[Darwin]

Okay, I am 31 years old. I have been engaged twice never married, the 1st time I backed out for good reasons, the second time he left me a week before the wedding and I was completely shocked.

That was 3 years ago. I have dated a few people since then, I feel strong and self confident. I feel like I am truly looking for a real lasting relationship. But it seems like everyone I date ends up leaving me. There was been 1 relationship during these past 3 years where I pretty much ended it, but it was somewhat mutual.

I used to believe for years that loving someone meant they would leave you. And I have tried really hard to overcome that fear and I thought that I had. But for some reason it seems like a vicious cycle I can not break. I meet these men and truly believe that they are sincere. They tell me that they are looking for a real and serious and deep love and once I fall in love and think things are going along fine, next thing I know I find myself alone again!

This last relationship still has my mind reeling. I believed that this man loved me deeply. We had an amazing time together and got along beautifully. He backed out so abruptly and without any real explanation except that monogomy drives him crazy. I feel like he just simply fell out of love with me after being 'crazy' in love. But this isn't the first time and I really am starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me?

Am I so blind that I subconsciously pick these kind of men? How come it *looks* different each time but ends the same?

I dont understand and I am at a loss. I dont even search out and seek love. Most of the men I date are men that I end up involved with through common interests. I do not online date and I am probably excessively picky in the men I will even go out with.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

[devotedadoptee]

Darwin, from what you wrote I'd say your just dating jerks! I'm also single and go through the same thing. I would love to be in a commited relationship but they leave me too! Your not alone. I consider myself to be a strong and self confident woman as well. Maybe too much sometimes. Some of my friends tell me that I'm too picky but I know what I want and what I expect out of a relationship.
I am very upfront and honest. I will not tolerate disrespect, disloyalty, and plain out laziness. I fully support my son and myself but I will not support a lazy man. Too demanding? Maybe. But I am proud to be that way. Adoption related? Could be but I think we are just picking the wrong guys! You stay strong and one day you will find a good man that will appreciate you! Maybe I will too

Michelle

[LeGraLon]

I dont think that all relationships are supposed to work out infact i think that alot of them don't and thats what makes the one that does last that muh more special.
I have heard that statement before, my ex boyfriend now bestfriend has said it since our first break up, he is also an adoptee, that everyone leaves him. I dont quite understand, Im not adopted so maybe it is a thing that happens to adopted children that they have this feeling of abandonment. Im not sure but everytime we would get into a fight or play the break up make up game, he would always say repeatedly that everyone leaves him, and no one wants him! I dont understand, can someone explain?
But back to the topic, Just think hey atleast you have one less jerk to date in your life. OR out of all that coal, your diamond is waiting in the rough

[Darwin]

Wow so last night I did a ton of soul-searching. And, in talking to my friend, I finally think I found the answer to my own question. I want to thank you for your responses and hope that my own slef seraching might help some of you too.

I know I have had abandonment issues for a really long time. I also realize that that is completely normal and makes a lot of sense with everything that I went through. Even though my parents were there for me, the reality is that at 3something my birth parents were gone suddenly. I went into a foster home and then from there went to live with my parents. I think about my niece who is about a year younger than I was then, and imagine what effect it would have on her if suddenly my sister and brother-in-law were replaced with 2 strangers! Relating to her in this way has been unbelievably eye-opening.

Okay so, once I went to live with my parents, the thing I needed more than anything in the world was complete and total unconditional love. In their defense I think that even if they had been experienced psychologists with years of training, the things that I went through would have been difficult for them to deal with and taken a ton of work and effort. But, they both, mainly my father, was screwed up with his own emotional problems that he still has not dealt with, and the way he was all those years only compounded the problems and fears inside me.

The next 16 years of my life were the hardest. I was shy, anti-social, poorly adjusted, self-loathing, depressed, sad, never felt that I fit in anywhere, low to no self-esteem (I could write a book about this part), manly I felt weak and I hated that weakness. I related all the weakness I felt to me at 3 and 4. I needed to distance myself from the little girl I was that desperately needed to be loved and comforted. The little girl I was that was WAS abandoned. It wasn't a fear I had, it wasn't that I was needy or clingy, it was that I WAS ABANDONED in REAL LIFE.

SO, in my early 20's I realized that my low self-esteem was destructive and bad. I realized that this was how I ended up in terrible relationships and was something that I needed to change. So I set to work on that. All the pain and hurt of 'that little girl' I pushed deep deep down into myself. And I started to work on the me now. I realized when I was about 20 that there was a mental 'tape' that often would play through my head. All negative things, things that my dad told me on a constant basis and things that I just somehow formed as beliefs. I remember the realization of this, I can almost even remember the moment where a lightbulb went off in my head and I said wow, that's pretty harmful stuff I am thinking about myself. Self depreciating, self-deprecating, harmful things. Like, I am inherently unlovable, I am stupid, I am needy, I am weak, I am awkward, I am an outsider, I can never rely on anyone but myself, anyone that I love will hurt me and leave me, and so on.

