[ReOcB42008]

LOL - DEFINATELY feel like all the above! As for job issues (am currently working temp jobs - feel like a failure as I am 51 and always thought I would be more "with it" - settled at 50!) I'd like to share the following poem that I wrote after going to a work support group where the discussion was about finding happiness by doing what you love. Good luck! PJ
ARE YOU HAPPY – Mary Jo Marvin (birthname)
Thursday, September 20, 2007
"Are you happy?" the speaker asks, starting the talk,
With a wry smile and a sigh, my feelings balk.
What IS "happy", and how do you gain it?
Is it peace? Is it joy? How DO you obtain it?
I HAVE felt love, acceptance, chuckles and grins,
though, to be honest, most sincerely, just with "my" kids.
Around adults, I've tried to be "happy",
though mostly it was an act, felt fake, kind of sappy.
I tried to fit in, follow the rule
Laughed, acted silly, goofy, "acted the fool"
Inside, always felt sad, unsettled, in some Life not my own.
Unhappy at school, at work or at that place some call "Home".
Not sure of who I really am,
Just ran and hid in a tome.
When at one place, yearn for the other,
when at THAT place, feel a need to be another!
The exercise is supposed to help find your perfect task -
mostly it just makes me feel anxious, a failure in the present and past.
Is this just a remnant from being left behind?
For not even mother's true love could I find.
Not kept by one, not wanted by the other.
I THOUGHT love was SUPPOSED to be "Mother"!
Now, I am reaching the age of "Middle"
why do I feel like a bow searching for it's fiddle?
Not part of a family, between jobs, no money -
"Are you happy?" seems so unanswerable to be not even be funny!

[Chamorrita]

PJ. Loved the poem. A great way of expressing what we think and feel. From reading the posts on this thread I believe we as adoptee's have accomplished a lot by knowing and expressing how we feel. It validates those who have felt like they were going crazy and gives insight to those that do not understand us. We have been through suffering and still will endure more. Yet we stay positive. We have the strength of real warriors. Knowing this i feel better about myself and that I can accomplish my goal of knowing what I want. Until then I am going to enjoy the journey until I get there. Thank you Jazzdrummer for getting it started.

[jazzdrummer]

bumpity bump

[kristinleighstephens]

You're not the only one (but you knew that, didn't you?!). I'm revisiting my "issues" at 40 y.o. AFTER successful "search & find" of my bio-parents. Have you tried searching? The funny thing about it is, it's like the adoption mentality all over again. Like, "oh, well you found them now and they're cool ... so you're all better now RIGHT?". Not that simple. Anyhoo, I've read all the books too. Yeah, I get it, what the issues are, how they came to be, etc. How do I FIX ME now?! I just joined today so write back if you want! I like the "real person" thing too ...

[3totally]

This thread has cheered me up. I love Janeytwo's friggin ghost and I know what she means. You can never get away from this stuff. I'm seeing an adoption support worker at the moment and I cry every time I see her. I'm in touch with my birth family but I'm not ready to meet them yet. It's hard and all this delving into the past makes you feel bad and alone but for me I think it's necessary. The friggin ghost is my constant companion lately.

You are not alone. I would try a support group. I'm going to a meeting on Tuesday - the last one I went to I was the only adoptee there but there should be a few more people this time. Keep reaching out.

[Liz0718]

Originally Posted by Longtimewaiting

Wow, how did you know me so well!! Im not an adoptee, but a birthmother.

Adoption has the potential of "harming" all involved, not just the adoptee.

I am also a birthmother and I absolutely agree, adoption does harm 'most' involved. As a birth parent there is always an emptiness.

[dpen6]

This is for longing to meet you...

This discussion was between adoptees. There is no competition on who has it he "worst" but thereality is that adoption happens TO the adoptee....for everyone else it is more of a periphery...horrible for some I know. But it does no one any good especially the very peole that the mothers profess to love to try to slap them into "getting it right" and making sure the adoptees don't forgot that adoption is not about the adoptees its about the mothers of course!

In my case adoption was good for me.

[BlackSheep]

Originally Posted by jazzdrummer

Am I the only adlut adoptee who

1. Is directionless
2. Has always struggled with low-self image
3. Lacks confidence
4. Cant decide what to do with my life regarding career
5. Related to #4....when asked "What is your dream job?"....I cant come up with an answer
6. I SUCK at relationships because Im constantly giving other people power....every day, multiple time during the day
7. Marriage is TOUGH....Im a rollercoaster ride to live with....the best husband/dad one minute....a total jerk or absent emotionally the next
8. I dont sleep well....I wake up obsessing about things
9. Ive dealt with depression, anger, anxiety all my life
10. I dont know if God is there and when I think about God I get the same feeling as when I think about my supposed birthmother/father....I mean...I know I HAD a mother and father othewise I wouldnt exist.....but I have no concept of them...same with God....part of me realizes I have faith He exist..but I havent seen Him......

Ive read the "top" 4 books on adoption....they helped a little....but hearing from real people is better.

Im thinking joining a support group would probably be helpful but there is none in my town and with a job, being a musician, having a wife and two teenagers...traveling to a support group is going to be hard.

This thread was started just before I found and joined this web site. I am glad that I came across it now.

I have to say that I feel the same way jazzdrummer, just from the feminine view. I am now 46 yo and had never associated anything in my life to being adopted, or not ever dealing with my adoption in my life. Oh, I knew that I was "different", but never thought that it may impact my life the way that I now know it has. Once I made that connection, I started to work through all the "issues" that I now recognize and have also found are predominant among the adoptee population (and my amom just told me as long as I can remember that I was different and what was wrong with me?)

