[emmacj]

Hello,

My name is Emma & I am new to all of this. I've never really spoken to anyone about my feelings on being adopted, but I can't just deal with it on my own anymore.

I have always known I was adopted, and have had a happy life with my adoptive parents. There is nothing they could have done more in raising me. I recently turned 21, and it's like a switch was turned on. I just wish I could turn it off again.

I met my birthfather when I was 12. He was married (not to my birthmother) with three young boys, and a newborn daughter. I was so thrilled that he wanted to meet me, and at last, I had brothers and a sister! Unfortunately, this was short lived, as his wife was unhappy with him meeting me, and although we involved her and the children as much as we could (we never saw my birthfather without them there) she believed that he was spending too much time with me (I saw him roughly twice a year). She became extremely nasty (I was 13 by this time) and contact eventually ceased. I still have contact with his parents, who are beautiful, and two of his nieces.

This event was one of the most traumatic of my life. I was sexually abused when I was 14, and I genuinely have trouble deciding which event is holding me back the most (I'm not using this example in general, just for me personally).

A few years passed, and I decided to write to my birthmother. I had always been curious about what she looked like, if she had any children, etc. I received a letter, and photos back, which was fantastic. She has six children, and had just given birth to her last daughter when I made contact (so much for being worried about not having brothers or sisters!). We exchanged a few letters, and due to events in my life, I didn't write back to her last letter. Not because I didn't want to, but time just got away and before I knew it, four years have passed. The baby daughter she was bringing home would be in kinder now.

I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.

I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?

This has become a constant source of grief for me, and I just needed a place to vent. I need some help.. I literally have sores under my eyes from crying myself to sleep. I just need to know she loves me.

Thank you for listening.

[julie23]

I turned 21 in July last year, and I spend months before my birthday wondering if I would receive a letter from my birthmother. It meant more to me than I could say, and never told anyone how much it ripped me apart when my birthday came and went, without contact from either of my birthparents.

my relinquished daughter turns 23 this next sunday.... she doesn't want me or her sisters in her life..... and because of issues with her adoptive father, i have felt it was disrespectful for me to contact her..... as her birthday approaches though.... i do think about her... and the day of her birth.... and how much adoption has hurt me. there is only sadness in it .... betrayal...

if i thought she actually cared, i think i would like to wish her happy birthday.... but since i am pretty sure she doesn't ever give me a second thought.... it seems irrelevant....

i think i am going to do something different this year... i think i am going to take a day off on her birthday.... and spend it by myself.... (I have a husband and four kids.... so it's a challenge to be alone for a whole day!)

and i am going to allow myself to grieve.... all that was lost.... and just have that day to myself.

I've spent so long hoping she was thought about me, and just wishing that I meant something to her. In the photo where she is giving her baby daughter her first bath, she is looking at her so lovingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile, or was it a relief when they took me away?

i looked at her that way.... even in reunion. my oldest raised daughter once said to me that i seemed so happy when the relinquished daughter was around....

it was the most devastating day of my life to be separated from my baby.... a day of great agony and suffering....

there was not any relief. no.... no relief. just pain... sadness.... crushing grief.

[Emster]

I am an adoptive mom, to a little boy who was relinquished at birth. I was witness to the way his birthmom held and looked at him and grieved when she left the hospital. Although I cannot know, I'd bet your mom did the same things, if she was given the opportunity.

Wshing you the best.

[dpen6]

Hi Emma,

I am really sorry you are feeling so conflicted about your adoption. I understand how you could feel this way. Unfortuantaly many people involved in adoption make someone elses adoption about them and have no ability to see it through the adopted person's eyes. Often we are expected to "understand" the feelings and experiances of those that are either responsible for out existence or life before we are allowed to explore the situation we were put into. A perfect example is the reaction you got from your biofathers wife. An insercure person would react just as she did, a secure person would understand how a 13 yo is not uaully a threat.

How are your adoptive parents with this? It sounds like they have allowed you to explore. Are they supportive of you and your unique situation?

I think in terms of yourselve you need to sit back and work on YOU. Go after your dreams, become secure in yourself and the importance of who YOU are( a result of both bio and adoptive influences) and decide what is really important to you and making your life better. Don't allow others to tell you how to feel, how to act, and be careful ofthose that want you to act a certian way in order for them to feel better. Everyone speaks of love....the old adage that you have to love yourself first is hugley apparent in this kind of a situaion. You need strentgh and confidence to navigate the emotiional minfields that come with being adopted and reunions.