So I spent several years building up my self-esteem and working on realizing that this believe system was flawed and needed to be changed. I grew into what I now believe is a beautiful, strong, confident woman. I am loving, caring, affection, and kind. I think very highly of myself and believe that I am good and loveable.

Okay, now, I still have a problem in relationships. I either find myself falling out of love, cheating on the person, OR in the few instances that I have really opened my heart and TRULY believed that they would love me truly, and that they would NOT leave me, THEY DO!!

Many people have self-fulfilling prophecies all the time, and I am fully aware of this. Like the woman who was beaten by her father and finds herself in relationships with men that beat her over and over. How is this? Not all men are abusers, and yet this happens.

My friend said he thinks that I hold on to this belief (that anyone I love will leave) so deeply that I make this happen, even though consciously I don’t want it to.

Now that I have started to think about 'that little girl', me, the one that I have tried to kill and distance myself from, because she represents all the weakness and painful things that I never wanted to be a part of me, because I have worked so hard to grow into a strong woman that was confident and she is all my insecurity and fears, now I am starting to let her out of the darkness, I am letting those emotions that I felt at that age come back to the surface so that I can deal with them.

And this is my epiphany. When I am in a relationship with someone, I have a protective shield up. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want them to leave me, I find fault in them easily and almost always cheat. But, when I truly let my guard down, and believe that the person will love me and will NOT leave me, the hurt little girl comes out. And then I become clingy. All my fears and abandonment issues and insecurities come to the surface, subconsciously. And then because the part of me that needs love but is so afraid of losing it comes out, and this part of me is undeveloped and has not grown (because its been pushed down and avoided all these years) I start to smother the person. I become emotionally a desperate 3 year old girl that is afraid to lose love. I cling dearly to what I am most afraid of losing. And then, because I smother them, they leave! I push them away. And that is my self-fulfilling prophecy!

Now I also acknowledge that with true love, deep love, when a person really loves another, they don’t run away because the person they love have issues. And I am aware of that. But I am also aware that now is the best time for me to deal with these things, so that when I DO start to date again, I can do so in a more healthy way.

I don’t know if this even seems that ground-breaking to you. But to me, when I said the words, 'When I believe someone WILL love me, the scared hurt little girl comes out and begins to cling desperately' that realization, that reality is the biggest growth, the most monumental understanding of my relationships, of my role in the problems in my relationships that I have ever had.

But what is even MORE wonderful about this realization is the other realization that I can change this.

By accepting that part of me, the scared little girl, by allowing her to come to the surface, by allowing all her pain and hurt to integrate into my heart, into ME NOW, I can finally console her, I can allow that part of me to heal. And in healing I can let that part of me mature and grow. And simply being aware of this issue will allow me in the next relationship to be aware of the symptoms or the signs of this behavior. And that alone can make a world of difference.

You see all these years I have never understood why my relationships don’t work. I desperately want and need a relationship that is strong and allows independence and personal freedom. I live by these words. It is everything that is important to me. But this is my mature, adult understanding and need of what love should be. But the little me inside that sits by the window crying my heart out wondering why the most important person in my life left and never came back, is the part that smothers any love until it has to run away.

Now in this I am not taking ALL the blame for my failed relationships. Nor am I saying that had I known these things before, that those relationships would have worked. But just like the battered woman, once she realizes that she has this pattern, it will probably help her to see men differently and the men that feed into these fears/beliefs I had held will probably not be as attractive to me now and more as I grow.

For example, part of the need of that little girl is to be loved unconditionally. I need and want that as an adult too, but I think the child part of me wants it in an unrealistic way. So when someone like my ex floated into my life and filled my head with all these fantasy thoughts, the little girl inside me that needs to be loved jumped up and said YES someone that really loves me!! But now, I think that I am much more weary of that, and if I met a guy like him today I would probably see red lights flashing uncontrollably and run like hell in the opposite direction.

In the 3 years since that relationship ended, I think I have grown a lot. I think that I have gotten stronger than I ever was before.

What I haven't done is deal with this little girl. Deal with the monster that came flooding back into my consciousness so powerfully that it almost killed me. This is why I can not continue to live my life and keep pushing it down. I can't not pretend its resolved because I can logically say to myself, well it wasn’t my fault and I am ok with it now.

No, I have to actually DEAL with the emotions that I experienced, so that I can resolve them, so that I can learn to love without fear, so that I can learn to stop believing that everyone I love will leave me.

