[miniblonde]

I'm a sixteen-year old adoptee who was adopted at 9 days old. My whole life I've been kind of "off" when it came to interacting with other kids. By junior high i'd learned to act comfortable around my peers but to this day, I feel like everyone is pointing and laughing at me. It's not as if I were awkaward looking either. I've done magazine modelling, so one would assume that I would feel comfortable being stared at. But I'm not. I'm attracted to attractive guys at school, and I'm very well liked by others , but I usually can't bring myself to do so much as hug a male freind. I've kissed boys before, but It's never felt like it's meant anything to me. Essentially, I've been living like a cloistered nun, avoiding social events at which I might feel awkward, and obcessing over every detail of my appearance when my freinds force me to go. Although there are no moral or religious reasons, or boundaries set by my parents that would prevent me from getting physically closer with a guy that I am attracted to, I seem to end up doing weird things to drive people away, even though I really want to do things right, and give affection to someone else. People think its very biazzre that I can survive this way, even though I am very popular as a friend and acquaintance at school. I think I'm a fun, interesting, and attractive girl, but I keep sabotaging myself!!! I did meet a guy recently who is very unique and understanding, but he got back to his old girlfreind, and told me he wanted to be freinds. I was devastated , but found that I couldn't even cry about it. I tried to go out with another guy, who is nearly as nice, just to compensate for the terrible feeling I had, but even being close to this second guy makes me nauseous. I can't explain why I hate being touched at all by people I don't trust, even if there's nothing logical that would bring me to that reaction. I feel like I've been dead from the outside in for sixteen years. I haven't cried since I was seven, even when in extreme pain. I don't know if there's a standard for crying.,but even to me it seems unhealthy. I tried therapy, and it did nothing for me, because the threapist never even mentioned that this kind of behavior corresponds with my adopted status. For me, the past few years have been very disheartening. Is there anyone who has overcome these patterns on their own accord? Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I might do?

[lottidawe]

I would suggest researching something called "The Primal Wound". It is controvercial however still considered by most to be worth at least a discussion. Then there is of course the ever-complicated psychological implications of "being loved so much you were given away". I'd begin with those. You may find some answers; or at least some more questions. I am 30 and can relate to your struggles. All the best to you.

Lottidawe

[lewellen]

miniblonde,

I can understand what you are saying. I too was adopted at birth. I also did some modeling in my younger days. I then worked for a booking agency. The truth of the matter is some people are staring at you. That is why you work. As you have probably noticed, it's not necessarily the most beautiful people who get a lot of modeling jobs, it's the ones that have something that make others want to look at them. It's an intangible thing.

It is uncomfortable to be stared at. I'm guessing that you are tall, slender and blonde? You are going to be the first thing lots of people notice. They will also assume all kinds of things about you, good or bad, true or not. This can make it hard to deal with people on a personal basis. Many girls have the same problems you do. What I'm saying is, it's probably not all your fault. This is something that isn't mentioned alot in polite conversation, but as you go through life, you will find your looks have much to do with the way you are treated. This has advantages and disadvantages.

How the adoption issue works into this, I don't know. Have you tried only one therapist? There is a saying that therapists and therapy are like shoes, you have to find one that fits. If there is an adoptee support group in your area, you might try to contact them for a recomendation to a therapist that has some experience with adoptees. I'd say that it's just a matter of becoming comfortable in your own skin. Sixteen is very hard. It will get easier.

LewEllen

[EmeraldEyes]

Hey Girl,

I read your post and was astonished at how much we have in common. I'm 23 and have been living life just the way you have since I was very young.

I've never before considered the fact that my adoption may have something to do with it. I don't (or can't) cry; I feel like people are constantly staring at me, and I'm always sabotaging my personal relationships.

All I can tell you is this: there are friends out there that will be able to comfort you. Even if they don't completely understand, an open ear and an open heart are almost as helpful. And, don't be afraid to try different therapists...people rarely find the right one the first try. There's nothing wrong with searching around...even the therapists will understand. They only want what's best for you and what makes you the most comfortable.

Best of Luck,
EmeraldEyes

[bridges]

A good friend insisted that I go to a therapist. The one and only time I went, he insisted that what I needed was a good friend(s). I chose the friend route. Yes, you do have to make an investment to have a friend(s), more time than money. I believe the rewards are great.

Carolyn Kay

[court24]

I feelin ya girl. I think alot of us do. I went to a therapist for like a year before I finally shed some tears.....the bad part is that I was only 10. I don't know if it would be as effective now????

I know for me there just came a time when the looks from people didn't bother me as much. I still won't wear a bathing suit in public or little short shorts or skirts. I guess it makes me feel that I'm drawing extra attention to myself. I still don't like to be touched really - with the exception of my fiancee(sometimes that bothers me too) To me sex is just sex and it don't mean nothing!! (maybe I shouldn't have said that) It's true though- emotional attachment just isn't my strong suit...... But what cha gonna do??

I think eventually it just puts a bad taste in your mouth and you just learn to cover it up better. I just hide how I really feel cause it seems to keep everyone else happy.

IF THEY LIKE IT - I LOVE IT!!!!

Later,
Courtney

[Iyoba]

For all it's worth, I'm neither an adoptee nor adoptive parent; however, I've been in your shoes as well. The only difference is that the reason behind my behavior is due to having being molested when I was younger.

