[lilifelover]

I placed 6 months ago and for some reason there was a major break in the clouds for me last week. My daughter came over to meet her great grandparents for the first time. We all had good quality "warm fuzzies" time. There was no adoptive/birthmother competition-whether it was implied or realized or intended. There was no stress, no anything. And to top it off I got good quality love time with my baby girl.

Now, if that isn't a dream come true, I called the APs the next day (as I usually do) to follow up on the visit-gain perspective, understand their feelings and just try to grow our relationship some. I told the adoptive mother that for a moment on Saturday I had felt that she was doing a better job than I could have done in the circumstances-because she had the time, the money, the husband, ect to get everything done. Turns out that she was so honored to hear that affirmation from me-she had had a horrible week (death in the family) but didn't want to weigh me down. She was discouraged, but loved the visit and my call put her over the top. It was such a good thing for her that she told me a secret that they were going to save for later: That they had decided to use my daughter's birthday as a day to honor me as well. So we will have a special mother/daughter day to share and I will always have that oppertunity to be there with her on her birthday AND the APs will take that day to remember that sacrifice that nearly killed me that it took for them to have a daughter.

This all follows 6 months of rocky on-and-off relationships between the APs and myself just as we're testing the water trying to figure out who does what and when. Finalization is comming up next month and everyone is on ends to get through it. They're looking forward to it, I'm kind of dreading it but we're all looking towards the best with our daughter.

My advice to a rocky relationship: Communication. If possible, call eachother! Write, send emails, pictures...whatever. Go knock on their door. Talk openly about your feelings, but not so openly that it is detrimental to the other party. That's what counselors are for-but don't hold back so much as to neglect some aspects of your feelings. Communication.

For birthparents: Entitlement. Give it. Give it in loads. I've been giving them entitlement from the moment that she was placed, and as hard as it has been to say some of the things that I've said to them (true as they were) it has been probably one of the single most important things that I've done inside this adoption.

For Adoptive Parents: AFFIRMATION! Call her-give her affirmation. (I say her because birthfathers don't generally stay involved-but include him if he has.) Tell her thank you. Tell her thank you for the rest of your life. Give her updates on what her child is doing/saying. This is something my APs don't do too well-I often wonder if she is crawling yet, and I am surprised each time we get together by the new and different things she is doing/saying. AFFIRMATION! I can't stress that enough. It's special when I hear my APs tell me that they're excited about going to my wedding, letting Rebecca be the flower girl and having more "brothers and sisters" for their adopted kids to get to know. It's special to hear that I've been doing good...or that I'm looking great (even though I'm not really). Even just a random phone call to say "hello" is great.

Mother's day is comming up.
Birthmothers- Call your Adoptive Mothers or send them a card
APs-call your birthmothers or send them a card