[Jules1321]

Hi All,
This is my first time posting a new thread of my own...I am actually a little nervous about it because I feel that I have different feelings than most threads I have read...
I want to start off by telling my story (briefly) I am a 26 (almost 27) year old adoptee that has had an amazing life. I was fortunate enough to be placed with my family when I was 4 weeks old. I believe that I was put on this earth to be with them. You couldn't find a better match. I have 2 amazing brothers that are my best friends in the whole world. My parents have told me, since before I can even remember, that I was adopted so it was never kept a secret in my household. However, my parents have two very different opinions about it. My mom has told me numerous times that she has tried to make my life so special that I wouldn't want to even try to look for my bfamily and my dad has said that if and when I ever want to he will support me 100%. (not sure if Mom knows that dad has told me that though! ;0) ) So as I got older the topic became non-existent. I am surprisingly okay with that because I do feel like my life is 100% fulfilled with them. However, I do still have the desire to meet my Bmom for 3 reasons:
1. to tell her she made the BEST decision of her life and if she EVER felt bad or regretted it for one second of her life, please don't ever again. She is someone I don't even know but look up to so much, she has contributed to me being the strong willed, successful person I am today.
2. I would love to see if I look like her.
3. I need some medical answers. I have had A LOT of medical problems and would love to know if I should be concerned about more down the road.
Now, this is where my controversial feelings come in. After that meeting, I don't want a relationship with her nor do I want to meet any other part of my bfamily. I just don't have a desire to do so. I am not sure if this is just pre-meeting feelings that are normal, but I haven't really been able to find someone else who feels like this on the website. I have been battling this for a while b/c I know how it sounds, very cold, but I am not like that. I am actually really the opposite. I love my family more than anything and I guess that might be the real reason I don't want then to feel threatened oh gosh I don't know...can anyone relate to this???????

[banjo]

I'm not an adoptee so I can't relate BUT as a birthmother I can only say that you must, must be honest from the start. Please tell her that you ONLY want medical history and a pic of her or a brief meeting and then you both go your own ways. Then she can decide if she can handle this. It may suit her fine or she might be upset that she's not going to get to know you but please be upfront from the start and then she will know where she stands.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

I am always surprised at people who will shut a door, padlock it, before they even opened it in the first place.

Anything can happen, you may find nothing you want from them, then again you could find more love.

Your bmom may be exactly like you, feel the same way.

My birthson found that he wasn't just like his afamily, he was exactly like his bfamily. He was loved by his afamily and he is loved by his bfamily.

[cnb1099]

I can 100 pecent relate to your story...I was adopted into my afamily at 10 months old, and had a wonderful life. I was always told I was adopted, it was never a secret, had a brother and sister that I have a fabulous relationship with.My father too always told me that if I ever wanted to know he would be there. And then at 37 years of age, they found me...my birthfamily that is. It was the bigggest shock of my entire life. nd I too went into it initially sating, and telling my parents, that all I really wanted was information...nothing more. I had a family and I was happy. And then we had our first call, which made me want a second call, which made me want to see her, which made me want to meet her.. and so on and so on..So we met. And although our relationship is NOT that of a mother and daughter, as I have a mom, it is still a special relationship. And I am so happy that I have J in my life, no matter how anyone chooses to "define" it. So sometimes, when you really think you know what you want, you find out you really don't. This may not be the case for you, but I just wanted to say, do not rule out anything. Do not feel guilty for wanting "more". Your family is still there and can never be replaced. But it sure never hurts to have one more person in the world that loves you and cares about you right? My parents were initially worried, and that was totally understandable. But everyone involved deserves the time to process their feelings about reunion..and my parents are so okay with everything now.

So I agree with Scarlet..don't close a door that you have not opened yet..and welcome. Hope to see you post more!

[txrnr]

I can completely relate, although I've made the decision that I'm not going to search for that reason. I don't want to crack open a door I'm not willing to walk through. It's not fair to my bmom, assuming she wants contact. I've requested non-id info in hopes of finding some medical info there.

As far as medical information goes, I'd love to have it, but I've survived the problems so far, and imagine that knowing anything won't make that much of a difference in the future.

Good luck!

[Jan18]

You sound like me a few years ago. I always said if I searched it would be for medical information only. I've said, "I have my family. I don't needed any more family members."

Well, I searched last year after a very stressful pregnancy with 20 wks of bed rest. I searched looking for my medical information. I wanted to know if my medical history had anything to do with the reason I had had a difficult pregnancy, and should I go on to have more children.

I found my bfamily in approximately 3 weeks. I met my bmom's brother and his family first, because my bmom lives 10 hours away from me. I loved them. I e-mailed back and forth with my bmom for several months. My husband and daughter went down to meet her and my three sisters. Initially, I didn't know what was going to happen. I took it very slow. My bmom and I have a good friendship. She doesn't mother me. At times she makes motherly comments, but she knows that I have a mom and totally respects that.

