[kadensmom]

I don't get it. When I was pregnant, the aparents and I got along so wonderfully. In fact, it was the amom's similarities to myself that made me love them so much. Plus, the adad was so easy to like and they were so charismatic. They seemed so loving and kind. After I had my son, we maintained a decent relationship although awkward since I wanted to give them their space. The amom and I kept continuing contact through email. Then I brought up boundary issues which was sooo hard in the first place. But when she told me what felt right to her, I was crushed because she only wanted to keep our friendship a correspondence. I don't know why, being foolishly optimistic, I wanted more than that. I understand how that wouldn't be realistic, but ever since we brought these things up, things seem strained. I tried my best to remain as I always am, bright and chipper, but she hasn't even tried to write back and it's been a week. Am I being a freak or did I just screw up my friendship with them? And if things are weird between us, how do I mend it? For Kaden's sake, what the heck do I do?

[bajohnson]

If you were being yourself, then you have done nothing to upset the relationship. I'm an adoptee, so I don't have any experience in what you are going through except by what I've read here at the Forum. What kind of adoption do you have with them? Is it open, semi-open, or closed? Are you still receiving information about Kaden? Pictures?
I'm sorry you are in this place, but don't start doubting yourself. I'm sure it is just something that they will have to work out. There are a lot of birthmom's on this site with a lot of experience in these matters. Try reading posts by Skye Hardwick and a couple others. They are very supportive, and would have just the right words to say to help you through this. I wish I had them, but I don't. Just hang in there, I'll say a prayer for you.
Hugs,
Beth

[kadensmom]

We have an open adoption agreement where I visit him 4 times a year and receive photos 4 times a year. I have a visit coming up on Aug. 1 and I am so afraid of having weirdness between us. I know that weirdness is pretty much inevitable, but I don't want to lose their friendship over something I did or said. **Sigh** I just want Kaden to have the most comfortable open adoption as possible. I will bend over backwards just to make things cool between me and the aparents.

[flueryfan]

How did your trip go? I too am in a weird place with the family that adopted my grandson. We love them very much, they promised we would be like family, but sometimes we feel like they are intentionally ignoring our phone calls. We were promised a meeting to meet the whole family, 2 months later still no meeting because the father of the mom is ill. Now she says we'll have to set up a time when we can meet at a mall with just her, her mom, and my grandson. I don't know if it really is just the worry over her dad, or if she is afraid to meet us now. Maybe she is worried that she is hurting us if she see's us too much, or maybe she is worried we'll try to take my grandson.

It really hurt about a month ago when she said it had been several weeks since her dad had seen our grandson and that she really needed to take him to see him, even though the granddad was ill. What about us? She promised to get together with us real soon and it's been two months and we have only seen some pictures of him.

I hope that your 8-1 meeting settled all your fears. Let me know, maybe when we get our meeting it will settle all our fears.

[kadensmom]

My 8/1 visit was great! Kaden is a gorgeous little boy! And he's spoiled, just what I wanted. The father and mother were very sweet and kind. I was actually happy he was with them, like I felt during my pregnancy with him. He deserves to have a two-parent stable home and that's what he has! I do miss him, though. I miss the aparents too. But they attend the same church, so I see them almost every week...our relationship seems to have relaxed (when Kaden was firstborn, they seemed tense as I was really depressed)

I'm so sorry to hear about your ordeal! In the state of Oregon the open adoption agreement is a legal document so it must be followed unless the birthmom changes it. The aparents have to submit to it or I could take them to court and enforce it. I think that the aparents in your situation are feeling protective over their adopted child, or maybe a little worried about intrusion. Sometimes the amom may worry about competing for the title of mother and feels threatened by the birthfamily's presence. This is all I can make sense of it.

(I have pics of my visit, if you'd like to see my beautiful son and daughter, I'd be happy to send them via email! )

[bajohnson]

I'm so happy that the visit went fine. You sound so much better than before. Is it hard to see the family every week? Do you see Kaden every week too? I didn't sense that you do.
Hugs,
Beth

[kadensmom]

Oh, yeah, I see Kaden too! The aparents are so nice about the church thing, they are actually encouraging it! They were also concerned about allowing my other family members to see Kaden. So since my daughter's birthday is around the next visit, we'll be throwing a big birthday party for her with the whole fam there, including Jessica, Jason and Kaden.

[MomTo1]

I think I may know what is happening with the family that adopted your son.

In my situation, my husband was uneasy about the visits. It took me over 1 1/2 years to convince him that I wanted to reach out to our daughters birthmother and have visits. It was hard for him and it still is. He wanted to give me a child and now he feels like he has to share this child. I don't think he fully understands the pain of the birthmothers and the very simple fact, that this child will always have two mothers. Since we have had our first visit, my husband has done a 90% change, still a little work to go, but much better.

