[Introvrtd]

I am a 29 year old female who was adopted at 4 days old. I have felt anger, sadness and disappointment and I have learned a sense of mistrust. I have tried to face this as best I could, but there are too many unanswered questions. I've read virtually every book out there on adoption. Research seems limited to my specific questions so I have decided to channel all my emotions to finding the answers by researching on my own. And that is what brought me to this forum to learn if I am truly alone and if connections and patterns exist in others as it does me.

I will give you a brief summary of my adoption story. I didn't have a great childhood although it could have been worse. My adoptive parents had a biological child after they adopted me. Growing up looking different and just having a different personality from my adoptive parents was difficult. I felt like no one in my family could relate to me. I always had questions about my birth family and my adoptive parents never had answers. But the truth is they did have the answers and lied to me about it. My adoption was very private (my birth mother is a friend of a 3rd cousin). My birth mother’s mother basically wanted to know about me and she was given updates by the cousin yet I was told nothing. To make matters worse when I did finally meet my birth mother she wanted nothing to do with me. So feelings of worthlessness, pain, fear of abandonment become tattooed on my soul.

This has affected my ability to trust friends, boyfriends, anyone. Let me explain further. If I meet someone I like, I begin to sabotage the relationship pushing myself away because I already have it in my head that they’re going to leave, so I unconsciously try to speed up the process (years of therapy has given me insight on this one). Additionally, the other type of guy I date is the one that I know I can never have a future, because it’s safer to be with someone who I know I can’t stay with so it’s ok if he leaves (these relationships have never been abusive....these guys were just too different from me; we just had different goals and different life aspirations). So I have never been in a relationship where the other person didn’t leave me. But when they do leave the pain is so great it's like reliving the rejection from my mother. I know it has a lot to do with my fear of being abandoned, but I am wondering if I had a more positive upbringing and a more positive adoption experience, if I would be more willing to trust someone; to be more willing to love and to allow someone to love me.

So my question to anyone who reads my post, do you feel similar or share similar experiences when it comes to relationships, and if so did you also have a negative childhood, adoption experience, etc.? I am really interested in knowing if a solid connection between the two exists, if I am alone in my feeling scared and maybe knowing can keep my hope alive to someday have the ability to feel safe with someone.

[bentleys]

you are definately not alone. I personally feel as if I am having an attack of some sort when I get to close to a person, as if I am being bound up and can't breath. I myself think that it is easier to run from a problem them have to face it head on which eventually we do...Insight on this, well mine anyway. I believe it was from my up bringing I had a horrible amother, she was very abusive in all ways, the sad thing was after she'd beat the day lights out of me then later she would come back & comfort me and tell me that it was all for my own good, it was the only way that I would learn to do what I was sapose to . Needless to say I hate being touched to me it is a form of betrail weird I know but I fear I will get a false sense of what real love is..Needless to say @ the age 29 I myself have had 2 bad marriages and am stuck in a relationship that I am how do you say comfortable w/, your probably saying huh? Well he never really touches me, compliments are rare and few and making love is even less then that, but @ least I know I don't have to worry about my heart falling apart...I haven't met my Bmom yet but I have that horrible fear of rejection just lingering, so of course I use whatever excuse I can to put the search aside for now...Does any of this help you? Do you need more questions answered please let me know......SB

[Introvrtd]

Thank you for your reply. I am sorry your adoptive mother didn’t give you the love you deserved. I certainly understand how you feel. It appears neither one of us received unconditional love from our adoptive mothers. That is one of the reasons I decided to search for my birth mother. So she can fill that void for me. Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I understand your hesitation to start your search. It’s a gamble b/c there’s no guarantee she’ll want to be found. I long to have a family of my own to be with a man who will love me and never leave me but I don’t see that in my future anymore. Want to hear something ironic? Some synonyms for adoption are take on, accept, assume, approve, take up, agree to, espouse, implement, embrace, and an antonym: reject. How is that the opposite of adopt is reject yet to be adopted is to feel rejection? Talk about irony.

