[annelizly]

I drove to the hospital today because my Amom was taken there by ambulance. I didn't know if she was going to make it or not but as I drove I realized that if she died I would basically be an orphan (adad passed 11 years ago)

I realized that although this is a moment most people go through, I seemed to think that it was harder for me being an adoptee.

I have met my bdad and his family and they are nice and we keep in touch but because there was no shared history I never quite felt like a "real" part of their family.

My bmom wants nothing to do with meeting me.

I don't know how I am going to handle it when she passes because I don't feel that amoms family will really be all that interested in keeping in contact once amom is gone. It will be like losing all my family at once.
does this make sense to anyone?

[kerrib]

I don't how old these postings are, but as an adoptive parent, I am wondering how I can mitigate these feelings of abandonment my daughter may have. My hear is already bursting and i have just seen photos.

Is there anything your parents could have said or done differently that would have made a difference?

Kerri

[heartbeat]

It will be like losing all my family at once. does this make sense to anyone?

Sure does to me. My a-mom died in 2001 after being with my dad for almost 60 years, 56 of that married. A year ago this month he passed away too. I've let go of any relationship with my brother - we've spoken twice in 4-5 years and that was surrounding dad's death. I have a sister who I'm close to, close being a relative word. We may go for months with no communication, then talk intensely and get to the meat of things 5-6 times in a row. I have an aunt and uncle (neither married) who each have 2 kids, none of whom I've had communication with for 15-20 years, and an elderly aunt that I've communicated with once in 15-20 yrs. That's it. That's my family. So after my dad passed away I realized I really had no 'safety net' to fall back on for a place to live or finances. It's a very alone feeling. I always knew I had SOMEONE to turn to if my life fell apart, and I don't anymore. Couple of very good friends, one on each coast. Lots of other people that I'm 'surface friends' with. I found my birth family in February, but we haven't met in person yet, and no way would I ask them for anything. I don't mean that in a huffy way...but I barely know them, and I don't want to start our relationship that way.

It makes me sad to say this, but one good thing their passing has brought is an end to the guilt. I don't mean it magically disappeared - there's a lot of it inside - but there's no more continuing to build.

You're right, annelizly, it feels very strange.

How's your a-mom doing?

Warmly, heartbeat

[WLD]

annelizly - hows your mom doing? Sorry for your loniliness, if it makes you feel any better at all, my parents (I'm not adopted) passed away 6 years ago within a month of each other and sad to say, my family disappeared so to speak too. I come from a large family with lots of brothers and sisters but i have barely spoken with any of them besides 2 brothers (we are still close) the rest of the siblings and i have nothing in common since my parents passed. It happens in adopted families and nonadopted ones. I think it comes down to shared interests and strong bonds. I always thought as a family we were strongly bonded but now i realize that my parents were the only glue holding us together. I've finally come to terms with that and have relied on a few very close friends and my kids/husband for family needs. At first i felt like i had to be close to the other siblings then i said "why fight it? i have nothing in common with these people even though they are blood siblings, we don't enjoy each others company, lets get on with our lives" I have to say, it worked out fine once i got over the feeling of "wow, i'm an orphan in ever since of the word"

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by annelizly

I drove to the hospital today because my Amom was taken there by ambulance. I didn't know if she was going to make it or not but as I drove I realized that if she died I would basically be an orphan (adad passed 11 years ago)

I realized that although this is a moment most people go through, I seemed to think that it was harder for me being an adoptee.

I have met my bdad and his family and they are nice and we keep in touch but because there was no shared history I never quite felt like a "real" part of their family.

My bmom wants nothing to do with meeting me.

I don't know how I am going to handle it when she passes because I don't feel that amoms family will really be all that interested in keeping in contact once amom is gone. It will be like losing all my family at once.
does this make sense to anyone?

I hope your mom is doing well, annelizly. Keep us posted, ok?

I can completely relate to what you are saying. My agrandmother passed away a week ago last Friday and that brought the family together for a fleeting moment. I have thought for years now, that when my grandparents are gone (grandpa is still alive and kickin' at 90 years of age) - that the family will slowly break apart. I'm certain that when my parents are gone too, the rest of the remaining family will break apart even farther. I don't know that my abrother and I will keep in contact. I seriously doubt it. The only time we talk is when there is a family gathering during the holidays. Same with my cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. I'm sure when my aparents (the glue) are no longer there, there won't be much contact, if any. I've resigned myself to the fact that that will be the time that my husband, children, and future grandchildren will begin our own family traditions and family gatherings.

