[pathfind]

I have had many realationships in my 31 years and im tired of feeling that i may be abondon/left..I didnt know that until recently..I would like to get help with this and understand why and what i can do to better myself..I've been in therapy for 2 years and its been amazing but, i dont think that my therapsit understands adoption..I would like to find a support group in the Denver, Co. area..I think that there is so much to live for and i want to understand this part of my life that i've ignored for so log...It should have been the first thing i focused on..Now i know...

[SoulWhisper]

Pathfind,

I don't think this is just a symptom of being adopted, I know a few people with this fear and issue that were not adopted.

Abandonment issues do seem to arise from adoption but I think they have to be reinforced in some way by our adoptive families in order to create life long intimacy problems.

I think you brought up an excellent topic and it will be interesting to see the responses you get.


Love

[solonely1974]

I can understand where you are coming from. Just recently I have noticed my pattern in relationships. I am married now with kids but the pattern is still there. In my relationships I would have someone on the side.. so when I was left I wasn't "really" left because I had someone new. I'm doing the same in my marriage, just making sure someone is there if my marriage fails. (I'm not doing anything sexual just talking, making sure and seeing if they had hooked up with anyone yet).
I have been to therapy and like you don't feel like they understand. I thought I had it figured out... afraid of commitment, which in some case it is, but the therapist kept telling me it was the person I was dating at the time. That I just didn't want to be with him and that was definitely not the case.
I still don't know what to do. My husband knows my problem and has been very supportive (but he does get frustrated- but I don't blame him). I am a very jealous person. Sometimes I wonder why he is still here, but then again I'm glad he hasn't left (but it has only been 3 1/2 years since we've been together).
But if you ever need to talk to someone I'd be happy to talk. I always wanted to have someone in my life to talk to that really understood how I felt, where I was coming from.

email me if you would like to talk...
matfield010601@aol.com

good luck.

[susan berman]

Just a note, you are NOT alone- find a therapist who understands you and where you are at...mine is actually the adoptive mom of two girls from Russia- she is excellent, and encourages me to search for closure- good luck to you- Sue

[Unidentified]

Hi
New to the forum but adding a lot of postings
I would love to find closure
what does your therapist suggest you do?

I'm sad and tired of being sad
I think I have rejection issues actually
(Just learned my job isn't workiing out and they're giving me 2 mos to look but all I seem able to do is focus on my sadness)

Relationships have been hard for me too
The passionate romantic relationships I was so anxious and jealous in the end I couldn't handle my feelings it was like a bad trip

At the same time I had relationships that weren't so physical with older men that made me feel safe and secure
Always the two relationships

Then I met my husband
I am very comfortable with him and I love him
but I am afraid of intimacy (passion really)
I know I push him away because I feel anxious what if things started to go wrong? We've been together 7 years
How do I learn to trust myself?

[susan berman]

Hi,
Sorry you are so sad!! We (my therapist) talk alot about my feelings on being adopted, and relate them to current situations/relationship issues....she really feels like I should search for my birthmom, just for closure and medical history stuff- I don't want an Oprah reunion but I am very curious about her- I just feel like she probably isn't searching, so why bother her? And I feel like I will never find her. I have always been worried about "disappointing" my adoptive parents- like they chose me, so I don't want to let them down or make them regret their decision....I wish I could just live my life and be happy without this worry- I am in a long-term relationship with someone older than me (15 yrs) eeeeek- but I love him and am happy- but my mom hates the age difference and as a result she kind of ignores the whole thing- won't really acknowledge Jay. What is that all about? I thought if I was happy, she would be...so that is a disappointment and kind of awkward. Sorry, I am babbling I would find a therapist to process stuff with- it really helps. Sue

[Unidentified]

Hi Sue

Just want to post a quick reply
(I've not been able to post longer ones taking too long to type them??)

Thanks for your reply
I'm feeling much better this week

I think adoptive parents have tough issues as much as adoptees and can often feel like they have failed us as parents because we have difficult feelings about adoption
I'm not sure if I want to search and open a whole new can of worms though maybe one day I will

Parents in general have a tough time accepting their children's relationships with older partners (closer in age to them than their kids!? )
I always emphasized my older boyfriends' kindness and support and downplayed the sex when the subject came up

If you are happy and content with your boyfriend then your parents may come to accept him in time.

How's your relationship with your folks? If it's strained they may perceive your boyfriend as a large part of the reason
but if you can relax with your parents and express your feelings to them (especially the good ones) they'll probably relax too.
I wish you all the best
Marijke

[MattP]

Sue, I wanted to respond to your post, because you said some things I can relate to. I definitely think there is a connection between adoption and other relationship issues. A couple years ago, I was feeling very unhappy in my marriage, but I wasn't sure why. I explored it with someone and came to realize that a lot of what I was feeling was related to a desire to search for my birthparents that I had always denied. I was re-creating similar patterns from my childhood and that was affecting many other relationships in my life.

I didn't want to bother my birthmom either (I hate bothering or imposing on other people -- I think that when you feel that your very existence was an accident and an inconvenience to your birthparents, you tend to live life as a shrinking violet). However, I realized that I had a strong need to search, so I did. I didn't get what I wanted -- she had died young in 1991, so I never got to meet her -- but her sister and brother were thrilled to hear from me. I finally got to hear stories about her, see pictures, and learn her name (it was Susan), so although I'm still dealing with the grief, I have more than I did before.