[bentleys]

I guess my fear is totally of being rejucted, but then on the other hand I have come to realize that the voids we have in ourselves can not be healed by others only by us. We could have never existed and never experienced all that we have now. I have 2 girls, one who lives w/ her father that I only see on my visitation time and the other I never see she was taken by her grandmother (dads mom) and communication is not possible because that is what the grandmother requested, the sad part about all of it is they will probably both go through the same feelings I did when I found out I was adopted. Those abondon ment issues are hard to swallow and stuffing it all away seems so much easier. But instead of crying over all my life has become I stuffed it all away. I perfer to not deal w/ my childhood issues and as an adult I see it as a past life, I am quick to the punch when it come to getting mad though, another personal problem. I know there are people out there that truly love their akids, but we were this misfortunate ones to get the women that slipped through the cracks. I hear wonderful stories and I hear horror stories. I was told my bmom was very young and her family let her make a choice between putting me up or aborting me, I guess I can be glad for that @ least. We will always have that fear of not being loved or being left, but I have learned that even having that fear you loose more in the end IE my girls. I can only hope that you are able to open up somewhat and allow @ least some love in your life. Sick to say maybe but I am content enough w/ my comfortable life, I am never alone and know he will never leave...I wish you the best.....Shannon

[lost1]

I just registered with the Adoption Forum. I too have never felt connected to my adopted family. I was adopted when I was 5 days old. My adoptive parents were in their 30's when I was adopted so I was raised in a completely different way then most children who would have had younger parents. I don't remember the majority of my childhood, I am not sure why, but I don't and that bothers me a lot. I do know that I always felt like I had to prove that I was worthy of living in this home with these people. I was so terrified that if I didn't do what I was supposed to that 'these' people would send me back--I mean, my own mother didn't want to keep me! Why should they?
I also have done the same thing in my relationships with men--I have them, but not really, always choosing someone that I know will eventually leave and/or sabotaging the relationship so I know that they had a reason to leave, not just leave me because of me. I am going to be 39 years old in less than a month and have never even been married. I was in a relationship with someone for 12 years, but it was never a good relationship, I always seem to pick the men who can never be faithful, they always have to have someone else on the side. I finally got fed up and left him--I do have 5 children, 4 girls and 1 boy, and I didn't want them to grow up thinking that this was how a relationship was supposed to be. And then I met this man, he came into my life out of nowhere and for the first time in my life I let somebody in, into my heart, into my mind and into my soul. I should have known better, even knowing all of my deepest secrets and fears he completely violated all of my trust. I did everything that I thought that I was supposed to do and it still wasn't enough and I feel so messed up inside. How am I ever supposed to feel worthy enough for anyone when giving my best wasn't even good enough?
I should let you know that I have been searching for more than 15 years now, my adoptive parents are not supportive at all, they feel betrayed that I would want to find someone who didn't even want me after 'all that they've done'. I too feel as though my B-mom is hiding from me and that is making me feel messed up inside too, it's like someone's watching everything I do and making sure I can't find any information.
So, amongst this screwed up entry, unconditional love for me? What is that???

[feelinglost]

hi lost 1,

I too am adopted, I didn't find out untill recently though, and sometime when I'm reading posts, or I have time on my hands, I realize that I did what you are speaking of. I pushed people away, fear of rejection, insecurity, I'm not sure. But what I do know is that when I was doing these things, I didn't know I was adopted. Now I was 4 when everything was finalized, so maybe deep down something knew, something was tripped to be careful if I loved someone, they might leave. I don't know. But I know that I've been married for 18 years, been together for 20. I don't know how he did it, but I would push and he would hold on tighter. So I know it can be done. You are not alone in the way you feel. My parents where older too, so I understand the generation gap thing also. (I'm 41 my amom is 77). I think we need to be secure with ourselfs, and know what we deserve and want for it to happen, but then again "bad things happen to good people for no reason at all". I am sorry that your experiences have been so painful...I remember the hurt. Give someone your heart and soul and they stomp on it. Not that it's any easier, but remeber in the 60's, Birthmoms were told to forget, never to have contact, make believe it never happened. So Bmom's were force not to be involved. Bmom's, IMO, give up so much, I believe, doing what they felt was right for the child, I know I couldn't do it. It seems to me to be a very unselfish act. You have a big family, I only have 2 boys. This is a good thing right???? How old are they??? You know, maybe your adoptive parents are afraid?! I know when my amom finally told me, her first question was "Do you still love me?" Like these words could earse 40 years. Well I just wanted you to know your not alone. Sometimes it what we need to take a step forward. How are you doing??? Let us know...Robin

