[lostwolfpup]

I don't seem to get that one. I make friends or so I think, but it ends up as more acquaintances than true friends. I think of friends as those we can call when we need to talk or hang out with or go shopping with. I have had a few of them, but at this point in time, busy lives have taken over their time and now when I want to go do something, nobody is there. This of course makes me feel abandoned, like being put up for adoption in a way and I dont like it. I see others with friends and they go places together and have parties and share birthdays and all. I don't have that. Is it because I'm adopted? Probably not. So I ask myself why don't people stay with me? Do I push them away without knowing it? Am I hard to get along with? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???? Am I clinging too tight to them for fear I will lose them? I don't know, but what I do know is that I deserve to have friends to hang with and talk to too! Why on top of all the adoption stuff do I have to deal with that too? Whatever the answer is, I'd like to know how others feel about this. Do you all have true friends or just acquaintances? Has it been hard to make real lasting friendships? DO you think being adopted has anything to do with it? Do you think the fear of rejection is greater for adoptees? This little link didn't have any posts, so let me be the first to toss one in the ring. Off to all of you. What's your opinion on this one?

[debsdone]

Just a quick reply here........I have always had a ton of true friends. I have all my friends since I was a child. My secret? I am a really good friend FIRST. I don't look for what I can get, I always look for what I can offer. It feels good and it pays off. I tolerate things others do not..... because I understand that people change. Friendships are stronger at some times than others, especially during our early adult years. The key is to learn to be a friend. IMHO Debi

[Judilyn]

Deb has a lot of good information to share and she is correct, be a great friend if you want have friends. Here is something else I'd like to share. I used to feel as you did that I did not have any real friends but of my problem was that I was very quiet, (once I hit the age of 25) I am not sure why that came on then, probably because that was when I got my life together, (off of drugs, accepted Christ as my savior, etc) I made all new friends in order to get away from the life style I was in. I never felt really close to them however until the last few years. I had to learn not to be shy, to open up and I had to learn to allow others to show affection to me. I am not too much of a touchy person and when others would try to hug me I would tense up. I have since changed. Because I was so quiet and with drawn prople did not know how to act around me. One person actually thougth I was just stuck up, not the case, LOL. The new friends that I made are my "family" and friends and the people that I have gotten to know in church. They are my brothers and sisters in christ and we are sooo close. They would do anything for me and I for them.

Blessings
Judilyn

[vicrose]

I have found in life that as long as you have one great friend, that's all you need!!! Yes, I have a lot of good friends, but people work, have kids, and lots of responsibilities everyday...so you can't always depend on them. But, my one great friend and I have helped each other through many a crisis together. So, don't worry about having a lot of friends....because as long as you have one friend that you can rely on through thick and thin...then you've got it made in the shade!!!! Hugs, Brenda....

[LAI-S]

Hi lostwolfpup,
You have just said so many things that I have been thinking recently. My birthday was this past monday, I had no one other than my family to share it with. And even that was cut to a minimum because the summer art history class I teach started that evening.

I did call my "best friend" on her birthday, which is four days before mine. Her friends from work had thrown her a surprise party, I guess they don't know we have been friends since birth, because I was not invited. She didn't call me on my birthday?!

I do have casual friends from church. But no one I really feel close to. I'm not sure why I don't open up to people. I know that I'm introverted by nature. I can honestly say I haven't made any new friends since college. I am beginnig to wonder if my college friends are my friends too. My Mother-in-law passed away last week. Not one of them have called or sent a card.

To be honest I just checked your profile, we have a lot of things in common - art, pets, etc. Please feel free to e mail me, or post here. I will be checking back!
LAI-S
leighann@mac.com

[CuTiE!BeKaH]

hey! i know EXACTLY how you are feeling in terms of having aquaintances verses REAL friends etc. I am going through the same stuff right now. Being a junior in highschool and dealing with friends and friendships is so extremely tough. People don't realize how much that impacts us, but it does. So ,if you want to talk, I'm here. Strangelilbug63@aol.com

[suznj26]

I know what you mean LOSTWOLFPUP
people aren't there for me, when I turn around
it's few and far between when I have someone in my life
who wants to hang out me
everytime I find that person everything changes and I feel lost and abandoned!

to the person who wrote that they have had true friends all their life!
that's not very warm or consoling, rather boastful!!!!!!!!!!!

how about some support?

