[adopteefran]

I am in my final year of college and I am conducting research to complete my major and graduate. I am an adoptee, and adoption really interests me, so the research topic I chose is adoption. In my research I am trying to find out how the stigma society places on adoption affects an adoptees adoptive identity development. Meaning, how the stigma of adoption affects the development of one's self as an adoptive person.

In my research I am interviewing adoptees and getting their stories and perspectives about their adoption status. The interviews I have conducted so far have been ok, but the feelings expressed by the adoptees seem contradictory and they seem just to emphasize the fairy tale of adoption, not how being adopted has made them feel. I am trying to find out how an adoptee feels about being adopted, how it affects their sense of self and family relationships. I want to know how societies secrecy about adoption and societie's lack of knowledge and sensitivity about adoption has affected adoptees self- image. I want to know how adoptees percieve societies stigma, how they experience stigma, how adoption makes them feel about themselves, how others have contributed to their feelings about being adopted.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has advice and help. Adoptees who do not allow adoption to be a part of their life and do not think about it and have superficial surface answers, when i really want to know the whole truth about how they feel, because some say that the feel positive about being adopted, but feel bad about themselves, i just am confused.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to probe into the deeper feelings of adoptees that do not think about adoption. I dont want to make them start thinking about it and upset them, but i want useful answers....

please help!!!!!

[Ghettopops]

I think, from personal experience, that it really depends on which stage an adoptee is in. By stage I mean for me and my wife(both adopted minorities into caucasian families) we went through various stages concerning the adoption. I think I perhaps might be at a different stage because I am in reunion but I think the basis is simular.
Without going too indept I will try and explain my pattern.
-As infant didnt know I was adopted on Concious level.
-small child knew but also know "mom and dad" loved me and they were all I had.(guess it was alright)
-Kid to preteen, knew,parents began to talk about still didnt really care much on concious level,
-Teen- Knew and it bugged me and everything that went wrong was their fault for adopting.
-Young adult- well dealt with it some in theropy and was basically kind of told it was ok.
-Adult- Birthmother found me, my world changed.

For me I never cared(or told myself that) up till she found me. I think that I was hurt beyond all comprehension, I just never knew it. Who couldnt be mad or hurt their bfamily gave them up. I went through life saying I had no interest in her/them until I heard she was looking for me. OMG did that change my view on it. I think that has a big part to do with it.

As of now, I dont agree with adoption and think it messes up children more than we will ever know. This is my opinion and I dont think it is shared by many but do think it is shared by some. Hope some of this might help you.

Ghetto

[Dobie]

Well, I think a good idea at tackling the subject is to get a this and that vantage point. I mean, interview 2 individuals with the same questions, but one of them found out at a younger age and the other at an older age. I firmly believe that the age when they find out directly effects their acceptance of the issue. At least this is true for myself, having been 16 when I found out. But its always been quite a struggle for me, up until 2 weeks ago when I finally found my birth mom... BTW, I'm 23 now. So it really depends on nature versus nurture in essence, because there are different factors that directly influence the human mind's way of dealing with big issues. Hope that helps in some way, but I don't know if it did.
Heres a thought... If you would like, I could answer some questions regarding my "Stigma" issues... just a thought.
~Jamie

[RavenFeather]

I am a birth mother of a 25 year old who had the priveledge of watching grow up. My husband (bfather) and I got to be his special 'auntie' and 'uncle'. I returned to college and am graduating with a degree in psychology and recently I have been thinking and wondering a lot how he must feel. Even though he has had the best possible circumstances for being adopted, I can't help but feeling that he must feel something.. I know he was loved by his aparents and it wasn't such a stigma to be adopted (his sister is)...there has got to be some grief...but the person doesn't necessarily know it.
I think it would be very difficult to compare experiences, each person is different. The other factor, which was brought up is that often people do not know how they feel. This is especially true when we are growing up. Whatever situation we find ourselves in as a children, is pretty much out of our hands and we don't know anything different. (I'm sure there are additional problems for adopted kids that are obviously different from their parents).
How can adoptees compare their experiences with those people that are not? We only have our own experiences. (I wasn't adopted and I was stigmatized for other reasons. In the fifties it was very unusual to have divorced parents. It was an embarrassment and I always wanted to know what it would feel like to have both parents together.)
I don't know if I am making any sense.
adopteefran, would you like to email privately? I would be interested to hear about your research.
Raven

