[jbinnebose]

I am an adopted person. I have always felt like I was on the other side of a glass wall looking in on the family I was brought into. I am not really sure how this has affected my personal, romantic relationships, but I am completely content with being alone. I don't do well with the long haul. I have however been able to commit to a life time of love and commitment with my daughter. I raised her her whole life and cannot imagine not having her in my life. I do believe that in some cases it is harder to over come the "blood is thicker than water" syndrome, but I think that as an adopted person it is my own fault for sabotoging intimate relationships. We are not different from our siblings that were biological to our parents. We are their children too and we have to accept that. We may not look like them, we may not have inherited certain traits, but we are apart of them. They have accepted us they moment they chose to take us home. The real question is have we accepted them and the family they have made us apart of? Think about it, who put the wall up, you or them?

[CarrieKG]

Well, of course, the adoptee put the wall up. Knowing that your blood isn't in your home can be alienating and can make one distant and longing for answers and a blood connection.

[angelesther]

Well, of course, the adoptee put the wall up. Knowing that your blood isn't in your home can be alienating and can make one distant and longing for answers and a blood connection.[/quote]
Sometimes the wall can be started by the afamily, and once felt by the adoptee is hammered into place. even the slightest hint of rejection can cause the adoptee to build it higher. the first sign of rejection often starts a chain of events that can rarely be stoped. rejection causes withdrawl causes rejection... and so on. one comment about not really belonging can cause a wall that can then be built higher by both sides. often that start is not even remembered but the damage is already done. because that wall is being built higher and higher by both sides it is often then seen by the adoptee as a permanat fixture that will afect all of their subsequent relationships. they transmit the wall that was built in one relationship, or relationships, on to other relationships, viewing everyone as rejecting them as they felt rejected in that relationship(s). and the cycle starts again.

[LuckyDog]

Wish I could help you out, but I'm going through the same thing myself. Any advice I gave you would be "the blind leading the blind."

Anyway, it's great that there is a forum for this. I have been thinking that no one else was going through this kind of thing and that I was some kind of freak.

'dog

[julie2005]

My boyfriend is adopted and I feel like he is constantly sabotaging our relationship or at least testing whether I will stay or leave. On one hand I understand but at the same time I have to have expectations and standards also. He is intimate one minute and the next he is distant and detached. Do you have any suggestion for me?

[angelesther]

romatic relationships with adoptees can be a struggle. it is VERY important that you reasure him that you are not going to leave. fear of being left alone, or the thought that that is what you deserve can cause an adoptee to kill their own relationships, useally starting with those closest to them. if he is sabotaging your relationship it could be that acceptance from you is what is truly desires. often the desire for something is accompanyed by the feeling that you do not deserve it and should not have it. though it could be a long process of continuely reasureing him that no matter what he does your feelings for him are not going to change the end result is very rewarding. if you view the relationship as too stressful it is up to you if you want to continue, the road of helping an adoptee accept love is a long one. if you do not feel that your feelings for him will not change regardless of his sabotageing, my advice to you would be to get out of the relationship before you hurt him again through another abandonment. if you are in it for the "long haul" however, i would say that the most improtant thing is to continue to express your love to him even [and often most importantly] when he is the most "unloveable" because that is when he needs it the most. now all of this is baised on my own feelings , so take it with a grain of salt, because i do not know all of the dinamics of the situation i may be all wrong, if so, please ignore all of the above but know that i will be praying for you and hoping all gos well.

In Christ, Angel

[plants]

im an adoptee and i feel like they put up the wall not me my birthmom and adoptive mom put up the wall i feel like they all treated me like i was second best i feel like they rejected me

[dmca]

plant honey,
Have you ever considered going to talk to a professional about this?
I would hate to think of you carrying this around with you all your life and having it affect your life in ways you would not like.
I can tell you from experience that it can do just that. I waited FAR TOO LONG in life to get some help to deal with rejection and how it coloured my life.
I hope you find a professional to talk you.
BIG BIG BIG hugs,
dmca

[NANASOOP]

who puts up the wall is really something to think about...in my own situation....i think because i found out so late in life (59)...that i am now building a wall against them for not telling me sooner...and i believe my siblings that i was raised with...are very resentful to me now...because "the secret" is out....they resent that...as a result..they wont even talk to me about it...and so i feel alienated from all of them...i am sure they must be shocked and angry and hurt...as i am...but i believe the best thing is to "talk" about it to one another...put our cards and feelings on the table...so to speak...and perhaps the wall wouldnt be able to go up...

[plants]

i loved my adoptive mother and my birthmother but i wasnt really feeling liked they loved me

[dmca]

One of the ways that I got over the "outsider" idea was to focus on me, as a young woman. What I WANTED, what I NEEDED, not from others but from myself. For once in my life, I put myself first and did things for me, not for others, not for approval.
From doing that I got a strong sense of myself and rather liked myself in time. Then, when I did like myself, I entered a relationship that lasted. Of course , in any relationship there are ups and downs, but how could another fulfill what I needed? Only I knew that, so I did it. Oh and while I mothered, wived, etc, I STILL did that on occassion. Going back to college, working part-time while I did it. Spent a few years doing what I WANTED to do and earning money doing it was a real bonus. lol.
Not that I don't focus on my husband, still , children ( all grown up) and grandchildren, but, I STILL leave room for myself.
So, am I an "outsider" now? Not on your nelly. In fact these experiences make me interesting somehow to my family and friends.
I suppose , in essence, I became my own friend to overcome the "outsider" feeling. After all, I'll always have me. lol
dmca

[Lynard1210]

From my readings and experience in reunion, i have cometo accept that abandonment and rejection come with the territory of adoption. Let's face it .. . in order to be an adoptee in the first place, our birth families rejected us . . .maybe out of love . .maybe not, but that is a fact that is hard to get past, especially when one is a child and not absorbing the whole, "your first mother loved you so much she gave you up" theory. For me, feeling rejected and abandoned is my first instinct when somebody is, what i feel, is pushing me away or even if they are moving in too close to my space. Either way - i feel cramped or alone. The solution for me has been (and I'm not claiming this is easy) is to move past those feelings . . acknowledge them for what they are . . . . baggage from adoption and/or negative relationships with family, which even non-adoptees have, and then act "as if" you can do this relationship. I had a therapist who told me once, rightfully so, that feelings follow behavior. So, if we choose the behaviors that show love to others - instead of fear - then eventually the feelings catch up.

Another piece that i have worked hard at is separating me, the baby with no control, from the people that made these decisions for me. I was not bad because somebody didn't want me. I was also not bad because my dad basically ignored me. It was never about me . . .. but I took it on myself, like a children do . .. until they know better.