[rachel72]

I only found out a few years ago that my mother had a child before my brother and me. she gave him up at birth (he always knew) but never said anything to me or my brother so it was a huge shock as we're all in our late 30's! i was quite excited at first as i had always dreamed of having another brother but it turns out he wasn't that bothered about getting to know us. i'm trying so hard to figure out where his head is at but just can't.. i'm trying to put myself in his position but can't. i imagine he must be angry, hurt etc.. but not sure if this is directed at us or my mother. he met my mother a few years ago as i think he was curious. he was given to a lovely family and had a great upbringing by all accounts and has done very well for himself. he now has quite a few children of his own who i would love to get to know. my mother is in bits trying to get some sort of response from him but knowning he is probably angry with her and was just curious. it's so heart breaking to see her so upset, waiting for an email or phone call or letter.. but she gets an odd email every year or so.. nothing much in it. he doesn't seem to want to get to know any of us. although, oddly enough, my mother believes he might want to meet me rather than my brother has he was the son she 'kept' in his eyes perhaps? it's so confusing.. i was just wondering if anybody had any advice about how i can approach things with him. i've emailed a couple of times and he always responds nicely and last time suggested we meet up sometime in the future but that was it.. that was over a year ago. i emailed again a few months back and am waiting for a response. i don't want to push him or scare him off.. will we ever have a relationship? i just wonder if even emailing him might be scaring him off as i don't want him to think i'm doing it on my mother's behalf (which I'm not). what should i do.. just be there on an email in the future if he changes his mind.. we're not getting any younger and our children as just getting older.. i want him to be part of my life.. does he?

[rachel72]

oh just thought'd i'd add something that might be important now i think about it.. my mother said that when she met him she got the impression his wife and his adopted family didn't want him to meet her. they didn't approve and perhaps, she thinks, this is why no contact?

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by rachel72

oh just thought'd i'd add something that might be important now i think about it.. my mother said that when she met him she got the impression his wife and his adopted family didn't want him to meet her. they didn't approve and perhaps, she thinks, this is why no contact?

Rachel, He may not want to be part of your family. Not because he doesn't like you or your family, not because he has anger directed at you(he may have some unconscience anger towards your mother) but because the family that he was brought up in is the only family he knows. The only family he is comfortable dealing with at this point. It is very difficult sometimes to grow up as a "normal" family warts and all and then be expecated to become part of another..even if they are biologically related. If that family is showing any sighns of not wanting him to meet( which is horrible) the fear of hurting them may be stopping him. It really is nothing personal againt anyone but a process he needs to go threw to figure out that it really is ok to have a relationship with bio family. That the 2 families are sperate and one is not better then the other, just different. One of the biggest fears I had was that people expected me to feel things that I wasn't ready to feel and because of that someone was getting hurt...it was hard. On the flip side if I did feel something there would be someone judging that feeling. Had myself in knots for a long time so as a result had to avoid the whole situation to keep myself sane and bring up my own family. Really had myself in these knots because why??? I was born and placed for adoption..no matter what the reason, no matter how good the intention I still very much felt stuck on other people's feelings and needs...from both famlies that is...nobody really demanded anything of me alot I put on myself....because the thought of hurting my parents was abhorrent to me.

So your brother may just be processing alot of things right now and may need more time.

Another reality is that there are some adoptees that really don't feel a need to have a realtionship with biofamlies, just as some bmothers can not have a relationship with their bchildren. Those situations just are and even if it hurts nobody should be judged. The only issue as an adoptee is that no matter what I desrve to know my info...medical, heitage, and family history. Beyond that its a dance.

[rachel72]

that's very interesting.. and pretty much what both my mother and I thought. We figured he had a lot to digest but without hearing anything from him it is so hard to know. My mother also thinks that it's a guy thing.. ie women are better and usually more interested in keep up with family rather than men. Either way I'll just keep emailing him every 6 months or so to say 'hi' and leave it at that. if he wants to make contact at least he'll know i'm interested. but i won't let my hopes get too high.

[dpen6]

Rachel,

Good point about the male thing. they do somtimes feel and see thing differently!

Its also great that you are keeping the door open. I am friends with a very wise and wonderful bmother that is doing exactly that. She is the picture of understanding and compassion towards her daughter. She also has the patience of a saint. She has been sending little notes of happy birthday, merry christmas ect and would sometimes get nothing in return or a curt thanks. Her last communication her daughter started asking one or 2 questions..the door may be opening alittle!! I am thrilled for her and hope the comunication continues!

[Liz79]

I really wan tto meet my brothers and have a relationship, but when coming from a good family etc. you do have a lot of guilt, and hard feelings when proceding with this. Sometimes it just seems easier to do nothing.

[Ninaburke]

I would email him one last time and sit the ball in his court. Tell him that you would love to connect with him even it's just the two of you. Let him know that you will not bother him anymore and see what happens. Maybe he feels like there isn't a need for you all to communicate since there is no shared history. I was adopted at birth and have a brother who is just a year older. We both try to bond but it's hard because we are so different.