[erikamarie]

I hope this helps.
I am an adoptee who has always known that I was adopted. When I was younger I always felt like a piece of me was missing. I don't know how others feel about it when they know at that age, but I felt that everyone could see a hole through me. I know its hard, getting into adoptees minds. We seem to be either really open or really closed off. I used to be closed off but now that I am in reunion I am more open to talking about my adoption.
What I have come up with is that people are afraid of the unknown. We dont like to show others that we are vulnerable. Adoption is such a hard topic to talk about because of that. I hope this was somewhat of a help. If there is anything I can do to help with this paper let me know, it sounds great!
~Erika

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee who has known all of my life that I was adopted. I think some of the suppression of feelings is because some of our thoughts could be "guilt" producing.
Like I really always wondered who I am and wanted to search for my bfamily but...Then the "guilties" would attack. What about my adoptive family? How would they feel? Am I being ungrateful? All of those types of things.
It was only after I grew up and really thought about things that I realized that I had to be true to myself and do what I needed to do for ME. Some may think it is selfish but it was more self-preservation than anything. Only by being completely honest with myself and not suppressing my feelings had I reached a point where I searched and reunited. And in the process realized that I had nothing to feel guilty about.

My adoptive family turned out to be more than understanding because they know that I love all of them and wasn't trying to replace them.

Snuffie

[Indiaadoptee]

I was adopted as an infant, with little information about my adoption.

here's my input:
I don't like how society views adoption. People treat it like you were born with freckles, or something trivial like that. Example: I recently had a physical, and the doctor kept asking me my birth family. I had to repeat myself numerous times that I was adopted, that I didn't know. I had to admit that my birth mother died while giving birth to me, which doesn't make me feel too good about myself in the first place. Getting questioned by strangers about adoption can make me very defensive.

adoptees can have a very fragile core with a bullet proof exterior. I know I do, because the outer layer prevents me from thinking too much about my past, and rattling the very shaky family foundation I stand on, my adoptive family.

sometimes adoptees reunite with their birth parents or family. then I bet they can at least learn about their past to move on to their future. I can't do that. It is very scary and sad. My birth mother died giving birth to me and my birth father was a poor farmer who couldn't care for me and gave me up.

So to have society glamourize adoption as a fairy tale, it makes me want to set people straight. But at the same time I don't like questions. It's so confusing. But if you need someone to interview, I'll give you honest answers!

[Peace.]

Hi there, I think you will be really struggling to write your document by giving one summarised answer! For every person you interview will have a different story, and even if their stories are the same, the way they were raised and the experiences they have had will make it their own personal story.....
I relate a lot to what Indiaadoptee wrote, but I am lucky enough to have found my b/mom, and yes it did 'fix' a hole in my heart.
I can also really relate to the guilt that holds people back from searching, to the point that it can make us feel like we don't really want to search (but deep down I culdn't suppress that need- even 'tho I have my aparents support to search)
Adoption seems like one of the last great taboos! especially if you want to discuss any negative effects of it.
I'll be interested to see the outcome in about 20 years of all the celeb adoptions
Good luck in your research, at least you are coming from experience yourself!

[fauxgina]

I think Ghettopops really hit the nail on the head when he broke down the stages of knowledge vs acceptance in an adoptee's life. I went through those same stages (except for reunion) in pretty much the same order and with great intensity.

