[Chamorrita]

Jazzdrummer, I agree with gatorb8. You have to look at the positives and focus on that. And take one day at a time. The smile on my kids faces when they are excited about something is something i think about to get me through my day. Sometimes just the fact that it's a sunny day leads me to believe that it is going to be a good day. There are times that I have to break my day down to getting through the morning, then the afternoon and finally the evening. If you consistently make the effort to focus on the positive it will become a habit and maybe then you will see the positive vision. When you stay positive you notice the positive things in you and others.

[birdman3607]

Jazzdrummer,

I feel the same way that you do. The only exception is my relationship with God. I know that God is here with me always and that I must have faith in him because that is all I have other than his word.
That being said, I am 32 years old and was adopted shortly after birth. I have a sister whom was adopted from a different family and another one my A parents had on their own. I am the oldest.
I started looking for my birth parents a year ago and then stopped. I don't know why I stopped, I guess I felt bad that I was looking and things with my A parents got better for a bit and just did. I just today started again. I truly believe that much of my life is left empty feeling because I know that I am an outsider in my family. My youngest sister, their only, was born when I was still young. My A parents did not think that they could have kids until this. I have always as long as I can remember, felt empty though. As the years went by, I started to see clearly that I was being put aside and treated differently. I even went to my A parents to get answers and was told that it was not that way. I don't want to give examples because they really are insignificant.
You are not alone though. I got married at 18 thinking that it would help me to be on my own. I was in love with my wife. I had three beautiful children from my marriage. The marriage did not last though and I had to move back in with my A parents.
I feel lost. As my life goes on, I have more questions. I was lucky enough to be adopted by a middle income family, yet I still feel poor, alone, afraid and at times angry. I am at the point now to where I feel like my A parents should not have to provide for me anymore. I don't think anyone except myself should. So I am looking for a way out and also some answers, which is why I would like to speak to my birth parents. I feel like maybe that will help me to feel more complete and allow me to take the chains off that have burdened me once some simple questions have been answered.
Anyway, enough for now. I was not trying to go on about my personal feelings. Is this about how you feel though? Have you tried contacting your birth parents or would you want to? I hope that things get better for you. God loves you and you are not alone my friend. I am glad that I have found you on here. Even though I really do hope that you get to feeling better and understanding, it is nice to share feelings with someone who can relate.
Oh yeah, I played drums from 3rd grade till I graduated from high school. I never did play a drum set though.

Tommy

[jazzdrummer]

Thanks.
Im angry about a lot things.
Just reading your statement..."I know I must have faith in HIM because that is all I have other than HIS word"......makes me angry at God a little.

I have NO relationship with my A-parents that is worth talking about. Its almost like Im an orphan twice over....

At this point there ARE positives in my life and things that are great....

I also believe there are some REAL negatives.

Considering my background..Im doing great...and its easy to fall into the pattern of focusing on those negatives...

Ill say that again...

its EASY (for anyone in my situation) to fall into the habit of focusing on the negatives...

So my challenge is being positive...but Im alone...

The idea of a support group is really becoming intruiging to me...

I did a search and there isnt anything close to me at this point.

I guess knowing others have similar issues makes me feel validated but as I read these post Im realizing I need contact with REAL people in the FLESH...

The internet (for me) can be a intimacy and relationship counterfeit if you know what I mean.

I hope YOUR situation works out better. It sounds like the break-up of your marriage, living home, etc...that is HARD.....but you also have some encouragement...

Hang in there with me.