I've never been comfortable having people, male or female, touch me. As I get older, it seems I loosen up a little more.

I still hate people looking at me for any amount of time. I seldom look people in the eye, because I feel they're lying to me. There are very people I trust, due to the hurt and pain I have endured in my lifetime.

I became a Christian about 2 years ago, and since then I've gotten engaged, which I thought would never happen...at least not for a while. (I just never let anyone get close enough to me or my heart to even want to understand me.) I had to tear down the walls of distrust, which I still have partially up.

It's tough and takes a while, but I feel you girl. You're not alone.

[dragonbaby]

When I read your message and the replies of others I was shocked. I've been through a lot of these same issues with no clue about the reason why I was like that. I am nineteen. I have been through many relationships, never felt loved or accepted, always felt like people were staring at me, laughing at me, talking about me behind my back. I have a very low opinion of myself and have taken the opposite extreme you have. I have a two year old son and I placed my daughter up for adoption a month ago. This has been one of the most difficult times of my life and going through this with Kayli (my daughter) has caused me to start to wonder and search for my biological family. I'm not sure that I can offer you comfort other than to let you know that you are not alone. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email me. Dragonbaby8602@hotmail.com I hope that you find an answer.

[bridges]

Not to get away from the thought of this thread, I just want to encourage Dragonbaby. Most of us has only one of these issues. At her young age (I have a daughter her age), she has faced adoption as an adoptee, being a teen mother and being a birth mom (as distinguished from a teen mom).

Dragonbaby, I applaude you that you've still got it together enough to even post.

Remember, we're here for you.

God bless you,

Carolyn Kay

[court24]

I'm feeling ya. I've had some pretty grusome things happen to me in my life time. I really don't talk about it much - most people don't know - others have read me like a book.... I can't just blame one thing for the way that I am cause there are many factors involved

Ya know we can only do what we can do....... We can't control other people........ And we are the only ones who can fix ourselves (assuming we even need fixing) I've been trying to pick up the peices for as long as I can remember. I have so many dark secrets. I hate it!!!!! It does seem to me that as I get older it's a little more easy to put stuff into perspective. I got saved 3/28/04. Your right that has helped alot with just letting alot of stuff go....... Some days it's absolute freedom..... Other days it all gets the best of me all over again.

Later,
Courtney

[Iyoba]

Thanks, Courtney. I guess you kinda see where I'm coming from then, huh?

It all doesn't all become a bed of roses; in fact, certain issues seem more aggravated. The funny thing is that when you accept Love and let it embrace you, it becomes a lot easier, especially knowing you're not alone.

[dragonbaby]

Thank you for your encouragement.

I am also a Christian and have been raised such although I'm just now really realizing what my relationship with God means to me. He's probably been the only thing that's kept me alive all my life.

I also am engaged to a wonderful man that has helped me deal with all of the frustration, pain, and grief. He doesn't always understand and doesn't pretend to, but he's always there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to make me laugh. It's amazing the gifts God sends us...sometimes they come from the strangest places or at the most unexpected times, but they're always good.

[Iyoba]

Ladies,

Be encouraged. Life is difficult on its own; however, at times, we tend to make it more difficult that it actually is. I've found myself, and had to catch myself on several occasions, throwing pity parties.

I've come to realize and accept that my past has nothing against me. With each new day, I have the ability to CHOSE who I'm becoming and what I ponder upon.

Trust me, it's not easy all the time, but I've been depressed to the point of contemplating suicide, but if not for Love, I don't know where I'd be today.

You are each special women with a lot of hidden talents and abilities that could change the world as we know it. Explore the beauty within you.

I was once told that depression is an over-concentrated pondering on one's self, and although I was upset when told, I now see how true it is. There's so much beauty in this world to be embraced.

Is there evil? Yes, but why concentrate on that?

YOU are special, beautiful, and there's NO ONE else in this world that could take your place. Remember that...

[bridges]

Friends,

Again, not to change the thread, I'd like to get another kind of feed back. Considering all you have said about our feelings as adoptees, would you adopt.

For the record, I know I would. I have so appreciated my a parents for the love they gave me that I wanted to do likewise. We did not adopt for other reasons and are probably beyond the age that one would want to now. But if I were asked, I'd say adoption is wonderful.

Can you adopt grandkids? ! LOL

ttfn

[court24]

I would totally adopt!!!! I do appreciate my aparents for raising me the best they could (I was a handful). I think I lived an abnormal life - of course I'm the oldest and I kinda felt like I was a big dissapointment to my amom...... I was a total tomboy - not lady like at all. So she was hard on me. Like I said I was bad, always fighting and doing stupid stuff for no apparent reason, so I think everyone has differnt temperments. My little bother ,also adopted, is an angel. He just turned 18 and has been called to be a preacher - boy is he good!!!! Now we were raised by the same people but are completly different.

I have detoured off the original point haven't I????? Sorry I'm totally babbling..... My point is that..... who knows.....lol!! I'm doing too much at once sorry.

I would totally adopt. I love kids!! All kids, even the bad ones. I love em!! I'm pregnant now and if for some reason me and my fiancee can't have anymore, I would totally adopt. I would actually like to adopt a foster child. I think that would be awesome.....

Ok I gotta go back to work....

Later,
Courtney