Through the journey of my darkness over the last years, I have come to discover that God is the one that is actually guiding my steps. It has been a long, hard road, but in my discovering of myself down deep, I have found that my faith has grown.

PJ, I wanted to say that I love the poem you wrote. The line about what is happy and how do you obtain it resonates within my soul. I even told my husband last summer that I couldn't remember what "happy" feels like or that I could ever honestly say that I had experienced pure joy at anything in my life. I just don't really "know" what they "feel" like.

Talking really helps-can't say that the anti-depressants haven't helped too, but...guess I just wanted to chime in too and let you know that, no, you are not alone. BTW, I am a musician too. I play violin, F horn and piano--my husband and son are the drummers in my household.

[jazzdrummer]

Great stuff everyone.

[jazzdrummer]

My birthday was yesterday.

I hate my birthdays.

I turned 45.

No party, no friends, just me and my daughter, her concert....

I need to change this. I need to CELEBRATE my birthday.

My goal is to have a great party next year....to make it a positive not negative...

and of course its followed only 3 days later by Mother's day....my next worse holiday...

I know its just my attitude mostly...

[kristinleighstephens]

Sending you well wishes and good thoughts. Don't beat yourself up about "attitude". We adoptees do have different feelings to work through on birthdays and mother's day. Just don't let it be everything. I used to write long, feeling sorry for myself letters to my birthmother on my birthday (after some drinks, of course). Then I'd want to rip the pages out of my journal because I was so mad at myself for feeling sorry for myself. Anyway, I'm feeling for you and wish you some genuine smiles ...

[Chamorrita]

Hey Jazzdrummer,

Hanging in there ok?

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by jazzdrummer

Am I the only adlut adoptee who

1. Is directionless
2. Has always struggled with low-self image
3. Lacks confidence
4. Cant decide what to do with my life regarding career
5. Related to #4....when asked "What is your dream job?"....I cant come up with an answer
6. I SUCK at relationships because Im constantly giving other people power....every day, multiple time during the day
7. Marriage is TOUGH....Im a rollercoaster ride to live with....the best husband/dad one minute....a total jerk or absent emotionally the next
8. I dont sleep well....I wake up obsessing about things
9. Ive dealt with depression, anger, anxiety all my life
10. I dont know if God is there and when I think about God I get the same feeling as when I think about my supposed birthmother/father....I mean...I know I HAD a mother and father othewise I wouldnt exist.....but I have no concept of them...same with God....part of me realizes I have faith He exist..but I havent seen Him......

Ive read the "top" 4 books on adoption....they helped a little....but hearing from real people is better.

Im thinking joining a support group would probably be helpful but there is none in my town and with a job, being a musician, having a wife and two teenagers...traveling to a support group is going to be hard.

I know exactly how you feel, Jazzdrummer, and here's how I dealt with it.... but keep in mind, I was not adopted. I am an adult survivor of child abuse (physical, emotional, and sexual) until I left home at age 17. You were adopted, no-one ever wanted me. You may have moved around a lot, whereas I had one 'home' so at least consistency..... differences, but the basic lack of bonding to a biological parent cause is the same.

First... counselling and lots of it. Counselling alone, marriage counselling to keep things healthy between you and your spouse, Family counselling if you have kids together to let the kids in on this as well. It works. It helps. We still touch base with our marriage counsellor on a yearly basis just to make sure we stay headed in the right direction.

Second... take the reins of your life. Make the decision for yourself... do you want to let the woes of your youth determine the path of your future? I chose to take control, stop looking backwards and only look forward.

Third... skydive. Well, that may not be the 'thing' that works for you, but it worked for me and many of my students. Nothing builds confidence in yourself like throwing yourself out of a plane on a regular basis and saving your own life. I was socially backwards and extremely shy and that turned around 100% due to jumping.

God/religion is something very personal to you, and is something that should be in your heart. Personally, I don't believe in a fat toga-clad white guy on a cloud, that never meshed with my psyche. I do believe that all living things are linked, and as such, we need to take care of and love each other... that includes the planet, bugs, whatever. I believe in karma. But that's just me... your belief system may evolve differently, and that's perfectly well and good too. The beauty of humans is that we are all so different, yet so much the same all at the same time.

[BethVA62]

some wise old guy gave me a button/pin thing when I completed some death defying outdoor adventure that I cannot remember now to save my neck.

I didn't really get it at the time
but it's caught and held my curiosity
so I hung it in my bathroom
Saw it everyday, but could never really grasp it's meaning completely, even tho it sounds pretty simple.

about 10 years later.. I got it, maybe for a few brief minutes, then it faded, but I get it and believe it every now and then

Not sure how to explain it, but it says:

"I am my only possibility of becoming myself"

I still read it everyday, and it still sort of confuses me LOL
but it gives me Power

Ditto on the top 10

Jill of many trades, master of none

[3totally]

You cheered me up peregrine rose. 'stop looking backwards and only look forwards.'

I'm seeing an adoption support counsellor and I asked her for feedback this week. She said I was fragile and probably depressed, maybe had been depressed for a long time. I'm supposed to be working towards a reunion with my birthparents but she said she wasn't sure if I should do it at all. Funnily enough the next day I felt almost cheerful that it wasn't just me who thought I was depressed. I've made an appointment with my doctor to talk about it - again.

Anyway I'm fed up with the past, thinking about people's motives, what they did, what they didn't do, how I feel about it. How do I feel about it?

Miserable!

I've decided to forget about the whole thing for now. I need to get well first - and it won't involve skydiving!