[lea2003]

Birthparents, please help. Soon-to-be adoptive mom needs advice.

We have been chosen by a birthmother who is due in a couple of months. She is probably the most amazing person I've ever met. She very much wants us in her life up until the birth. After delivery, she wants no contact with us or the baby. She has an older child that she doesn't want to know about this baby, ever. She has made her wishes very clear to us and we respect that. Case closed...right?!? Since she has made her wishes so clear, what do I tell my daughter some day when she wants to search for her, especially when she's over 18? I'd like to discuss it with the birthmom, but would she think I'm absolutely daft because she's already told us what she wants? I want to keep my promise to the birthmother, but what if my 18+ year old daughter searches anyway?

Any advice would be appreciated.

You are making a promise to the best of your ability. Once that child becomes an adult it becomes that her/his decision. You really have no contol.

Thats the problem that we older adoptees have been encountering, at the time of our births all the adults around us thought they could control the situation and ultimely us. But now that we are adults it is much harder because of promises made and situatons made that are all about us but we have no access to.

The other thing is that the birthmom may change her mind as time goes on so promises made now may have no meaning 20 plus years down the road.

Good Luck and thank you for thinking about the child!

Donna

[BrandyHagz]

I agree with Donna.

Also, you might leave the option for contact open at a later date. Leave your contact information, and an updated photo of the child with the agency every year...and let her know you will be doing this, should she ever changer her mind.

I know what its like to place after parenting...its hard...but I never wanted my son to not know about his sister that I placed.

I cant give you any other suggestions than that...I'd just suggest leaving the lines of communication open, and in her court, that way when the time comes, you can tell the child you did all that you could do.

[lea2003]

Thanks so much for everyones thoughts!

I have an agreement with the birthmother and agency to send all updates/pictures to the agency. The birthmother has reluctantly agreed to this. At least if she wants the information, it will be there. She also knows all the ways to contact us, so maybe someday she will. I guess if I try to keep all my promises to the birthmother, I've done everything that I possibly can. If my daughter ends up searching one day, that will be her choice and between her and her birthmother. I don't think that I will discuss it with the birthmother now. She has made her wishes clear and I will respect them. I know that I'm really going to miss her once our daughter arrives.

Thanks again for helping me work through this!

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by lea2003

We have been chosen by a birthmother who is due in a couple of months. She is probably the most amazing person I've ever met. She very much wants us in her life up until the birth. After delivery, she wants no contact with us or the baby. She has an older child that she doesn't want to know about this baby, ever. She has made her wishes very clear to us and we respect that.
Any advice would be appreciated.

She is most likely thinking that she can leave this all behind her once the baby is born. She is in for a rude awakening. My advice is to leave that door open and let her know that if she changes her mind you will be there.

I also agree that once your daughter is older it is really her decision. I think she may want to know her sibling. The bottem line is that they have a right to now each other. After a point, the parents no longer have that kind of control.

[Mikosmommy]

Lea2003,

If I were you, I'd lay my cards on the table up front. You're not really in a position to make such a committment on behalf of this baby. Be sure this person understands that you'll not only have no control over what your daughter does after she reaches 18, but that if she wants to search before then you won't stop her.

If she really is interested in doing what's best for the baby she'll understand this. I've known adoptees who have no desire to find their birth parents, and ones who did need to know. Two are brother and in the same afamily but have different bparents.

The point is, you never know. It's an individual situation. The only important thing is your obligation to your new daughter, to always do what is in her best interests. No balancing act there between her and the bmother. If she needs to search, you'd better support her vs. the bmother. Or else your relationship with your daughter might suffer. As she searches, you might preface that with an explanation, and some sort of gentle way of warning her that she may not wish to have contact, but that it has nothing to do with her specifically. Above all else, if everything does go horribly wrong, be there for her.

You seem to be conflicted and uncomfortable with this situation. Please don't agree to anything you are not willing to follow through on just to get a baby. Read these boards about some of the dysfunctional/disasterous afamily/bfamily relationships. Know how things got that bad? Because sometimes people just don't communicate and dare to expect that things will work out anyway. That's about the only thing these boards are good for....learning from other peoples' experiences, good and bad.

Good luck to you.

[KZacharyC]

as birth mother the best thing I can say is talk to her about it.... thats is the best way for you to get these things resovled and remeber that what you find out now will be what you need for you child when it is older........

also coming from some one who totally is a a very open adoption and having many friends who wanted what your birthmother did also changed there minds about comunication.... so things can and might change after the birth... and also after so may years as a mother she will wonder and she might come back latter on for pictures and such... leave the door open for that!!!
good luck and just ruley sit down and be a friend to her and talk things throught from every angle!!!!

good luck

KZacharyC (LDS open adoption)

[digit_the_cat]

I'm the adoptive mom of a 1 year old (as of January 3rd). Her birthmother, Carrie, originally wanted a semi-open/closed adoption, meaning we had exchanged full identifying information -- first and last names, addresses, e-mail, phone, toll-free, instant message, etc., -- and we met and had contact during the pregnancy, but then basically she wanted no photos, contact, letters or visits after the baby was born. Like your potential birthmother, Carrie had 2 children already. Although she said she wanted no contact in the future, in the same breath, she also said that if we had any questions after the baby was born we were welcome to call her, or if the baby ever wanted contact, she was welcome to contact her. Dh and I were open to whatever she was comfortable with, but had hoped for a good relationship and an open adoption. We told her that the door would always be open for more contact if she ever changed her mind.

When Taylor was born, Carrie asked if she could receive periodic letters and photos. Of course I agreed, and asked her if she minded if I set up a website, that she could access any time she wanted. I'm a bit of a computer geek anyway, and knew that it was something that I would already be doing for far-flung family and friends. I also though it was a good solution, since I wouldn't worry about forgetting to send photos, and she'd never have to ask for updates -- they'd just always be available to her, should she want them. We also visited her on our way home from the hospital and snapped some photos. During the past year, we communicate mostly via instant message, and she checks into the website every month or every other month.

Carrie is a Marine, and was recently transfered to Japan, her choice, and we continue our internet communications. We're both setting up webcams, and she is even more grateful for the website. She's set up a similar website for her family and friends. Although we went through an agency, it specialised in open adoptions, and Carrie and I have promised each other to stay in touch and make sure the other has our information if we move.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make here is that you have to let the birthparents have their space, and be open to what they may want in the future. But I would definately talk to her about the possibility of future contact, either by you or by your daughter. If she adamently refuses any future contact, I think you have to respect that as best you can. Personally, I think closed adoptions are a shame, but for those that want them, the adoptive registry seems like a pretty good solution. I guess in the end, you can only control what you can control, and hopefully let go of the rest. When the time comes, if it does, I'm sure you'll do an excellent job of explaining to your daughter about her birthfamily. All you can do, is the best you can do.

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clark_guest, Password: Guest
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[debsdone]

Realistically, ANY promise made about the raising of a child is only applicable until the child is an adult. There is really no reason to make a huge point of that, IMO. If we promise to raise her in a certain faith, in a town, dress her in a color, isn't it common sense this is only until she can make her own, legal, decisions? It is admirable to be so concerned about the future....but premature. who knows what will happen between now and then? Nobody, that's who! What is the saying about the best made plans? Stay in good faith and let things happen. In 18 years, it is out of your hands as the child has HER rights at that point. Good luck! Debi