[leatherette]

Hi, I am an adoptive mom, and today I connected with a mom who asked me about my daughter, and shared that she was adopted as well, also transracially, like my daughter. She asked me if my daughter's birthmom abused drugs, because her biological mom did (I did not answer this, but yes, my daughter was exposed), and many other questions.

She kept apologizing for asking so many questions, but kept asking them. We had a great conversation in many ways, but I had a hard time with boundaries. I almost feel more comfortable sharing more with an adoptee than I do with other people, but don't really think that is fair to my daughter and her right to privacy (I did not share much info, but more than I would with others).

We both have daughters in the same activity/group, and will probably see each other again, and I would love to get to know her better. I am feeling that her many questions are a way for her to process her own stuff, and I want to develop a friendship, but need guidance from others. Do you tend to share more personal info with people in the adoption triad? Do you tend to expect more info from people in the triad? Any advice to me for connecting with this mom while still maintaining appropriate boundaries?

And this has happened other times with adult adoptees asking about my daughter.....so it's not just a one-time thing.

Thanks!

[Jillalan]

I'm an adoptee also a birth parent and I have no problem answering questions regarding my adoption, without reserve regardless of whether they're part of the triad or not. However, in the case of your (young) daughter, yes I feel you need to protect her.

I feel too this woman is asking you questions to process her own questions/thoughts/doubts, but I think I'd get to know her a bit better before answering anymore (personal) questions.

If she asks any more things that make you uncomfortable, reverse it and say, what makes you want to know that. Or if you're more forthright say, I don't feel comfortable answering that.

Sometimes people are just too personal and I'd treat her just as I would anyone meeting me for the first time.

I've no idea if you know who your child's bp's are, whether it's an open adoption, but I'd worry that this lady may be connected some way to the bp's. I may be way off base here, but you never know.

You could start by asking her questions about herself. That may be away to get to know her and steer the conversation away from your daughter.

[Dickons]

Adoptee here...

Adoption is part of who we are and while personal questions about being adopted may seem too personal to the non-adoptee they are facts of life to 'some' of us. As a child it never bothered me to answer any and all questions, as an adult it does not bother me either, it is my story, just like any other person. Would you think it was too personal if someone asked you about your parents and family? What they did, how many children they had etc? If you would not be comfortable answering the question based on your life then it is too personal, if they are simply normal questions about family then I do not see any issues.

Being adopted becomes an issue when it is something to be hushed up - when others make it something not to speak of in polite company (so to speak) - to me it is just part of who I am and where I have been that has made me who I am today.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[leatherette]

Thank you both for your responses. I also feel that answering "normal" questions about a child who was adopted is more normalizing. Aren't we trying to get away from the idea that adoption is a secret to be kept?

Some adoptive parents get mad about questions that really don't bother me, like "Where was she born?/Where is she from?". I would answer the question of where my biological child was born, so why not answer it about my adopted daughter?

There is this dance between preserving privacy and treating adoption as a normal way to build a family. I have been asked if my daughter has bio siblings. She does. She knows this. Why would I not reply "yes" when asked this? I think that sends a mixed message to her. Some people consider this too personal. Or, "Do you know her biological parents?" - this question does not offend me.

My daughter is 5, and at this point has not expressed an opinion about people's questions and how I answer them. I will change the way I do things at her request, as that comes up, without question.

I don't answer questions like, "Did her mom use drugs?", because would you ask that about a person in someone's biological family when you did not know the person? No. Not okay to share about people in our extended adoptive family either.

Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, and I am open to suggestions.

Thanks again,
L.

[hpfreak080]

I remember when I was little my mom wouldn't even tell people I was adopted (unless she was specifically asked) because she wasn't sure if I would be comfortable with everyone knowing that. As it turns out, I have no problems at all discussing adoption with whoever wants to know about it. When my mom saw this, she no longer had any reservations either (she doesn't know much information about my bio-family to begin with anyway).

I think you are doing fine: having a conversation without getting too personal. Just trust your instinct: if your brain sends out red flags about a question, just politely decline to answer.

=)

[KittyMay]

I guess I must be different. I NEVER discussed my adoption with anyone until just about a month ago. Even at that, it is in this forum that I've really shared more than I have in a whole lifetime. I believe the lady was just trying to compare her own adoption circumstances with your daughter's, but I feel she didn't need to have an intimate knowledge of the circumstances unless you were asked first, "Do you mind talking about this subject?". As with anything else, there are touchy points, public points and private points. I guess I never really discussed it with anyone because of a family member saying to my mom once something or another about my "real" mom. My mom thought it was tacky and tasteless and so did I. It's just not a subject that I'd really bring up outside of this forum and my recent reunion. Outside of my parents, my daughter and my bfamily, it remains my private business what I do, feel or have to say about my adoption. In the future, if anyone has questions in general about adoption that I do not feel comfortable answering outside the circle mentioned above, I will simply refer them to this web site as a place where they can get multiple opinions first hand from the folks who have the best experiences to offer. I do agree that adoption is something that shouldn't be hush hush, but I also believe there is quite a bit of ignorance out there that simply cannot be placed squarely on my shoulders to account for the many aspects of adoption that are misconceptions and the like.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by Jillalan

If she asks any more things that make you uncomfortable, reverse it and say, what makes you want to know that. Or if you're more forthright say, I don't feel comfortable answering that.

Sometimes people are just too personal and I'd treat her just as I would anyone meeting me for the first time.

You could start by asking her questions about herself. That may be away to get to know her and steer the conversation away from your daughter.

I agree with Jillalan's advice and yes, I'd say that the woman is inadvertently processing her own stuff. I would also suggest that you broach the topic with your daughter of how much information she'd like you to disclose and why.

While I do understand that on the one hand, we feel that we should be open about adoption topics in order to break down the sense of taboo regarding adoption, but on the other hand, we should be respectful of people's privacy. As a comparison, people have varying degrees of comfort in talking openly with new acquaintances about their divorce-related relationships (like, how many near strangers ask a second wife, "so, have you met your husband's ex?"). What gets me as a (transracial) adoptee, is that somehow due to the 'novelty' of our adoptive family relationships, people's curiousity about us somehow overrides common respect for what may be rather personal questions.

While I do tend to share a bit more info with people within the triad, I still go slowly with how much I share or ask, especially when meeting them for the first time. Frankly, I think a near stranger asking about drug use by your daughter's bmom is a bit too personal for a first meeting.

Follow your gut instincts about what info you're comfortable sharing with new acquaintances and keep in mind what your daughter may feel as you talk about her to new people. Conversely, I wonder how comfortable adoptive parents feel about their children disclosing to new acquaintances details of the reasons (eg. infertility) surrounding their adoptive parents' decision to adopt.