[fatboybert]

I was wondering if any of you there maybe able to shed light on this problem I have.

Quick background - I walked out on my wife and 6mth baby 7weeks ago because it came out in conversation I was not in love with my wife. Now before I am judged on this action, I have tried to support my baby and in alot of ways my wife over this time. So I have been flitting in and out of there lives for the 7 weeks.

Now for her own good, my wife has stopped me seeing my daughter, because this means seeing my wife as well, beacuse it hurts her and she can't take it.

I was struggling to know what the problem was and we went to marriage counselling about it. Nothing the counsellor said really cleared things up for me and over this period of separation I have been flailing around grabbing any excuse to why I did what I did. Now I truly beleive it was triggered in my subconcious by the birth of my adorable daughter and that the cause of my bad, unforgivable walkout may relate to unresolved issues with my adoption which were not addressed at a much earlier age.

I have always told people my adoption didn't affect me and that I had no curiosity about my birth parents. Now after reading Adoption Healing and I've now started The Primal Wound that my recent actions are somehow related.

If you have taken the time to read this I thank-you, please could you advise me as I truly beleive I do not want to loose my family, but I am so confused and my feelings so mixed up.

Any help would be appreciated.

[missingmyboy]

I read another of your posts here about this too so I know a bit more than is in this post.

I find it interesting that you call what your dad did to you "dad's unforgivable walkout" but yet you did the same to you chilid. Is that what you want for her?

Would it be possible for you and your wife to go to marriage counselling together? I think that would be good for you both.

I am wondering if you might have attachment difficulties. Maybe you would want to explore that.

Good luck.

Shell

[fatboybert]

Shell,


Thank-you for your reply and for your time reading my messages. I think I might have caused some confusion though.

The unforgivable walkout thing was me on my wife and daughter. As for my birthparents this is what I know, I think, my mum was 17 and my dad not around. My mum could'nt support me so she gave me up for adoption. I was fostered until 9mths then eventually adopted. I was in contact with my foster parents until they suggested contacting my birthparents at which point my parents severed communication with them and disallowed me to see them anymore as they were trying to protect me then it was just me and my adoptive family. My foster parents have always remembered me at Christmas and birthdays and are forever sending me cards from their latest trips. So we are now back in contact which is good.

This is my information to date.

[Volfe]

Maybe you are facing the Need to be Rejected, which I'm told 'the Primal Wound' explores, and which other adopted persons feel (someone who read the book explained this concept to me, and it helped explain a bit about my mother, who was adopted).

I'm not excusing your walking out, but having insight on a problem helps you resolve it and/ or live peaceably with it.

good luck

Maia

[ingodshands]

Sometimes the awlful fear of being rejected.....can lead one to behave in such a way....that they do the rejecting....convinced otherwise that they will be rejected, that they are not worthy.

Collette

[missingmyboy]

hence attachment difficulties.

[ingodshands]

"hence attachment difficulties."

So, sooo true.

Collette

[Volfe]

thank you Collette - that was the explanation i was given but I didn't remember how to word it as eloquently. That simple explanation has given me such insight... such clarity into Life as I have known it... and my own difficulty with relationships (I'm mostly a loner irl).

Maia

[HappyMomAnna]

I was the 18 year old bride of an adopted man who did not work past his own unresolved issues realated to being adopted.... It was the most painful 14 years of my life for which I needed at least five years to recover from....

When Our little babies were 1 and 2 he walked out on us too...It was horrible for me...I had no clue what I had done to drive him away from me....or why or how a man could simply get up one morning and walk right out the front door....?

He had always sort of had a bad attitude with me.... He especially didn't like me when I was pregnant--it disgusted him...he had no stories of his birhtmother being pregnant with him....He had made up stories of how and why he had come to be adopted...many of his stories were either about his birthmother being too young to understand--or that perhaps she had been raped..... He still has a low reguard for woman in general....Our 20 year old daughter called only the other night crying about the fact she does not know how to GET him to love her the way she needs to be loved......

He did return from his trip away...and we went on for another ten or so years trying to make it all work. When he returned he told me he would never leave again that he would not abandon his family....that if anyone gave up on us it would have to be me...and from there it was a life of a nightmare--and he did what he could to drive me away from his heart.... Eventually I was the one who called an end to this journey because he simply never did deal with the feelings he carried in his heart....

I wished and still wish to this very day that he had been able to work past the feeling he lived with...I NEVER wanted to say I had an ex-husband and to this very day my prayers include him healing from the pain that could not allow him to feel that he could Love me.....

[ingodshands]

This maybe is what is the underlying issue with fatboybert...I have P'MD him. He needs to establish for himself though, if he feels/behaves as he does due to his adoption.....or something else.

Maybe the birth of his daughter triggered something?

I know in my own marriage, I find it very hard to show emotion...to trust totally. There is always in the back of my mind that fear, that I am not worthy enough of my husband, that he will hurt me, reject me. Of course he reassures me that he won't hurt me. Now, saying that, there is nobody that I would rather be with, I hate it when he is not around, he is my best friend.

