[scarlet52698]

I've wanted to post this question for a while but I've been hesitant to "put myself out there" so to speak.

Background Info: My sons amother contacted me about 4 weeks ago via email. I was elated because up to that point I had only been able to write her via the agency(closed adoption until last year when my son turned 18). We have exchanged emails a couple of times as well as letters and pictures. In all her writings to me she sounds very loving and kind. She also sounds genuinely interested in my family and how we are doing. My son has been cautious about writing to me (he's 19 and in college), so the only information I have about him comes from his mom (which I am VERY grateful for).

Here is my problem: I'm an emotional wreck waiting between emails. I'm scared to death that I will say something wrong and she'll end contact.

It has been 11 days since my last email to her and no response yet (she told me if I had any questions let her know and she would answer them, so I asked a couple of questions in my last email).

Anybody else deal with these feelings? What worked for you? I know this is completely "my stuff" and that she is most likely just busy with everyday life stuff.

[heartened]

Scarlet,

I "get this" from a different side - an adoptee hoping like heck I won't screw up my new relationship with my bio siblings. God, those first calls with my sisters J and R were so scary, I was so afraid I'd say/do the wrong thing.

So I told them that I was afraid and why.

It is hard to become angry at someone who shows you how vulnerable they are.

One thing I'm learning late in life is that people are NOT mind readers. If you aren't honest about your motivations and intentions - honest in a way other people can understand and connect with, I mean - people will ascribe any number of motivations and intentions to your actions, and in the end, completely misinterpret you.

Doing this is probably particularly hard for first moms. The shroud of secrecy and shame can be hard to get through. I suspect that your child's mom has her own fears, her own concerns, her own scared-to-death moments - maybe she'd welcome knowing she isn't the only one. She might be just as scared as you are, for different reasons. How much closer might the two of you become if you could both feel safe saying "here is what I'm scared of," thus giving each other a chance to reassure the other.

Perhaps the next time you write you could say something like:
"I'm going to go out on a bit of a limb here and share something with you because I want to make sure you have some insight into where I'm at right now. I'm scared. I'm afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing." I'm afraid that I'll say or do something which will cause you to not want to have contact with me. I'm sure I will work through these fears but, in the meantime, could you please be patient with me? I'm wondering if maybe you have similar feelings and, if so, can we make an agreement between us that if we are ever hurt or offended or shocked by something the other says, we'll talk about it and try to find some clarity? Do you think that could work for us?"

Maybe this isn't totally appropriate in your situation, I don't know because I've not been in it. But I do know that in each instance where I've approached a situation in this manner, the relationship has grown stronger - and when bumps in the road pop up (and they do), we both feel commited to talking about it instead of reacting with irrevocable consequences.

Sending many hugs and much support your way!

[scarlet52698]

Thanks Heartened and I did make sure I expressed those feelings to her in my first letters to her and my birthson. I've been very honest about where I am in life right now and about my past. There are issues of depression and alcoholism in my past and family history that I thought my son should know about in case he ever faced the same thing.

She asked me about my family in her last email and I was honest with her about how dysfunctional they were/are. (I didn't share gorely details, just that their were childhood abuse issues).

I've emphasized in each communication with her that I want to respect their family and whatever their wishes are regarding contact/no contact I will adhere to.

I wouldn't blame her at all for being wary. While I have no criminal record, graduated college,etc. I still have a dysfunctional family of origin and I am in recovery from alcoholism(8 yrs. sober). Those two things are HUGE IMO for anyone to digest, let alone an aparent considering a relationship with their childs bparent.

It was so much easier being the adoptee in reunion *sigh*

[sugarbabysmommy]

Heather,
I just wanted to second what Heartened said, and I wanted to add that I have never met a functional family so don't be so hard on yourself about that. (OK, I think the only family I know that is funcitonal is my husband's family, and boy did he pick a whopper when he picked me and my family ) Congratulations on your 8 years sober. Waiting for more news, waiting to hear if your letter was received well is very hard I'm sure. I know this doesn't answer your question about how others have handled it, I wanted to you to know that someone else can sympathize with how vulnerable you feel.

[scarlet52698]

Thank you sugarbabiesmommy

[scarlet52698]

One thing I forgot to say is that in all her letters/emails to me she has been very kind and loving. I really felt a lot of comfort hearing from her, I know my birthson went to the right family.

I just really don't want to screw this up.

[AwaitingBeloved]

OOH! Heather, how exciting for you!


Yes, when we were matched for DD, I worried endlessly about bmom (pbmom at that time) ending contact and/or changing her mind. And I vowed never to make her wait for contact since I knew how it felt.... I'd go nuts between calls.

I can also say, with this stuff, when she emails me, I don't email her back right away. I usually check my email when I am doing a million things and instead of rushing a haphazard email back to her for her to know I received it, I wait until I can really sit and put the time into it that I want to and she deserves me to. She may be doing the same, waiting until she has quiet time to sit and send you an email answering your questions, and maybe compiling her own questions. I'll tell you I always smile when I see I have an email or when I hear I have a message from Bmom. I bet this woman is, too.

Hang in there. Oh, I know the wait for contact is brutal. But hang in. Try not to drive yourself nuts with all the what ifs. Just take it as it comes. And come vent here. :-) So happy for you.

[scarlet52698]

Thanks so much Julie that is a very good point and definately fits in to the picture I have of her. All her letters are so well thought out and full of humor (which I love). She just sounds like a really neat lady.....kwim?

Just getting this out here as helped a lot. I don't know why I sat on these feelings for so long......LOL

My poor DH has been wandering around wondering what the heck was wrong with me (I've had major insomnia).

I know I'll hear from her soon. Wow it still blows me away that after all these years I finally know who they are! Pretty darn cool

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by FH-scarlet52698

I just really don't want to screw this up.

I am willing to bet my beloved new laptop that she feels the same way. I imagine her poised over your latest email tormented by the risk of screwing things up with you! I loved what you said about your son going to the right family. I am willing to bet my new HP 1320 printer that she will never get tired of you telling her that.

Hang in there. It is so nice to hear about a closed adoption that has been "opened". It's like a breath of fresh spring air.

Happy (and very geeky) G'Ma

[scarlet52698]

LOL thanks g-ma you gave me some much needed chuckles