Originally Posted by birdman3607

Jazzdrummer,

I feel the same way that you do. The only exception is my relationship with God. I know that God is here with me always and that I must have faith in him because that is all I have other than his word.
That being said, I am 32 years old and was adopted shortly after birth. I have a sister whom was adopted from a different family and another one my A parents had on their own. I am the oldest.
I started looking for my birth parents a year ago and then stopped. I don't know why I stopped, I guess I felt bad that I was looking and things with my A parents got better for a bit and just did. I just today started again. I truly believe that much of my life is left empty feeling because I know that I am an outsider in my family. My youngest sister, their only, was born when I was still young. My A parents did not think that they could have kids until this. I have always as long as I can remember, felt empty though. As the years went by, I started to see clearly that I was being put aside and treated differently. I even went to my A parents to get answers and was told that it was not that way. I don't want to give examples because they really are insignificant.
You are not alone though. I got married at 18 thinking that it would help me to be on my own. I was in love with my wife. I had three beautiful children from my marriage. The marriage did not last though and I had to move back in with my A parents.
I feel lost. As my life goes on, I have more questions. I was lucky enough to be adopted by a middle income family, yet I still feel poor, alone, afraid and at times angry. I am at the point now to where I feel like my A parents should not have to provide for me anymore. I don't think anyone except myself should. So I am looking for a way out and also some answers, which is why I would like to speak to my birth parents. I feel like maybe that will help me to feel more complete and allow me to take the chains off that have burdened me once some simple questions have been answered.
Anyway, enough for now. I was not trying to go on about my personal feelings. Is this about how you feel though? Have you tried contacting your birth parents or would you want to? I hope that things get better for you. God loves you and you are not alone my friend. I am glad that I have found you on here. Even though I really do hope that you get to feeling better and understanding, it is nice to share feelings with someone who can relate.
Oh yeah, I played drums from 3rd grade till I graduated from high school. I never did play a drum set though.

Tommy

[cksmom]

I have followed this thread with interest and have hesitated in participating. I am an adult adoptee, age 39 but honestly, I never felt like my adoption defined me or had a huge negative impact on me. My a-brother on the other hand could identify with your list as could many others.

I guess I have always been a glass-half-full type of person. My a-dad was VERY pesimestic and negative and I couldn't stand it. As I got older, we really butted heads about this. nobody had ever called him out on it until me. I did it respectfully and had the self-confidence to confront him He respected me for it. Focusing on negative WILL get to you. I truly believe that is what eventually killed him by age 69. You cannot do that. I can sit here and list out for you all the reasons why I could be depressed. There are many reasons but I CHOOSE not to focus on the bad stuff and I do all I can to turn the bad around. For example, my 5 year old son was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago. he is non-verbal and we may never have a conversation with him. Sad but a very real possibility. But I choose not to think like that. We are doing everything humanly and medically possible to HELP him. That takes the focus off the sad reality and turns it positive with a purpose.

Now, I found my bmom last August. At first she was happy and wanted to get to know me and then after a month she decided she couldn't. It hurts but I have come to understand through this forum and adoption related blogs and books, this is HER issue and has nothing to do with me as a person. Finding her was great and I wouldn't change searching or finding her. It has answered some questions but I have learned more about ME from me not her. I could take this as rejection but I CHOOSE to see this as her issue with her pain, shame, guilt etc. Really it has nothing to do with me.

bad things and situations happen to all of us. I choose to be positive, happy and productive and not let any situation or person control how I feel. I have been with my husband for 19 years. I don't make him responsible for my happiness. That only sets up a marriage for failure in my opinion. Only you are responsible for your happiness and you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound preachy. Adoption is a big part of who we are but does not define us. Many people that grew up with their bio-parents have many of the same issues. I only mean to say Choose your destiny and happiness.

[jazzdrummer]

Originally Posted by cksmom

I have followed this thread with interest and have hesitated in participating. I am an adult adoptee, age 39 but honestly, I never felt like my adoption defined me or had a huge negative impact on me. My a-brother on the other hand could identify with your list as could many others.

I guess I have always been a glass-half-full type of person. My a-dad was VERY pesimestic and negative and I couldn't stand it. As I got older, we really butted heads about this. nobody had ever called him out on it until me. I did it respectfully and had the self-confidence to confront him He respected me for it. Focusing on negative WILL get to you. I truly believe that is what eventually killed him by age 69. You cannot do that. I can sit here and list out for you all the reasons why I could be depressed. There are many reasons but I CHOOSE not to focus on the bad stuff and I do all I can to turn the bad around. For example, my 5 year old son was diagnosed with Autism 2 years ago. he is non-verbal and we may never have a conversation with him. Sad but a very real possibility. But I choose not to think like that. We are doing everything humanly and medically possible to HELP him. That takes the focus off the sad reality and turns it positive with a purpose.