[17n0n72]

hi, i'm new here also and I've guess i've had similar experiences.

i've come to realize that every time a woman i'm attracted to starts a conversation with me i'm already wondering why and how were going to break up and how i'm going to deal with it this time. the first girl i had a crush on moved away without telling me (we were only in the 7th grade so i don't can't really blame her). the second girl i met at bible camp and it turned out that she was dating a guy that i couldn't stand and then later on ended up dateing my young brother who is also adopted. i believe i'm better looking than him, but he has always been the extroverted jock, while i'm more introverted.

the final straw happened last year. i thought i had finally met my "perfect" girl at work. she was adopted, smart, funny, talented, ect. it was the best friendship i ever had with a woman and i thought that once she broke up with her current boyfriend we could start dateing. it didn't happen, even though i think she gave me numerous hints (dead flowers her boyfriend gave her still on her desk) i didn't take the chance. after she broke up with her boyfriend she met another guy, got pregnant after knowing him only 2 months and got married. i used to have great respect for single women who got pregnant and didn't get an abortion, but now i think their all sl*ts.

i'm in my early 30's now and i'm scared of talking to women because 1) they'll just leave me for someone else, 2) they'll decide i'm to old for them 3) they don't wan't to date a virgin still in this 30s!.

i realize i've gone on kinda long here..i'm guess i'm hopeing for some advice and maybe some help.

[lost1]

Hi feeling lost,

I really appreciate your reply. I really can't imagine just recently finding out that you were adopted. How did that happen? That is one thing that I have always known. Isn't it strange that the same things happened to you and you didn't even know why? Maybe it's an instinct that some scientists have yet to discover, or maybe it really is about that instant bonding with a mother that we have never had birth that automatically sets this up. In answer to your question, my kids are 18, 16, 13, 11, and 7. My 18 year old is going to have a baby in June.
I'm glad that your husband is supportive of you and continues to hold on. I think it really takes someone special to deal with some of the issues that we apparently have. So, have you started a search for your biological family? Good luck if you have. Sometimes I become obsessed with it and just have to stop so I can catch up with the rest of my life. I need to find them, I do know from non-id info. that I have 7 brothers and sisters. I would love to be able to look at someone and see the same eyes, or hair, or something. I suppose in your situation that you have alot of new feelings about all of these things. I do know that this site is great and somewhat scary for me all at the same time, I mean, I feel like I could have contributed to just about any entry on here! Sometimes I thought I really was crazy but now that I see that I am not alone, it's going to take some getting used to, because now that I see that, what can we all do to help each other get through and understand all of these things that we are dealing with? I completely agree with you when you say that we have to be content with ourselves, and to a certain degree I think that is possible, however, if something that happened to us such a long time ago has had such an impact on every aspect of our lives, how are we supposed to be able to fix what we don't even understand? I'd really be able to talk to someone about these things, you can e-mail me if you like, I think we have a unique situation just in the fact that are A-parents are in their 70's. My e-mail is mar21an@yahoo.com. Thanks again.

[feelinglost]

Hi Lost1,

I never was told I was adopted, I think there were some cue's, especially as I grew older, just the way my aparents did things. I was 4 when I was adopted. I have no memories of this or my B-mom. My adoption was private, just through an lawyers office and that was that. Because I was older when adopted, I'm not sure about the impact....Ok so I didn't know...yet I have had alot of the same things happen to me, that happen to some adoptees...so, is it because somewhere I knew my Bmom gave me up, or is it just life???? Hard to say. My Adad has been gone for 10 years now, I wish I had know sooner so I could have talked to him about this, let his know it was OK...they rasied a pretty good kid, (IMO, HA, HA) but I had a huge problem when I was told, sometimes I used to think, what esle haven't you told me???? Yeah wouldn't I love to know where my greeneyes came from, or where my 13 year olds height is coming from, he's almost 6'. ( I have two boys, 13 and 15.) I wonder about this alot. So your gonna be a grandma!!!!! (its a good thing right?) You have seven brothers and sisters !!! How wonderful!! Are you going to try and contact them???? This forum is wonderful, Has helped me a awful lot. There are a lot of very wonderful and insightful people on the forum, I do know what you mean about relating to alot of the posts. Alot of the time I just "lurk" and read. I guess through the forum and my husbands help, I'm starting to understand I can not change the past, all I can do is learn from it, and make my life the best it can be. Not always easy!!! I would enjoy e-mailing and have someone to talk to on a regular basis with some common bonds. Well I'm off to work, talk to you soon, Robin

