[shewhoisblessed]

my daughter feels the same as you do, if that helps

[FallenChild]

You should try to get any information to staisfy your curioisty without going through her nd openning her wounds just to get information ..... it would be incredibly cruel to use her for information and leave her when you had your needs met -

There are other ways to get info than by contacting your mother directly - I already feelsorry for this poor woman that you are about to disrupt emotionally for your own ends- best, FC

[cherilynn68]

I have always felt the same way!
If you saw a picture of my family, you would never guess I wasn't blood related!

I'm going to be 40 in a few days and I think that is most of my drive (as of late) to find them. I still think I could go without meeting Dorothy, but I really want to meet and get to know my sisters.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by FallenChild

You should try to get any information to staisfy your curioisty without going through her nd openning her wounds just to get information ..... it would be incredibly cruel to use her for information and leave her when you had your needs met -

There are other ways to get info than by contacting your mother directly - I already feelsorry for this poor woman that you are about to disrupt emotionally for your own ends- best, FC

I really get offended at posts like these directed towards adoptees. That information we want is not just a mere curosity, it is often a NEED.....we were born, thats a reality. The fact that our mere existence, through no fault of our own can be cruel and hurtful to someone just because we are not ready to "run to mama" in order to get our infomation, is SO dismissive and insulting.

Tell me what other ways are there to get out info other then the women who gave birth to us, tell me that your way of looking at it is not a blackmail sort of thing. I see it as you better want a relationship with me or you can't get your own info, for yourself or your children. That in my opinion is what is cruel. Thats makes the whole adoption thing about the parents invovled and not the people that have a blank slate in terms of there own biology. I am fully of the opinion that there needs to be total respect and honesty but to tell an adoptee not to contact bmother because they are not ready for a relationship is cruel and self centered. This adoptee may not know what she wants, just like a birth mother that denies contact based upon her own pain and the adoptee still loses by not getting what they need. BUT bmom is giving total understanding because "Its just to painful."

This "poor women" holds the key to this persons idenity, meddical and heritage. This "poor women" has the control to deny the human being she gave birth to, her most basic of info(I assure it it becomes much more then a mere curosity as we get older....it is a NEED)....because its emotional???

I say, give the person who needs their most basic info, from the one that has it, from the one that may or may not help the person born to complete their own personal idenity. From that point on it becomes about the needs and wants of both based on respect. NO demands from either.

[kune]

Jules
You can't be loved by too many people. It's a human instinct to know from whom and where you came from...and, I think, the story of your birth and conception.

When you begin a search for your birthfamily, nothing is ever certain. The mental and emotional energy expended in the search will give you some insight how important this is for you.....before you contact your birthfamily.

I relinquished my son in 1969 and thought about him every day since. He found me in 2001 and we have formed a very close comfortable relationship...not necessarily a mother/son relationship (he already has a wonderful mother) but we share a kindship, an intrinsic link that binds us. He was my first born and I nurtured him for those first 9 months and missed him for 33 years. He has a familiarity connection with his half sister and brother, and knows he is loved. I was so happy when I found he had a wonderful family who had supported and loved him every day of his life. This was what I imagined adoption was all about.

For birthmothers, closed adoption is about loss. No knowledge of what happens after they sign that document. I was told I had no legal right to ever contact him, and if I ever did it would be seen as an immoral intrusion into his family life. So I didn't search but I never stopped hoping that one day he would need to know who his mother / father was. The loss started to be healed the day he found me. It's one of my most memorable days - and I have grown stronger and happier with the "knowing" who he is and how his life has played out from day 10 to now.

Noone can assure you that there will be a birthparent at the end with open arms, or that the information you need will be forthcoming, but unless you try you will never know what you are missing. Make your expectations reasonable, and I doubt you will be hurt. Use the Registrys suggested by prior posters and see if your bfamily are looking for you, and if not, go to the Agency where your adoption was arranged and ask them for information. Also read some adoption related books - Adoption Reunion Survival Guide is great, and also Joe Solls books are good for the soul.

Whatever path you choose, I wish you well.

