[shel04ly]

Can i get some advice? I am engaged to the most wonderful person i've ever known. he's adopted and really, really struggling with it. he's 22, grew up knowing he was adopted. his adoptive family loves him so much, they gave him a very good life. his issues are about feeling rejected, ashamed, never good enough for anything. he has a hard time believing that i love him or anyone does for that matter. his self-esteem is next to nothing and it's killing me to see him this way. he's just now making the connection with these issues and his being adopted. i want to help him in any way i can. i just want to know from someone else who is adopted what i can say or do to make him know he's loved and worthy of good things in life. how do we begin to come to terms with the many emotions and hurts? do you think it would help him to talk to others who are adopted and can share his feelings? what can i do to give him a sense of belonging? thanks for any help anyone can offer.

[Jackiejdajda]

I say.. love him and stand by him while he sorts what he needs to sort..
Be there for him.. even if it is difficult for you..

Jackie

[lilraskels]

I am not adopted but I have three children that I have adopted. We share the same task. With adopted children it is the same to try to break down the walls so they will accept us. We are held as if we are the ones that hurt them. The main thing is support from you and constant reminders of your love for him. And praise him every chance you can. It might be hard but once those walls fall it is so worth it. Good luck my friend!

[uTonyNashm]

Wow...This is my fiancee' that posted this...It is about me--I am the guy she is talking about! I stumbled upon this while searching on google one day, I looked around the board and saw her name!

I can't believe she loves me this much to do this...

[Jackiejdajda]

Hello uTonyNashm

I want you to know I loved my bson.. I wanted the best for him.. I did not want to drag him up in my dysfunctional family.. and I knew I personally could not care for him properly..

Bottom line I was not strong enough..

Are you searching?

Jackie

[uTonyNashm]

I understand and feel your pain Jackie. I actually found my bmom, Mary. We met once and talked on phone a lot. She has been VERY nice and understanding. She NEVER wanted to give me up. But with all that said, I still feel so confused, I want to be self destructive. I never felt I belonged in my afamily, now I am suppose to feel close to my bfamily or something...This has all been in the last month or two.

It has brought some feelings of understanding--the meeting. But there are still VERY big wounds open. I am very confused. My life is hard enough as it is. I have a lot to deal with.

[guatemama94]

Tony,

I am an adoptive mom (out of Guatemala), and I just happened on to this thread....

I haven't been through what you've been through, but I have been through some difficult things in my life. My best advice is to continue to acknowledge your feelings and continue to be open with your finance about them. I was a "stuffer" of my feelings for a long time and the pain doesn't go away if you stuff it down in, instead it eats at you...

I am a huge adovacate of counseling. Perhaps your finance could go with you the first few times and then when/if you feel that the counselor is the *right* one, you can continue on your own. Please consider doing this. I promise it will make a difference if you open your mind to it.

More than anything, I think you have to go through a healing process. Don't push yourself to do it fast, but also don't allow yourself to stuff it all back down inside. It sounds like you are at a point in your life where your are ready to deal with this.

Good luck.

[tami1014]

I am adopted and wish my other half was near as supportive as you are trying to be. adoption is a hard thing to understand, and it does leave us with a sense that at one point in time someone didn't want us, so why would anyone ever. Love him and let him know he means everything to you. even though most of the time adoption was a better choice, we don't always know the why's and some of us never will. You sound like an extra caring super special person, who truly cares about her fiance.

[JPDakota]

l, too, am an adoptee, although I'm significantly older. I think you need to appreciate who you are apart from the circumstances of your birth. So many adoptees cling to something that happened a long time ago that they had no control over. Give yourself permission to decide for yourself who you are. You have that power. What's done is done. Doesn't really matter why. Obviously your fiancé loves you. Your parents love you. Believe it. You can do this!

[kune]

I just read this piece on another thread so will post it here hoping it helps.

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself.
The single relationship truly central and crucial in a life is
the relationship to the self. It is rewarding to find someone
whom you love, but it is essential to love yourself. It is
quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent
human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as
acceptable as well.
It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love,
but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things.
For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone
else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the
people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one
you will never leave nor lose. To the question of your life,
you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you
are the only solution

[Jackiejdajda]

Tony I missed your reply to me.. Sometimes the software skips a beat.. or something like that.. I hope you are still reading posts on a.com..

UTonyNashm wrote…

I understand and feel your pain Jackie. I actually found my bmom, Mary. We met once and talked on phone a lot. She has been VERY nice and understanding. She NEVER wanted to give me up. But with all that said, I still feel so confused, I want to be self destructive. I never felt I belonged in my afamily, now I am suppose to feel close to my bfamily or something...This has all been in the last month or two.

I think we are kidding ourselves when we think we can bridge the gap that opened up many many years ago..

The issues an adoptee sorts is something else again.. the prime experience in this adoption/relinquishment scenario is one of being abandoned..
How can anyone just let that go away.. and say all is well.. when it may not be?

Reunion is difficult... and it brings up things that we humans have a beyond difficult time sorting.. IMO
Its why I haunt these boards.. I find so much learning here..

It has brought some feelings of understanding--the meeting. But there are still VERY big wounds open. I am very confused. My life is hard enough as it is. I have a lot to deal with.

I say honor your wounds.. and let them heal in their own time..

And kune I love the Jo Courdet quote..
When I went into reunion I actually forgot that message and tried to be someone I am not and I felt ‘wrong’. I had to remember that ‘cost to myself’ message before I got back on track..
Jo Courdet wrote that book in the sixties.. it went out of print and is now back in print..

Jackie

[kune]

Thanks Jackie
I had no idea who the author was - someone else posted it and it "hit the right note" for me. I will look for more of Jo Courdet's writings now I have an author's name.

Regards
Ann

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by uTonyNashm

I understand and feel your pain Jackie. I actually found my bmom, Mary. We met once and talked on phone a lot. She has been VERY nice and understanding. She NEVER wanted to give me up. But with all that said, I still feel so confused, I want to be self destructive. I never felt I belonged in my afamily, now I am suppose to feel close to my bfamily or something...This has all been in the last month or two.

It has brought some feelings of understanding--the meeting. But there are still VERY big wounds open. I am very confused. My life is hard enough as it is. I have a lot to deal with.

Have sent you a PM Tony. (((hugs2uboth))) Janny