[Princess58]

I was adopted at about 3-5 days old. I had a perfectly great life, with Wonderful parents! Nothing terrible happened to me growing up at all. The only traumatic event was moving 1800 miles away from where I grew up when I was 13. Thats when I started to lose trust in my friends and family. I'm 20 now and its really taking a toll on me. My best friend in the whole world from when I was 5 just stopped talking to me, no reason no fight. She moved and got new email address and phone numbers and never even told me. Many of my high school friends have lost touch with me too for the same reasons. I no longer trust that anyone I am friends with today will be friends with me tomrorow. In fact I try to push my closest friends away first so they cant hurt me. I try to find things wrong with them so that i can have areason to hate them. I am having some serious issues with friends and it completely affects my romantic relationships. MY current boyfriend thinks I'm nuts and need therapy because of all my friend issues. Coincidentally, he is NOT my best friend, unlike most of my other relationships. I'm not sure if it is better or worse. I think it may be better though because when we break up, and i already have set in my mind that we will, at least I wont be losing my best friend too, as I have in the past.
I came into contact with my B-father and his side of the family when I was 18. My B-mother did not want to have anything to do with me, we both tried to contact her many times. That just adds to my frustration.
Just wanted to share my point of view. I have similar issues, but had a perfectly normal childhood with nothing that would have caused me to be this way except the fact that I was adopted.

[sunnie23]

Hello Everyone...

I was adopted at age five by my father. I've always lived with my biological mother, who felt the healthiest thing for me was to always be honest about where I come from. I was constantly reminded that I was adopted, that when my dad adopted me she had to as well, (for legal reasons),and that my biological father left us because he wanted nothing to do with us.

Now, at age 24, I wish she would have kept it a secret. Every relationship I've ever had I have a breaking point. Usually around a year...I start analyzing everything and feeling like I'm being shorthanded by my boyfriend.

As a result, i have lost several great people in my life.

There is definately a correlation. I searched and reunited with my biological father two years ago in an effort to clean this part of my life up. It didn't work. I've now been single for almost a year-this has been the lonliest time of my life.

I hate to say this, but most of the time i feel like a f@%!ed up lost case.

[RiverGal]

i used to have great respect for single women who got pregnant and didn't get an abortion, but now i think their all sl*ts

This forum is full of women who got pregnant out of wedlock. With an attitude like yours, you aren't going to make too many friends around here.

Your choice of words needs some refining. This statement is rude and offensive. It may be reasons other than the fact you were adopted that makes it difficult for you to find a lasting relationship.

~Missng

[dl]

Absolutely agree that the remark you quoted was rude and offensive. There was a quote in the Daily Inspiration that I subscribe to that reminded me of this thread:

When a man is wrapped up in himself he makes a pretty small package. John Ruskin

As PEOPLE, we go through difficult times. I don't believe difficult times are reserved only for adoptees or that any/all difficulties that an adoptee encounters can be blamed on adoption. Personally, I think self-examination is in order if one is repeating a behavior that is bringing them pain or resulting in unsatifactory relationships. If we continually have problems with friends, co-workers, afamily, bfamily, in-laws etc., we need to look within ourselves.

I read an article this weekend about a book that might help with self-examination:

When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction by Anne Katherine
For sale on Amazon.com: new for $10.36 and used for $8.02.

Being miserable can become addictive It's rare to find a person who doesn't want happiness. And yet, we may be unaware that we're maintaining patterns in life that keep us miserable.

In her book, "When Misery is Company," (Hazelden), psychotherapist Anne Katherine suggests that misery can be an addiction. But it's different from an addiction to alcohol, drugs or food because in misery addiction, "the manner of living" is the problem, according to Katherine.

Misery addicts are addicted to a system of living - including behaviors, thoughts, attitudes, actions and lack of them - that enables them to survive from day to day.

