[essex bird]

Hi ((All)) this is a good one for me, am an alcoholic and adoptee who through treatment, have seen that i was so co-dependent that i never infact lived for my happiness, I could only be happy if i made or thought i made others happy, or if others were sad, then i felt i had to try and change their mood, i have now relised that i can only change me, and that what other people are feeling does not effect my mood, I am after all a person in my own right,being adopted made me act so different like i wasn't anyone but today i know that being adopted is just a fact in my history, but it doesn't prevent me from being a independent lovable person who doesn't have to carry the responsibilty of others on my shoulders we are all unique and blessed wheather we just happen to be adopted, what a blessing i now percieve this act to be, for without it i wouldn't be the person i am today. God has his plans!!
tracy

[sal]

WELL SAID!........I too had an alcohol issue early on in my life that certainly could have led to more major problems.....but the trying to please everyone and make everyone else happy describes ME to a "T". I have reunited with my bmom's family and have begun to take on the responsibilities as the oldest child already! It's a very hard mold to break out of...I too have had counseling which I have found very helpful....just wish that maybe I wouldn't have been so hard headed and had gone earlier. Good luck in your healing journey......sal

[bajohnson]

Wow, you may be on to something here. Totally describes me. I had an alcohol problem way early(highschool) and dealt with that then, but not the other issues. Are there a lot of people pleasing, adoptee's? My sister is adopted too, but I don't see her as a people pleaser. Are we all afraid that if we make someone unhappy with us they will leave too? Just like our birthmothers did? That primal wound thing again. Food for thought. Thanks,
B

[sam_i_am_71801]

What can I say, other than I can relate. I used to be a people pleaser, then when I'd had nothing left to give, emotionally, finanacially, physically or spiritualy, "guess what" those people are no longer around. But that is a good thing, once I took the time to fit ME in somewhere in my life, I found that I was much happier and much less confused. I was well balanced though, "I had a chip on both sholders." through it all, lol

[nicolebrooks]

Yup yup all of the above. My frustration is when does one feel balanced after accepting their past. I feel so behind. I've even taken time off work to take care of me but I still find myself at home overwhelmed by all that should be done. I feel guilty puttering in the yard and trapped by voice and email.

I don't think I mad about my past or my lack of desire to confrontation regarding issues I don't feel are just. However, my boyfriend feels as though I snap at him because I can not or have not snapped at the situation I am truely angry with. Does that make sense?

[shirleyville]

Yep -- I'm right there with you! The "disease to please" is very prevalent in woman, anyway -- but with us, I think it's ten fold! Always wanting to make sure everyone else is taken care of, happy and "good to go" on every level is something I have always worked toward. Until just recently (the last few years) I have started doing things for ME, first...and it's hysterical! The people in my life (mainly my parents and my husband) are so confused!!! I've heard NOTHING from my husband except about how selfish I have become and how I never think of anyone but myself. My father is about to come unglued because I haven't called my mom in the last five days...he came over here the other day and asked me if I didn't realize that my mother isn't well, and how my daily interaction with her is all she has to look forward to!!!!!!!! I need to point out that my mom has been sick for YEARS. At one point, she was so sick the doctors said she had less than a week to live, and she was sent home from the hospital to die. My father couldn't handle it, and I had to go over there and sleep with her, in her bed, all night, while she was dillusional...just to keep her from ripping the oxygen out of her nose. I did EVERYTHING for her, including leaving WORK to come over and put her on the toilet, because my dad called and asked me to. She wouldn't accept home helath care or a private nurse --- she would only allow ME to do it....and I did --- but I have never been the same again because of it. My dad USES that....when he feels I am not showing them the amount of attention they need, he lays on the guilt and says, "your mom is so sick --- I don't know why you don't come over more, or call more, etc." I used to crumble when he did that....now, I just listen and then go one about my business. It may seem callous, but I have to do what I have to do for ME!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 38 years old.....it's about time!
And yes, there was alcohol abuse in my life, too -- years ago. I think maybe in a way, it was the only thing I felt I could "control". I knew no one wanted me to be drinking, so I made a conscious (or really an unconscious) choice to do it anyway, because I could.
Funny how it all works, isn't it?
Hugs,
Sally

[sal]

Sally, I DO think that you are I must be the same person....haha I too, have cared for both of my adopted parents needs before my own.......until recently. My amom has had significant mental health issues all my life and until I went into counseling those issues controlled my life. My adad has had multiple surgeries and I have singlehandedly cared for him.....and continue to perform nursing duties...but he is very aware of MY needs first and we have always worked together.....It is hard to put ME first...and I'm getting a little better at it...it still doesn't feel like a natural thing though....perhaps with some more time.......Hope to catch you in chat again.........sal

[dl]

I just read the following post about adoptees on another thread:

Everything is about them and their feelings, their soapboxes, etc...

I do not feel that statement is true for most adoptees and am very glad that I spotted this thread which supports my feelings that if anything, adoptees tend to be people pleasers. That's why so many get caught between the expectations of bparents and aparents. Also feel that when a reunion is attempted and bparent does not want contact this "people pleasing attitude" is partly responsible for the pain the adoptee ends up feeling. We believe what we read on the forum that our bmothers "long to hear from us". Part of our motivation to search is to please our bmother by reassuring her that we are "alive and well". Being told that contact from us is "not pleasing" results in pain and frustration.

sam_i_am_71801, I completely relate to your statement:

I used to be a people pleaser, then when I'd had nothing left to give, emotionally, finanacially, physically or spiritualy, "guess what" those people are no longer around.

How sad, but how true.

[sweetnoodle]

In my therapy, I was treated for codependancy, and it was the bestest revelation I ever had!!!!!!!!!!!! I still have the book, CoDependant No More.