Ann

[rainmon]

I too, believe that having the "go between person"
the (3rd party intermediary) get just the medical info and possibly a picture would be the best way for you to go, since you state that you want no relationship, it simply is not fair (Imo) to ask for MORE of her if "you" want nothing more. it will be a huge shock to her life as it is....so at least be respectful enough to not bring too much pain along with it,
(as a "one time only" face to face surely would)
I personally can't imagine having to appear somewhere... to meet someone... knowing that the person wants NOTHING else to do with me after that meeting !!! and it being my own long lost flesh & blood
ta boot !!! jeeezzz ! ya gotta have a heart !
I don't believe in mixing business with pleasure...and if it's just all business with "you" and thats all you want..... then keep it that way. all business.
as if thats all you want, why give her false hope? why drag it out in a personal meeting? like some cold interview, wow! that just really seems sooo painful to even think about.
Are you wanting it this way just to appease
your A-mom ? as you said that your a-mom told you that she tried to make your upbringing so perfect that you would never have any desire to meet your birth family....so is this for her??? to show her what a good job she did?
I can see your wanting medical history and family heritage history and maybe even a picture, but why the meeting? all your questions could be answered through the non Id way, through a third party. less painful, I feel, until if and when your ready to give more of yourself.
and also if "you" are requesting a picture of her....would it not be fair to give one of you to the intermediary for "her" as well? ( in case she may want to see what you look like)
I just don't get how cut & tried you seem to want this all to be. can you not feel what it would be like for her? you don't seem to be considering her feelings here at all. to go into it this way without an open mind....without giving her a chance to get to know you.
just a set of rules 1. 2. & 3. .... period ????
if you have no desire to get to know her...why put her through the "going nowhere" meeting?
sorry....but I just don't get it.

[RavenSong]

I just want to give a "heads up" to the members who are actively posting on this almost one-year-old thread. Um, folks, the original poster (Jules1321) hasn't even logged in here since last July 2007. So she probably isn't going to be responding to any of the recent posts...

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Jules1321

Hi All,
This is my first time posting a new thread of my own...I am actually a little nervous about it because I feel that I have different feelings than most threads I have read...
I want to start off by telling my story (briefly) I am a 26 (almost 27) year old adoptee that has had an amazing life. I was fortunate enough to be placed with my family when I was 4 weeks old. I believe that I was put on this earth to be with them.

Well actually, if god had wanted you with someone other then your bio mom, you would have been born to someone else. God does not make mistakes. Nor does god give babies to woman just to cause them pain when they can't raise them, then must give them up. What kind of curel nasty god would do something like that?


[/font][/quote]You couldn't find a better match. I have 2 amazing brothers that are my best friends in the whole world. My parents have told me, since before I can even remember, that I was adopted so it was never kept a secret in my household. However, my parents have two very different opinions about it. My mom has told me numerous times that she has tried to make my life so special that [/font][/quote]

Your mom, because of the closed adoption system has an unreasonable fear of losing you. If you love her the way you say, then there is no possiblity of you loving some other mother more then her. Your mom needs to realize this. She is being unfair to you and to herself. If your bio mom had not given you up for adoption, your mom would never have met you, never have known you, never have raised you, never have loved you. Some other stranger would have been your mother.


[/font][/quote]I wouldn't want to even try to look for my bfamily and my dad has said that if and when I ever want to he will support me 100%.[/font][/quote]

Sounds like your dad is the healthier person between your parents. He seems to understand more then your mom, OR he has more confidence in your love then your mother does. Though she should know in her heart that you love her. Also, if you do more reading about this subject, you will find that somewhere someone told you mom she should try to forget you were adopted. That she could pretend she had given birth. She didn't but part of her doesn't want to think that any other mother had anything to do with you being you. Only her. The truth is, we are more the 50% genetic. Our DNA tells us how to walk, talk, talent, thoughts, emotions. You love you mom the way you do because your DNA tells you this is what you do. Our PARENTS, bio or adoptive, teach us, love us, nuture us to be the BEST or worst WE were BORN to be. Your bio DNA has as much to do with who you are today as your loving adoptive parents. According to some scientists, your bio DNA may even have more to do with who you are.

[/font][/quote] not sure if Mom knows that dad has told me that though! ;0) ) So as I got older the topic became non-existent. I am surprisingly okay with that because I do feel like my life is 100% fulfilled with them. However, I do still have the desire to meet my Bmom for 3 reasons:
1. to tell her she made the BEST decision of her life and if she EVER felt bad or regretted it for one second of her life, please don't ever again.[/font][/quote]

You were first her baby, if she is anything like me, she will have mourned your loss. She will have missed every day of your life and loved you.

