[mygrl4meee]

I am looking for some thoughts from Adoptees. My husband and I are not seeing eye to eye on adoption. Thinks it should be more closed, and doesn't understand why people might be sad, because they placed a baby for adoption.... or why adoptees would want to who their biological parents are.. Even doesn't think there adoptive parents, even need to tell them, except if there is a medical problem. For example you need a kidney or rare blood donation.
He doesn;t understand that even though, I have not seen my birth daughter for almost 17 years, that I love her. He said something like, you don't even know what color her eyes are. Like that is more of a reason to show that since I don't know her, I don't love her. For me not knowing what color her eyes are is very upsetting to me. So my questions that I would love answers to if ya don't mind.
Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?
What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?
Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?
Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?

I know those are a lot of questions, I am guessing for the most part, I can't change him. If we haven't lived the life of being a adoptee or a birth parent or a adoptive parent, then we can't totally understand.
Thanks in advance.

[stinky_kitty]

I am sure you will get a lot of varying opinions / answers, but here's mine.

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?

NO!! I believe it is an inherent right to know.....no matter what.

What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?

I found my firstmom when I was 15 years old. The best way I can describe why I felt the need to know her is that I just had to. There is no other way to describe it. For me I had to know her.

Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?

Like I said before, I think it's a person's right to know. I have always known that I was adopted, from as far back as I can remember. I am so glad that my aparents did not listen to the judge who at my finalization told them to keep it a secret. Secrets = Lies

Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?

To some extent. I had a good upbringing, love my aparents. But I will always wonder what it would've been like to have grown up in my biological family with my brothers and sisters. I am glad that we have a really good relationship now, but I missed out on 15 years and that hurts.

[txrnr]

I think adoptees have the right to know they're adopted. There's a part of their life they may never know about, and they deserve to make the decision to try and discover it, or not.

I have always known I'm adopted. I can vividly remember adopting my brother when I was 2, although I'm sure those memories are from stories, and my imagination. (I remember picking him out myself from a milkcrate type box...fairly sure that didn't happen) It was never a big deal, just part of our family history. I can honestly say I have had no pain related to being adopted.

I have searched, found, and not made contact. If my bmom would call tomorrow, it would be great. I'm just not ready/motivated to make that kind of decision at the moment. I wish her nothing but love and happiness. (and my parents are the ones who pushed to search)

[white_elephant]

I'm sorry your husband doesn't understand what you are experiecing. I'm a 43 yr old female married adoptee and mine doesn't understand much about why I want to meet my bmom either. It works both ways for us...

I felt the need to reply to your post specificaly because I have been feeling very isolated, and "separated" from my own husband and not being able to relate with or to him on this issue- as I am a "late discovery adoptee"! I'm one that wasn't told, I found out on my own, at hte age of 42 - just about 3 months go it was actually confirmed. I can't even begin to tell you how adversely this has affected my life. Not only my life, my job, my sanity, my peace of mind, my heart, my foundation, physically, emotionally, spritually, mentally in every way I have been affected. Also my marraige (4th one) almost trashed by the tremendous stress that has been placed on us by this whole nightmare of my discovery. My 2 young adult children and their new independant lives are affected, they worry about me continously.... it's not good at all. That is an understatment. I spend hours and hours on the internet, I spend hours and hours thinking, considering, meditating and contemplating what the next step will bring us ( my DH and I ), and hope that by wanting to contact my birth mom it's not going to be such another emotional issue that it will push us over the edge. I've come too far now to stop and not see if she wants contact with me. I can't stop - it's not really a choice I am making - that is my mother! I can't explain why? I love her. I think about not wanting to find her, then it fades into, yeah right, like I could put this to rest now?

I contemplete not wanting to know my bmom now because I wasn't told, and that one thing has messed with me so badly I really can't explain it! I was chatting on this site tonite w/ another birth mother who's daughter wasnt' told until she was 22 and said she was sick about it - I understand completely! Said she doesn't ever think she will ever be all right about it - she may not be.... I'm fortunate, I'm blessed and I know the Lord, and I'll be honest, if I did not - I would not be here right now. Suicide is a high risk category for us adoptees. I have a had a half brother, I thot he was my cousin, I met once that already took his life, he was about 45 when he killed himself. I wasn't even told until a month or so after wards. They are so afraid of me finding out they can't stand themselves. I could really go into many things the secrets and the lies have done to the "afamily" it's not good either. They are miserable, old, grouchy, secretive, sneaky, creepy, distrusting of each other, no honor, no morals, nothing, they really have not even each other because they are dishonest people who have lived their lives that way. It's ugly very ugly what it has even done to them. They have no friends, no one can trust them, they aren't close to people, they get close to people, they may "slip up" and tell something they shouldn't. It's really awful, and I feel bad for them, even though they betrayed me, I still wish they hadn't done it. These are also church people that preach the truth of the Bible. What the joke it is. Hypocritical.

