[jbuis]

My girlfriend was adopted when she was 2 weeks old. She had a great upbringing. Her mom and her are VERY close.

To get to the point, we have been dating 14 months and in my mind are moving towards marriage. This weekend, she told me she needed some time to figure out if I was the right one. Everyone in her life and mine knows that we are great for eachother. Her mom encourages her to be with me, and up until now our relationship has been great. So, this weekend she blindsided me and tells me she needs some time. I haven't talked to her since. She has tried to preemptively reject me in the past, and I have stood strong and rejected her attempts.

This is so confusing for me because I can not relate. Can anyone who has been in this situation tell me how they felt or if you were on the other end how you acted?

[lifamilyhome]

Hi, Nice to read from such a gentle heart. I am an adoptive mom. My 21 years old daughter is very close to me. I understand what you are talking about, and I worry about her commitment issues.

My advice is:
1) Learn about the hurts caused by adoption
a good website to go is: Sherrie eldrige's www.adoption.jewels.org
2) a good book for her (and you) to read is The Art of Intimacy by Drs. Malone.
3) Your girlfriend is terrified. She needs time to process, trust, and process again. 14 months is not long. Don't rush her. Time builds trust, adoptee especially needs time.
4) Improve yourself. Be the best person you can be. If you are secure, she feels secure. Security is what adoptees desperately need.
5) Encourage her. Be a good listener (not a fixer). You cannot heal her wound. She has to find healing herself. Watch out for ANGER. It is natural, but don't take it personally.

The journey might not be easy, but if you think she is worth it, you will grow along with her too.

God bless you.

[kapickle]

Hi, I am an adoptee and I can relate to what your girlfriend is doing. I was just like her for a very, very long time. I wanted to be in a committed relationship but going all the way with it to marriage terrified me. The good news is, I am married now so I found a way to get past this. I had huge issues with trust - and still do really. I didn't trust the man who is now my husband for a very long time. I was constantly looking for signs that he was not to be trusted. When I found one, I almost walked away from the relationship. What saved it is that I was in therapy at the time and my therapist made me realize that I had not given my then-boyfriend a chance to explain himself, nor had I given the two of us a chance to work through the issue and possibly come out successful on the other side. I was too willing to run, not willing to tough it out and work through it. Amazingly, I confronted my boyfriend, we spent the next several months working through our issues, and now here we are four years later, so very happily married. I now trust him more than anyone else in the world because I have learned that he truly loves me unconditionally and that he is never going to leave me.

Don't be afraid to confront your girlfriend on her issues of trust and commitment, but always make sure she knows that nothing she's doing is turning you away from her. Make sure she knows you're in it for the long haul. She may need some counseling to overcome these issues. It is very, very hard to see the world differently after you're used to seeing it one way for so long.

You sound like a wonderful person and I can tell you truly love her. I hope this works out for you both.