I guess what I am trying to say is you may be saying those things to yourself so you don't get hurt. I think that is why I said that to myself. Plus, I didn't want to hurt my parents. When I would get upset with something that was happening in my reunion, my mom was the first one to stick up for my bmom in analyzing the situation. So, don't close doors before they are even opened, you my find some wonderful people who have been waiting a long time to tell you your "other" life story. You just never know.

Good luck in your decision!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Jules1321

Hi All,
This is my first time posting a new thread of my own...I am actually a little nervous about it because I feel that I have different feelings than most threads I have read...
I want to start off by telling my story (briefly) I am a 26 (almost 27) year old adoptee that has had an amazing life. I was fortunate enough to be placed with my family when I was 4 weeks old. I believe that I was put on this earth to be with them. You couldn't find a better match. I have 2 amazing brothers that are my best friends in the whole world. My parents have told me, since before I can even remember, that I was adopted so it was never kept a secret in my household. However, my parents have two very different opinions about it. My mom has told me numerous times that she has tried to make my life so special that I wouldn't want to even try to look for my bfamily and my dad has said that if and when I ever want to he will support me 100%. (not sure if Mom knows that dad has told me that though! ;0) ) So as I got older the topic became non-existent. I am surprisingly okay with that because I do feel like my life is 100% fulfilled with them. However, I do still have the desire to meet my Bmom for 3 reasons:
1. to tell her she made the BEST decision of her life and if she EVER felt bad or regretted it for one second of her life, please don't ever again. She is someone I don't even know but look up to so much, she has contributed to me being the strong willed, successful person I am today.
2. I would love to see if I look like her.
3. I need some medical answers. I have had A LOT of medical problems and would love to know if I should be concerned about more down the road.
Now, this is where my controversial feelings come in. After that meeting, I don't want a relationship with her nor do I want to meet any other part of my bfamily. I just don't have a desire to do so. I am not sure if this is just pre-meeting feelings that are normal, but I haven't really been able to find someone else who feels like this on the website. I have been battling this for a while b/c I know how it sounds, very cold, but I am not like that. I am actually really the opposite. I love my family more than anything and I guess that might be the real reason I don't want then to feel threatened oh gosh I don't know...can anyone relate to this???????

being a bmom that has read the Primal Wound, there is something I would like to point out that you may not have considered. Sometimes adoptees can feel as if by searching or even considering linking up with their bparents as if they are being disloyal. I am into 11 months reunion with my son and I can tell that he has this split in his own mind, as if loving them means he loves me less. I encourage him as much as possible to realise that he can love both of us and that it isn't disloyal. You sound as if you have had a great life and that is truly wonderful and reassuring to people like me (as my son is struggling with his relationship with his aparents), but if you open the door to contact, small as it is, you may find that emotions surface that you were completely unprepared for or even realised that they were there?

Obviously the Primal Wound doesn't apply to all adoptees but some of it you may relate to?

You may also be worried that your mum may not take it well and that obviously would be a concern to you with what you've said above, so that may be a concern, as you love her very much.

I think most bmoms that are willing for contact would be extremely pleased to hear that you've had a good life, as that is what I definitely wanted to hear for reasons I don't want to burden you with.

Of course wanting to know if you look like her is a very lovely feeling and this is what to me flags that if there wasn't issues of loyalty to your mom and hesitation in what you currently feel, that you may well wish for more? Even if you don't, I concur with the post that says make it clear as to what you do and don't want. You may wish to have a photo of your bparents/family and medical history.

If a third party/intermediary were to get these for you, that may be the best choice for the options you outline. However, I'm not sure that I would feel too good as a bmom to hear that my son would want a photo of me and medical history period. That would upset me a lot (I have to be honest) but I don't know how your bmom would respond or if she would respond at all.

Just be prepared for the gamut of emotions and the pandoras box that will be opened even if you think you can close it after, it may not work like that.

I don't think you are a cold person, you come across as a thoughtful loving person whose adoptive parents sound wonderful. This website is full of people wishing for contact, so please don't feel alienated by how you are feeling. It could well be that your bparents don't wish for contact and you may have to brace yourself for that possibility and any hurt you may feel.

I hope some of these thoughts are helpful to you.

[lavett96]

You were soooooooooo lucky to be placed with a secure loving family. My adoption was so diffrent. Maybe it was because I was an older adoptee, maybe not? I will never know. However, the wanting to know the medical issues and who you look like I can definately understand. Having two families can seem complicated when you are looking on the outside in, but keep an open mind. It sounds like your bmom did you a favor. You may find down the road that your amom is more understanding than you know, and that you may come to like and love your bmom. Talk to your amom about it. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship! Wish I had your luck.