Putting my needs ahead of what I thought other people's needs were was a good thing for me, and I have become more comfortable expressing what I need in other relationships as well. And guess what? It has helped my marriage significantly. I'm not trying to say that searching will be a magic bullet that will solve all of your relationship issues, but the more clarity you can get about who you are and where you come from, the better. If you feel a need to search, don't deny your feelings -- listen to them and treat them with respect. You may decide to search or not, but regardless of what you do, give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and accept that it's OK.

Now I'm the one who's babbling, so I'll just say one other thing. I'm in a support group with a lot of birthmothers, and a number of them were hesitant to search for their children, because they didn't want to bother them or interfere in their life. So you never know what your birthmom may be thinking or feeling -- just because she hasn't found you yet doesn't mean she hasn't tried searching (my birthmom tried unsuccessfully) and even if she hasn't searched, that doesn't mean she wouldn't want to meet you. Just something to think about.

-Matt

[susan berman]

Thanks to both of you for your replys- marijke (sp?) my relationship is good with Jay- and my dad really likes him and has no problem with it...my mom HATES the age different but she needs to get over it!! I feel like I need to be happy and that is more important than her feelings- I hate saying that but it is true. Matt, thanks- I think I need to search- I had and ended an unhappy marriage, sometimes I think I should have tried harder but there is for me a flight instinct when I feel hurt or not listened to, so I flew and I think it was the right decision- but I am glad that you are happier and worked things out. Susan

[inhistyme79]

Pathfind, My husband and I have the same problem. He was adopted and I wasnt and yet we both have a hard time being intimate (i dont mean sex) the patterns are all over our lives. Recently our marriage has taken a turn for the worse. Fortuneatly we are both fed up with being intimately frozen. We have turned our lives fully over to God and are learning how to be friends and companions. Treating eachother the way Jesus would want us to as Husband and Wife. It is a hard road to walk down in life when you first begin on a doorstep but my Husband and I know that Jesus has been there with us the whole time. The same is true for you. Maybe your next therapy should be the Bible. Read the book of John. Remember it is always Gods plan for wholeness and reconciliation. God Bless -In His Time <><

[jasonj]

I just wanted to post to see if anyone has any advice for me. I am in a relationship and have been for 6 years. We were both quite insecure at the begining and formed a little bubble around us. I always felt slightly isolated even though my adoptive familey are very loving in their own way, in my life and this seemed to help.

i have been very jealous as has she but now it seems she has somewhat gotten over this. I have always had issues with my adoption and have been afraid to do anything about it. When our relationship started to go wrong I put it down to different reasons-work etc. Then she confronted me and said she thought she had changed and or value systems were different and how could people with differing value systems have a future together. I said I would confront my issues and see a theripist(initially this was to save the relationship) now it is to help me.

Then she confronted me again and said she has not been happy for a while in the relationship and was confused and wanted a break. Of course I reacted with emmence hurt and thoughts of how could you do this after you said you would be their for me. I dont believe her wanting a break now is directly connected to me seeking help though.

We have been living together and moved out and have not had contact for a week. She says she still loves me but cannot say wheather we will get back together or not. We are going to see a councillor together, but I fear she is doing this so as to help me with the break and not to help us.

She in confused, but I cant help thinking different value systems can be worked on and it all stems from the dependency issues I have and she had to a degree, she says it is the value system issue at the core of the problem.

I love her totally and it has been very hard to hear her say she does not know if we can be together, and that she sees us as having grown apart-when she said she loves me I believe her and she says I am here best friend too!!!

I think I may have smoothered her and given her too much-let her control the relationship and did not say no to any of her requests because of the fear of loosing her.

Now that is a real possibility and it is very frightening. Is this normal for an adoptee, and how to I get a hold of all these emotions I am not used to?

Thanks

jj

[MattP]

JJ, I think what you're going through is completely normal for an adoptee, and looking back in particular to a relationship I had in college, I can relate to a lot of what you said. Of course you're frightened to lose her -- we have a big problem with loss, because one of our first and most defining experiences was the loss of our birthparents. And a lot of us end up becoming people pleasers, because we don't want to risk ever saying anything that might upset anyone else, because they might abandon us, so we hold in a lot of resentment and have trouble being honest and setting limits.

My best advice to you right now is, be completely honest with her and with yourself. Couples therapy is a great place to do that. Also, see if you can find a therapist and/or support group focused on adoption issues. And however frightening or painful your experience, don't try to deny it or repress it -- you need to experience it completely, even if it's not pleasant.

You can't change her or control her actions -- you can only work on yourself and how you respond to the world. The more you do that, the more authentic you will become, and the better you will be in relationships with other people.

I hope that helps -- feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk. Best of luck with everything.

-Matt

[MattP]

P.S. -- I have no idea why those sponsored product links showed up in my post, but I didn't put them there. Just want to set the record straight.

[jeanmd]

Have been reading all the posts on trouble in adult relationships as an adoptee and makes me feel better to see that I am not alone in what I have experience over my 14 years of dating (I am 32 now). I was taken home from the hospital at 3 days old by my adoptive parents, who I love very much and have no contact or any real idea who my birth parents are, though I am searching.

Anyway, I was interested to read the post from the person who said they always had something on the "side" in every relationship as way not to be left. I too have the same inclination -- sometimes it turns into full-fledged cheating, sometimes just kissing or sometimes just an emotional, talking connection with someone. Always hedging my bets, though unconsciously, until I made a point of looking at all my past behavior and seeing the pattern.

Also have other similar charateristics to others here -- do anything and everything to please the person I'm with, pull away from someone first before they can break up with me so I am "in control", etc.

I know there are folks who aren't adopted that probably experience these same things, but I can't help thinking that so many of us have these issues in common, it must be related to adoption somehow -- whether through the nature or nuture aspect or both.....