You may find it very helpful to just read through random threads whose subject lines interest you. The language in which people post here will give you clues as to how they really feel about stuff. The added bonus of relative anonymity on the forums have helped many of us open up in a way we may not have in a face-to-face conversation. How have you conducted your interviews so far? Have you asked people questions face to face, or have you given them a questionnaire to fill out privately and confidentially? You may find more honest answers if your "subjects" are able to take something home and spend some time on it. If you were to approach me on the street and ask me how I felt about adoption, I'd probably say "Well, it's kind of complicated, but I'm glad I was adopted and have had such a good life." This is true, but there is SO much more going on under the surface that I simply would not want to discuss with a stranger, even if it was for research. (Well, I might share it if it were for research because I'm a bit of an attention-seeker and like to share my feelings to strangers as opposed to family... but that's beside the point. Or is it?)

Also, have you read any literature about adoptees and adoption by reputable authors? There are several titles discussed a great deal on these forums; among them are The Girls Who Went Away, Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child, Coming Home to Self: The Adopted Child Grows Up, Twenty Things Adoptees Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew, etc. Reading something by someone who has done much the same what you are trying to do may help you decipher your confusing findings. While adoptees are not cookie-cutter images of one another, I have been astounded to find out on this site how very similar our emotional and mental issues are, the same issues you're trying to find out about. These issues may manifest themselves in different ways (e.g., either by completely mistrusting others and distancing oneself or being too trusting of strangers and overstepping boundaries), but they are at the root of many of our problems in life.

I hope this helps a bit. You're certainly in the right place to see into other adoptees' minds and figure out what makes us tick and what we feel about who we are, both as individuals and as members of a larger society that has very definite ideas about adoption.

[fauxgina]

Also, in case you didn't know, if you go to the Community Center forum, there is a board called "Surveys & Research" under the heading of General Topics (a little more than halfway down the page). Maybe you can find some interesting things there.

[NYLM]

Sure I USED to suppress my feelings but no more. I've always been my Aparents 'Cinderella' with the exception of the pumpkin...we had a station wagon.

Anyway my Amom was and is so dillusional that it's a wonder how I made it living in that mad house.
Amom's DH is an philandering alcoholic. We never got along. I hated when he'd suggest we went to the bar (shudder shudder). Amom's always gossipping, lying and cursing people. Even her members...well especially her members. I've heard her talking about someone, put them on hold and pray for the incoming-call person! Oh did I mention that she's certified hand-clapping, pulpit-pounding, bible-quoting, halelujah-screaming Pastor? *slapping forehead*

Our already rocky relationship ended for good when she demanded that I give her my son....riiiiiiight! She really seemed to think I was going to participate in "Adoption, The Next Generation".

This gave me such a warped sense of religion and relationships. Thank God that I was able to sort it out on my own and I'm married to a wonderful man and attend a wonderful church. Some days I shake my head other days I laugh. Odd days I cry. But I'm glad I won't end up in a straight jacket.

I typically don't act this way but this woman has caused me so much pain which I had to repress because all she ever did was remind me of how much she had done for me. All her "real" kids have amounted to absolutely nothing. One is 27 and STILL finishing High School., one is grossly obese and sells fried fish one, one is a student/go-go-dancer/artist and her son is a pot head. I'm the only normal one (tee hee)

Thank you all for reading my rant. Your reading comprehension is greatly appreciated

[sal]

NYLM...your "survival" reminded me of a wonderful quote from the movie... Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. Sandra Bullock's character is lamenting about being so crazy because of her mother... and one of her mother's friends says..."you're saner than you have a right to be". I know that I for one... was happy when I heard that. I didn't have the most stable amom either... and to know that I survived saner than I had a right to be..has been a pretty good ego boost... hope it does the same for you... sal

[disolveme]

Stigma is the word! I'm an adoptee. Apart from the fact my adoption was an abusive one.
My agrandmother was a religious nut, she used to preach at me. My aparents their son and I were going to spain when I was 8. My agrandmother informed me that God would make the plane crash and all the innocent people would die, because I (a bastard, sinner! Sins of the fathers were upon me.) was on the plane. I was terrified for everyone on that plane, when it landed I threw up. For me adoption, ment I was 'less than'. Worthless. Not worthy like 'real' birth children.

