[heartened]

There is a book I'm reading titled "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. (Her list is on my blog)

But there are other people involved in the triad (or "adoption plane", as my friend Dan has, in my opinon, more accurately described it) than just the adoptee. And certainly, no one person can speak for everyone else.

So I'm wondering -
As someone touched by adoption, whatever your role may be (adoptee, birthparent, adoptive parent, sibling, spouse, partner, child, etc.), what do you most want others to know about how adoption has impacted or touched your life? What do you need people to hear?

These are deliberately open-ended questions. Interpret and answer them in whatever way feels best for you.

[Roon63]

I am mom. I adopted four thru foster system. I did NOT adopt to save a child. Foster care is not like a pound, that you go and pick out the child for you. I wanted to be a mom, and these precious children needed a mom. We fit. We love this kids more that air, but I did not have an agenda or life goal to be an angel, just a mom. I realize now, if I had gotten pregnant, these children would never have been in my life, and I can't imagine life without them.
I hope this doesn't sound callous, because I am not a hard woman, but when people say, oh bless you for taking these children, I sometimes feel like no one else would have. I consider ourselves blessed to have been the ones the state intrusted to raise them.

[heartened]

Wow, Roon, that was beautiful!

As an adoptee, I feel the same when someone tells me "how lucky" I was to be adopted. As if no one else would have wanted me. It just further drives home the painful idea that we were somehow "bad" or "wrong" until we were adopted.

Great post - thank you for sharing!

Anyone else?

(I'm saving mine until a few more people have responded because I don't want anyone to think there is a "right" way to answer!)

[Amy2U]

That's what was told to me all my life. "If we hadn't taken you in and adopted you, you would have died in the system because of all your medical problems that noone wanted to deal with. You almost died in one foster home, if they hadn't rushed you to the hospital right away."

So, I have had in my mind for 31 years that children in the system, or given up, foster kids, etc. were UNWANTED children needing a home.

To me, they need more attention, more love, more show of how special they are to be CHOSEN in the family that has them.

Everything I didn't receive. I was STILL A BURDEN, and continued to be until the day I left at 18 yrs. and 1 week.

I hope I didn't hurt anyone's feelings. All this was indoctrinated in my mind for many years, and that is why I have the feelings that I do.

[itsamiracle]

Roon, that was lovely!!!


Amy, I'm sorry for what you've been thru. You didn't deserve that.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I too get tired of the "Saint-Adoptive-Mommy" title as well. For goodness sake I am SELFISH!! There was NOTHING in this world I wanted more than to me a mommy. I wanted it SO much that we took our boys SO close together. (2 1/2 months apart). That is the other "Saint" comment I get..."Oh, your patience, and bless you". Bless me?? I have been blessed more than any woman I know. I feel like saying just spend 5 minutes with my sons...you will see who is blessed. I enjoy every smile, laugh, Ma-ma, even the dirty diapers, teething, feavers from shots, winter colds. THIS is what motherhood is all about. I did not get into it to be a savior. I am not the hand of God sent to rescue them. Not only that, but I am not entirely sure we are done yet. We get a bigger house and I could be like my mom...a mother of 5! Heck, how about 6, 7, who knows. I just really love being a mommy. It is the one thing I am most proud of, and the one area in my life that I refuse to cut corners!

[Southernroots]

what do you most want others to know about how adoption has impacted or touched your life? What do you need people to hear?

I guess what I want people to know is:
1) that I thought adoption was a fairly uncomplicated process - a brief time in my life that I had recovered from and made it through;
2) thought that you could transfer a baby from one family to another with no little lingering problems for anyone;
3) that a tiny baby would never even miss its first mother or have any interest in her even as an adult;
4) that there was some initial pain, but, that you "got over it". Only a nagging sense that "something" wasn't quite right was all I felt for years.
5) that it was okay - adoption and separating mothers and babies.

Not until reunion, did I discover that I had never really truly allowed myself to "feel" what I really felt about the loss of my son. I never felt that he even was "my" son until reunion, he was "theirs" and had little to do with me.

I thought he'd be like "them" not me. The feelings that surfaced at reunion - that he was my son too, always had been, - that I loved him dearly - that I longed to know him desperately - these were revelations to me.

The absolute worst realization though was the sheer horror of what I had done by giving my newborn to strangers to raise and missed nearly 32 years of his life. When I finally realized, the magnitude and significance of what I had done - when it finally hit me - it was horrific -and I experienced pain so deep and wrenching I was not certain I could survive such anguish. In the months and years that followed, I realized that nearly every idea I had about adoption no longer seemed valid for me anymore. All that I had believed flew out the window.

Ah, back to the impact. My son's adoption wounded my soul and my heart. The scars will always remain - mostly healed - but still tender to the touch at times. The experience has become part of who I am. The sheer raw pain is more than one should ever ask of a person unless it is absolutely necessary. It wasn't in my situation - but, I didn't know - and no one made any attempts to warn me what my son and I might face.

I want people to know that I don't hate all adoption - only those when a baby could and should be raised by its mother - a mother that wants to nurture and raise it. I believe in family preservation first, but never at a child's expense.

I want adoptive moms to know that I am not a super hero for relinquishing my child - most mothers will do what they feel (or are presssured into believing) is best for the child they love. So for any adoptive mom, it was no easier for me to lose my child than it would be for any of you - despite any other differences we might have.

[Roon63]

Originally Posted by Southernroots

I believe in family preservation first, but never at a child's expense.

that is the most wonderful sentence, and should be blazen across every adoption poster. You hit the nail perfectly. We arn't saints, a/moms or biomoms, we are moms who put the child first. As any mom should. And dad's out there! Don't want to exclude you, although the woman seem to get the saintly role now adays.

