adoptee, I guess that I really don't see the comparison in the outcome. Because my bmom chose adoption, rather than abortion, I am HERE and have a "LIFE". Because she chose adoption, my son exists. Because my bmom chose adoption, and not abortion, my parents (don't care for the term "birthparents") got to have a daughter who they otherwise might not have had. Had she chosen abortion, the alternative is obvious.

Although I feel that adoption has definitely affected me and my life, and I have had to deal with feelings of "rejection and abandonment", I think I choose how to deal with those feelings, and how much I let them affect my life/or NOT. Due to recent circumstances surrounding my search, and what was found/not found, I have finally (at almost 40 years old) come to realize just how lucky I am to have the parents I have. I realize that this is not true for all adoptees, but no one could have known or predicted 40 years ago how my life would be.

I am so thankful for the choice my bmom made. EVERY DAY!! I'm sure my parents would tell you the same.

Adoption over abortion to avoid "guilt"????? I don't know about that..........possibly, I guess.......but it seems like relinquishing would be a much harder decision and I applaud those who do so. For many it seems like such a totally unselfish thing to do (in my book anyhow). I can't imagine dealing with the pain that some bmoms do after relinquishing. Seems like abortion might have been an easier alternative for some of those women.....that is........if their beliefs allowed for that option.....

JMHO!

Karen