[FadedCoke]

todays my birthday.. i was born the 19th of february 81.. in the last ten years or so i have noticed a pattern.. i shut down emotionally n mentally about a week before my birthday to about the day or so after my birthday.. the one i shut down the most towards is my fiancee.. she has pledged forever with me and around my birthday its scary as all hell to believe that with her.. im scared ill get left or forgotten.. i think more n more about my birth parents around my birthday that gets me like paranoid someone else is going to just walk out in my life..

[ConfusedWife]

Hi

I'm not adopted but have joined the site as I'm trying to understand what goes through an adoptees mind, my husband is adopted. We are going through some pretty horrible times just now.

I just wanted to give you a big hug and say everything will be OK.

Sorry you feel so crap near your birthday but its only natural as its a constent reminder of the day you were "abandoned". If you can, try not to look at it like but think of it as the day you were brought into this world to make a difference... Maybe you could celebrate your "life" a completely different time of the year as its too painful to celebrate on the 19th of February.

Not really sure what else to say, just your feelings are valid. You are not the only adoptee to feel like you do.

take care

Mary

[kerry lynn]

I find as I get older, birthdays become more difficult for me. As a child, birthday's usually imply a party; as a single adult, birthday's are spent partying; but as a Mature Adult, birthdays are long days that would best be spent in bed. I remember as young as 5, I was deeply sad that my parents didn't know what time I was born. I mean, isn't that supposed to be known? My mother had these memory plates made of my brother's & my birthdays. His had HIS date & time of birth; mine just had a date. I remember being 5 because I was in 1st grade, at a new school, with new friends, and decided that from that day on, I was going to say I was born at 7:30am. That way, I could start my day at school being Officially a New Age.

As I got older, I found out the date of my adoption. That bothered me because my parents didn't celebrate THAT day. If a birthday is the celebration of one's life, and the importance & value that life brings to family & friends, wouldn't the day I was brought into my family be more important than the day I was born?

And then there were all the quiet moments alone, crying silent tears, wondering, "Does she remember me? Does she know what today is? Does she know how old I just turned? Was I ever real to her?".

Ahhh, yes, birthdays sure can be swell, eh?

To this day, I prefer to be left alone, and I've learned to spend my birthday in a meaningful way: I indulge in a day of Me. Of all the participants of that Day, I am the only one present & accounted for, so it stands to reason I should continue the tradition. I find it MUCH easier being alone, than having to fake enthusiasm or a willingness to go out and "celebrate".

Maybe I find birthdays increasingly more difficult because as I get older, SHE gets older... and with each year that passes that I don't find her, that's one less year I have to meet her.

With each birthday cake, whether eaten with others, or an ice cream eaten alone, I make the same wish each year... if I say it, it won't come true, , but suffice it to say, I cannot fathom the sweetness of sharing my cake & candle with my Mom.

[tallulah]

First, I'd like to ask you if you have found your birth family yet?

I have, and since then my birthdays don't seem to bother me any more. I am not in contact with my bMom because of various reasons and I still wonder if she thinks of me on that day...and I guess I know she does. Celebrate your birthday for you....it's the day you came into this world and you should celebrate that day, it's your day, it belongs to you!

[dwinters66]

I completely understand with you.. I was adopted when I was 2 1/2 years old. Growing up when I was little, (back then didn't know the news about being adopted.) I used to tell everyone that it was my birthday..so they won't forget...
When I was in my early twenties, (23 i think) I remember one birthday I was wondering if "someone" knew it was birthday. If and when "they" were going to search for me?
I do feel different on my birthday.. I know how you feel because I do feel the same way.. It is a day to celebrate me being alive and well.. I hope I will get lots of birthdays!!
My story is that my birthmother passed away when I was 10 years old. Her mother (my grandmother) passed away in 1997. My mother had four children..All of them were secrets.. except my half brother.. which when my mother passed on, my grandmother did not take care of him, so needless to say, he was adopted out out the family.
~~~But good news is~~
I have been found.. I have been loved!! Not knowing is very difficult and NOW I know all about my mother, grandmother and my third cousin and his family!!
My cousin has welcome my sister and I with open arms! He has been searching for us for seven years!
Now I have a problem with my adopted family not telling me anything about my birth mother..or father.. One of my adopted brothers told me that "he wasnt your father, he was only a sperm donor." your adopted dad is your father, he raised you and supported you.. I don't understand why there is a secret!! They knew who she was. I just don't understand why my brothers wont tell me anymore about her when she was around...

Since then I have found some letters that she wrote to her mother. And through the letters I have gotten to know her.

happy belated birthday!!!


thanks for listening...

Diane

[wandrinspirit63]

As I've gotten older my philosophy on them has changed from spending time with friends and family to just wanting to spend them as just another day. More or less just forgetting about what day it is and realizing that I'm another year older and that's it. Not sure that's a healthy outlook but there it is.
FadedCoke, you're not alone in your feelings as I too have them so I understand comepletly.

[darkknight]

Yeah, I used to hate my birthday. I would usually spend it alone and spend hours going thru adoption registries hoping for a match. I didn't liek celebrating my son's birthday either. I know it's a little weird but it felt strange to see him having so much fun.
Now that I'm searching and understanding where those feelings are coming from, my last birthday was much better.

[RKnotts]

I too don't care for my birthday... I shut down and don't make a big deal of it... I mean why should I, I was born and basically given or taken away shortly after that... I have aparents that don't really care because 9 years after adopting me they were able to have their own child... So now I am an outsider...

But you know, it is not just my birthday that I don't like to celebrate... It is Christmas too... I find it hard to get excited about spending time with a family that could not really care if I was there or not...

I feel bad because my wife and kids are always trying to bring the Christmas spirit, but I just want to be left alone... I go out and spend tons of money on my girls, so they don't have to feel the grief that I feel... I love my girls, I just find it hard to get excited about a holiday that you are suppose to be with your family and your family wants you there...

rknotts

[wandrinspirit63]

I also don't like to celebrate Christmas, it's good to know I'm not the only one that feels this way, thought I was a minority there too.

[RKnotts]

Not even close...

I know others that are the same way...
One of my biggest problems is to try to get my wife to understand why holidays and birthdays are not that exciting for me... She tries to be supportive, but she just does not get it... but it is not her fault. I learned that although adoptees are in the hundreds of thousand or more, we are still a pretty exclusive club.

rknotts