Now, I found my bmom last August. At first she was happy and wanted to get to know me and then after a month she decided she couldn't. It hurts but I have come to understand through this forum and adoption related blogs and books, this is HER issue and has nothing to do with me as a person. Finding her was great and I wouldn't change searching or finding her. It has answered some questions but I have learned more about ME from me not her. I could take this as rejection but I CHOOSE to see this as her issue with her pain, shame, guilt etc. Really it has nothing to do with me.

bad things and situations happen to all of us. I choose to be positive, happy and productive and not let any situation or person control how I feel. I have been with my husband for 19 years. I don't make him responsible for my happiness. That only sets up a marriage for failure in my opinion. Only you are responsible for your happiness and you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy. I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound preachy. Adoption is a big part of who we are but does not define us. Many people that grew up with their bio-parents have many of the same issues. I only mean to say Choose your destiny and happiness.

Thanks for sharing this.
I dont think IM choosing to be unhappy, when Im unhappy....but I would LOVE to be proven wrong

[cksmom]

I don't think you are choosing to be unhappy either. However, you CAN choose to be happy. It does take effort to be positive and happy.

[Janeytwo]

Dear Jazzdrummer,
I’ve been reading everyone’s thoughtful responses to your most excellent thread.

To be honest at first I thought, “Well, this is an adoptee thing and I’ve got no right being in the middle of it”.

But I’ve re-thought myself.

Because see...I guess that many of us at some point have so desperately wanted to believe that adoption hasn’t shadowed our lives. I'm certainly guilty of that delusion.

Welp...first of all... that line? That “forget and go on and adjust and be happy”? That’s the mantra of the Closed Era and all the brutal lies, judgment and sorrow it cultivated.

Adoption is a defining moment in the life of people here; in your life; in mine; in whoever else is reading this psychobabble reply I’m sending.

And yeah, I get it. I understand implicitly that experience isn’t what happens to us, it’s what we do with what happens to us.

Most definitely.

But first... before a person can reach that point...first they have to know that they’re in pain. First they have to consciously be aware that there’s a problem; that something is wrong and that they don’t have a clue how to fix it. That right there; that not having a clue?

There’s no shame in that IMO. For myself, I had to be lost, confused and dang near dead from drowning before I began to see the truth of things.

You know what “Jazz”? You’re doing all right.

Okay...So you’re idling at the on-ramp, pounding your fists on the steering wheel screaming, “WTF!!!?” You’re trying to merge into traffic; trying to figure out what lane you belong in; trying to figure out where the heck you’re going next; trying to see the signs ahead hoping they're legitimate and not just B.S. graffiti some clown painted on the overpass on a bet.

It’s okay to be there. This stuff is hard; as hard as anything gets.

Keep talking! You've got a lot to say and it's all worth listening to.

[jazzdrummer]

Thanks.
That made me feel .......great.
I am just recently re-reading "Coming Home To Self" agian and one of the things the book is reminding me of is that ....I DO have a past that has caused harm.

Not only my adoption but my a-mom and father did NOT do the best job considering. As a matter of fact they made some classic "mistakes"....did some things you shouldnt do with adopted kids.

I suppose eventually I can put this stuff behind me but ....at this point I have some thinking that I realize has been embedded in infancy and childhood then unfortunately re-inforced in my teen years....

In my work and in my community there are A LOT of opportunities for me to "fail"...and I have....

On the other hand, I married a GREAT women, I have a couple INCREDIBLE kids.....and as a close friend said to me a few weeks ago..."Given all your background its amazing that you have been as successful, gifted, and blessed as you have been"

So I realize that one of my first steps is to focus on what I DO have and not on what I dont have, or could have had, or "should" have. Ive become an expert at examining and obsessing over part of the glass that is half empty....losing the chance to savor and enjoy the part of the glass that is half full.