I believe the child always needs the truth, there are so many great ways to tell them and be age appropriate, there is no reason why they shouldn't know about it, none at all! Sad things happen in life, it is a part of life. If a child's parent dies while they are 4 or 5, don't you have to tell them that? I mean that's awful but a parent doens't just make up a story about what happened to mom or dad, they tell them they passed and do it as tactfuly as possible.

It's normal for your husband to feel the way he feels and you be hurt by it. I know the feeling, it happens to me all the time with my husband. He just can't help me and he gets frustrated as to how or what to do for me - and there isn't anything.

I'm not going to try to answer the questions as to the "whys" I wish I had the expertize to "line it out verbally" some of the others that are more elequont than I, are more experiened in what to say. If you don't get a lot of respone on this specific part of the boards, go to the general adoption part udner Adult Adoptees, you'll probably get a better response, as more adoptees seem to view and reply to what is posted there.

I wish there was a support site for the spouses, or partners for us, mine would join, there just isn't anything. He's not the "book" type like I am, nor the computer type but he views me as being obsessed about it, I'm sure.

My DH is happy if I'm not cyring when he comes home - there's been a lot of that.... I'm doing better now, and he worries about me alot, which makes it worse for me, and only makes me want to not talk about it. So I read and post and reply here. I feel as though I have some sort of "secret life" though, it's really annoying. The very thing I NEVER want to have or even be remotely accused of having.

Anyhow, this was long, and I'm sorry for that.... you'll do well to read what goes on here and keep asking questions, it sure is helpful to know that we aren't alone.

I want my bmom still, and yes I love her and don't know her eye color either. I wouldn't matter if it was orange, would it? lol. Bless your DH's heart, he just doesn't know what else to say, he sees you hurting, he just wish it made sense - but then again so do we huh? I know mine does.

One more terribly long thought, I have 2 grandbabies that live 1100 miles away, a precious adorable blonde haired, blue eyed boy 17 months, and a girl 6 months old, also blonde hair and blue eyed as precious as the day is long. I have seen my granddaughter for about 10 days when she was new, and my grandson for about 3 weeks total time. Does this mean that I'm not a good Grandmother because I have to get the info from their mother, my daughter, and am limited to cyber space and phone calls? They can't talk yet and neither one knows me, in fact thier other grandmother babysits the both of them all day long for no charge while she runs a day care for other children. Who is the "better" Grandmother? She literally takes care of them all day 5 days a week, and sometimes on the weekend, I never see them, nor do I have the money to send them anything at all, am I not still thier Grandmother and equally entitled to be called such? I think I am.. but if we go by the "rules of adoption language" she wouldn't be my granddaughter and her other grandmother would take over all rights to her because I supply no care for them at all! Just a thought.... I'm not trying to confsue the issues, I'm just saying, I have defenses for birthmother's as well. I have them for adoptive parents too, just not ones that choose to lie, or "omit the whole truth"! There is no defense or excuse ever good enough for that. It just wrong, we know it's wrong!


Best to you and your family.

[JPDakota]

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?
No. I think it is a bad idea to withhold that information.
What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?
I just have no interest in any birth family contact. I neither want it nor need it. It just doesn't matter.
Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?
I've always known I was adopted. DD is 3 years old and she knows, too. Its just part of who we are.
Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?
I don't feel any pain. I never did.

[Dickons]

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?

No for so many reasons, but for parents, consider this one simple aspect of teaching your child honesty...how can you teach your child to be honest if you do not practice honesty with them? Hippocrite comes to mind...

What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?

I just needed to search for them...no other way to descibe it...needed, had to, could not, not search.

I passively searched since the day I found the 'personal' category in the newspaper, every birthday after that. I passively searched once the internet came into our lives, registering on databases, searching message boards. I actively searched after my medical events and dx to help my doctors and tell my birth family about my history for there families.

Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?