Sometimes its better to wait with reunion so you can build up yourself so you can make the right decsions for yourself and to mange the emotions of others that want you to be or not be a certain way.

Reunions can cause such a problem fortheadoptee because everyone thinks they know what you should do based upon what they want or need...biofamilies may want more, may want less, biosisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, grandparents all have an opinion about one persons birth and existence in their lives. some want to be betheir family, others don't and we are suppose to accept it all as fact.

Thats why I am telling you , you may need to step away and get strong to decide who you are and attain thestrenthg to get itwithout be accused of hurting others ect.

[UnconventionalMom]

Originally Posted by emmacj

ingly, and holding her so gently as if she might break. I cant help but think, did she ever look at me that way? Did she look at me and smile...

The day I was discharged from the hospital to bring my daughter home, I cried my eyes out for over an hour over very, very similar feelings. I don't know where they came from and they haven't come back, but I know what you're feeling.

[emmacj]

thank you all so much for your replies. i've been so lost lately about everything, and dont really have anyone here that i can talk to about it. my parents are a bit funny about the whole thing and i find its easier just not to bring it up. i havent really been on any forums or anything and i never thought i would, i just didnt know where else to turn. its gotten to the stage where there literally isnt anywhere to turn.. my doctor has given me countless medications for depression, but nothing seems to be working. it feels hopeless.

[emmacj]

Julie23: I'm sorry if anything i said in my post upset you in any way, and im sorry about your situation. i think taking time for yourself and allowing yourself that grieving period is a good idea. I dont know what its like to be in your situation, but i think there's one universal thing in adoption, whether it be an adoptee, birth parent or adoptive parent, and that is that as much a people want to be supportive and try to help, they dont understans unless they've walked in your shoes. only you know what you're going through, and maybe taking some time for yourself on your daughters birthday will be a good thing.

i dont know about your daughter, her feelings or situation.. but from personal experience, sometimes its easier to act like we dont care and that certain circumstances dont mean a thing to us.. it might be because of how others feel, or how we're expected to feel.. but sometimes its the things we dont WANT to care about are the things that we think about at night, when we cant sleep and no one else is awake.. i'm sure you know what thats like. i cant speak for your daughter, but no matter what is going on, i can almost certainly say that you're in her thoughts.

maybe, if you wanted, send her a card for her birthday. a simple 'happy birthday' card, with nothing else written, can say 'im thinking of you today' quite loudly.

take care

[Janeytwo]

Dear Emmacj,

I personally don't think you need to apologize to anyone for your post. IMO - it was heartfelt and poignant. You are asking honest questions about feelings have you have every right to feel.

You asked if your mom ever looked at you that way. I of course cannot answer for her but I will answer from my own experience if that is okay.

I am a bmom - a double surrenderer. There have been times when I have held my raised daughters and wondered about my son and daughter. I think of them everyday...as I have from teh moment I left the hospital. For a time they were frozen in my thoughts, frozen as little babies and I would wonder what kind of babyfood they liked. If they - like their sisters - hated Gerber peas. If they - like their sisters - watched Sesame Street. Little things like that crossed my mind all the time.

When my eldest daughter had her first baby, I wondered what labor was like for my 2nd daughter (whom I relinquished). I hoped that she had an easier time of it.

I do not know if other bparents think of their children - though the bmoms and bdads I've met in here certainly do.

I hope that helps a little. My heart goes out to you as you try to find peace in all of this. I think that Dpen6 is very wise in what she says too about finding oneself despite what everyone else says or does.

It just takes some time to be able to reach that point is all.

But if it will help, I send you this hug (((( Emmacj ))))

I also send a prayer for peace for you today!

[snuffie]

Hi Emmacj,
I just read your post and there was a part where you said you didn't answer your birthmom's last letter due to some things going on in your life. I'm wondering if you haven't heard from her because she is waiting for you to make the next move? In the beginning of reunions, there is a lot of second guessing and wondering what the other person is feeling or thinking.
Maybe you could just send your bmom a little letter telling her that there was much going on.

I also agree that strenghthening yourself is very important. That is the #1 most important thing.

I also have a photo of my bmom holding my youngest sister and I've looked at it over and over imagining if that is the way she looked at me. I'll never know for sure as she had passed away before I found her. But from things that my sisters have told me she always thought about me and always loved me.

I've also spoken with numerous bmoms and they have all without exception told me the very same thing. They have always thought of the baby they placed for adoption - no matter the circumstances.

I, too, wish you peace and happiness.