I have the same bfamily experience as you do. I've met my bdad and his family. I'm pretty close to one bsis, but there just isn't a connection with anyone else on his side. And again, the same as you, my bmom wants nothing to do with me.

I hope you are doing well, and I wish I could write more, but I need to head to work.

Keep in touch.

Huggs,
Raina

[heartbeat]

I swear, I can say what I mean in my head, but as it's headed to the paper something is lost. I re-read this thread, along with my own post, and I saw what to me looks like a terrible statement unless you're me and fully understand it.

I wrote:

That's it. That's my family. So after my dad passed away I realized I really had no 'safety net' to fall back on for a place to live or finances.

That could be taken as if someone to rescue me if I screwed up was the most important thing. Not what I meant. I simply meant that my life - with holidays, vacations, those rare chats when everything just clicks, those inside jokes that only my family could laugh about - that life has changed in ways that I couldn't comprehend. When it fully hit me that dad was gone and my family now consisted of a few people with a very thin bond from 50 years ago, I felt about as warm, loved and snuggly as a lone star in a stark, frigid, winter night sky. I explored the effect that their passing would have on my future, remembering years past and watching each full-screen, technicolor memory slowly recede, losing color and clarity until it winked out. The blackness that remained represented my future, at least my future with, adopted or not, my family. It's hard to fully appreciate that that unit of people who comprise over 50% of the memories which make up my life, no longer exists. Just like when someone important to us dies and we're amazed that the world just calmly goes about it's business while we want to scream out, 'Don't you people get it?! The world has changed! Have some respect!" A part of me and how I define myself is gone, my security in my world view has changed. All is NOT right with the world. Suddenly it hit me with terrifying clarity - mom and dad are gone, who will take care of me?! Comfort me when I'm scared or hurting? Figuratively rock me in their arms, saying, "shh there there, it'll be alright." I kind of felt abandoned and lost. I also had to face that there were no more 'do-overs'. The life we'd had together was what it was, no childish wishing on birthday candles has a chance of changing it now.

I don't know if I've been able to convey what I felt. Parents are the big guy who steps between us and that bully, the world. My brain had already processed feelings and memories when I wrote that post, and talking about not having a safety net is what it all boiled down to for me. The people who tried to save me from the world were gone, and I had to face it alone, with no backup.

I'd be interested in how those of you who have lost both parents feel or felt if you want to share that. Darnit, now my head hurts and I'm all crying and sniffling.

Warmly, heartbeat

[sal]

I lost both of my aparents in 2004...(exactly 2 months apart) and at the age of 50 felt totally like an orphan...I had been the primary caretaker for both of them through a decade of cancer and at least as much time dealing with Alzheimers... (I have an abrother who had/has been nonexistant in our lives... and gave no support at all so I really did do it by myself) It's funny that the relief of not having to deal with it all though hasn't taken any of the grief away... I still would vote them back if I had a chance......I have been in reunion with my bmother, bsibs and extended bfamily since 2001... and they have been an unbelievable amount of support through all the grief but I keep wondering when the orphan child feeling will lessen?... maybe it never will... but I guess looking forward without forgetting might be the best way to help. .........sal

[Heart_Of_Triad_Bonni]

I think as adoptees we are born with a sense of loss. Read the "Primal Wound" It will help you understand. Bonni Owner Heart Of Triad

[WLD]

"Just like when someone important to us dies and we're amazed that the world just calmly goes about it's business while we want to scream out, 'Don't you people get it?! The world has changed! Have some respect!" A part of me and how I define myself is gone, my security in my world view has changed"

EXACTLY! I actually said these words to my husband six years ago. I told him that i couldn't understand how everyone at work, in the grocery store, etc....could just go on like nothing happened. Even though it has been six years since i lost both parents, there are times i still feel like an orphan, like the little girl who just wants her parents. Sometimes you just feel so disconnected from the world. I once read that Corrie ten Boom (I think) wrote that 'it is not time that heals all wounds, its what you do during that time that heals the wounds'

[abcg1977]

So the original ? was about what are the effects of being adopted...Well, I think it effects how me make decisions and how we connect with everyone in our lives. I think is helps form how we treat other's and what we allow ourselves to recieve from other's...Basically in a nutshell, What does it NOT effect?

