[Patty-cake]

It is better to get opinions before acting- I'm doing it backward.

My dd found me about 3 years ago we e-mailed for a few months before meeting f2f. Afterward she pulled back and contact is only ocasional pictures of her kids and thank-you notes when I send gifts.

From the beginning dd told me that a.mom had a problem with our reunion. I wanted to write to a.mom but dd told me that a.mom did not want contact. dd did however give me the okay to send a breif thank-you note for the lovely scrapbook that amom sent with dd when we met.

A wile back I decided to begin the process of reassembling my life as though I will never have relationship with dd. It has been almost three years. If things workout between dd and myself in future it will be a welcome blessing indeed but I must get back to the land of the living- where I am needed and loved.

There were some "loose ends" that I felt needed to be tied up as part of this letting go process. One of these was to write a.mom and tell her that I was glad to learn that the adoption agency had honored my request in choosing dd's family.(it was 1971 and I had no way of knowing,) I also told her that I thanked God for choosing her for mom because I know that she loves dd. I sent the letter in a Mother's Day Card. I wrote this because it was in my heart. I would have been devistated if dd had been mistreated. dd's a.mom is an older lady and even if dd and I get back together a.mom could be dead by then and it would be too late.

I waited nearly three years- sorry if dd got upset. I don't know if she did or if she even knows. The message was harmless and sincere. I did it for my own healing and also for a.mom who seems to need some healing also. What do you think?

[josh1788smom]

I think it's great. You were sincere and from the heart. You'll have to let us know how it all plays out.

[amyshaw]

I think it was sweet of you to write to her. Hopefully it will bring both of you some peace.

[browneyes0707]

I think you did what you needed to do to make peace within yourself. That were thorughtful and sincere words!

[myheart]

You did what I always do, regardless of the advice I am given....You followed your heart!!!! Do not worry things will be ok.

[kune]

Patty-Cake
I think it was something you knew needed to be done. For yourself as much as for amom. Too long you (we) were the silent woman hiding in the wings hoping to be part of the performance. You have acknowledged her role in your daughters life but also asked her to accept there is another significant woman who had a part in this young woman's life. I think, by writing, you will be "real" to the amom.

I hope your relationship with daughter is a growing thing and in the years to come you each find you compliment each other's lives.

Ann

[NMmama]

I am an amom and I think what you did was wonderful. As pp said, you followed your heart and I think it was the right thing to do, for yourself and for your dd.

[keds]

Hi Patty-cake - I applaud you for putting yourself first and doing what you have to do for your own peace of mind. Kune is right as well - up until now you have been an unknown entity labelled as "bmom". If this is the rght term, you are more human to her and this will only benefit your relationship with your dd. all the best.

[SuddenlySusan]

Patty-cake... I think speaking from the heart is always a good thing... did you hear back from amom, or from DD?

Peace,
Susan

[Patty-cake]

No and yes. A.mom did not answer. My daughter have started e-mailing ocasionally. She hasn't mentioned my card and my guess is that she doesn't know. If she finds out - I'll just have to deal with it. I did wait three years. Hopefully that will count for something.

[keds]

Patty-cake - I'm glad to hear that you are getting e-mails. I hope this is the beginning of a happy, long relationship.

[Found at last]

Patty,

Good job writing that letter. I was glad to hear that your dd is emailing. I hope this is the start of a relationship you had hoped for.

Take care,
Found

[RavenSong]

Patty-cake, I think sending a letter inside a Mother's Day card to your daughter's a.mom was a wonderful, heart-felt thing to do! I'm sorry she didn't respond, but I'm positive that it meant a lot to her. In reunion, there are so many complex feelings and emotions for everyone involved.

As time goes by, hopefully she will feel less threatened by you having a relationship with your daughter. Or perhaps not... Either way, you will know that SHE knows how thankful you are that the adoption agency selected her to be your daughter's mom.

As far as your daughter pulling back from you communication-wise, it's really quite normal. I reunited with my son in 1990, when he turned 18. We went thru a "honeymoon" period for about a year, where everything was fine and dandy. And then he pulled away from me for a couple years, with only occasional contact. I think that it's just a normal stage of reunion. Just let your daughter know how much you love her, and be sure to let her know that your door is always open.