[Janeytwo]

Hey Jazzdrummer!

I suppose eventually I can put this stuff behind me but ....at this point I have some thinking that I realize has been embedded in infancy and childhood then unfortunately re-inforced in my teen years....

IMHO, "eventually" is the operative word. (That statement not meant to sound sarcastic in any way). See for me, I played this game of, "Okay I've acknowledge that this happened. Now I'll put it away in a little box marked "past" and stuff it in a cupboard to molder forgotten and unopened.

I don't beat myself up about that anymore though. I ain't the only one who's done that. I think somewhere along the line we've all been taught to pray that the skeletons in our closets will turn to dust and then we can skip along like Disney cartoon characters....skip along to the closet...whistling while we work at sweeping up the embarrassing detritus. Bad stuff all gone!! I'm shiney and white now!!

Yeah except that the skeleton transforms itself into a friggin ghost that haunts us in the dead of night when the world is still and all we've got between us and our painful memories is a set of gritted teeth that we bite down on in misery and confusion. That's when the ghost comes calling.

The only way for me to exercise that poltergeist is to do what you're doing; admit it exists; grieve its message; welcome it as part my history and then "eventually" (there's that word again- LOL!) count my blessings and embrace a new day.

It's just that that takes time but what else can a body do?

Make the Buddha walk with you as you refill that half-empty glass my friend!

[markinlonestar]

Originally Posted by jazzdrummer

Thanks.
Im angry about a lot things.
Just reading your statement..."I know I must have faith in HIM because that is all I have other than HIS word"......makes me angry at God a little.

I have NO relationship with my A-parents that is worth talking about. Its almost like Im an orphan twice over....

At this point there ARE positives in my life and things that are great....

I also believe there are some REAL negatives.

Considering my background..Im doing great...and its easy to fall into the pattern of focusing on those negatives...

Ill say that again...

its EASY (for anyone in my situation) to fall into the habit of focusing on the negatives...

So my challenge is being positive...but Im alone...

The idea of a support group is really becoming intruiging to me...

I did a search and there isnt anything close to me at this point.

I guess knowing others have similar issues makes me feel validated but as I read these post Im realizing I need contact with REAL people in the FLESH...

The internet (for me) can be a intimacy and relationship counterfeit if you know what I mean.

I hope YOUR situation works out better. It sounds like the break-up of your marriage, living home, etc...that is HARD.....but you also have some encouragement...

Hang in there with me.

Jazzdrummer,

This is my first post. I have followed this thread and seen what everyone has to say. I am like you (twice orphaned). My amother actually despises me. I just recently had to admit that to myself. My bmother is a drug addict and I know her and she is incapable of a relationship. I identify completely with your whole list of issues that your going through that started this post except I hate not being in control because I am so insecure I feel like I HAVE to be in control. I got online today searching desperately for answers to my insecurities, lack of confidence, anger, depression, attachment problems in relationships, and a whole host of other issues that have led me to search out this matter, and found this website. I am 35 and also married to an awsome woman of God who graciously and patiently bears with all of my shortcomings. Just knowing others feel exactly the same way I feel is in some way comforting but is not the complete solution. I am a born again Christian on fire for Jesus Christ and freed from drug addiction.This year I have come to realize how devastating this loss has been to my soul. This whole being given up by bmother thing has dealt me a much greater blow than I ever knew. I have sought the Holy Spirit daily for counsel because He is the mighty counselor for the solution to all these tangled up soul problems. THIS IS A PROCESS. PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP AND GIVE INTO DISCOURAGEMENT. "Sorrow last for the night but joy comes in the morning" The only thing I can tell you is what I am doing. I refuse to stop seeking God until I am healed. He is my healer. I will also get therapy from counselors and therapists, do online forums, talk with my pastor, read books, and pray, pray, pray. If I have to fly to another state to find a therapist that is familiar with adult adoption issues I will and I don't have a lot of money but I don't care the costs. I am going to hit this from all angles. I must have relief or I would rather die and go on to be with Jesus than stay this way. But I will not give up my hope and neither should you or anyone else who is reading this. As long as there is God there is hope. Show due diligence in seeking Him as much as possible. If Jesus could heal that crazy man at the gadarenes full of demons and emotional bondage surely He can heal us from our imcompleteness due to rejection from bparents and even rejection from aparents.

