[shaneog]

Hello all, I just found these forums and have had a read through a few threads and really just want to see if there are others out there who have similar experiences as myself. The primary motivation is that I continuously leave my current relationship, I am engaged to a woman I think I really love but to be honest I have no idea how that should feel as I have never allowed myself love anyone over the years.

My story is basically that I was adopted at 3 months and taken home to what was a good family, had everything but have never felt a connection to any of my family. My instinct when it comes to my family is to keep away from them. Growing up I got in a lot of trouble, never felt part of anything and avoided any real communication with my family except when absolutely necessary. In my mid to late teens I broke communications with them for long periods up to 3 1/2 months on one occasion which drove them demented, they were worrried sick and I was afraid of their reaction. To cut a long story short I ended up drinking and gambling until I was suicidel and eventually got treatment and have be sober and free of a bet for over 4 years now. For a while relationships improved but then I lost interest again and prefer to keep to myself.

Two years ago I met my birth mother and spent a day with her. She told me bits and pieces and one thing that has been haunting me these last few weeks was that she gave me up 3 days after being born but continued to visit me in a home for 3 months and fed me! I'm angry at this now for some reason, I feel she should have just left me alone. Anyway I'm rambling the main issue now is my relationship with my wife to be. We get on great, we want to get married, me too and then all of a sudden I just don't want to be anywhere near her. I cannot spend a night in the same bed with her, I cannot sleep, feel very uncomfortable etc. Sexually everything is fine but sleeping, actually sleeping is impossible. When I feel I need to get away, I disappear and don't even tell her, I become very angry in what I communicate with her and ultimately seem to want to hurt her as much as possible. I have said things to her that I wouldn't say to my worst enemies and this just isn't the normal me. I am normally reserved, respectful and do not intentionally hurt people, least of all friends. It is almost as if I am possesed and am unable to control my actions or at least accept that they are destructive. The thing is I do feel I love her and want to spend my life with her but every 4 -6 weeks I just turn in to someone else. I'd love to hear if anyone else has similar patterns and if they have managed to change them. My problem I think is trust, I dont trust anyone who seems to love me, Abandonment again I suppose.

Thanks

Shane

[devotedadoptee]

Hi and welcome Shane,
There is a thread on this forum about co-dependency. When you have a chance take a look. Does it sound like you? Not at all! Nor does it me. I read the thread and thought wow I'm way off the other end, see most of the co-dependant adoptee's are "people pleasers" I am not. I have extreme low tolerance over people. Oh I'm just like what you said, I too have a good heart and am very respectful towards others but let me feel just a little threatened and I snap. I figured out why I do this it's my "I'll hurt you before you hurt me" theory. Now I don't want to but it's the most horrifying feeling for me to start to feel vulnerable. I give my heart and they will break it, I know. But how do we know if we don't try. Some adoptee's build themselves a shelter and hide. Protecting themselves from getting hurt. We have got to stop or we will never accept love and be able to give it back.
Shane, you do deserve to be loved and you can love back. Your fiancee sounds like a great lady but how much can she take? Have you tried to write her a letter just like the one you posted. It could help out because I bet she is so confused about why your acting like you do. She deserves some kind of explanation.
I've got that monster too and it scares me to death. It's manic rages. Now I am not against therapy but when I tried it, the therapists made me so angry I wanted to slap him! I am not stupid so don't talk to me like I'm stupid! He asked about my childhood (naturally,lol) I brought up adoption and his eyes lit up! "A reason why she's crazy" Maybe! But Shane, if you really want to save this relationship and yourself, somethings gonna have to give. So maybe you should consider therapy.

Can I ask you one question? Do you ever get depressed? If you do, I have a site I ask that you go to. The reason I ask is my brother suffered from this and when you wrote

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It is almost as if I am possesed and am unable to control my actions or at least accept that they are destructive. 


it struck a nerve and reminded me of how my brother used to describe himself. He was diagnosed with Bi-polar. My brother died last year because of it and so if you suffer from depression as well as rage, go to www.bipolarsupport.org it's a forum like this one and you read some of the posts and see what you think. Oh by the way he was adopted too!

Take care Shane and keep posting. These forums are excellent therapy!

Michelle