[kerry lynn]

I cannot relate to the sentiment : being a mother is the best thing in the world. Forgive my acribic tone, but it has developed from decades of gagging on the bile that filled my mouth, infecting my bitten tongue. Sometimes, if I swallow enough pride, and chase it down with a little temperence, I can speak using the voice God gave me. I will try... <ahem...>

Humor me... 1968 baby girl adopted by couple who already birthed the Messiah's twin brother. Woman of said couple (aka, The Shrew), should have never been given ovaries, let alone a passport and checkbook. Enough said.

Having 4 heathens, I mean, children, of my own, I have made the following observation: There are 3 types of women who raise a child.
1. "Mother". If the word was a means of currency, The Shrew's image would be on the face, and the value would be worthless. When touched, a foul residue would remain on the skin of the unfortuante holder, reminding future innocents, avoid contact.
2. "Mommy". If the word was a color, it would be bubble gum pink, and would smell of Hope, Life, and Love -- just as God had intended Her to be.
3. "Mom". If the word was a person, she would be the little girl who had a Mother, but wants to be a Mommy, but will have to accept she can only be a Mom.


I want others to know there are some things a person can never have as a Second Chance. There are some things and people, who become Nothing from Something. There are some people who should consider owning a dog or cat, first. There are some women who should never be given an opportunity to be Blessed to have a child, and there are some who should be fined for assuming the title, Mom or Mommy. There are no second chances with a child's life, but a swift, closed-door stroke of a pen says a Second Chance is Just as Good. See? The raised stamp of approval says so!

Before the debate ensues: I am humbled that my mom had the courage to keep me in her body, allowed me the chance to breathe-in room air, and had the selflessness to offer a part of Her own Self, to a complete stranger, in hopes the stranger will take care of Her Baby. I am afraid to come face-to-face to such a woman of strength & courage. I could never allow myself to break her as I know the eyes of her baby girl will do to her. The windows of the soul betray the shades of silence, and reveal My Story to anyone who has the heart of a Mommy.

I am revolted that women like the shrew exist, making me incapable of ever trusting a woman's ability to be a Mommy. I am disgusted that Abusive, Neglectful self-absorbed adoptive mothers exist, but escape condemnation for fear ALL Adoptive Moms will become bait for the fangs of justice. I am profoundly numb with loss that the Baby who is meant to be a Blessing, becomes a curse, burdened with this secret of inner-death, so Others will not have to feel the discomfort of Reality.

I am grateful I am able to indulge my need to spew verbal poison from the mind of a Girl who wants to be a mommy to her 4 children, but will never be able, because Shrews ARE real... and THIS is what others MUST know.

[heartened]

I hear you, Kerry. God, do I hear you.

[mom2justynsarah]

I am an adoptive mom and a wife of an adoptee.

I wish people would stop thanking me & telling me how wonderful I am for adopting my daughter. It makes me feel as though adoptive parents are performing a saintly act of saving babies from a life of hardship, and pain.

The truth is, my daughter saved MY life. My mom died a few years back from breast cancer. We were extremely close. Since then, I have been walking around with an empty heart.

Last year, God brought my daughter & I together. It was through the miracle of adoption. Having my daughter in my life has brought ME tremendous happiness & joy. She has taken away my sorrow & has given me a reason to feel alive again.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. Being the mommy to my precious, beautiful daughter has been one of the MOST rewarding things I have experienced in my life.

There is something almost spiritual in the connection I feel with my daughter. It's as if I have known her all my life. The love we share is miraculous & remarkable.

Have I mentioned that I am pro adoption? LOL~

[nobodys_child]

Kerry Lynn,

From one survivor of a SHREW to another, thank you for putting it so eloquently!

Heartened,

There is something else I don't care for...people who tell me I am "so lucky to have such wonderful parents." Every time I have heard that it turns my stomach. No one knows the horrors that lurked behind closed doors.

There was nothing lucky about my childhood, other than that I somehow survived it.

[crick]

I want people to understand that there is no cookie cutter examples or process in this big world of adoption. There are so many myths on all sides of the "plane" and so many different experiences unique to each person. No 2 people are going to experience things exactly the same way in life in general so I don't understand why people expect it to happen in adoption.
There are people who were adopted that do not suffer, there are bmoms who are okay with their decision to place their child. There are aparents who do support their children in a search or in their grief. And yes, there are adoptees who have suffered, bparents who regret their decisions, and aparents who had no business adopting a child.

I wish people would understand that because of all the differences, it is impossible to wrap these myths and blanket statements around such a vast experience. I'm tired of hearing "This was MY experience and therefore it applies to everyone or SHOULD apply to everyone."

At the same time, I want people to appreciate the differences and learn from them. Know that for every content person, there is a person in pain. Acknowledge, respect and hear both...

[AMom2Two]

I want people to know that our adopted children are truly our own children. That we love them as much as any biological child we had or could have had and just because you don't share the same genes doesn't mean that your love is "less then" the bio. mothers love.

I want people to know that adoption is not second best.

And finally, I want people to know that we are not saints for adopting or special or whatever corney words they use. We are the same as every other woman that wanted a child. We fulfilled our need to nuture, love and raise a child just as they gave birth to fulfill their own needs. We are no better or no less. We are all just mothers mothering children we love and wanting the very best for them.

[BrandyHagz]

I absolutely, positively WILL NOT put up with Triad bashing on this forum, PERIOD.

If you cant post in a manner that is respectful of EVERYONE that participates on these forums, that includes, foster parents, adoptive parents, birthparents adoptees, spouses, significant others and so on, then you will be banned, without warning and without explanation.

The pillar of our Terms of Service is RESPECT – respect is not attacking an entire group of people because you had a bad experience.

(A message has been deleted from this thread – just so you know)