[Natsmommy]

It has been 16 years since I gave my first born daughter Natalie up for open adoption. I wish I could say it has been the most wonderful experience. I learned a year ago that the adoptive parents got a divorce and neglected to tell me for 3 years!! Since then I have learned from Nat that she has been molested by the adopted father and I am so hearbroken.

Just last week I found out she is pregnant. I am going to be a "grandmother".

I am greiving over my decision but I know something good has to come out of this.

Please anyone, help!

[bellazmama]

Dear Nat's First Mother,

I firmly believe that no matter what, we are stronger for what we endure. This is an almost unbelievable situation--one which no one would ever expect or want to go through. There was no way you could have anticipated the outcome.

Please encourage Natalie to seek counseling NOW! If there is a Bethany office close by, I highly recommend their counseling. Yes, they ARE an adoption agency, but they ALSO offer family counseling as well. You can reach them at www.bethany.org or 1-800-BETHANY. Should Natalie choose adoption for her baby, I'm sure you will be there for her to help her make a good choice. If she chooses to parent, I'm sure you will be there for her as well.

Your story makes my heart ache for you and for Natalie. As an adoptive mom, it seems evil to take such a precious gift as prenthood and twist it into something so. . . so. . . WRONG!

Sarah

[Judilyn]

Yes, I too agree with Sara. Please encourage your daughter to get counseling now even if it she feels that it is not necessary. Sometines it is easy to say "Oh, I'm OK" when all you have really done is pushed all those yucky feelings deep down inside you. If they are not dealt with they will one day pop again in ways that we are not even aware of. I always say "it's a lot like throwing up, it has to come out!"

I know as a mom how this is breaking your heart. I love children so so much and my heart breaks when I hear about terrible things that are done to them especially by the very people who promised to take care of them. You are not responsible for this, do not blame yourself! You had no way of knowing.

Can something good come out of this? Possibly, I believe that your relationship with your daughter could grow stronger because you will be there to stand by her side through it all.

I will be praying for you
Judilyn

[bromanchik]

Natsmommy,
You must be reeling with hurt, betrayal and disbelief.

What kind of contact do you have with your daughter and her adoptive parents?

As always, I suggest that you get educated so that you can best help your daughter through this difficult time. Call you local rape crisis center and ask them for reading material on helping a child who has been sexually abused.

Also have a heart to heart with the adoptive mom. There is a good possibility that she is blaming herself for all of this. Ask her in what ways you can help. I know it is hard to trust, but just as you needed her 16 years ago, she may very well need you now.

Talk to her about getting unbiased counseling. How does Nat feel about this pregnancy? Does she want to parent. Is adoption even a consideration? Do not assume it is.

Where does Nat live? I might know someone in the area. Please call me if you want to chat or have anymore questions.

--
Brenda Romanchik, Director
Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support
721 Hawthorne
Royal Oak, MI 48067
Phone/fax: 248-543-0997
Expectant parent/Birthparent Resource line: 877-879-0669
Website http://www.openadoptioninsight.org
brenr@openadoptioninsight.org

[tlee70]

hello Natsmommy
I am an adoptee that has gone through some similiar experiences as your daughter. If am 32 years old now and have worked through alot of issues surrounding my abusive childhood.
I have just recently found my birthfather, so I am in reunion just like you.
If you would like to chat, I'm more than willing to give you some perspective from your daughter's viewpoint. Knowledge is power.

tlee