This crutch can include self-sabotage. We find the negative in a positive situation. We are indecisive or ambivalent. We feel incompetent or unworthy. We refuse to deal with our own behaviors from the past. We always have an excuse. And when others try to help us, we alienate them. We might be attracted to unavailable people.

These patterns sometimes are rooted in childhood experiences, when parents or caregivers acted in ways that left a profound imprint on us. A mom or dad may have withheld love or affection, abandoned a family, inflicted verbal and physical abuse, or failed to protect us. Sometimes, a loving parent may have died.

Sometimes these patterns are a result of poor choices we made when a young adult. Again, we always have an excuse. It wasn't really the result of our own choice, someone else "forced us". We blame our parents and alienate them ~ and then continue our self-destructive pattern by blaming them for the alienation.

It's crucial to understand these beginnings to deal with and overcome misery addiction.

Katherine suggests borrowing principles from the 12-step program and applying them to misery addiction. This can include being part of a recovery community and abstaining from the habits, behaviors, thoughts and actions that keep you trapped in the box.

Some personal questions to ponder to start to recover:

If something feels scary - a friend's reaction or a new task - what do I do?

In what ways do I protect myself from feeling afraid?

What do I do to keep from feeling uncomfortable?

How do I handle tough personal situations?

Were one or both of my parents or parental figures in my life mean, abusive, critical or harsh toward me?

What did I do to cope?

Am I being absolutely honest by accepting responsibility for my own choices that led to unpleasant consequences? Or, do I find an excuse by blaming others for the results of my own behavior?

Do I hide my feelings of inadequacy by fabricating my own importance in certain situations such as my job or my role in a group?

What are 10 experiences that I would like to have in my life?

What steps am I pursuing to have these experiences?

What slows me down or stops me from having these experiences?

If I could get help, would it be possible to have these experiences?

What steps can I take to get that help?

[shoreskj]

I am 21 years old and I was adopted as well, and although had a wonderful childhood, am very close with both my parents, I have issues when it comes to trusting people. I do the same exact thing that you do, which is something that I have just realized recently. For me it's mostly a problem with romantic relationships. Every boyfriend I've had I've pushed away. I hurt them before they can hurt me. It's self-destructive. I know how hard it can be. I've actually recently decided to go into therepy because I want to be able to trust that someone won't leave me. It's so weird because it's definitly a subconsious thing. It's like always in the back of my mind. I'll all of a sudden get this feeling in my heart, my chest suddenly feels so constricted and this huge fear wells up inside me. Since I can recognize it now I basically try to take deep breaths and assure myself that I don't have anything to fear. I think what I call assuring myself is just going into denial about it. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I am absolutely convinced that the feelings of abandonment are related to being adopted. But I do think there is hope, and I think that we can overcome those feelings and realize that we are loved and can be loved.

[jasonj]

I too have similar experiences, I used to push people away mainly girlfriends so they could leave me and I would know that they would go so I would have the control.

I did the opposite in my (current) relationship which is on the rocks. I gave too much, somewhere believing that this would mean she would love me even more and could not leave. I smoothered her and in the process smoothered myself and tried to be who I thought she wanted me to be.

No she sees that we have value differences and how can we have a future together if we are so different. I want to shout that I was only trying to give you what I thought you wanted.

I had never fully found myself and have embarked into thearpy to try and have already come to some stark conclusions(been in 6 weeks) about myself the way I have reacted all my life to people has been clouded by my fears of lose, abondonment and rejection.

Now the irony of it is trying to give all I have was another form of hiding myself because I was giving her what I thought she wanted.

We moved out of or apartment last week me incredably hurt and her crying also. She says she has been unhappy for a while, I guess I was but am so used to that feeling it was normal. We are going to see a relationship councillor tomorrow, who knows what will happen. I am going to try and explain my position and try and get her to understand where I am coming from, I fear she is going to see how we can structure a break. Se says she loves me and I am her best friend,and she needs time apart-to me that is "she is gone", but she says it is not dead, - and I believe her.

Can that be enough to get through our value differences?

Anyway you are not alone- I am in europe and have the same feelings and reactions. Adoption is a strange master and crule mistress.

JJ