Since we all have different b-family histories (some held or cared for by b-mom some not) and different a-family stories (some great some not) we can only get partial glimpses of what the effects might be for each individual. I think the effects are extremely varied. My HO is though that we are all effected in one way or another ,even in some small degree, because of our adoptions and we all have good and bad feelings about those effects.

About Annelizly's post... I almost lost my a-mom 2 times before I reunited w/my b-mom... I just remember thinking..."I am not going to have a mother anymore" It was suffocating to me...Even as much as she and I butt heads I could not stomach the thought of loosing her. Still can't even now I have my b-mom too... I think it is just that our mother's who raised us have our history...(almost) loosing them reminds us that they were our everything at one point in time...Like we could not have lived without them, how can we now? They were "mom" and I think that scares anyone b-child or a-child... At any rate, that is how I felt. Sometimes I wonder if something happens to my b-mom will I handle that better??? I mean I have lost her once and lived. I grieved and hurt but,I did go on. I think that is why we do not often trust our b-mom's...they did it too. They left us adn went on. Not easy but, they did. I think that is where the thought of "disposable" comes into our heads...

About crying babies...I was one too. I have some notes from my 2nd foster mother saying how I always woke up crying and was seldom comforted by anything except music...I found out from b-mom 2 yrs. ago she always played music to her belly and sang to me...She held me in the hospital too. I was in foster care for 10 weeks. My a-mom says I quieted down soon enough at home. I think it took weeks to months though... I was always very easy to cry...Who am I kidding? I still am...

I have read every book recommended here too and they are all good.

Later~

[confusedguy]

Personally speaking, I have always thought that it was not the "effects" of being adopted but rather my response to being adopted in how I handled it. My amom passed away 18 years ago and my adad 5 years ago. My afamily are for the most part great people but I never seemed comfortable with them and felt as though I never fit in so when my afather died I basically discontinued being part of a family no matter how much I tried I just never felt part of them. After reading this thread I have for the first time realized that I am not the only one in this situation, so I am wondering how does one deal with this if it is based in an event years before??? When one reunites with thier bmom/bdad does this feeling of "sense of loss" and not being part of a family go away???
So far in life I have found that I have way more questions than answers when it comes to adoption and it's effects. I wish I had more answers but...

[annelizly]

Now there is the rub! The honest truth is that after you reunite with bfamily you do feel as though you fit in somewhat. You are finally surrounded by people who look like you or have the same mannerisms and its great! But....you never quite fit in there fully either because you don't have shared history. I have found that although I am glad that I have reunited I have faced the fact that being adopted means that we will NEVER EVER have what everyone else has. The day we were given away was the day that it became irriversable.

Sorry if this disappoints some people but it makes sense if you think about it.

[mosley]

Annelizly,

I read your post and I am disappointed but it makes perfect sense to me. I have not found my birth parents yet. I fantisize about meeting them and at that moment all my questions will be answered, everything will make sense, and I'll finally feel that I fit in. In the back of my mind there is this logic that tells me I'll probably never feel that I will fit in. Thay really sucks! Especially since I work very hard at fitting in and it seems to be my life mission. I bounce from group to group. I make friends but I never fit in. It gets very frustrating to be around people that don't feel my pain or even grasp the concept of. I am very grateful for this forum.

Lesli

[abcg1977]

imagine having one foot in a little row boat and one foot in another little row boat...Now balance that and keep them the same in distance or closeness...Keep your footing equally in each...

That is what my life is like post re-union... Sometimes I am doing just fine sometimes a feel like I am about to bust my hiney in the water as my feet fly in two different directions...

Just the way things go huh?

[Raina0831]

Originally Posted by abcg1977

imagine having one foot in a little row boat and one foot in another little row boat...Now balance that and keep them the same in distance or closeness...Keep your footing equally in each...

That is what my life is like post re-union... Sometimes I am doing just fine sometimes a feel like I am about to bust my hiney in the water as my feet fly in two different directions...

Just the way things go huh?

Having gone through reunion myself this analogy makes perfect sense. And is a bit comical to think about someone flying up in the air and landing on their backside in the water .

It IS easier to have both feet in one boat, but then you don't want to watch the other boat drift away, so you fight to keep them both close.

It is certainly a balancing act....

Huggs,
Raina