And codependency s****, and it enables others to be less than what they can become . . .

And it's indirectly related to the PRESSURE that others are trying to exert to manipulate and control you.

And Sally, you GO girl!! I know you are not all about "Me, me, me," but my goodness, I'm glad you've learned to take care of yourself. I'm still learning.

Sincerely, (btw, thanks for this thread)

[KatieinUK]

I too have had loads of problems with co-dependency. Everything I did through life seemed to be to please other people. I never really sat down and thought about what I wanted. Like you I self medicated for this and other issues, but I chose smoking weed instead of alcohol. Recently, after a year of therapy and focusing, I decided to make a bold move to the UK. It took all I had to do it, but have never been happier with my decision. My poor mom (adoptive) is really sad and is always trying to get me to come home, which of course I understand. But before, I would have listened to her, this time I am thinking about me and England seems to be a great fit. I have no plans to leave.

It is nice to know there is a direct link to adoptees and co-dependence. Well, not nice to know, you know what I mean-a safety in numbers kind of thing. My best friend, who is also adopted, also displays these characteristics and together we locked ourselves in our apartment for years and lived for each other. It's been hard to break away from this, but we are both better for it.

Good luck to all struggling with this, I know what it is like!

-Katie

[lostwolfpup]

wow you all hit it on the head. I think I need counseling!! I always worry what others think of me, what i wear, how my hair looks etc. I feel I always say the wrong things or just am incompetent at times. The only place I generally feel like I can hold my own is writing, either here or in a notebook. I can plan what to say and say it with conviction and sound as intelligent as I am. I never feel like I fit in anywhere though I try to fit in. I'm tired of worrying what others think of me but still too weak-nerved to act on that. I'm afraid if I stand up for myself, at work or anywhere, I'll be looked at as unsociable or a b***h. I know people who speak their minds and I don't consider them to be that way so why should I think I would be? Guess it's the co-dependancy thing talked about here. I have had some dealings with alcohol, though not total abuse. More like toying with the idea that if I drank more I could speak my mind to those who need to be spoken to and not be afraid. BUT, I have kids and need to be sober for them AND alcohol is a depressant which I dont need with all this other crap floating around in my head! So I turned to coca cola and chocolate. It's my crutch. Yeah, my weight and complexion have suffered some, but I'm trying to temper the two and all. The bottom line for me seems to be that I need to learn WHO I AM and be myself. THe key to that is, being adopted, I don't seem to know who I am. That's the crux of the whole co-dependant issue for me. Bottom line, we are who we are, adopted or not as was said above. If I learn to really hear that in all my waking thoughts, maybe I can break out of the "what do you think?" cycle and do what I think is best for me and my husband and kids, ME first. Anyhow, that's my humble opinion for now. It may change any moment when someone else brings up a point that sounds better for me to follow along with since so far, that's how I am.

[AnaAmy110]

I have had some of the same experiences. I was never an alcoholic, but I am an anorexic. The same things are true about the living to make everyone else happy. It doesn't work. I try to make myself happy, and I am not at all upset about the adoption anymore, but I do know that it has made me who I am today. I still feel like I don't fit in, and have feelings of being unwanted. It is hard to overcome these feelings. I tried for so long to be who everyone wanted me to be, and I did that very well, but now I really don't know who I am, because I never got the chance to find out. I think I have been depredded my whole life, but ignored it because it took everything out of me to be what I wasn't. I am tired now, and at a loss. My husband doesn't know what to think of me these days. He cannot ever understand the emptiness and lonliness an adoptee feels. It comes from deep down in our souls and needs to be fed by something. My haven is my eating disorder, for others it seems drugs are the answer. I guess we all find a way to numb ourselves. Does the hurt and longing to belong ever end?

[Jackiejdajda]

AnaAmy wrote.
>Does the hurt and longing to belong ever end?

I believe some of us get separated from each other..The hurt and the longing happens on both sides.. (some that is)..

A codapendent woman does what she is told to do and gives her child away. Its about control.. People deciding to control the other person in order to please someone else.. And no one really sees what is happening..

>They are playing a game.
>They are playing at not playing a game.
>If I show them I see they are,
>I shall break the rules and they will punish me.
>I must play their game, of not seeing I see the game.
>R D Laing - Knots


I am the child of alcoholics.. Two of them.. I was a codapendent when I was six.. I was terrified that I would be put out so I did what I was told.. I kept the peace in the family.

I also lived a chaotic life.. I also got pregnant at the wrong time.

I felt deserted when I was a child and I deserted my son..

I did to him what was done to me..

Jackie

[colin]

But i want to get suscribed to this thread. I have looked into this stuff before and it is worth the time.

See you soon
Colin

[clara]

Hi,
...am back....
I thought this well worth sharing:


For all still learning "the language of letting go...."

Say thank you, until you mean it.

Thank God, life, and the universe for everyone and everything sent your way.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough,and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.

It can turn
a meal into a feast,
a house into a home,
a stranger into a friend.
It turns problems into gifts,
failures into successes, the
unexpected into perfect timing,
and mistakes into important events.

Most importantly of all, it can turn an existence into a real life, and
disconnected situations into important and beneficial lessons.

Gratitude helps to make sense of our past,
brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.

Gratitude puts things back into balance.
Gratitude turns negative energy into motivation.
There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to its influence: We can start with who we are and what we have today.

Apply those small moments of gratitude to small insignificant things and then let it work its magic.
Say thank you, until you mean it.
If you say it long enough you will believe it.

Today, I will shine the transforming light of gratitude on all the
circumstances of my life and smile at the discovery of how it is the God of small things.....

bless you all