[Jo Ellen]

I am an adoptee and can say I have experienced everything on the list at one time or another in my life. To answer your question you are not alone with these issues. Sad to say but from talking with other adoptees many have experienced the same as well.

[jazzdrummer]

Well, it feels good to know Im not alone.

But...how do I go from that 30 second feeling good to actually making some progress on these issues?

Also, Im dying for relationship with someone who understands me.

My wife is a great person, giving, caring, understanding, patient, ....she is should get an A+ 100 for dealing with me....but....

It would be great to be able to talk more to one of you who posted in this thread.

I know no one has answers...maybe there are none....

Well, wait....no it would be great and inpirational if someone wrote...

"I used to feel exactly like you jazzdrummer ....here is how I got "better".........

Im 44 and am getting overwhelmed that I have to spend the rest of my life like this....its getting old...real old...real fast....

[AngelofAdoption]

I can't say that I have gotten "better," but I am better at living life now than I was just a few months ago. I read a couple of books that changed my life. "Yesterday I Cried" and "In the Meantime" both by Iyanla Vanzant. I can't begin to describe the books especially with such limited space, but please know that they changed my life in regards to some of the items you mentioned. They are not specifically about adoption, but they hit on all of the core issues we as adoptees have--with a spiritual twist. Please let me know if you pursue reading them--and what you think.

~A

[Chamorrita]

Read your original thread. It does describe me to a "T" as well. I'm glad you were able to express it in words. That is one of my greatest struggles as an adoptee. So thanx. Sorry to hear that marriage is not going well. If it's any consolation, you are not alone there either. My husband and I are separated. No sex in 10 months. I am the one pushing him away and I can't seem to stop. As far as work I think I like what I do but, I stumbled on to it. It was never the plan. Not that there was a plan. I'm glad you are closer to God. I know he is there somewhere. I just can't figure out where. So you seem to be a couple of steps ahead of me. So keep pushing along and hopefully I will catch up to you.

[jazzdrummer]

Thanks to both of you.

Im a sensitive, musician, athlete, kind of guy.
I know I can express myself...that is something Im good at, it also gets me in trouble when you need to do the mundane day to day task, and not be affected by others attitudes and feelings towards you.

Im in a dark, lonely place...as my coming to an internet forum and opening up shows...

Its seems Im never grounded....being present in the moment....I miss out on enjoying life in the present...Im either angry and sad about the past or stressed and fearing the future...

There ARE moments though when I get lost and am full of joy....I hope some day those can be the norm and not the exception....

Its is ALL because Im adopted? I doubt it. Im sure a lot has to do with the way my A-parents parented (or didnt parent)....

Part of me wants to leave the marriage just so my wife can find a guy who will love and cheris her 24/7 and also is not depressed and angry and on the emotional rollacoaster that Im on.

Its hard to be married to me....but is that because of ME or because I should have married someone else?

Thats the place Im in right now.

Same with career.....

Is it ME or did I make the wrong career choice?

[Chamorrita]

Hey Jazzdrummer do you ever think that what it is you are truly looking for cannot be found in your marriage or your career? And that maybe your depression and anger is your frustration of giving your best effort to these things but still not able to make that connection you had hope for. The connection that tells you that you belong with this person and you belong doing this career. I use to look for that connection from my marriage and career but never found it. One day I realized that what I was looking for was not in the places I looking. Because we are adopted. I'm not sure if we will ever feel that connection of belonging Wherever we are or whatever we do. I guess that where God is supposed to come in and make that connection. That hasn't happened for me. But maybe for you it will if it doesn't already. Just something to consider.

[jazzdrummer]

Originally Posted by Chamorrita

Hey Jazzdrummer do you ever think that what it is you are truly looking for cannot be found in your marriage or your career? And that maybe your depression and anger is your frustration of giving your best effort to these things but still not able to make that connection you had hope for. The connection that tells you that you belong with this person and you belong doing this career. I use to look for that connection from my marriage and career but never found it. One day I realized that what I was looking for was not in the places I looking. Because we are adopted. I'm not sure if we will ever feel that connection of belonging Wherever we are or whatever we do. I guess that where God is supposed to come in and make that connection. That hasn't happened for me. But maybe for you it will if it doesn't already. Just something to consider.

Been there done that. But maybe I did it WRONG?
I have no answers. I guess that is the point.
I became a "Born Agian" Christian in college.
But....Ive really struggled with ...."Is God really there"
Hard to have faith if you dont know if God is there.

Things seem to be unraveling not getting better.
I should be in the prime of life at 44 NOT the worst part of life.....

Its ugly.....Im hoping it gets better and not worse.