Try not to take it to heart so much. Understand that the amom wants to see you and honor your feelings. Try not to be hurt that adad has problems. She will work on him and in time, I am sure, he will come around.

Good luck to you!

[bajohnson]

I totally agree with Mom to 1(on her way to becoming Mom to 2, I hear) when she says this may be the A Dad's thing.
My Dad was totally defensive about our being adopted. He had a hard time with the thought of us ever looking for our birthparents, he would have just flipped with an open adoption. I don't know why men are like this more then woman, probably something to do with which side of the brain they use. I agree to meet the A Mom on her terms, don't take it personnally, and let her work on him.
Congrats to all of you who are working out lifes challenges and doing so in a respectful and loving manner. Warms the cockles of my heart!
Beth

[hollyalteneder]

it is sad you live in such fear and with such little control of the situation. i don't think you have screwed things up just because you opened lines of communication. i suppose continue being respectful as you are and allowing them to make the boundries (since they are in the drivers seat) might be your best bet.

i have a one year old adopted son. the birth parents are very nice. i really like them a lot. but i don't feel comfortable. i am not jealous, i am sad for them. i feel like i took their baby. it's ackward, but i don't wish it away. i try to pretend to feel normal, but i know they see through me. it just isn't easy for everyone involved. i love my son and i will do whatever is best for him. right now, i feel contact is fine. i want him to know they care.

[Sharon]

It seems like a situation or relationship is destined to be awkward when one party is in exclusive control, oversees the setting of "boundaries" and is, to quote hollyalteneder, "in the driver's seat".
This one-sidedness is inherent in the aparent/bparent relationship. Prior to relinquishment, the birthparent is the one establishing the rules and calling the shots. Post-relinquishment, the positions are reversed and the aparents are in control.
I guess the thing to remember is that open adoption really isn't about the aparents or the bparents feeling comfortable (although it would be nice...), it is about what is in the best interest of the adoptee. In my opinion, it is in an adopted child's best interest to have both sets of parents involved in his or her life. Sometimes adults have to sacrifice their own comfort to a certain degree for the sake of their children.
JMO, ~ Sharon

[mere]

i am really glad that things are going great for you!!!! i am a bmom myself and my daughter was born march 22, 2003 but mine is differnt i didn't go through an agent....it was a private adoption.....i only signed one paper and they were my rights being terminated.....i told them that i wanted an open adoption and for the longest i never i got pictures of my daughter i got some pictures for the first time in december and let me tell you it was the most emoitional thing i have been through since i gave birth to her.....i don't know how to tell her Aparents i would like to visit and too see her .........i miss her like crazy and i am having a hard time with her adoption......it is tearing me up....but i hold my head up high and look forward....i look at what a great life i gave my daughter.....but she is 10 months old now and i talk to her parents from time to time but i want visits like you get is there any way you could help me...... they live like 3 hours from where i live...but i want it like you have it it sounds so good and how they treat you is awesome.......

meredith
Ashton Marie's mommy

[Rose Ekerholm]

I'm ecstatic that things have turned out so good for all of you.
I adopted my daughter out at birth in a private adoption. Open adoptions were not heard about, but we were supposed to have a semi-open adoption. I was told we would correspond. I was also told that they would tell her she was adopted right from the beginning. They would have told me anything to adopt her. I lived with them for a month before she was born.
It's a complicated story, and I'll spare the details, but I changed my mind about adopting her out after I had her. I was forced to do it by my oldest daughter's father.
The day I gave birth to her, my older daughter, her father, and I left for another state. I wrote to the aparents and they answered the first 2 letters that I wrote. In the 3rd letter, I asked questions about her, and asked for a picture of her. They sent me a letter telling me that they were breaking contact with me. They even moved out of the state they were in so I wouldn't know where she was.
Anyway, as I started out to say, I pray that the aparents of your/their child don't do that to you. You are so very blessed to be able to have contact with your child.
May God bless you all.

[Amaurosis]

You might not really be interested in my take on this, since I'm not any kind of mom (yet) and I'm not an adoptee, but...

I have a lot of friends with kids under 2. I love them all dearly, but they are all the flakiest people right now. They only call me back about 50% of the time, often days and days later. Having small children can be so overwhelming, and other relationships/obligations can kind of go out the window.

This is not to say that the aparents shouldn't be a whole lot more diligent about keeping in touch, helping the relationship with the bfamily grow, and certainly fulfilling any promises that they made. It just seems to me that parenting a small child sort of shorts out your brain, and failures of communication like this shouldn't necessarily be taken as either an indictment of or antipathy towards the bmom, nor as an indication that the aparents intend to close the adoption.

Not that any of this helps when you're waiting to hear news about your child, I'm sure.

So glad that your situation improved, kadensmom!

Edited to add that I really should have checked the date on this post!