[debsdone]

So, what is YOUR definition of support? These boards offer a broad selection.
If you post something, and have a very select opinion of what you want from
people, I suggest you say what it is you want. If your feeling of support is
"misery loves company"; perhaps you should ask for people simply to commiserate
with you. If support to you is people who will be there to help guide you
through something, and help teach you how to change the negativity in your
life, that is available here too. My opinion is that it is ALWAYS best to
listen and learn, and offer YOUR support, without critique. THEN you tend to
receive what you ask for! As I said before, the best way to HAVE friends is to learn how to BE one. Debi

[secretme0289]

I too have more casual friends than "bosom buddies"...at this point in my journey I think it is because I have abandonment and trust issues.

For me I push people away or do not allow them to get really close because deep down I am afraid that they will abandon me too.

I don't have any answers for you...still working on it my self. I think we need to teach ourselves to trust people.

[adopted_78]

I have like 5 good/close friends. But 3 of them moved away - we still keep in touch. 2 of them are married now and have little time for me. I feel abandoned by all of them! Lol - I don't really feel abandoned we jus have different lives. However, I haven't been able to make any new friends. It is possible I push people away or don't put forth an effort. I am not sure. It is a good topic because I would like to find out more about why I dont have any friends to go bowling with, play pool with or go to the movies with. Don't feel alone in your search for answers on more about yourself. I am right along with you.

[suznj26]

It's weird because I am a likeable person, I used to not think
I was because I was very shy.
But now, I am not as shy and I don't have as much trouble
talking to people.
But for some reason, I cling to the past, and most of my friends
from highschool and college have moved away or are busy.
I guess I am scared to make new friends, because I feel like
it always ends, and one emotion I hate feeling is sad or
vulnerable.
So, to feel no pain I don't try with people.
Funny because I was thinking the other day, if only I had a few friends to go bowling with
Anyway, thanks for the support and the response

[gunner]

I share the same feelings lostwolf pup, I have a very hard time making friends or maintaning them, not for lack of trying.
I was never close to anyone as a child or my teens I preferred to hang by myself than deal with rejection.
But while in Texas uniting with a brother I had found I met the best friend I could ever hope to have.
(no not my brother) a coworker I met while working with MHMR clients for the state. I was tenative to speak to him at first, he is well liked and seemed to have a down to earth personality.
when we first spoke he seemed as intrested in me as i was with him, we had many of the same views and likes.
next thing you know we had trips to the coffe house every morning after work and shared in our life experiances and views on the world. ten years later and my moving out of state we still talk two or three times a week to keep up with each other and our lives.
so hang in there you will find your friend, let your guard down some and take a chance.

[vicrose]

Hey Suz,
I was not trying to be bosastful at all....and if this was what you got out of it...then your way off base!! I am and always have been very warm, and compassionate to other's feelings here at adoption forums....but I also think that if you go all your life feeling sorry for yourself...then, you will never make any friends....sometimes you have to lift your head up, and smile...and stop feeling sad...life is for living!!!! I'm sorry if you misconstrued what point I was trying to bring out....but I am a positive person...and I believe that every person can achieve personal happiness...if they set they're minds to it!!!!! Hugs, Brenda

[Nattystar]

I understand someone who is adopted to feel abandoned.. but also i don't believe that it is realistic to feel this way. Most of the time someone who is put up for adoption is put up for a better life. I don't think in my own personal view is that not having that many friends has nething to do with being adopted. Life is tough, many would agree.. you just have to get through. myself didn't have a good childhood with friendships, but i had an amazing family (adoptive) and they were always there for me, and as life went on you meet different ppl and build different relationships and difference experience. my advice is to just keep living keep pulling through and don't hide from different experiences.

[goscuba]

I am discovering that I struggle in this area. I have friends but am not good at "just being" with them. I try to be "useful." I'm the friend you call if you need to talk through a crisis or need to go to the ER. I'm not the friend you call to go the park or to a ballgame. I'm trying to figure this out with a therapist.
So far I understand that I felt a need to be"useful" to my adoptive family. I was adopted at 9 days old and they were adoring and loving but somehow I got the message I needed to be "worthy" of that. Also, I can see that my adoptive mom's insecurities led her to undermine my friendships. The therapist says there is a skill involved in participating in a "holding group." The skill is to just be present with a freind and feel worthy. Somehow I've missed that one so I'm trying to learn it now. Object Relations theory has a lot of insights into this issue and I am reading a lot but I also am working on processing less and changing behaviors more. It is a confusing process but still very new so I am giving it time as well as attention. My thoughts are with all of us who struggle in this area.