[Maddie07]

I've been sitting at my comp for an hour now trying to decide whether or not to join the sight, and I'm pretty nervous! I've been dating an amazing person who was adopted as an infant. I'm 21, he's 23, and honestly who knows where this is going. However, I do know that he is an incredible person who I feel very lucky to be with, but is really hurt by his adoption. It affects his relationship with his adoptive parents and the relationship we are trying to have. Even if I'm not going to be around forever, I know that he needs to overcome these problems in order to maintain the healthy relationship he deserves.

Above I mentioned his relationship with his adoptive parents. I should have said his lack or a relationship. They speak every few months, usually because he calls them, and he goes home only on Thanksgiving and Christmas. In fact, they didn't even call on his birthday or send him a card. As far as discussing adoption, they never have. He found out when he overheard an argument in which his older sister, also adopted, said that they weren't her real parents. He was six, they told him he was adopted, and its never been mentioned again. He was sent to boarding school from middle school on and spent the majority of his summers away at camps. Coming from a wealthy family, he was given everything a child could ask for, but it all lacked love. I don't know much at all about adoption, but I can definitely say this (to me) is not the appropriate way to raise a child, especially one who has the added difficulties that come with being adopted. Personally, I come from a very close family. Its extremely rare for me to go a day without talking to my parents, and it is so hard for me to hear that he could be treated in such a way. I know I can't change his family situation, but I also know it really hurts him, and it really hurts our relationship. He is completely resistant to talking about it, although he has opened up on various occasions. Although it has gotten better since we met, he drinks often and excessively, a trait it seems he inherited from his adoptive mother. Basically its incredibly hard for him to get close to others as he feels he has been abandoned by his birth and adoptive parents, and thus is afraid of being left again. I talked to him about the difficulties that come with carrying and giving up a child, and the other options his birth mother could have chosen, to try and get him to understand that in giving him up it probably wasn't because she didn't love him. I've talked about trying to meet her, and he doesn't want to because of hurting his adoptive family, and because of being disappointed by his birth mom... should I encourage him more or let him be? I wish I could change the relationship he has with his family, but I know obviously I can't. I encouraged him to try to make a closer relationship with his parents, and found that they are still distant when he tries. I guess the question is how can I have a meaningful relationship with someone who is so closed off? I try to reassure him that I'm really happy with him, which I tell him all the time, and that I don't want to go anywhere as far as leaving him (and I might even sneak in an I love you from time to time). What else can I do to make him feel secure? I also have a hard time getting close to people and I've really let my walls down because I do want to be with him, and even if I won't be forever I know he can be an amazing person and deserves to be with someone just as incredible as him, but won't be able to maintain a relationship unless he comes to terms with his past. Also, he has a hard time saying things to me, which puts a lot of strain on our relationship because sometimes I don't know where I stand, or how he's feeling about us in general. I think I know the real answer is to give it time, but it'd be nice to hear from some people who may have overcome similar situations. Thanks so much and I can't wait to hear back from some of you!

OOH! And please feel free to tell me what NOT to do... One time he opened up and I found I had been saying things that were hurting him that I completely thought were harmless, and I felt really really terrible. I think that to someone who was secure in their place in life and secure with the fact that they were adopted wouldn't have been bothered, but because he is so lost I think they just made him feel more alone.

[uTonyNashm]

This says a lot of good about you that you came here and posted this...I am very proud of you! My finacee' did the same thing as you--her post is a few down titled, "I want to comfort him...". It meant so much to me....that she actually DID love me!

You have to tell him that you are there and love him. Make him aware of all the problems with adoption. Just help him out and be understanding.

[FallenChild]

hi Maddie : check out adoptioncrossroads.org - they have a chat every night at 11pm (ET) that is run by a therapist AND adoptee - he would agree with you on your thoughtst That i've read here by you so far - best, Fallen Child- and good luck