[stevenstwin]

I did something really dumb several years ago, and I already know that I shouldn't have done it - on a whim, I posted my name on a website focused on reunion, mentioning a cousin who was adopted at birth (we are both nearly 40). Sure enough, she contacted me last year. And of course she wanted to know if I could put her in touch with her mom. So I had to approach my aunt, and admit what I'd done (and I've been taken to task by many people for being so stupidly presumptuous as to ge in teh middle of the triad in the first place!). At first my aunt was thrilled - shocked, but thrilled - and thanked me about a million times. Then she got scared or had second thoughts, and decided she really did NOT want any contact. They had some very stilted email exchanges, and my aunt refused phone calls or an in-person visit, and basically said "don't call me again". She has also deciced NOT to tell her two other kids (who are in their 20's, by the way, but both have "issues" of their own). My cousin told me about this, and said that she was hurt and angry, but still glad that she had found me so that she could find out lots about her maternal birth family, anyway. (specific issues for her: she said it was very important to find out that her birth mother was "okay" - not living a terrible life, or really unhappy. She was also afraid that she'd find siblings who'd been abused or miserable- so she's relieved to find that was not the case, although angry she can't meet them. She feels since they are adults it should be their choice, but has chosen to respect my aunt's wishes. She also found her B-dad's family only to discover that he's long since died, and no-one there is very interested either. I feel for her - this has been pretty disappointing, and it seems like such a shame since she's obviously compassionate and caring. Thank goodness her parents are at least very supportive, as is her husband.)My aunt claims she isn't mad at me, but obviously I put her in a painfully awkward situation (although, I must say, the laws changed here (my aunt did not know this) and my cousin already had my aunt's full name and birthplace. Had she started cold-calling people in that town with that name she WOULD have found her very quickly...it's an unusual ethnic name and we're all related). My aunt's husband is REALLY furious with me for dredging this up for her, and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. I don't really know how my cousin feels about it - I don't know if she even WANTS any more contact from me or not. SO....any adoptees out there, would you still appreciate contact with "a" member of the birth family, even after being rejected by the main one you were looking for? And do I have a moral "right" to have a relationship if she wants to, even if my uncle thinks it is wrong?

[Sniffles]

I don't see a problem with it and I personally am in contact with my grandparents while my b-mom has denied contact with me. I say go for it!

[irisheyes33]

I agree with Sniffles. My birth mother refused contact at first and I built a wonderful relationship with her sister, who told me whe would always be there for me and love me no matter what my birth mother decided. You're two adults...you both have a right to have a relationship if that's what you both want!

[JPDakota]

I believe I would not appreciate continued contact.
Do you have a 'right'? I see that statement on these forums a lot. It always perplexes me. Unless there's a restraining order, and I know there isn't, then you have a legal right. Moral right? I don't think anyone could or should answer that for you. My moral code says no, but that is just me.

[Untbunny]

First of all, you do not need to accept blame or punishment for the contact. Was your heart into locating your cousin? Were your intentions to locate her for your own reason? My opinion-as long as you were not wanting to cause harm to your Aunt or family-this is a faux pas. A few items in your post stand out to me-
1.Aunt's children not knowing but you do
2.Cousin's "have 'issues' of their own"
3.Uncle is "furious" with you for bringing up the past

Just from this information it appears your Aunt and family have not properly (psychologically speaking) worked through the processes necessary to handle the placement. Adoption was not a socially acceptable topic 40+ years ago. Your Aunt may be in shock after decades thinking the birth records were permanently sealed. It would be a shock for me. It is unfortunate that you are now placed in the middle. The fact is that you are now in a sticky situation.

Have you considered what you would do if cousin located you without the "reunion" post? How would you feel/react to initial contact as a result of coincidence? You state having an ethnic last name-how would you act/feel if she originally contacted you as a result of her familiarity with the name? Most of us have at least heard stories of family members locating each other by coincidence.

Trust yourself on this one. Your cousin has already attempted to contact her mother. To this point, cousin has honored the desire to not meet. Let your cousin make the next step. May be she needs to realize a connection with her bfamily. If she wishes to maintain contact with you consider if it is what YOU want? Obviously there was an original desire to meet your cousin. At the very least, your cousin now knows members of her bfamily.

As an adoptee I can offer this input...While growing up I dreamed my bfamily consisted of highly functional, happy, intelligent people living the perfect life. As I matured, the reality of life caused me to reinvent my original image. Before deciding to meet my bfamily I considered the possibility of them being the complete opposite of my original dream. Sad, depressed individuals who couldn't share a real smile between them. Moreover, I considered how their reality and reaction would affect me. Most mature adoptees just want to uncover a mystery. A mystery of unknown origins. Who do I look like? Did I miss out on anything? Are my bparents okay? What is my ethnic heritage?

My desire to locate bparents was three fold: were bparents alive and okay, ethnic heritage, and medical background. What did I find? Both alive, mixed heritage, and heart difficulties. Oh-they didn't have a smile between them. For some reason I was haunted by the thought my bparents were dead and without anyone to visit their burial place. No, I don't maintain contact because it was not a halt situation.

[sal]

I'm an adoptee who would have absolutely LOVED ANY connection to my bfamily even if my bmom had refused contact. There are medical issues that only bfamily knows... and an adoptee deserves... (imho).. Do what you feel you want to do...it IS your choice.. My bfather has refused any more contact as have his 5 other children...but one of his sisters who was a good friend of my bmom has chosen to "defy him" and do what she feels is right... Keep us posted as to what you decide.. sal

[stevenstwin]

Thank you all very much for the input. The relationship between my aunt and I feels very strained, but that may be more on my part than hers. I spoke to her, and she basically said that she didn't wish to talk about or here another word about "Suzy", but that if I felt I had some sort of connection that she felt I should absolutely continue to contact her. As for "Suzy" I've decided to let her know that I am available IF she wishes further contact, but that it is entirely up to her. She seems to go in spurts....wants a lot of back and forth and then disappears for months. I have no idea how to be appropriately supportive of anyone in this triad, other than to just sort of follow their lead. Thanks again for the input.

[kakuehl]

Stevestwin, IMO, you are on the right path... follow the other person's lead and let them know that you are there. That may be what your aunt needs as well. It must be very difficult not to be able to talk about the adoption within one's immediate family. (My family and I didn't discuss it much, but I could talk about it when I wanted/needed to do so. Your cousin may find (like most of us seem to) that the need for connection waxes and wanes.

[StarryNights™]

Boy this hit home. I started out looking for my birth father since this would be the easiest route, which I found and am reunited with. Then it was search for my birth mother. I contacted her older sister since she was relatively local to me, knowing I had the possibility of screwing this whole thing up by not contacting birth mother directly. What transpired was a blessing. Aunt called her daughter, then birthmother and told her I had sent her a letter. Then called me and chatted with me for nearly two hours. Next it was my cousin who called me. That is where the blessing came in at. My cousin and I are three years apart and get along really well. Though I have no desire to have contact with birthmother (that is after having met her), I do have quite a bit of contact with my cousin and her family. I would say go for it. Have contact with her. I did that inspite of the fact birthmother wanted nothing to do with me after she met me face to face. It is your choice on who your friends are. Just because it is awkward for other people does not mean that they cannot act like adults and accept your friendship. ~L