[kamie68]

I am 38 and have known I was adopted since before I can remember. My parents have always supported me on whether or not I wanted to find my birth parents. In fact my mom has been more curious than I have. I have however been frightened by the concept. I too have some inherited medical difficulties and would like to get some kind of medical history, however I am not interested in making contact with the other parties. It is nothing against them. I have just heard sooo many horror stories about kids taht have looked for their biological families, that I prefer that if they know about me and want to find me Then they can. So I am not quite sure how to find the answers I am looking for about my biological medical history.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by kamie68

I am 38 and have known I was adopted since before I can remember. My parents have always supported me on whether or not I wanted to find my birth parents. In fact my mom has been more curious than I have. I have however been frightened by the concept. I too have some inherited medical difficulties and would like to get some kind of medical history, however I am not interested in making contact with the other parties. It is nothing against them. I have just heard sooo many horror stories about kids taht have looked for their biological families, that I prefer that if they know about me and want to find me Then they can. So I am not quite sure how to find the answers I am looking for about my biological medical history.

I know it can be scary, but it can be empowering too.

When I was attending a triad support group, I would say 80% of the birthmothers I met were good people, worth knowing. There was one bmom, who if she were my bmom, I would run the other way faster then a race horse.

But, most of the bmoms I know are good people. I am talking about voluntary adoptions, not TPRd. No abuse nothing like that. Just young women who could not raise a child at that time.

So if you search, look at yourself in a mirror, and think, my bmom could look like me, have the same personality, the same laugh, the same color eyes... or you could be the exact image of your birthfather.

Either way, when face with someone who is just like you, would you really turn your back on knowing them? At least once.

Reunion is hard, it can take work to get to know each other. Getting past the fear, the pain of loss for the bmom.. feeling like a stranger to someone who looks just like you. But it can be very good too.

Teri
reunited birthmother, in a very happy reunion for 10 years..

[Dreamer190]

Jules,

I can totally relate to you. I don't think many people in my life think of me as adopted. It was never a secret (I remember having a storybook about it when I was a little girl) and I have a brother who was also adopted, and a brother who is natural to my parents. We rarely ever talk about adoption. It isn't because we have strong feelings or opinions, it just never comes up. Our childhood was wonderful. I am almost 26 years old, and I am starting my search. I too, have the same attitude as you. It is starting out primarily for medical information. I have had some pretty big scares in my life, and I do feel I need to know what I could have passed on to my children (ages 1 and 2). I am not shutting out the possibility of a relationship with my birthparents or birthfamily, but I will let them know up front (when and if I ever find them) that I have wonderful people in my life who will always be my mother and father. I think that is only fair. I haven't told anyone but a friend of mine that I am starting to search. I want to see where I can get before I bring up something that could be painful. Good luck to you!

[lostbutterfly2]

I am 36 and adopted at 6 months in Ca. I am thinking of having a baby and want to know my medical info and maybe meet her and ask her some questions. I was a result of an affair and have two men that could possible be my birth father. I recently found out my birth name and their names and now at a cross road, I can't find them, their names are too original. Any advice.

[revherb]

Originally Posted by Jules1321

Hi All,
This is my first time posting a new thread of my own...I am actually a little nervous about it because I feel that I have different feelings than most threads I have read...
I want to start off by telling my story (briefly) I am a 26 (almost 27) year old adoptee that has had an amazing life. I was fortunate enough to be placed with my family when I was 4 weeks old. I believe that I was put on this earth to be with them. You couldn't find a better match. I have 2 amazing brothers that are my best friends in the whole world. My parents have told me, since before I can even remember, that I was adopted so it was never kept a secret in my household. However, my parents have two very different opinions about it. My mom has told me numerous times that she has tried to make my life so special that I wouldn't want to even try to look for my bfamily and my dad has said that if and when I ever want to he will support me 100%. (not sure if Mom knows that dad has told me that though! ;0) ) So as I got older the topic became non-existent. I am surprisingly okay with that because I do feel like my life is 100% fulfilled with them. However, I do still have the desire to meet my Bmom for 3 reasons:
1. to tell her she made the BEST decision of her life and if she EVER felt bad or regretted it for one second of her life, please don't ever again. She is someone I don't even know but look up to so much, she has contributed to me being the strong willed, successful person I am today.
2. I would love to see if I look like her.
3. I need some medical answers. I have had A LOT of medical problems and would love to know if I should be concerned about more down the road.
Now, this is where my controversial feelings come in. After that meeting, I don't want a relationship with her nor do I want to meet any other part of my bfamily. I just don't have a desire to do so. I am not sure if this is just pre-meeting feelings that are normal, but I haven't really been able to find someone else who feels like this on the website. I have been battling this for a while b/c I know how it sounds, very cold, but I am not like that. I am actually really the opposite. I love my family more than anything and I guess that might be the real reason I don't want then to feel threatened oh gosh I don't know...can anyone relate to this???????

when I was growing up I often wondered what it would have been like growing up with my bmom. As I grew older I thought about it less and less. About 15 years ago I became very ill. I dropped 82 pounds in 3 months. I couldn't eat anything,, if I tried I was unable to hold it down.

Because the team of Doctors I had working on my case were clueless as to the cause it was suggested to me that I attempt to contact my birth parents to hopefully get some answers which would hopefully help my Doctors find a way to treat me.

So I contacted the worker who handled the adoption and was given basically nothing at all helpful as far as medical information and was told that it would cost me $90 which I didn't have at the time to contact my bmom to try and get some information.

At the time I was asked if I wanted to meet her and I said that all I was interested in was the medical information.

Now after meeting her a few weeks ago I'm starting to like her as a person. I've met my Grandfather as well.

However the person who I identify most with is my brother. Even though we grew up in different households we have so much in common that it's like looking in a mirror(Other than the fact he out weighs me by (110). My Brother is shall we say a little more high strung than I. We like quite a bit of the same music even though we are 5 years a part in age. We both dring Mountain Dew by the gallon, We both love to shoot pool, and both of us have traveled extensively.

So even though I did everything I could to convince my bmom that she would probably be better off without me in her life, I can now say that I am glad that we reunited.

It is still a little uncomfortable talking to my bmom however we are making progress.

What I am trying to say is that all though I was happy as far as my relationship with my adoptive parents over the past twenty years, meeting my bmom was great. However meeting my Brother has been fantastic.

I still don't know if I will ever be able to call my bmom simply Mom, without Mom being just a word in a sentence. However what I do know is that my life is more enriched then it was prior to Sept. 12th.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you will take some time to consider whether you are being completely honest with yourself before you make a decision.

[EZ2Luv]

Hi
Jules1321,

Welcome!! I could have wrote your post 3 yrs ago. I still believe that I was born to be with my afamily and that I am so very luck to have them. I had the exact same attitude and feels as you. I never had the burning desire or feelings of emptiness or need to know, just basic curiousity about looks (I could have gone on never knowing either way). I also wanted to most inportantly thank my bmom for giving me the greatest life possible and of course the need for medical history .

In 2004 I was faces with a medical situation that warranted the need for medical history. Upon the insistance of my docctor I began to search scouring the internet, getting inolved with search groups ect. I did send for non id, in the meanwhile I was berated to the point of harrassment and threats, yes threats from angry members of the triad because I expressed not wanting a "relationshp" as that was not my reason for searching. Truth be told the fragile medical sate I was in as well as having an ill amom at the time, was not an ideal time to pursue any relationship.

Well I did obtain my non id and when I did I was shocked to know tha bmom was someone I knew my entire life and had since passed on. I gre up knowing her kids too. Well I trusted a mutual friend of the Bsibs and I about my findings and while I had a great relationship with the bsibs prior to this, they blew a gasket, accusing me of trying to "claim" their mother. Whatever that means.
While I totally understand those triad members that are passionate about their relation to "The Primal Wound" and how the void was filled and how they felt complete upon reunion, this is not always the case. There adoptees and bfamily that are no phased by any of this. I happen to be one of them. I tried to keep an open mind about the whole thing and I did listen to others, but how could I force myself to fit into a mold that did not suit me. Like I said it got to the point of threats and harrassment within a certain part of the online adoption search community.
That said, it is great to keep an open mind and hear from other adoptees and bmoms experiences, but please donot ever compromise what is in your heart.
As far as obtaining medical information, unfortuanately with the HIPAA laws it is imossible to get any medical information without permision from the person. This is one of the other reasons how my bsibs found out about my search ( my friend tried to help by telling them)


EZ

That

[Slatond10]

I am an Amom, so only offering a little diff perspective. My DD is only 3 so obviously my views may change over time. I have searched for DD's birthmother and opened the door for contact.

I KNOW my DD has enough love for me and for her birthfamily. I want her to have a relationship with her birthfamily if it is possible??? She has been with me since she was 13 weeks old. I love her with every fiber of my being but I also know she has a birthfamily that is and will be apart of who she is. As an Amom, I want DD to know she can always talk to me about anything and I will 100% support her efforts. My own parents may not have agreed with things that I did but they always supported me and I knew I could go to them with anything... that is what I want with my child as well.

I do not feel that DD would be disloyal to me by wanting to know her birthfamily. I want us to be open and honest. DD knows she is adopted and born in Guatemala. The only thing that would hurt is if she kept secrets.

Just my thoughts!