[angelesther]

hey all, this is the first time that i am acutally asking for help and advice here, i am only sorry that it took me so long to do so. maybe if i had faced this issue i wouldnt be in the boat that i am in now. my boyfriend of 6 months dumped me today. we have been pretty seirous for a while now. we had gotten to the point of planning on getting married again [i say again because we had been together before, and he broke up with me before, but when we got back together he assured me that this time it was for good] and then the last couple of days we had been strugling through some issues in our relationship [unrelated] and he tells me that i have been pushing him away and acting "strange." I am not sure what i did, but i think that he is right. what do i do? how can i change so that this dosnt happen again? what do i need to deal with so that i can stop sabotageing my own relationships? is there hope for me? Ill take any segjestions.

Desprately, Angel

[irenedavis]

When you say you're sabotaging your relationships what do you mean? Also, when your boyfriend tells you that you're distant do you know what he means and do you agree? I ask these question to suggest that in my experience improvement in my relationships have come with self-examination aided by a good therapist and work at developing communication skills that were (and still are) sorely lacking. Also, relationships are at least two-sided and while your boyfriend may not have been able to cope with your issues that does not mean that something is wrong with you. Another person might be better suited to address his own issues and support you in your struggle with yours.

[DeeLwsn]

Girlfriend, Why are you even still with this guy? You may be pushing him away because you know in your heart he is not the one...he may be looking for excuses to get out of the relationship and wants to put it all on you!

If he cannot be understanding during the "tough" times - what kind of future relationship do you have to look forward to? Not much!

Cut your losses and move on...don't let him bring you down!

i understand pushing people away without even realizing that you're doing it. it's something that i did often when i was younger. i wouldn't let guys get close to me. i was afraid that if i let them get too close i would actually open up to them and they would leave. i finally truly opened up to my last boyfriend and we were together for almost a year and a half. he just broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. it really sucks to finally let someone in and have them leave you, but i am glad that i was finally able to let someone be that close to me. my suggestion is to ask him to give you examples of you pushing him away. as far as what you can do to change so that this doesn't happen again, all i can say is that it takes a lot of time and self-reflection. you need to deal with the abandonment issues that the majority of us adoptees have. it sux, but if you want to change it's gotta be done. and i know that for me it was something that i had to do on my own. i tried dating while i was dealing with my issues, but it just didn't work. so i was pretty much single for 3 years. it worked out better for me though because i was finally happy with who i was and i fell deeper in love than i ever thought possible. and yes, that relationship is over now, but i learned so much from it. i'm a firm believer that everyone comes into our lives for a reason. i believe that steve came into my life to show me that i can let someone in, but that's just me. now, i also have to agree with DeeLwsn in saying that if he can't understand during the tough times now, what kind of future could lay ahead? i've never been married, but i've heard and seen that marriage is tough and there are a lot of tough times. what would he do if you were married and having tough times? so i wish you the best of luck and i leave you with this quote... "people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are lead to those who help us to grow the most, if we let them, and we help them in return..."

[hopeful0712]

Angel,
Never loose hope or faith. Right now you need to concentrate on you and seek some help. Whether that be talking to friends and asking them if they might give you some insight, or talking with your aparents, or going to a counselor. Nothing wrong with asking for help. Stay strong and keep posting. We are here for you!
God bless,
Robin