No one spoke to me about adoption, it was like a dirty word. Everyone knew, they knew I knew, but it was 'wrong' to speak about. To speak about it was, to be ungrateful, for being taken in, when no one else would of had me.

Thankfully I have a loveing husband and children. Through self awarness to some extent and counselling, I've done a lot of healing. I still don't trust easily but I put those feelings aside and act positively. I did push my husband away at first and 'tested' him, until I stopped and talked with him about what was going on and recognised why.

[wishkah311]

For me, I didn't really care until I was a teenager. That was when I noticed that the gifts me and my sister (also adopted, but from a different family) received from my grandparents were not as good as the gifts received by the other grandchildren. I started to notice that my family (not my adoptive parents) treated us differently from everyone else. On the list of grandchildren written on my grandmother's apron, I wasn't on it and neither was my sister. My parents tried to tell me for a little while that it was because it was made before me and my sister came along. Then my mom admitted what I suspected was true. To my grandmother, I wasn't her "real" grandchild. She treated me like she treated her step-grandchildren. Anyone who wasn't blood related wasn't really part of the family. Since then, my mom has told me some stories about how my grandmother acted towards me and my sister. I knew that my mother would suddenly come get me when I was playing so we could go home. Apparently, she did that when my grandmother said something about me and my sister being adopted. This has made me really awkward about family. Now, since I have found my birth family, I feel awkward there too. I feel like they see me as the "adopted one." Logically, I know they love me. They have told me as much. They have shown that they love me. However, I can't help but fear that no one will ever truly love me. My own mother didn't want me, why should they?

Originally Posted by Ghettopops

As of now, I dont agree with adoption and think it messes up children more than we will ever know. This is my opinion and I dont think it is shared by many but do think it is shared by some. Hope some of this might help you.

I got lucky in that my adoptive parents love me more than I could ever describe. To a certain extent, I agree with Ghettopops. I don't think I could ever give up a child. Best case scenario, they end up like me, with a deep fear of abandonment and resentment towards family. We won't talk about worst case scenario.. we all have an idea of how bad it could be. That said, I do not want to have children of my own. I have no desire to ever get pregnant and give birth to a child. I would like to adopt. I can only hope that I could be as good to an adopted child as my parents were to me. They may have the same issues I have, but at least I could do everything I can to keep a couple of children safe, give them a home, and all the love I can. I do want to have a family one day. Indeed, I am desperate for it and all the love a family has to offer me. Maybe one day, I can find a way to get past my issues.

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by disolveme

Stigma is the word! I'm an adoptee. Apart from the fact my adoption was an abusive one.
My agrandmother was a religious nut, she used to preach at me. My aparents their son and I were going to spain when I was 8. My agrandmother informed me that God would make the plane crash and all the innocent people would die, because I (a bastard, sinner! Sins of the fathers were upon me.) was on the plane. I was terrified for everyone on that plane, when it landed I threw up. For me adoption, ment I was 'less than'. Worthless. Not worthy like 'real' birth children.

No one spoke to me about adoption, it was like a dirty word. Everyone knew, they knew I knew, but it was 'wrong' to speak about. To speak about it was, to be ungrateful, for being taken in, when no one else would of had me.

Thankfully I have a loveing husband and children. Through self awarness to some extent and counselling, I've done a lot of healing. I still don't trust easily but I put those feelings aside and act positively. I did push my husband away at first and 'tested' him, until I stopped and talked with him about what was going on and recognised why.

I drew breath when I read your experience. That is truly horrendous. I can't believe how cruel that is and that people can actually be that cruel. I'm so sorry. I am SO glad to hear you have a loving husband and that he could see through the testing. I hope it continues to be all that you describe, my goodness, I'm shaking my head in disbelief. Shame on her. Darn it, SHAME ON HER. I hope you now find yourself feeling truly loved, despite that hideous experience, no doubt etched on your heart. I hope in time, that your husband and children help in the healing process.

Sincerely
Janny