[bigch]

Two years ago our son was placed with us and his bmom gave us a couple of outfits and some booties. I have put these in a keepsake box along with other things she has given us that he has grown out of or is no longer using. Well, today I got a letter from his bmom and she mentioned she is expecting again and wants me send back the clothes she gave him so she can use them for this new child (she doesn't know the sex yet). I don't want to hurt her feelings but I would really like to keep these items for my son to have. I have thought of offering to buy her items that are similar to these and give them to her as a gift or something along this line. Am I out of line in not wanting to part with these items or does anyone have a suggestion of the best way to handle this?

Thanks,
Cherie

[bromanchik]

I think it is less of actually needing the clothes, as wanting both the children to wear them. Why not ask her if you can send one or two of the outfits, and keep the rest for your son to pass on to his kids? I think this is more of a sentimental request that a practical one.

[bigch]

She also asked me to send all the stuff he has grown out of to this point because she could really use it. I will not be doing that because we are in the process of adopting again and will be needing them. She has given him mostly toys and books over the last couple of years so the only clothing we have from her is the onsie (which he was wearing at placement), a sleep sack and a pair of slippers. These are the items that she wants back. I'm just torn because I really want them to have for my son and I don't know if I would get them back (or in what condition), if I did send them to her.

[ccwasson]

bigch,

I agree with you and not wanting to give the clothes back. I think that giving them back would be really hard. I think if I were in your shoes, I might send her some new clothes and tell her that you would like to keep the others to give to your son when he gets older and has a child of his own. Surely she would understand and hopefully it will not be that big of a deal. Let us know how it plays out. GOOD LUCK!!

Christy

[bromanchik]

Than sending replacements should not be a problem.

[MissScarletLa]

As a mother of 2 children, I can see wanting my kids to wear the same clothes if I had raised them both, but she gave one up. Why not get her a Nice blanket with Your childs anme and weight and date of birth that she gave up and leave a square on it for her to fill in for her new baby so it can be a family heirloom. I think that would be more suitable. Also more personal. Both of her kids could share the bond if this is what she is wanting. This would be a nice gesture between you and her. You could also do the same thing foryourself with your new baby that you are adopting and even add your hubby and yourself to it so it is a family heirloom too.

Hope this helps

Best regards
Terri

[rights]

I hate to sound negative but, it sounds like she thinks you owe her something.

I am a foster/adoptive parent, one time we had a 10 year old long enough for her to outgrow the first clothes we bought her and her mom thought we should give them to her for her younger daughter.

I would try to find items of the same quality and send her a package. I would also let her know that you are savings the other clothing for your next child.

[Robinsmom]

I am a birthmom, and I would neve dream of asking for something that I gave my birthdaughter back. How silly, asking for a pair of booties and a nightgown back, its not like a christening outfit or an outfit that her parents had for her, it was never meant to be returned. You save it, and tell her that it is for your son to have for his own children. I would not send her anything, if you are adopting another child, you will need everything you have. Don't let her guilt you into anything, cause thats what it sounds like she is doing. You sound like a really nice person, and the birthmom seems like she is not so nice, it sounds like she is trying to replace one child with another. I know you don't want to hurt her feelings, so just tell her, that when your son is older, he might want to have something from his birthmother, and that you are saving it just for that reason. She will have to understand that. Good luck.
Colleen

[bigch]

Thanks for all the great advice. I will not be sending her any of my son's things. I will however buy her a gift when she has her baby.

[1stmother]

They were given to the first born, let her know you are keeping them in a special box and they mean a lot to you because they are from her. Tell her that's why she can't have them back. I am a bit surprised she asked for them, maybe she is feeling a bit out of sorts being pregnant so acts a bit strange? Like she is confronted by the loss of her firstborn? I don't know.

[DisownedRocker]

I'm sure if you explain to her the reasons you want to keep the items, she will be understanding. Remember, it's not "what" you say, but "how" you say it. Just politely tell her they have sentimental value and why you want to keep them. I don't think she would get too upset about it, that seems a little absurd.

[bigch]

Shortly after she asked for the items back, she asked us if we would be interested in adopting the baby she was carrying. We indicated that we would love to have ds's 1/2 sibling. Over the next 2 weeks she changed her mind back and forth a 1/2 dozen times. At that time I told her it seemed like she was having a hard time and maybe she shouldn't make a decision yet as she still had 6 months til the baby was due. I knew that I couldn't emotionally deal with the mind changing every few days and didn't think that she could either. I haven't heard from her since then (early September). Her phone number has been disconnected, her mother's phone number has been disconnected and both email addresses I had are no longer working. I have continued to send letters and pictures to the last address I had for her and have heard nothing in return. I do not know what her plans are for her unborn child and at this point I don't really care. For the sake of my son, I want to keep in contact with her and I am sad that she may have chosen to end contact with us. What can I do at this point? Should I continue to send letters and pictures to her? Should I send a Christmas package like usual? She has sent him Christmas presents since he was born and I really hope she will again this year but it seems like she has just vanished and it makes me sad. Does anyone have any insite or suggestions?

Cherie

[BrandyHagz]

Cherie,

Have you contacted the agency you used to see if she has been in contact with them?

I would certainly continue to send things as usual…if you didn’t, and she was expecting them…she might be really hurt, eve tho that was clearly not your intention.

I vote for continuing to send things until you start getting them back…the postal service usually forwards things for six months or so. You might also include a note asking for more up to date contact information.

Good luck!

[bigch]

We got a letter from her today. She gave us her and her mom's new phone #s. She has also decided to parent her baby girl she is expecting in February. I am so happy that she still in contact with us.

[dadfor2]

im glad things are working out for you all now.

dadfor2