Self identity...as a child looking at family that all look similar, and then there is you...quite often without any similarity. A child thinks in black and white (not literally) but without maturity, they see they are different, and are only beginning to see the differences that accumulate the older you get...

Knowing you are adopted gives a reason you look, act and feel different. Without knowing I was adopted I would have been lost. Being told you are adopted needs to start before you understand the differences, simply part of the past, talked about in all family stories.

Genetic identity...this is the key to your future physical quality of life, the road map your doctor desperately needs to guide him/her in your care...the fluid ever changing map of genetic hereditary disorders that fun in families that changes constantly.

Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason so no, I have no pain as a result of my adoption, it is a natural part of nature to adopt orphans.

I have pain as a result of societies views and actions surrounding adoption...dictating moral standards with life sentences of pain and silence for those who 'defied those moral standards' ...dictating the practice of non family adopions with closed records that subject the child to a life of unknown potential harm, all to provide propraganda to feed too society, on how wondeful life is, if you only follow the moral rules society dicates (never mind we dictate that you lie...that's okay the end justifities the lie...NOT).


Kind regards,
Dickons

[GoVikes]

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?
No, and they didn't. Honestly, I think it should be shared with the child as soon as she/he is old enough to understand. Thankfully, my aparents told me from early on. I used to ask my mom if she could tell me the 'dopt shop' story!

What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?
Hmm...I haven't searched thus far because I was fortunate enough to have a very stable, loving and supportive childhood. I guess I don't necessarily feel like anything is missing. That being said, I certainly do wonder about my roots! I guess I shy away from all out searching because I'm not sure what my bmom would think. I'm sort of secretly hoping she'll seek me out first so I don't have to worry about the rejection

Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?
Personally, I just feel that sharing this information with your child fosters trust and understanding. I was told from early on, probably before I could even fully comprehend.

Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?
Yes and no. I maybe feel a slight bit of pain knowing that I was juggled around a teeny bit before I was adopted. Seems sort of sad that I must of left the hospital with a social worker and been dropped off at a foster home for a period of time. I didn't really belong to anyone for the first month and a half of my life. But honestly, my bmom was very clear in her paperwork about why she wanted me to be adopted. She was a young teen, single, and could in no way provide the kind of life she wanted for me. I'm really appreciative of that and respect her decision. And as I mentioned up top, I was fortunate to placed in a loving, stable family where I accumulated fond childhood memories too numerous to even count. I know that not all adoptees have such a great outcome, but it can be a really good thing.

[mygrl4meee]

I wanted to thank everyone for answering my questions, and sharing your experiences with me.

[snuffie]

I believe that all adoptees should be told they are adopted as early as possible. As you can see from your own experience, it is a shock to find out at a later stage. I can imagine you are questioning what other things weren't told to you honestly in your life. I was told from the first I can remember that I was adopted. It became just another part of me.

I HAD to search. (I am reunited.) There was never any question about that. I needed to know my nationality, where my personality traits and quircks came from, who I look like and so much more.

I think I did feel a bit of pain over being adopted - not having the answers to my questions for so very long. But now that I am reunited, I can say that that pain has left me.

I know that those who are not adopted cannot understand totally what we go through. There are so many wonderful books out there. Maybe your husband would be willing to read more on this?

Snuffie

[jrainbow]

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?
Absolutely not. In this day of "medical genetics", I particularly believe it is dangerous not to have valid information.

What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?
I searched to tell her thank you ... and that she did the right thing. That I'd had a great childhood with parents and family who loved me. I hoped to get information and some conversation. I hit the jackpot and have a relationship with both bparents after 50 years. My new knowledge filled places in me that I didn't even know were empty. My adoption was as closed as it could be - records from adoption agency were burned in 1969 and the home closed.

Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?

I was told while still in the crib. I also loved my adoption story. There was truly never a time that I didn't know that I was specially chosen and that I was loved.

Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?
No .. for the reasons above. I do feel pain for the pain that bmom went thru as a result of me. I know it isn't my fault and that it is hers to deal with, but I'm still sorry that she had the worst of it.

I think it is particulary difficult for men to deal with raw emotions and many times their answer is to just move on. That sometimes isn't possible. Good luck.