[my58paradise]

just wanted to say; hang in there. im adopted too. also a drummer but, female. i know exactly how you feel..unconnected. how does your adoptive parents feel about you talking with them? I am new to all of this post stuff. hope you get this. hang in there with religion too. it will come...we adoptees are much stronger than you think. don't give up on God. he knows..believe me, he knows.

[my58paradise]

jazzdrummer...you know what really has helped me? You are not gonna believe this...i mean it really...you are not gonna believe this but, i bought a little tiny baby potbelly pig. i can talk to him and he even acts like he listens. i tell him EVERYTHING and he is like talking to a therapist or something. I can go down and see him and he makes me laugh when i am soooo far down...this may or may not help you but, you just wouldnt believe the therapy i get out of this one little animal..i bottle fed him when he was just a tiny piglet and now he is full-grown and completely treats me as if i were his mom...you won't believe the loyalty that a piggy can give. he loves other people and is okay with them but, makes it sooo very obvious that i am number 1 to him. i don't know about other pets being that way but, just thought i might offer a suggestion. if you can do it, you would love the attention, love and all around loyalty that one will give to you. just a suggestion...may be silly but, i have heard how therapeutic pets can be and i sure wouldnt take anything for my pet Pignewton.

[jazzdrummer]

my58paradise.

Thanks. Thats cool that you are a girl drummer and have a pig. If I wasnt married I would ask you for a date

I have done a little thinking agian...and talking to a good friend who is a dad, husband, Christian, drummer and a good listener.

You know my a-mom and a-dad...Im REALLY distant from them and not totally because I want to be. It would be safe to say Ive been "abandoned" twice in my life...

I have kids know and my parents really have not lifted a finger to get to know them either. They only live 1.5 hours away and my mother in law who lives 6 hours away has been to our house to visit more than my parents!

My mother expects ME to call home every week and come and visit THEM....while my mother in law calls once a week.

My mother eventually calls and its like "Well, I havent heard from you"....Those are the first words out of her mouth...not "how are you and I miss you"

I could go on. My wife is just as sad and frustrated for me as well.

I called the other day and the first words out of my mothers mouth were..."Wow, Im surprised you called"

My friend said its amazing Im doing so well in life considering all of this.

I think there is a BALANCE between acknowledging that I have REAL pain, anger, and legitimate angst while at the same time not letting it control my life and using it as an excuse.

The thing is I have good days and bad days. I probably have more bad days than good...probably, 65%-35% or 60%-40%.....

My goal is to always up the good day percentage.

I work out at the gym a lot. For 45 Im in really good shape...lifting weights, doing aerobics 5-6 times a week. My diet is way above average but I love BEER.

I play music with professionals and college professors even though I have a day gig so I am thankful for that.

I DO wish there was a magic PILL that I could take that would make me feel
1. Grounded
2. Focused
3. Confident
4. Purpose Driven
5. Full of Positive Energy

Ive done the Born Agian Christian thing. REALLY got deep into it...but ....wow...Im SO far from that now....
I havent given up...but Im CONFUSED....

There is a direct relationship between the feeling/thoughts I have about my birthparents and God...namely....do they really exist?

[margret2]

After 52 years SOMEONE finally has wrote down, listed....ME! Thank you! If I printed this and showed it to my husband he would be amazed that you know me so well! WE are NOT alone!

[jazzdrummer]

Wow. Im beginning to feel that my posts is meaningful to many people. I guess that makes me have a sense of purpose and that Im not so special.

Im learning that I need to focus on the positives in my life because Ive been obsessing over the negatives.

Everyone has negatives and positives its just a matter of the focus.

I recently went on a diet, stopped drinking beer in the house, and limited my internet time to 15-30 minutes maximum at home. Im hoping these positive changes can help me feel better about how I spend my time.

Hang in there everyone....I am.....