Now this lack of trust, being able to show emotion, is it due to my birthmother leaving me as a young child? Yes, I believe so. Also, by her second rejection of me again years later. And by being pushed from pillar to post from one foster family to another. It now seems it becomes almost impossible for me to trust other adults. Rather than try, I tend to distance myself, to start with, so as to avoid any future rejection/let downs. Interesting.

Collette

[HappyMomAnna]

The birth of our children in fact did trigger many issues for my ex-husband starting with his inability to be connected to me during our pregnancies--in fact it was a pregnancy scare later in our marriage which caused me to gather enough energy to be the one to draw the line and end the whole marriage--something that very much never had to happen....

The dynamic and issues that he and I faced were UNREAL to me.... There was simply not a way that I would ever have been able to prove to him that MY LOVE was complete and sincere...As the wife It was so painful to love a man who pushed me to the brink and gave me more reasons then could be listed to give up and run away... Marriage counseling was not of help as it is clear today that persons with Attachment issues do in fact require a different kind of therapy to heal--Our threapy consisted of weeks of working on the things I failed at--and then stopping when it got close to helping him with his issues....each reentry into therapy escalted these problems and by the end of our 14 year marriage our most recent thrapist belived I was a complete loon and lied about everything---I ended up appearing like a mad woman as the attachment issues tend to cause with the primary caregiver!

If only I had understood of known about RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) perhaps we might have had some chance to heal--Attahcment disorders can be healed it simply requires a completely different kind of therapy and attitude. I would suggest that in addition to readin the Primal Wound that investagation into Attachment issues MAY actually help an adult as well--If only I had known this issue before I had to reject the father of my children....

[fatboybert]

Many thanks to everyone who took the time to reply, many statements made hit home and I have taken on board as things to research. You have all been really helpful thank -you.

One thing I have figured out over the past few days is that (I THINK) I my wife really loves me and I can trust this. The reason I state I think is I feel I am that confused with everything being stirred up, that I cannot truly trust my definitions of my emotions. I am now questioning every definition I have ever had of most emotions.

So, how have I come to this conclusion? Well I took away all emotion and went by every sacrifice and deed that she has ever done or made, in doing so there is overwhelming evidence which is undisbutible. I know its not the ideal way to figure the fact my wife truly loves me for me but its all I can do.

One of your emails, briefly mentioned RAD. Is this worth exploring in regards to me? I've actually not heard of it before.

[ingodshands]

It certainly is worth looking into RAD. You don't have anything to lose by investigating it.

Have you spoke with your wife? One thing that I think is very real for some adoptees, is to TEST their spouse's love for them, i'm not saying that they are aware that they are doing this, a lot probably are not until AFTER they have done it. Same thing sometimes for kids that are growing up in foster care, their trust in adults diminishes, the more placements they have, so that they have problems attaching, and TEST their new foster parents, with bad behaviour. If the foster parents are committed and try to work with the child, and trys to understand their fears, these problems can be worked out. But if the foster parents cannot tolerate the bad behaviour, feels unable to connect with the child, therefore placing them in another home....it tells the child that they were right, all adults do is let them down and reject them.

Now I know you were only fostered for 9 months before adoption. You obviously connected with these foster parents....then your contact was stopped, through no choice of yours....when they mentioned contact with your birthparents. So, you have a foster family that care for you, and you for them, but were not allowed contact, because your aparents were obviously worried about you getting hurt, and worried about their own fears. Maybe this affected you? An adult making a choice for you again, that you did not agree with.

Now you are an adult yourself, you finally have the opportunity to make your OWN choices, to speak out for yourself, perhaps part of you is rebelling? Perhaps part of you is angry that you didnt have a choice when you were younger?

Just a few thoughts for you to think over....

Collette

[kune]

Just a quick response - to fatboybert
I believe that you cannot truly love anyone else until you learn to love yourself. You see, when you believe you are loveable, then others feel it too. Maybe its time for you to acknowledge the goodness in yourself, heal your hurts and past errors, but stay focussed on the direction you want your life to take rather than keep looking at where it has gone to date. We can all get bogged down in where we have fallen down in the past, and we need to rationalise the why's and wherefore's but if you concentrate on every new day as a new beginning, faced with a smile, a positive attitude and attainable goals, you begin to really live.
That's my mantra - for what it is worth.

[ingodshands]

You said: "Maybe its time for you to acknowledge the goodness in yourself, heal your hurts and past errors, but stay focussed on the direction you want your life to take rather than keep looking at where it has gone to date."

Sometimes we have to figure out what our hurts are before we have the capability of healing and moving forward. Once figured out, then try to face them, and deal with them. I believe fatboybert does acknowledge the goodness in himself, which is why, he knows something is wrong, and is trying to establish what, he is taking time out for HIM right now....right or wrong, he needs to do this to uncover what is bothering him. Only then can he look forward with new hopes.
JMO

Collette