[NMmama]

Hi. I don't post here much, but I read and I appreciate there is a forum to discuss these issues.

I hope I don't get flamed for my post. Please know that I am trying to reconcile my feelings not in any way disrespect my daughter's firstmom.

I adopted my daughter three years ago when she was 10 years old. It is an open adoption / relative adoption, as she is my husband's first cousin by birth. She was badly abused by her birthmother for the first 10 years of her life. I would like my daughter to have a good relationship with her first mother, but I have a hard time forgiving her. Before I adopted my daughter, I got along just fine with the firstmom. However, my daugher has scars on her body from the abuse and that has changed my feelings about the firstmom. She called today and talked to me and my daughter. To tell you the truth, it ruined my day. I have such a hard time when the birthmom says things like "I have been worried about ---(our daughter)." Part of me thinks, "you should have worried more about her when you were beating her." I know that is horrible and spiteful, but I am so angry that she hurt my little girl that way.

Before this becomes a novel, I just wanted to know how other people deal with similar feelings. Anyone?

[TxMom65]

yes, I know exactly how you feel. I adopted my daughter from foster care when she was 8. She has scars on her body and her brother is brain damaged from the abuse.

I read the forums where birthmothers post and wish that I we had that kind of relationship. I can't imagine letting anyone hurt my kids that way, let alone doing it myself. I never talk bad about the bmom and tell my daughter that it is OK to love her. Myself, I am only thankful that she gave birth to my daughter.

[BrandyHagz]

I also know how you feel - but from the other side. Sadly, for my daughter, I am powerless to do anything.

Abuse is difficult and I can understand why you'd feel the way you do.

[NMmama]

Originally Posted by TxMom65

yes, I know exactly how you feel. I adopted my daughter from foster care when she was 8. She has scars on her body and her brother is brain damaged from the abuse.

Thanks for the replies. I am glad I am not the only one. Another question for you - do you talk frankly with your daughter about your feelings or do you always say only positive things? My daughter is 13 and I just don't know whether to tell her I have mixed feelings about talking to her birthmom or just leave it as it is.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Although my son was only 8 weeks old when he came to us, he was VERY malnourished, 67% delayed developmentally, and suffered from a lack of nurturing and human touch. I often get aggrivated during visits when THEY get mad that he doesn't come running up to them with his arms spread. The last time he was so out of sorts that he stood in the corner and would not come out. Because of this, b-mom would not interact with him and even refused to take pictures when her dad offered his camera. He is 2, and established at a very young age that he has "stranger danger".

I get REALLY mad that even after 2 years they call DH "daddy" (which they have since the day he was placed with us)...and call me Angie.

[TxMom65]

Originally Posted by NMmama

Thanks for the replies. I am glad I am not the only one. Another question for you - do you talk frankly with your daughter about your feelings or do you always say only positive things? My daughter is 13 and I just don't know whether to tell her I have mixed feelings about talking to her birthmom or just leave it as it is.

My daughter seems to be going through a phase where she doesn't want to talk about anything birthfamily related. I try to initiate conversations when something is relevant. OUr adoption is closed and she knows the reasons for that. The social workers and counselors had already told her a lot before we adopted. We talk about the thiings that she remembers and some of what I know about her case before she came into care.

I never really tell her my feelings, my true deep down feelings. I tell her that I know her Bmom loved her as much as she could. She lost a total of 5 kids to the state, two with brain damage from the abuse. I know that my daughter questions how these things could happen herself and will more as she gets older.

[NMmama]

Originally Posted by Bug-n-Bears-Mommy

I get REALLY mad that even after 2 years they call DH "daddy" (which they have since the day he was placed with us)...and call me Angie.

My daughter did the same thing when she first came to us. Finally, I told her I wanted to be called Mama and I stopped responding to "Erika" or "hey you." When she would call me by my name, I would say, "Who?" in a kind of joking way. I figured I am doing the job and I deserve the title!