[zeus]

I have just started to read a book called "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst. Even though I am only on the fith chapter it has opened my eyes to some of the reasons I am the way I am and how My Loss can benefit me and how to deal with the Losses in my life. I dont know if it will give me all the answers but atleast I am getting somewhere, cause for awhile I wasnt sure I was going to make it through another day without truely understing why I felt the way I feel.
I cant say that Im going to feel good about myself ever but atleast I will have more insight to my personality. Maybe this knowledge will help me deal with the feelings of abandonment, loss, detachment, and rage inside of me.
I dont know how I made it this far in life with the feelings of worthlessness I have had all my life and the neglect from my A-parents. It baffles me to know how ignorant they were and still are. They constantly justify their actions as if their actions were to help me. I dont know what type of parent helps a child by telling them they are worthless and unwanted and then kick them out of their house. They seem to think provideing a roof over our head and feeding us was the only job they had. How stupid can you be? Why would you even want to take on the burden of raiseing a child if you are not going to put the necessary effort into raiseing him?
I remember in school I would do as many sports as possible and when that didnt get their attention I resorted to getting into trouble. Whats sad is that my teachers and guidance counselor new there was something wrong but not my so called parents.
To this day they deny the neglect and constantly priase themselves for the sacrifice they made to raise me. Sacrifice, what sacrifice? I always thought a sacrifice was to give up someting you want to do for the greater good. I guess their concept of sacrifice is to bring a your child to Bars and to Bring Nasty men to your house for you no what.
I truely hope I can learn to accept the lack of parenting skills they had and even forgive them for their ignorance. If I dont learn to do this I will always have a bitterness for them and it will probably ruin me. For those that are reading this and are parents please remember your child is special and they nedd all of your UNCONDITIONAL-LOVE and Apreciation for without that they will not grow to apreciate you. And for the adoptee reading this read the book it might help!!!

[ReOcB42008]

Nick - just remember one thing - It was not YOUR fault! None of the hurtful things your adoptive parents did resulted from anything YOU did - THEY were responsible for it all! You seem to have pulled yourself out of making trouble for yourself (getting into trouble because you were angry) and deserve a better life! I went through alot of crap with my adoptive family (Amother was very abusive and controlling) and am making a new life for myself too, Good luck with yours and don't let them win! Hugs- PJ (MJM-birthname)