Snuffie

[cetalley]

EMMACJ, <<<<<<<<<<<<<HUGS...HUGS>>>>>>>>>, NO ONE CAN TELL YOU FOR CERTAIN WHETHER SHE LOOKED AT YOU THAT WAY. I can say, that as a firstmom, I was truly in love...when I chose to have them brought into the room, the next day. I had not wished to see them, because I knew if I did , I would not be able to allow them to leave, and yes ...I di fall in love, and wanted noithing more than to keep them. That day is etched into my brain like only a few other days are...it is now 23 yrs later. As a 21 yr. old, what is wrong with you sending her a card on your birthday, letting her know you were thinking of her on that day???? This may pry that door open, that you inadvertantly closed when you were younger! Life is short, do not wait for her...she may be giving you what she THOUGHT you wanted...time and space...along with guilt, and mourning you, is alot to convey, especially if you closed the door. Learn from that time long ago, contact her, and let her know, you wish only for one day at a time, but you can promise never to shut that door, if she wants to try! I would welcome this wholeheartedly, will your firstmom? I do not know, but you won't either, unless you try. The ball was left in 'your court" so to speak! Blessings, C.J.

[firstmom47]

Oh, she DID look at you that way. We all did (birthmoms).
First thing my birthson said when we met, after pleasantries, "no one's looked at me like that, ever."

[Stillamom]

Emma, as a firstmom, I would venture to say that, yes indeed, she DID look at you that way and, if she has any pictures of you, she probably still looks at them that way. I would suggest you reach out to her. She is probably waiting and hoping to hear from you so she can have the opportunity to look at you that way again

(((Emma)))

[KittyMay]

Emma,
First and foremost ((hugs)). Last week I talked to my bmom for the first time in 48 years. The ideas I had in my head all these years, the why (relinquishment), wondering if she cared, wondering this and that did not turn out to be any of the scenarios I had dreamed up over the years. She did love me, it affected her whole life, she never had another child because of it, she didn't plan on giving me up until a doctor pushed the matter (she was 16). We've talked on the phone over 15 hours already and I plan to see her next month. I think sending your bmom a card is a viable idea. It at leasts puts it on the table that you are there and are thinking of her. Perhaps she is over wrought with emotions. Sometimes we try to push painful things away by just pretending they didn't happen. I wish you all the best Emma and I thank you for sharing your story, it really touched me.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by emmacj

thank you all so much for your replies. i've been so lost lately about everything, and dont really have anyone here that i can talk to about it. my parents are a bit funny about the whole thing and i find its easier just not to bring it up. i havent really been on any forums or anything and i never thought i would, i just didnt know where else to turn. its gotten to the stage where there literally isnt anywhere to turn.. my doctor has given me countless medications for depression, but nothing seems to be working. it feels hopeless.

Dear emmac,
You are among very supportive people here. And I can really understand how turning 21 would prompt a lot of emotions, particularly sadness, about your adoption. A lot of adoptees, includind me, feel very sad around our birthdays.

I, too, felt extremely lost and depressed at one stage over my adoption and my doctor tried to prescribe anti-depressants. However, I knew that seeking the help of a psychotherapist, joining support groups and letting myself grieve was what I needed - so that's what I did instead and it really helped.

I also found that venting on forums such as these really helped me on my path towards healing. Just knowing that there are other people out there who understand and empathize really was comforting.

You also might like to see if there are any post-adoption support groups in your area - I found talking with other adoptees in person very, very helpful. I do know that there are many adoptee rights advocacy groups in many US states - perhaps they might know of support groups in your area The Adoptee Rights Demonstration — Why are our identities a state secret?

I also typed in 'adoptee support groups' on Google and found Adoption Crossroads. I'm not sure how good this organization is, but it seems to offer support groups and is a not-for-profit organization.

Your feelings of being lost, hopeless, etc; are very real and I've certainly been there and can very much relate. Good for you for turning to this forum for support - I just want to say that you are not alone and that there is hope through all this emotional pain and turmoil.

[Hadley2]

She has six children. It would be beyond my imagination that she did not look at you that way, that she did not have that look every time she thinks about you...very confidently I believe she did.

She has six children. Some of them may be teens or older by now. She was a teen. She knows how time can go by in a life for no real reason, no drama. She knows how other things can be and should be more central to a teen's life. I would be very surprised if she hasn't been waiting for you.

She has six children. She may be at a point where she is really overwhelmed with her daily life and keeping a household together and running. She may be one of those magical moms, lol, who seem to keep things rolling and can stretch to infinity. Either way, if you emotionally allow her some of the leeway you need from her, start out assuming good faith, I think you will find many good things.

I think you should let her know you would like to start again.