That your adoption is close to perfect is exactly what everyone hopes an adoption is. But that won't take away, not ever, the pain she has at your loss. You were her baby, her child, somewhere in her she will always wish she could have kept you and raised you. Of course, I am going to think that things "might" have worked out. We all know that if she kept you, it could have been just fine, or not good at all. You won't know that until or if you find her. At 27, if is very possible that adoption might have been best for you. Where as my birth son is 44 , adoption was wrong for both him and me. He wishes every day that I could have kept him. He even wanted for a while to change his name to my maiden name. I wish every day that he hadn't been given to a wife beating alcoholic. I can't change the past, neither can he. I can only show him how much I love him and always be here for him.



[/font][/quote] She is someone I don't even know but look up to so much, she has contributed to me being the strong willed, successful person I am today.
2. I would love to see if I look like her.
3. I need some medical answers. I have had A LOT of medical problems and would love to know if I should be concerned about more down the road.
Now, this is where my controversial feelings come in[/font][/quote]

1. until or if, you meet her, you really will not know if you want a relationship or not. You may find someone you wouldn't want as a friend if you didn't know who she was. OR you could find someone so much like you that you can't imagine not having her in your life. This does happen, just as the first thing could happen.

Not unlike meeting a guy and falling in love. We fall in love with strangers, live with them, have sex with them, marry them and put up with an entire family we may not like very much. All because we loved some guy or girl.

So I would wait to make that decision. Or do you think that sort of thing every time you meet a stranger?

[/font][/quote] After that meeting, I don't want a relationship with her nor do I want to meet any other part of my bfamily. I just don't have a desire to do so. I am not sure if this is just pre-meeting feelings that are normal, but I haven't really been able to find someone else who feels like this on the website[/font][/quote]

I have met lots of adoptees who feel this way, both before and after. I would say maybe about half feel this way, some will change their mind after meeting and have a relationship. My son told friends before our first meeting, "what if she is a bag lady", his buddy told him to "just walk away". I wasn't a bag lady and he wanted me in his life.

[/font][/quote]I have been battling this for a while b/c I know how it sounds, very cold, but I am not like that. I am actually really the opposite.[/font][/quote]

Your ability to love the way you do, is inherited.
Your mom can thank, not in person, just to herself, that your bmom must have loved you very much. Or hopefully come from a basically loving family.


[/font][/quote] I love my family more than anything and I guess that might be the real reason I don't want then to feel threatened oh gosh I don't know...can anyone relate to this???????[/font][/quote]

Good luck, be sure to treat your birth mother the way you want to be treated. With love and respect.

I will send wishes that she be a healthy person, who will give you what you need and be willing to take with love what you have to give.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Scarlet Moon 13

Well actually, if god had wanted you with someone other then your bio mom, you would have been born to someone else. God does not make mistakes. Nor does god give babies to woman just to cause them pain when they can't raise them, then must give them up. What kind of curel nasty god would do something like that?


[/font]

You couldn't find a better match. I have 2 amazing brothers that are my best friends in the whole world. My parents have told me, since before I can even remember, that I was adopted so it was never kept a secret in my household. However, my parents have two very different opinions about it. My mom has told me numerous times that she has tried to make my life so special that [/font][/quote]

Your mom, because of the closed adoption system has an unreasonable fear of losing you. If you love her the way you say, then there is no possiblity of you loving some other mother more then her. Your mom needs to realize this. She is being unfair to you and to herself. If your bio mom had not given you up for adoption, your mom would never have met you, never have known you, never have raised you, never have loved you. Some other stranger would have been your mother.


[/font][/quote]I wouldn't want to even try to look for my bfamily and my dad has said that if and when I ever want to he will support me 100%.[/font][/quote]

Sounds like your dad is the healthier person between your parents. He seems to understand more then your mom, OR he has more confidence in your love then your mother does. Though she should know in her heart that you love her. Also, if you do more reading about this subject, you will find that somewhere someone told you mom she should try to forget you were adopted. That she could pretend she had given birth. She didn't but part of her doesn't want to think that any other mother had anything to do with you being you. Only her. The truth is, we are more the 50% genetic. Our DNA tells us how to walk, talk, talent, thoughts, emotions. You love you mom the way you do because your DNA tells you this is what you do. Our PARENTS, bio or adoptive, teach us, love us, nuture us to be the BEST or worst WE were BORN to be. Your bio DNA has as much to do with who you are today as your loving adoptive parents. According to some scientists, your bio DNA may even have more to do with who you are.

