[kjustaminute1]

January of 1998, I gave up my sweet Shanti Nicole. She was named by her adoptive parents. In the begining I was worried about an open adoption, would I regret it even more if I got to see alot of her, even if it was just photos? When she was born, I spent the evening with her batteling my feelings of wanting to grab her and run and be her mother. I had to fight myself not to place her to my breast and let her have my milk. I was getting frustrated because a nurse came into my room every 15 minutes to see if I was ready to send her back to the nursery! I was about to say good bye to my child forever it felt, and they wanted to know if the visit was long enough? They being the hospital staff. I didn't want pictures of her when I was in the hospital, even though they offered to pay for the package of my choice. I couldn't look at them after she was born, even though they wanted to thank me in person. I was torn to pieces and wanted to take that angel home with ME not let them have her. When I went to the Judges chamber and had to sign the papers I fell apart, demanded that the record be sealed. I felt like such a failure to her, why would she want to seek me out in the futer, and if she did would I be good enough for her?
When I got home I changed my mind, I wanted pictures, and letters, I couldn't live 18 years of wondering! I got them right away, and two letters after that, but then it ended. I always wonder what happened? Did they just forget me, or did something profound happen to the family and my angel? Not a day goes by that I don't war with myself on giving her up. I have contacted the adoption agency several times, and they always say they will get back with me, but as you can tell by this post that has never happened. I am at a loss as to what to do? We had a very open relationship while I was carring her, they wanted pictures of her siblings to show her later then all of a sudden nothing.
I am writing I guess in hopes that maybe they will see this and contact me to let me know she is OK. I want to know that my baby is alive and well, and is happy and loves her mommy and daddy very much!

[3inCO]

Kelley, my heart breaks for you. I am an a-mom to three little ones. With our first two we had (I thought) a semi-open adoption where I sent letters and pictures twice a year through the agency. I recently learned that no one has ever picked anything up. I can only guess that they felt having even that much contact (as requested originally by the birth moththers) was just too painful. Luckily we have a much more open adoption with our daughter's b-mom, althought I sense it is quite painful for her at times as well.

It is very probable that your sweet child is healthy and happy and doing beautifully and that the adoptivie parents have simply succomed to fear. It is so unfair to birthfamilies when this happens, but I think it does quite often. Yes, there are those a-parents who are tricky and manipulative and simply lie until they get that baby, but I have to belive that they are few and far between. I think when a-parents break agreements it is usually that fear that has kicked in. Especially since you say you did get letters at first. I think as the bonding of the family progresses and the a-parents get deeply attached they fear all sorts of unreasonable things. I am in not way making excuses, just offering my opinion of what probably happened. there is no way that they could forget you. I frequently think of all of my children's birthparents. Who did my son get his incredible intelligence and sensitivity from? Were my middle son's birthparents this stubborn or is this environmental ?(hee hee my husbands influence no doubt!), I am constatnly reminded that my children have traits, both physical and emotional and personality that often have little to do with us. To me this is not a bad thing as it is exciting to see who they will be and not project things on them simply because of who we are. But there is NO WAY I could forget about their birthparents, even if I was trying too.

Was there an agency that was involved that you can contact who might be able to intervene and find out what happened? From what I have learned here, your child wil probably wish to find you one day and will want to know why her parents severed contact. If a-parents could only think long term they would realize the damage to their own relationship with their child that cutting contact causes.

It is so important that ALL parties in an adoption keep their word. There are so many fragile emotions involved, including those of the most important part of the picture, the child. Even if for some outrageous reason either party decides they simply can't continue contact, why can't they let the other party know why and that they will try to be available in the future or let the other parties know they are all alive and well etc....how hard could that simple act be?

Good luck, you are in my thoughts.

Becky

[kjustaminute1]

Dear Becky,
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I pray this is the reason for no contact in so many years. I have contacted the Attorney's office that we use via phone, email, and mail, they never respond to my answers of if they have had contact, or if they are forwarding my letters? This is really upsetting, because they assured me that if I needed to forward a letter from the begining they would. The least they could do is tell me that they forwarded the letters and got no response. I never hear anything back. The Judge did warn me this could happen and that is when I lost it. I am wondering if I should or could go back to the court house and open the records for the day that she does turn 18 and might want to locate me?
Thank you once again Becky, you gave me hope that all is well, but fear is making them think strange things!
Blessings,

[AMom2Two]

Kelly...

I am sorry this happened to you. Maybe there is some type of misscommunication. Maybe the agency told the aparents that this was too hard on you and you wanted a sealed adoption.

In any case, I would try to make contact with the aparents. Forget the agency, they don't seem to be much help.

There is a bmom on this site by the name of Sharon. You can read many of her posts. She has offered to help others search and will give you tips on how you can do it. I believe, she doesn't charge a fee. You may want to contact her. She has a picture above her name. I'm sure she may be able to help you.

Please consider doing a search to clear up any miscommunication that might have happened.

I wish you the best.

[Jackiejdajda]

Kelly wrote..I am wondering if I should or could go back to the court house and open the records for the day that she does turn 18 and might want to locate me?


I say do anything you can do to set your mind at ease.

I waited for 35 years.. It can be done.

I think the philosophy of trusting the journey is important here..
Trusting in God or the Goddess or the spiritual being of your choice..

Jackie