[sambob]

We have two young daughters, both adopted. We have a contact agreement with my oldest daughter's birthparents, where we send letters and pictures to them on a regular basis. We met them before our daughter was born, and we know their names and where they live. However, we know very little about my other daughter's birthparents. It was literally a situation where we picked up the baby from the hospital, and never met her birthmother. We have her name, that's it. We know nothing about the birthfather - it's our understanding it was a one night stand.

Both girls know they're adopted, and we're not going to keep any information from them. But my question is...how could this impact them as they get older - the fact that one child knows a little about her roots and how to contact her birthparents (if she chooses), but the other child doesn't know anything.

Any advice or feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[LMNGambino]

I would try and get as much information as possible from the agency.

In my opinion, it is going to be very difficult for the daughter who does not have any info, when her sister does.

Have you tried to get more info from the agency? Even expanded non-identifying information is better than having nothing.

[sambob]

I think we have as much information as we can get. She did fill out a form, medical history, ethnic heritage, etc, but it's really not much information in the whole scheme of things. I just don't want it to become something that divides the two girls, you know?

[hideyho]

I am the older of two adopted girls. Neither of us was told more than we were adopted. You set the tone, it doesn't matter what individual biological mother's did, it matters what you do. I'm sure they both go to bed at the same time, get the same amount of love, have opportunities based on your families income level and social status that are the similar. I don't think the biological stuff will be an issue. If they were from the same gene pool and one was accepted the other wasn't...then maybe. Hope that eases you! Take care.

[BlackSheep]

I'm the second of four siblings, two girls and two boys, all adopted and not biological siblings. All of the adoptions were closed and little information beyond "no diseases or allergies run in this family" was given. Of the four, two searched and found their birth families and two chose not to.

Beyond the information that they are adopted, I wouldn't worry about the "what ifs" that may or may not happen in the future right now. If and when the daughter that you do not have much information about asks, then give her what you do have. Your daughter will let you know if she needs more.

[irishgirl12]

Well let me tell you....i've grown up in that same exact boat. my little brother who is also adopted (from a different birthfamily) has had all kinds of information about his b-family ever since he was young...my parents have sent his b-mom pictures and letters from him since he was born...even though it was a closed adoption. But me on the other hand, I had nothing like your other daughter. Honestly, I was jealous growing up knowing that I litterally had no knowledge but he did. But it wasn't a huge issue. And ironically, now that we are both older, he decided to make contact with her and went to the addresses we had and he can't find her anywhere. and I was called out of the blue by my adoption agency and was told that my birth mother wants to send me a letter. So see, things went the opposite way. I say that to say, who knows what will happen in the future with your daughters...
My biggest piece of advice for adoptive parents is this: LISTEN TO YOUR CHILDREN no matter what they have to say....let them talk and vent and really hear them...it means the world to them....

[Jillalan]

My birth son was adopted into a family and had 2 adopted siblings. I am the only one that searched and found him (back when there was only closed adoptions)

Admittedly they were adults when I found birth son. His sister was very excited for him and wanted to know all about me. His brother never even bothered to ask...

Neither of his siblings have searched for their bparents either.

What's to stop you looking for the missing bmom now so that perhaps you can start a communication - and before the trail goes cold? Worth a shot? Of course bmom may not want to know either, even if you do find her. However, you can try.

I'd been searching for my bfamily for years and couldn't find them. A friend of mine, also adopted, wasn't looking and was found. I have to admit, while I was happy for her, I was also jealous. (I'm looking can't find, she's not looking and was found type of attitude)

I hope you can find a happy ending to this. Sounds as though you are open to having the bmom in the picture for your children's' sake. For that I applaud you.

Good Luck.

[xemtrockstarx]

Be honest with both of them, I don't remember anything ever being a secret (as far as I know lol), and my parents were always honest with both my brother and I (he was also adopted but we're not biological).

Now, he wants to find his bmom and I have never had much interest because I am super content with who I am and my family. Now my bmom has initiated contact with the agency and I am interested but a little overwhelmed as well - not a bad thing, just different. I know my brother may be a little jealous but he's not as secure as I am. I have heard for little boys it is harder to accept the fact they've been adopted.

[SuzySSunshine]

I have one sister, we were both adopted and are not related biologically. Neither of us had contact or information with birth parents.

I would suggest that you are very careful about your expectations and how likely your children are to pick up on them. Try to be completely open to any feelings the girls have about birth parents but also be ready for them to be disinterested.

We are close to another family with a child who was born in Korea like my son and have come to fill a special role for their daughter. When her sister is visiting with her birthmother she comes with us and we do culturally oriented activities. She has come to look at this as an important connection and it helped with some envy and longing she was experiencing because of the situation.

If your daughter with the information is struggling, I would urge you to remember that her well being is your first responsibility. If that means limiting or suspending contact for a time, you have to do it.

[kelley12484]

I am adopted and I have a sister who is adopted also. My sisters birth mother knew my amother from work. Like literally worked with the lady and adopted my sister from her. My amother knows a lot about my sisters mother and we know absolutley nothing about mine. It bothers me but it doesnt at the same time. In one way I am thankful I dont have to carry the weight of knowing so much about my bmom and in a totally different way I am jealous of my sister that she knows so much. Just depends on the day
-Kelley