[gatorb8]

You dear man. I only have a few minutes but I will be back on Monday. You cannot look for your happiness in a musical note, in a job or in your wife's eyes...you have got to FIRST find the happiness within your soul. Yep, I am an adoptee-let me get down to the nuts & bolts...my bio Mom shot herself and 4 months later my bio Dad did the same. They had not seen eachother for years so it is not like they planned this...Remember, what don't kill YOU will make you stronger. I could through me a big old pitty party about my past...you cry, scream and you get over it-YOU have to control the urge to feel worthless, pick yourself up, look in that mirror and say "**** I look good today!" You do not have to deny you have issues, you just have to be the MASTER of them...it's NOT easy...I know, I have walked through the fires of my own hell. But sweety, You finding YOU is between you and your maker. But understand, Christ is our guide-don't get pissed at him if he doesn't deliver what YOU ask for...he helps those who help themselves. Get behind the wheel and "drive it like you stole it" baby...once this life come to the old crash & burn, it truly IS all over but the singing!

[jazzdrummer]

Well, that was an interesting post.
I think I understand what you just wrote.....
okay, I dont really....
please elaborate on Monday, that would be great.

[gatorb8]

Good Monday, I am back. On my post you stated you thought your understood but then again you didn't.
What parts don't come together for you? I guess in a nut shell (so to speak) YOU are the driver's seat of your life - you can not seek your destination (happiness) from your 'passengers' who may be your wife, your career, your music...you are the ONLY one that has the directions to where you are going (with the grace of God). You'll have accidents, fenderbenders & u-turns BUT you gotta get past all that (life's struggles) learn from what happened and keep on trucking! Why do you let your adoption be shuch a road block in your life? I assume this was many years ago...why do you feel you can't get past it? or have I missed that point?

[jazzdrummer]

Originally Posted by gatorb8

Good Monday, I am back. On my post you stated you thought your understood but then again you didn't.
What parts don't come together for you? I guess in a nut shell (so to speak) YOU are the driver's seat of your life - you can not seek your destination (happiness) from your 'passengers' who may be your wife, your career, your music...you are the ONLY one that has the directions to where you are going (with the grace of God). You'll have accidents, fenderbenders & u-turns BUT you gotta get past all that (life's struggles) learn from what happened and keep on trucking! Why do you let your adoption be shuch a road block in your life? I assume this was many years ago...why do you feel you can't get past it? or have I missed that point?

I dont know if Im letting my adoption be such a road block in your life? I posted with my "symptoms" and wanted to see if other adopted people could relate. Ive read things that made me say.."its seems there is some correlation to being adopted and stuggling with issues x, y, and Z....there seems to be a pattern.

I dont wake up in the morning going..."Jeez, my adoption is the reason Im so sad".....it from not making progress on these areas that ive tried

1. Medications- 3-4 different antidepressants with no luck and negative results
2. Therapy - Family Systems, Christian, Behavior Mod, etc.. - with no luck and negative results
3. LOTS of excersise - its DOES help me to reduce stress and feel relaxed.....for about 1 hour a day. The other 23 hours are rough
4. Alcohol - ....in moderation it helps. When I "binge" it makes things worse


Yeah. So if IM in the driver's seat...where does that leave GOD?
Being in the driver's seat....I don't know how to do that.

I lack a vision, a passion, a purpose that I can really believe in.....
Im moody, depressed, and aimless.

Ive read all the positive thinking books and the "take control of your destiny" books and the stop blaming others books, ........Ive READ all that stuff...but when I try to apply the stuff.....it doesnt work like in the books....

I dont get it.

[-maggie]

Jazzdrummer - Have you tried attending a Triad Support Group?

I am not an adoptee, however the adoptees in my group have been able to deal with a lot of their issues. It has helped them tremendously.

I highly recommend it if you haven't tried it already!

[jazzdrummer]

Maggie, Ive never heard of a Triad Support Group.

Ill research it.

[gatorb8]

Ok darlin' First - In the car, house, any and every where GOD is in your heart!
I take anti-depressants...It took me over a year to get my meds right. Man that was a tought time!
I went to theropists-several...the ones I found were NUTS! I discovered that talking about 'things' over and over was like picking a scab off a "bo-bo"...it will never heal if ya don't quit piking at it!
Throw those stupid books out the window, follow your positive feelings.
Honey, your vision should be to take one day at a time...
before ya know it-BAM! God will knock you in the head with his calling for your life.
You gotta look at the half full glass, I try to find something funny in everything that happens to me.
As for "getting it" - you will waste your life trying. There is NO book, theropist, or spell that has that answer. Stay with your positive side, bet he is alot more fun than you think!

[gatorb8]

Birthmom, Not every adoption turns out 'harmful'. Yes, adoption does touch all who are involved-but it is how the people involved HANDLE it. Do not worry about your child. I was adopted, my a-parents brought me out of a bad situation and I feel I would have been dead by now if it were not for them taking care of me.