I have probably cried more in these past few days than in the past year (it feels). By taking on this *demon* I have drudged up so many things in my past. By trying to get back to age 3, I have had to dig through 21, 19, 18, 17 etc. If my soul is an ocean and birth is the bottom, the present being the surface, I have just dived all the way down and dug up something that I buried so deep it was several feet below the ocean floor. Pushed it so hard and far away from me that I tired to bury it to a place before I was even born. Now, there is all this sediment and muck that is floating freely in the water. You can't just pull a huge chest out of the ocean floor without disturbing everything around it.

But now, I am swimming, strugglingly to drag this heavy, chained, lock up chest of experiences and emotion to the surface and out into the open. Then I can open that chest up and really see what's in there. And I can DEAL WITH IT!! And maybe I can find real peace inside my heart truly. And maybe if and when I find someone to love again in the future, if things ever get really serious, I will know that it is ok to let myself be loved and the terrified little girl won't be there anymore.

Because hopefully she will come out of that chest and I will be able to pull her close to me and give her all the love that she never received, and THAT will allow her to stop being a her, and that part of me will grow up.

Now I realize that in all my strength I have to allow weakness in. I have to allow myself to feel vulnerable and know that it will not annihilate me. I have to BELIEVE that someone CAN love me, and not run away when they find out the 'truth' about me.

DEEP SIGH.

This is some good stuff. This is what life is all about.

Thanks for listening.

[FauxClaud]

Darwin..
I think you got it!!!
Amazing, so truthful and I think the nail on the head.
Thank you for taking the time to write it out and share.
I bet ALOT of other people will really learn from this thread.
You just did a great service to more than just yourself.
And heres a ((hug))) to share with you and your inner child!!
Claud

[devotedadoptee]

Yessssssssss!!!!!

Thank you for that! I could really feel the passion in your words. And I am absolutely thrilled with your self-discovery. Some never achieve that in thier life and you did it. For everyone it's a different journey but the bottom line is that we have to love ourselves and accept our own guilt, mistakes, failures, etc. When you fully connect with your inner-self (the little girl) you will become one with your soul.

Because hopefully she will come out of that chest and I will be able to pull her close to me and give her all the love that she never received, and THAT will allow her to stop being a her, and that part of me will grow up.

AMEN! I wish you the best and good luck on your quest!

Michelle

[Darwin]

Thank you for the wonderful comments. It's amazing how clear something that was so hidden seems now!! There is still so much work to do but I hope even just one other person can be helped by my words!!!

[jasonj]

"And this is my epiphany. When I am in a relationship with someone, I have a protective shield up. I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want them to leave me, I find fault in them easily and almost always cheat. But, when I truly let my guard down, and believe that the person will love me and will NOT leave me, the hurt little girl comes out. And then I become clingy. All my fears and abandonment issues and insecurities come to the surface, subconsciously. And then because the part of me that needs love but is so afraid of losing it comes out, and this part of me is undeveloped and has not grown (because its been pushed down and avoided all these years) I start to smother the person. I become emotionally a desperate 3 year old girl that is afraid to lose love. I cling dearly to what I am most afraid of losing. And then, because I smother them, they leave! I push them away. And that is my self-fulfilling prophecy!"

Replace little girl for little boy and you have me pegged!

Have been doing the same thing and it finally drove the person i am in love with away. Now I know what I am doing it is a process of dealing with it. I believe the main point is to come to some understanding of yourself and to centre yourself, this is how I am getting over it-and I know next time I will be able to stand alone while being together in a relationship.

Thanks
JJ

[Darwin]

It's so weird and wonderful to know that other people experience the same things as I do. It seems so amazingly clear to me know, my 'pattern' and yet it took me 31 years to realize it. Or maybe I can say it took 25 years since it took a few to start the problem!

I feel strongly that just knowing is going to make a world of difference the next time I start to really care for someone BUT I also realize that that alone will not be enough. I still have to work through and resolve the emotions that will inevitably come to the surface.

I think, if I am honest with myself, I can also add that other pattern I have tends to be getting involved with men that for some reason pose a challenge. Men that are emotionally 'unavailable'. I don't know if *getting them to love me despite all the odds* plays a part in it too, and then when they run I find myself stunned by it.

I also very recently fell in love with someone. I felt that we had an incredable connection and a truly wonderful relationship. I felt that with him I found something that I have never found before. BUT he DOES NOT want to be in a relationship and even though I thought I was being more independent, we lived together temporarily because it was necessary, and in that 2 month time frame he went nuts because of the intensity of the relationship. He also told me he couldn't maintain that level, something I have heard from another ex.

I know I need to bring the intensity down a few notches, but that is something I am unsure of how to do. I guess as I grow I will learn to do this naturally?

But right now I am dealing with the loss of a love that was truly magnificent to me, and trying to learn from this at the same time.

I also accept that whatever my flaws, when someone truly loves you, they don't run away without trying at all to work through things. THAT is what love is about and I need to realize that means the other persons love for me was not what mine was for him. Even with my issues, I think that accepting that and not just depairing over being abandoned is a healthier way of dealing with the loss.

