[katgirl2]

my husband found his birth mom recently and has been having great contact with her -- they're both elated and working hard on a relationship. he cannot get enough of her and her extended family and wants very much to please them.

it's weird for me. i intellectually understand, especially the desire to be close to the birth mom, but i feel like he instantly wants me to treat her extended family like they are our family -- they are strangers at this point. he has a devoted adoptive family who we are close with and i feel disloyal a little bit. but i also feel threatened like a.) this has revealed this manis, un-ending need he has for family acceptance and it is foreign to me b.) i feel strangely threatened.

i am trying to be supportive but whenever i bring up feeling weird he gets angry and says i am trying to sabotage it.

any insight?

thx.

[kakuehl]

Try to be patient and use the opportunity to get to know this extended family. This is the "honeymoon" stage and will probably calm down after a bit. Think of it as expanding your loving community; you/he are not replacing the family he grew up in, you are adding to it. He is probably looking for people who look like him (have the same nose, etc.) or have similar personalities - the stuff of genetics. It doesn't mean he will reject his afamily or you... unless he is forced to make a choice: then all bets are off! I'm sure it's difficult for you since this is somewhat unlike the man you married. Find a safe place to share your feelings. How is his (a)mom dealing with this.

I have to admit that my birth son did not go off the deep end. He did, and does, invite me to family birthdays, etc. His parents and I have spent time together and gotten to know each other. I've met his sisters and an aunt or two. I love being part of his extended family and feel a special bond with him, but I do not and never will replace the mother who raised him.

I wonder, because of his reaction when you tell him how you feel, if he's a little uncomfortable with the "extended" stranger/family too, but doesn't want to admit it. Encourage him to remember that this is (hopefully) for the long haul; take you time and get to know everyone.

I don't know if any of this helps. Do come back when you need support or need to vent.

[loveajax]

kat, kathy has great advice, as usual.

i am married to an adoptee who located his birth mom a couple of years ago. we have sort of the "opposite" situation where his birth mom does not feel comfortable meeting him right now (and she lives 10 mnutes away). she has not told anyone (including her rasied kids/hubby about him) apparently. and this has caused its own stresses with us too....like I will "push" him to email his birth mom, etc. and he doesn't really see the point, etc.

my "trick" for now is trying to stay out of it a bit, and just be supportive. i realize it's easier for me than if he was "gung ho" with birth family stuff (and i do understand the feelings of loyalty to your inlaws, but hopefully they are supporting him too?). i try to read a lot of reunion stuff here, and realize that alot of times there is this initial "all in" period, and slowly things get back to normal. look at it as an opportunity to learn more about the hubby you love, but yes, please feel free to vent. i totally can see how it may be tough on you. (i find DH is kind of "edgy" sometimes about this stuff! and it is very much unlike him). feel free to pm me also if you like!

good luck, and hang in there!

[SoniaRose]

I don't think that the non-adoptee can ever fully understand the world of the adoptee.

Think about how "weird" it is to grow up in a family that is no more related to you than strangers you'd pass on the street. The adoptee is missing that biological connection to another human being. That's why many of us are so obsessed with finding our roots -- we need to discover who we are.

My husband doesn't understand me either. But he grew up in a natural family, so he never had to think about where he fit in. I have always felt a little out of place. I think we end up craving what we lack. I perfectly understand what you call your husband's "un-ending need for family acceptance". Maybe a psychologist would say that he is subconsciously working toward overcoming his childhood feeling of rejection (rejection by the bmom) by earning her acceptance now. Just be patient with him.

[txrnr]

Thanks for realizing this is hard for you! I think you are seeing the "honeymoon phase" and it will pass. Hang in there, vent here if you need to, and realize that at some point this will calm down and it will be more normal.

Adoptees are rarely looking to replace their afamily, so please don't feel you are being disloyal. Somewhere here I read it's like missing the first 10 minutes of a great movie. You loved what you saw, and just wanted to see what you missed. It completes the adoptees life story, it doesn't replace it.

Please continue to try and cut him some slack as I'm willing to bet things will go back to normal, with the exception of some new people your husband cares for in your life.

[bakerjw]

A lot of good advice so far.

It is very true that non adoptees can't always understand why we feel the way that we do sometimes. It is not a stretch by any means to say that there is a disconnect of sorts when you are raised in a family where you have no physical traits in common with those that are your family. He has made a connection that fills in the gap of what was missing in his life and unfortunately you can't understand what that is like having not lived as an adoptee. I too had a great adoptive family but imagine how weird and lonely it feels to go to a family reunion and realize that you have no traits in common with any of them.

I understand where you are coming from though too. After all they are strangers and you don't have the connection that he has made with them. Time will soften the experience and things will settle down in time. Until then let him enjoy what he has found and find ways to deal with your feelings.

[Dickons]

It must be tough to be on the sideline looking in at something that you have no idea of how it feels to be the participant.

Adoptees who have always known, grow up understanding they have two sets of parents - our normal - that is all we have ever known. You on the other hand have grown up knowing only that families only have one set of parents and that is all you have - your normal. It seems like no big deal but it changes the fundamental concept of family structure and if you cannot embrace it you cannot understand it.

To the adoptee, neither set of parents can be replaced, they are unique to each other and hold different places and roles in our hearts, to the non-adoptee, contact with one set means you are replacing the other because that is your concept of family but it is not the concept an adoptee has.

Until you embrace and accept that adoptees have two sets of parents reality, you will not understand it.

Kind regards,
Dickons