[avh1923]

To try to answer some of your questions, I come from a family of seven children, six of us are adopted, I have known that I was adopted ever since I can remember, it was never a secret and I think that is the way it should be. I have never felt the need to look until now and only now because I have a nephew who feels that he should know where all of us come from which is a fair request. I guess that I have never looked because I grew up knowing that I was wanted not saying that my birth mother didn't want me, its just that I always took the view that the mother and father were the ones who were there when I needed a parent and that was all that I really needed. I think that the decision to adopt a child and to under take the responsibility of raising that child is a massive undertaking and that all adoption parents deserve some kind of "thank you" for the massive job that they take on. Even as an adoptee, I am not sure that I would adopt a child, let alone six of them.
As you can see, I love my mom and dad but I love my nephew as well so I am starting the journey.

[Lis409]

I absolutely believe that a child should be told about their adoption. It's part of who you are and if found out another way could be incredibly hurtful. Personally I think it would harm or break the trust between my parents and I if they had not told me.

I haven't searched for my birth mother as I simply don't feel like she's my mother. I know that may sound harsh but she simply feels like the person who gave birth to me. My mother was the person who was by my bed when I had nightmares and who watched my school plays. I'm not saying that my bmother hasn't thought about me since or doesn't love me, I'm sure she does, as you do, but I don't feel much back. I can't say anything, but much. I am curious to know about her and her life but don't want to Meet her, if that makes any sense. I think my amother is more interested in meeting her than I am! I did want to meet her when I was approx. 8 years old though, as I was going through some tough stuff. My amother spoke to the guy at the agency and he suggested to wait so I never did follow it up and then changed my mind.

I can't remember when I was told I was adopted. I've just always known. It's always been open in my family, with a file with all the information regarding my adoption (except the reason - which I'll go into another time) being within easy reach for me to look at any time.

I sometimes feel pain at being adopted, particuarly in recent years with many family members having babies and many stories being swapped about when my amother was pregnant with my brothers. It does make me feel left out, but I have a great relationship with my aparents and mum is very aware of these things and will often try to incorporate "when Alissa was adopted...."stories amongst the birth stories of my brothers....which make me smile as I know she's simply doing it to make sure I feel included. As she says, she doesn't have stories of when she had me, but she has the stories from when they were applying for my adoption, the visits the agency made etc. to when she collected me from the airport.

I think the hardest time in my life was when I was around 8 years old and I was having racial problems at school as it was and saw my being adopted as being the cause of it all. I didn't know why I was adopted - which was hidden from me, the only part of my adoption my aparents didn't tell me until I was older - and I thought it must have been me and that I must have done something wrong or there must have been something wrong with me.

[bakerjw]

Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you?
I believe that all adoptees should be told from a young age that they are adopted. Finding out late in life can really screw someone up. I also believe that aparents should be open to discussing the adoption even if the adopted child seems overly preoccupied with it. Open adoptions with some limits are best too imho.

What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?
I was not a newborn adoption and I am sure that I had reached an age where I had probably called my bmom mama or some derivative. I am sure that I had bonded with her. She had tried to contact me when my aparents were alive and I denied contact. I want to apologize for that. I am really curious if I meet her f2f how it will feel. I wonder if I will feel an overpowering feeling from my toddler years. Will I recognize her voice? It is bound to be interesting.

Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?
I had cousins that always made a big deal about me being adopted and an orphan. It was not mean spirited, just caring kids being kids but it still has an impact. What 4 or 5 year old wants to be labeled as different?
My amom would never discuss my adoption for more than a 15 or 20 seconds. To her it was something that I should never worry about and shouldn't be discussed.
My amom wanted to be sure that my asister and I never fought or bickered over anything after she and my adad died. Years ago I resigned myself that I had no rights to anything after my aparents died. It was self imposed, but I grew up feeling less than a real family member. It wasn't anything that my afamily did, it was just the way that I felt.
My adoption is still a closely held place that no one gets to see fully.

Lastly, please tell your husband to walk in the shoes of an adoptee and see the treatment that we get from the courts when we look to unseal our records or the amount of money, time, and effort that we have to put forth for the smallest of answers. I am sick of filling out forms and getting them notarized. And it seems that everyone wants money to aid in a search including the agency that handled my adoption.

[wishfulthinker]

"Do you believe your parents should have kept the fact that you were adopted from you? "
* Never in a million years. I don't know how anyone could possibly think that it would be ok to do such a thing.

"What reasons do you have for searching for your bmom or bdad? Or why you chose not to?"
* A lot of reasons go into my decision. First of all being that I believe that I, like everyone else, have the right to now where I came from. I have the right to know about my heritage/lineage. I also have the right to know my medical history - not the cliff's notes version from 38 years ago. I am entitle to this information for myself as well as my children. I also decided to search to end my life-long wonderings and know my bparents, as well as end any worries they may have about me. I would like more than anything to be able to sit down with my bparents and let them know that I'm alive and well. I was raised by wonderful parents and am now a productive member of society.