[/font][/quote] not sure if Mom knows that dad has told me that though! ;0) ) So as I got older the topic became non-existent. I am surprisingly okay with that because I do feel like my life is 100% fulfilled with them. However, I do still have the desire to meet my Bmom for 3 reasons:
1. to tell her she made the BEST decision of her life and if she EVER felt bad or regretted it for one second of her life, please don't ever again.[/font][/quote]

You were first her baby, if she is anything like me, she will have mourned your loss. She will have missed every day of your life and loved you.

That your adoption is close to perfect is exactly what everyone hopes an adoption is. But that won't take away, not ever, the pain she has at your loss. You were her baby, her child, somewhere in her she will always wish she could have kept you and raised you. Of course, I am going to think that things "might" have worked out. We all know that if she kept you, it could have been just fine, or not good at all. You won't know that until or if you find her. At 27, if is very possible that adoption might have been best for you. Where as my birth son is 44 , adoption was wrong for both him and me. He wishes every day that I could have kept him. He even wanted for a while to change his name to my maiden name. I wish every day that he hadn't been given to a wife beating alcoholic. I can't change the past, neither can he. I can only show him how much I love him and always be here for him.



[/font][/quote] She is someone I don't even know but look up to so much, she has contributed to me being the strong willed, successful person I am today.
2. I would love to see if I look like her.
3. I need some medical answers. I have had A LOT of medical problems and would love to know if I should be concerned about more down the road.
Now, this is where my controversial feelings come in[/font][/quote]

1. until or if, you meet her, you really will not know if you want a relationship or not. You may find someone you wouldn't want as a friend if you didn't know who she was. OR you could find someone so much like you that you can't imagine not having her in your life. This does happen, just as the first thing could happen.

Not unlike meeting a guy and falling in love. We fall in love with strangers, live with them, have sex with them, marry them and put up with an entire family we may not like very much. All because we loved some guy or girl.

So I would wait to make that decision. Or do you think that sort of thing every time you meet a stranger?

[/font][/quote] After that meeting, I don't want a relationship with her nor do I want to meet any other part of my bfamily. I just don't have a desire to do so. I am not sure if this is just pre-meeting feelings that are normal, but I haven't really been able to find someone else who feels like this on the website[/font][/quote]

I have met lots of adoptees who feel this way, both before and after. I would say maybe about half feel this way, some will change their mind after meeting and have a relationship. My son told friends before our first meeting, "what if she is a bag lady", his buddy told him to "just walk away". I wasn't a bag lady and he wanted me in his life.

[/font][/quote]I have been battling this for a while b/c I know how it sounds, very cold, but I am not like that. I am actually really the opposite.[/font][/quote]

Your ability to love the way you do, is inherited.
Your mom can thank, not in person, just to herself, that your bmom must have loved you very much. Or hopefully come from a basically loving family.


[/font][/quote] I love my family more than anything and I guess that might be the real reason I don't want then to feel threatened oh gosh I don't know...can anyone relate to this???????[/font][/quote]

Good luck, be sure to treat your birth mother the way you want to be treated. With love and respect.

I will send wishes that she be a healthy person, who will give you what you need and be willing to take with love what you have to give.[/quote]

[prettylady071]

I'll give you a little about myself, I was 8 months old when I was placed into foster care with the best family in the world ever. I never moved around like other children, I stayed with this one family for my entire life until I was discharged at the age of 18. When I speak of family, they are who I am refering to.
My mother never told me any different either, the only difference in our situations is, I had visits with my bmother and once I turned 12, I told the judge I didn't want to visit with her any more and I was granted that. I didn't want to visit with her because she didn't visit with me she stay'd in the bed with her boyfriend drugged up and only got out when it was time for me to go home.
I think for your health reason you should find out who your bmother is and if after meeting her you chose to not see her any more, then that's your choice but my family has/had alot of illness that I was unaware of and now those illness has affected me and will affect my children. I didn't know I had Sickle Cell trait until I had my son at age 25 when he was born with the trait, so as you see, it's important for the health reasons. Also, I have recently been placed on a breathing machine because my bfamily has a history of sleep apnea, female probelms (all my children were born via C-section) and I just recently found out that my son has a slight curve at the base of his spine and that's once again something from the family that he and I will suffer with for the rest of our lives.
So I'm sorry for carrying this out sooo long, but I think it's a good idea and what you decide after meeting her is your choice, just remember that you have the upper hand in the situation, what ever you chose is what will be set forth in motion.