[msibuc]

darwin -

really good self assessment. i can relate to some of it. thanks.

also (as i can't seem to post a new thread, but can post responses)...

i am an adoptee that can relate to what people have to say on this forum, though wonder how much of my own experiences is attributable to adoption, or to other factors. does anyone have info on the incidence of mental health issues among adoptees relative to the general population and what some of the thinking is re any correlations of being adopted with mental health issues? for example, i wonder what the relationship might be of adoption with obsessive compulsive personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, ADD...

any info on other web resources (forums, etc.) re the above, maybe especially that might have responses by health care professionals?

thanks!

[LuckyDog]

Hey Darwin,

Thanks so much for posting that. I can completely relate. I have had many of the same thoughts.

LuckyDog

[fabulousfreak]

Oh. My. God.

I just had an epiphany of my own, Darwin.

Sometimes it just takes looking at it from a different angle I guess. I have been trying to understand my relationship pattern for a long time. And that is it. That is absolutely me in every single possible way. It's honestly....I'm speechless. And hysterical crying. But it feels so good to finally get it.

Thank you.

[Sylvia Nettleto]

Originally Posted by Darwin

Okay, I am 31 years old. I have been engaged twice never married, the 1st time I backed out for good reasons, the second time he left me a week before the wedding and I was completely shocked.

That was 3 years ago. I have dated a few people since then, I feel strong and self confident. I feel like I am truly looking for a real lasting relationship. But it seems like everyone I date ends up leaving me. There was been 1 relationship during these past 3 years where I pretty much ended it, but it was somewhat mutual.

I used to believe for years that loving someone meant they would leave you. And I have tried really hard to overcome that fear and I thought that I had. But for some reason it seems like a vicious cycle I can not break. I meet these men and truly believe that they are sincere. They tell me that they are looking for a real and serious and deep love and once I fall in love and think things are going along fine, next thing I know I find myself alone again!

This last relationship still has my mind reeling. I believed that this man loved me deeply. We had an amazing time together and got along beautifully. He backed out so abruptly and without any real explanation except that monogomy drives him crazy. I feel like he just simply fell out of love with me after being 'crazy' in love. But this isn't the first time and I really am starting to wonder what the heck is wrong with me?

Am I so blind that I subconsciously pick these kind of men? How come it *looks* different each time but ends the same?

I dont understand and I am at a loss. I dont even search out and seek love. Most of the men I date are men that I end up involved with through common interests. I do not online date and I am probably excessively picky in the men I will even go out with.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

The story of my life. I am currently going through losing a man I love dearly. I am being very stubborn about the whole thing. I don't want to say good-bye to him. I don't want to miss him. There are too many people in my life I have to miss and I don't want to add him to the list. I know I won't be able to allow myself to be open to the chance of meeting someone and enjoying getting to know them only to evently have to miss them. I've decided: As long as I never say hello I will never have to say good-bye.

But then there is my biggest fear in life, that when I die I will be alone in my heart. It seems that I am somehow allowing what I don't want to become a reality. I don't know what to do.

[krielly]

I don't know if anyone here watches Dr. Phil, but he has this saying which I totally agree with: "What we fear, we create". How true is that???????

Is it also possible that in addition to clinging to people due to insecurities that you may also be constantly "testing" them as well? I have found myself doing that repeatedly over the years as I look back. I occassionally even catch myself pulling that on my husband now as well (although I am ashamed to admit it). It's like we create situations to see how they will react, and are seeking proof that they love us. Looking for constant reassurance. Over and over again.......I'm sure that could really wear on a person after a while......I know it has on my husband a few times. Lucky for me, we've been together 17 years, so we've learned to be pretty tolerant of eachother, but even so.......... Just something to think about, I guess......

[kerry lynn]

Is it also possible that in addition to clinging to people due to insecurities that you may also be constantly "testing" them as well? It's like we create situations to see how they will react, and are seeking proof that they love us. Looking for constant reassurance. Over and over again.......I'm sure that could really wear on a person after a while.........

I can agree with this, as I often feel like I put myself in a situation where the guy has the potential to "prove me wrong". But ---- why is it each one DOES, in fact, prove me Right?? I cannot imagine myself so intollerable that not a single guy who claims to "love" me, can actually do just that: love me. I have known hideous shrews who manipulate, dominate, and annihilate their mates, all the while these men keep begging for more. I am in a situation where I am able to start dating after a hideously dysfunctional and asexual marriage. I am petrified of History repeating itself... but already, I have found myself finding the men who want, desire, and fall madly in-love with me, and just as quickly and desperately, LEAVE. Suddenly. Without a fight, argument, of even a discussion!

Why is it so easy to Get, and impossible to Keep?