[ReOcB42008]

I was raised by an abusive, manipulative, controlling a-"family" and would like to ask a question. How valid is a promise if the person who asks for it is lying about what they will give in return - AND how long should a promise last - especially one that was given in return for a lie? The issue is this -my adoptive a"mother" always told me that my birthmother promised that she would never "interfere" with me after my parents adopted me. In return I'm sure that the a-parents promised that I would have a loving, safe home. I did NOT receive that so am angry that my birthmother seems to be keeping up her end - even though I just turned 50 this February. It makes me angry that she does not join any of the mail or internet reunion groups. I don't want to face rejection by actively trying to search for her (even though I have joined every reunion posting group - mail and internet - that I can find). I wrote this tonight after - AGAIN - trying to explain this to another poster.

THE PROMISE
By Mary Jo Marvin (birthname)

"...she promised that she would never interfere with you." I was told.
My heart cries out "I WANTED you to "interfere" - take me into your fold.
How much is a promise worth, especially when it is over 50 years old?
Should it be kept, even though it turned out to be fake, fool's gold?
It was CONTROL, not love that the promise wrought.
Physical and emotional pain, instead of a loving "Home", was bought.
Never good enough, not even as a maid,
told, you OWE us - for over $500 we PAID!"
I finally grew into myself, broke the chain,
and turned my back on the ones who caused such pain.
Trying to be ME,
though years of conditioning make that very hard to be.
Now, for a 50th year I wait, searching for a sign,
hoping for a REAL promise,
- someone to call me "loved" not "Mine!!!"

[Mothertoo3]

That was a very powerful poem and I just wanted to truly say I am sorry that you did not receive what you deserved. Every child deserves to be loved and taken care of! I hope someday your dreams come true!

Take care!

Ali

[Nicole28]

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Did your biological mother make a verbal promise, or is there legal documentation of some kind that makes your adoption a CLOSED adoption?

I am beginning to come to term with the reality that my biological mother is most likely not searching for me, and she probably never will. I don't like knowing this, of course, but is a step towards moving past a lot of the hurt and trying to heal.

To some, "their word is their bond," you know? A verbal promise is as good as a binding, legal document. I can't imagine that the only statement regarding your adoption was made verbally in the form of a "promise," so I wonder if there was more to it - some kind of signed, legal document regarding the privacy of your biological mother perhaps.

I hope that you can heal - maybe writing is like therapy for you? I keep a journal and I know that writing can often help.

[ReOcB42008]

Originally Posted by Nicole28

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

Did your biological mother make a verbal promise, or is there legal documentation of some kind that makes your adoption a CLOSED adoption?

I am beginning to come to term with the reality that my biological mother is most likely not searching for me, and she probably never will. I don't like knowing this, of course, but is a step towards moving past a lot of the hurt and trying to heal.

To some, "their word is their bond," you know? A verbal promise is as good as a binding, legal document. I can't imagine that the only statement regarding your adoption was made verbally in the form of a "promise," so I wonder if there was more to it - some kind of signed, legal document regarding the privacy of your biological mother perhaps.

I hope that you can heal - maybe writing is like therapy for you? I keep a journal and I know that writing can often help.

Thanks for writing Nicole! NY law mandates that adoptions shall remain closed so that may be why she doesn't try. Plus as another member has reminded me our bmoms are older, and may not even KNOW about reunion registries. OR she may just want to forget. I AM trying to come to terms with this but it is almost akin to how I feel about my bmom's decision to adopt me out at all - I know in my head that it probably seemed the "best", the most rational decision for both of us - to her - but in my heart there's a little girl crying out to her mommy "Why wouldn't you keep me? I wanted YOU!". I guess the trick is to stay rational, not emotional. Hugs - PJ/MJM

[longingtomeetyou]

im so sry hon
i know the pain surrounding adoption
im a birthmom waiting for the day daughter turns 18
i am most definately going to make contact when shes an adult..dont know exactly when mind you
i need to know shes ok and if she ever need me in there!

[jwmjwm]

MJM, I know it was hard for me to understand and come to terms with the fact that my biological mother had not searched for me or joined any reunion registries. (In fact, she eventually declined contact with me.)

I guess I had thought because I wanted to search, she must want to search, too. Who wouldn't want to find her child? But I had to start to understand that my first mother is a very different person from me, with a very different life story. She's doing what works for her life.

Did you have a closed adoption? If so, your birthmother was probably told that she would never know anything about you, and she should just go on with her life, for your good and hers. Probably she's just continuing what she's done for years and years.

I hope you can find peace with this. I know it's hard.

[ReOcB42008]

Hi JWM -thanks for the reply to my poem. Yes, it was a closed adoption and in my HEAD I understand all her reasons - in my heart, it hurts that she didn't keep me. I guess we just have to be rational. Thanks again! ReOc

[Mockingbird]

Have you tried asking for help on the "Search Angels" board of this site?

Suggestion--it might help you to understand a bit more if you read THE GIRLS WHO WENT AWAY. It will give you insight into what we faced years ago--very different from these days.

And we were told that the babies would be so much better off with two parents who could give them everything that we couldn't. It makes me SO furious to find out that our precious children were hurt like that!

[ReOcB42008]

Dear Mocking - Thanks for replying to - and reading- my poem. Not all aparents are the selfish controling idiots that mine were. Alot of adoptees are happy and love their aparents very much but I think always feel a connection to their bmom - even if they don;t understand it (weren't told).My case just happened to end badly. I pray that your child is one of the happy ones.As for search angels, I know they ARE angels but I don't want to search for my bmom in case she doesn't want to be found. Good luck! ReOc

[Nicole28]

Didn't know you were born/adopted in NYS - so was I. Have you registered with the state registry and received non-identifying information from the state, the hospital where you were born and the agency that placed you??

I have the contact info. for a local search angel...I am in Central NY; not sure where in NY you are.

[Mockingbird]

I think you should give her that option. I believe that I told you before that I didn't search for my son because I thought he was healthy and happy and didn't need me causing turmoil in his life--I was wrong. He needed me. If I had known that, I would have tried to find him long ago. If you find out who your mother is and where she is and if you have the courage, you can give her that choice. Yes, she may not want to have a relationship with you--but she does owe you the courtesy of telling you about her situation and why she gave you up, and of filling you in on your medical history. When my son contacted me, he said that he had questions about family medical history and he didn't want to disrupt my life--but I wasn't about to let him get away. He's had some pretty rocky places in his life; but he has survived them. I'm so proud of him; and I'm absolutely crazy about him!