"Why do you think you should have been told you adopted? What age if any do you find is the best to be told?"
* I am entitled to know how I came about. This is my personal story and should be nothing but non-fiction. I raised with the knowledge of being adopted, it has always been a part of who I am. I cannot remember actually being told. My parents were open to conversations about my being adopted which I think is the best way to handle it.

"Do you feel pain as a result of your adoption and why?"
* Let me first answer this question with a simple response: "duh". Wouldn't it hurt you to know that the parents that made me and the mother that carried you and gave birth to you, the people that normally are the ones that love you more than anyone else, gave you away? That's a no-brainer...

[gorilla61701]

Hi! I'm an adoptee, 53 from Ill. I was told I was adopted at the age of 7. I was told the birthparents were killed in a car accident. When I was 14, my brother was 7. Also adopted from a different family/city. I was VERY hurt and STILL remember crying profusely, wondering who they were and where they were buried as I wanted to put flowers on their graves. I got brushed off. Yes I got told I was picked specially from other babies and I did NOT hear that~only that I was NOT theirs. My brother got the same story at 7 and I told him I got told the same story at his age and not to cry. It was too fishy for two sets of parents to be killed in a car accident. At that time I was considering law enforcement as a career and my mind acts(ed) the part! I want to know with all my heart and soul. My brother does NOT want to know. I, on the otherhand, DO want to know. I'm NOT looking for replacement parents as that canNOT be done EVER! I want answers and relief from unanswered questions and thoughts. It was a closed adoption and the cruelest thing PARENTS can do to a child. I was told as an adult who handled the adoption and I knew their representing attorney from childhood. We moved from childhood home when I was 7 and I remember people, places VIVIDLY! I went and got a copy of the birth certificate and original. NOT WITH THE BIRTH PARENTS NAMES, only name of Dr. attending birth and time of birth. two things I didn't know. I remember the Dr. that delivered me as he was adoptive moms Dr. in a neighboring town! HE WAS STILL PRACTICING IN 2001!!!! I went over to talk the Atty. and he told me. (Atty. was retd. I visited his/wifes house, Atty. since died) He and his wife were personal friends of my parents. I remembered the town mom's Dr. was in and I quickly went over there to talk to him. I have a photo taken with him. (COOL) I want to know because it's only natural TO KNOW! I want to know whose eyes, hair, personality, medical questions I have. SIBLINGS! FAMILY! It's ABOUT ME! PERSONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ME! Sure I want to know why I was surrendered, but more importantly who I look like! I **** sure don't want to marry and find out he's my brother or father! You want to read something fascinating on here!? Google names, Steve Barbin, Gary Klahr. Read THEIR story on adoption, it was in a newspaper The Pantagraph, December 27, 2001, OR December 28, 2001. Everything is out in the open nowadays, EXCEPT OUR BIRTHRIGHT! The state of Illinois says I don't have the right to know who MY PARENTS are, but it's okay for me to know who President Clinton sleeps with! And YES I asked that FACE TO FACE TO GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH August 2005 after he increased medical benefits at the Illinois State Fair! The only help he tried to give me was what I already knew/know. The Illinois Midwest Adoption Agency in Des Plaines, Ill who offers an intermediary service. the other option is registering with the Illinois Authorization Of Information with Dept. Of Illinois Bureau Of Records & Vital Statistics. I WANT THIS BARBARIC PRACTICE ON THE FLOOR AT THE STATE CAPITAL AND VOTED ON TO OPEN THESE RECORDS TO HUMAN BEINGS!
I have three sons living and five grandchildren and 4 sons dead. I canNOT provide any medical information to my physicians nor the geneticists! I AM ADOPTED AND DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF! I feel as if I am an amnesia victim and am existing each day, without purpose and not knowing who I am or where I'm going because I DON'T KNOW ME! this is SO frustrating and has caused MUCH depression throughout the last 46 yrs.!
PLEASE ANYONE READING THIS WRITE TO GOVERNOR BLAGOJEVICH IN SPRINGFIELD, ILL. TO THIS THIS ON THE FLOOR FOR A VOTE TO OPEN THESE RECORDS! PLEASE HELP! THANK YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS!