[lovemy6]

I'm trying to find an answer about how to tell if an adoptee's issue is adoption related or just part of their personality/psyche.

So many times I hear people say that so and so has those issues bc she's adopted. What if it's just part of who she is?

Some examples I've heard over the years are that a person is afraid of close relationships, is afraid to fail at her job, is a perfectionist, and is a pessimist. Why are these attributes blamed on the person being adopted? I know a lot of non-adopted people who are like this too.

[hpfreak080]

I don't have an answer for you because I've always wondered the same thing!

It makes me wonder what would be said to me if I told people that I was a perfectionist without telling them I'm adopted...hmmmmm lol

[imprttuner2]

I'll be honest, I never knew there were "issues" related to being adopted until I started attending adoptee support meetings and reading the forums. After attending all of these meetings though it started me wondering about my life. I've known I was adopted since i can remember. Since I've been going I can't help but reflect on my life and wonder if that is what held me back sometimes. Have I always had issues talking to women, or showing confidence because I was adopted and have a fear of connecting, or was it because I never was put in the position to develop those skills like someone else may have. I know that my lack of an answer probably doesnt help much, and I'm sorry if it just confuses you more. I wanted to share the perspective of someone who has been introduced to the concept recently though.

[KittyMay]

I really never knew that there were "issues" with my being adopted either. Same as Imprttuner2, it was only after reading posts here and searching on the internet that opened that alerted me to the fact. While I believe there are issues with adoption, I believe there is alot of hype and hysteria out there also. It's just a fact of life in this world we live in. We are constantly bombarded with information 24 hours a day....in many ways we have been desensitized to some of our inner voices and feelings and have replaced them with what we "think" we should be feeling as dictated by others. We believe on some level that we should be feeling this or that because of what someone else has said. We become what we surround ourselves with, and really have to be careful to keep "listening within" as not to lose our perspectives. We have the ability to have imperfections in our personalities that do not require in depth explainations or analysis. Sometimes it simply exists simply because it does.

[bakerjw]

In my days I've met a lot of messed up people that weren't adopted. A lot of people. While I am sure that it has some effect on people I've never used it as the reason for my personality characteristics.

[Dickons]

Lovemy6,

Good question! I think that our issues can be regular normal issues that everyone experiences, but at the same time we (adoptees) seem to experience the issue the same way...if that made any sense.

One of the biggest issues in my world has always been 'who am I', 'who came before me', 'who am I like', all those types of questions are unique to the adoption experience. Identity is what triggers me when issues come up, be it who do I look like to whoa - where did this disease come from...and what is going to hit me next.

I started a thread quite some time ago and the link is below. You may find what you are looking for there.

Being an adoptee...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[ripples]

Originally Posted by lovemy6

Some examples I've heard over the years are that a person is afraid of close relationships, is afraid to fail at her job, is a perfectionist, and is a pessimist. Why are these attributes blamed on the person being adopted? I know a lot of non-adopted people who are like this too.

Good questions and thanks for raising the topic. Reminds me of the ongoing debate between 'nature vs. nurture'. I believe that a lot of our issues can be attributed to the separation trauma and maternal deprivation that has been researched by those in the mental health field (eg. have a look at the World Health Organization-sponsored research on "Maternal Care and Mental Health" by Dr. John Bowlby http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maternal_deprivation). And the authors of "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" have noticed the disproportiante numbers of adopted people represented in a lot of areas, eg. ADHD, learning difficulties, etc;

However, I don't think adoption is the sole basis for all these issues as I recognise that many non-adoptees face similar issues and that many adoptees have varying ranges, from none to extreme, of experiencing these issues.

All I can say is that in the big picture of our trials and tribulations, we try to learn acceptance as well as empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. The more I think about the tragedies that befall many people in this world, the more I think that we all face a blend of issues, wonder, mystery, blessings and meaning. If you'd like to know more, have a read of the best-selling book, "Man's Search for Meaning", by Victor Frankl, he was a Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

[BethVA62]

I think for many adoptees, moms and dads too, that being "touched by adoption" just makes it easier to catch some of that stuff. Can be quite a breeding ground.

<going to take my vitamins>