Good luck with your future endeavos.
37 and now a foster/adopted mom of my husbands 3 neices.
The cycle continues.

[Ninaburke]

I do not think you are being cold at all. Everyone has a right to there on feelings. I felt it was not necessary to involve myself with my biologicals either. When I met them, things did change. I felt a connection like never before. It was also interesting to look so much like them. Needless to say, you cannot undo the past and although we look alike and have a lot in common, there is no shared history.

family by fe

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Ninaburke

I do not think you are being cold at all. Everyone has a right to there on feelings. I felt it was not necessary to involve myself with my biologicals either. When I met them, things did change. I felt a connection like never before. It was also interesting to look so much like them. Needless to say, you cannot undo the past and although we look alike and have a lot in common, there is no shared history.

family by fe

Women and men often marry people they have no shared history with. People they often have next to nothing in common with and still make a relationship.

When a person marries they accept entire families they have nothing in common with for no other reason then they love a man or woman.

So shared history or not, shouldn't come into play when deciding to have a relationship or not.

[Renda]

Scarletmoon,

In one of your posts you write that DNA, genes etc from birthfamily have more today with the way you are as an adult.

I beg to differ as research has also proven that 'nuture' can have an equal effect as nature.

I have seen evidence of this myself in other adoptee's and myself, I could not be more like my a mother if I tryed, she has passed away now sadly but out of three sisters I am more like her in and her ways than her bio daughter, even my sister jokes about it.

Nuture has a very strong influence on people it could be argued as much as genes, it's the old debate: nature versus nurture.



Renda

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Renda

Scarletmoon,
In one of your posts you write that DNA, genes etc from birthfamily have more today with the way you are as an adult.

I beg to differ as research has also proven that 'nuture' can have an equal effect as nature.

I have seen evidence of this myself in other adoptee's and myself, I could not be more like my a mother if I tryed, she has passed away now sadly but out of three sisters I am more like her in and her ways than her bio daughter, even my sister jokes about it.

Nuture has a very strong influence on people it could be argued as much as genes, it's the old debate: nature versus nurture.



Renda

What I am saying does not dimmished the way parents bio or adoptive love and raise us.

Science itself is surprised how much we are out DNA. Every new article I read ups the percentage. I am just as surprised as anyone.

That doesn't mean you will be exactly, though it can happen, like one birth parent or another. It means you are going to be more then 50 percent your biological family. ALL of them for a number of generations back.


Other then the obvious, looking like, walking like, sounding like, same eye color, body shape, the physical stuff that only some of which can be changed by surgery.

There is sense of humor, some built in food likes and dislikes. We can learn to like other foods but some of that is hard wired too.

Then there is the thought process. I was very surprised to find my birthson thinks the way I do, comes to the same conclusions. He is more like me then the kids I raised. And his aparents are the same age as his bio grandparents.

Of my children my birthson is the only republican, LOL and a hard nosed one at that, JUST, exactly like my father.

Now, I was raised by my mother, I don't know how she voted. So that can be totally learned. So that may be the generation of his adoptive parents and bio grandparents.

The point I was making, good parenting can make us the BEST we were BORN to be. In the nurturing we learn from our parents. If those parents have a similar background as the birth family then you aren't going to see any big difference. It is more obvious when afam and bfam are opposite. Then you can see the sameness and the difference more.

If birth parents had the same kind of love and nurture as the birth child you see more sameness. If the birth family mom or dad had bad childhoods you may not see any sameness. Unless they made changes themselves as adults.

Choice of jobs, partners, all these things can be part of your DNA.

This has been proven by researchers who have interviewed reunited twins (identical) who were separated at birth. The twins often marry spouses with the same names, work the same jobs, get the same grades, where the same clothes and buy the same cars. It doesn't matter if the aparents were rich for one twin and poor for the other.

DNA counts big time. Health, intelligence, personality.

The family we are raised in bio or adoptive, can make us the best or worse we are born to be. That is the love, learning and training of the child.

Sometimes it is good to look at it this way, if the adoptee's birthmother or father had the same love and advantages as the adoptee, would they be more alike?

[Nicole28]

I still think this is a great thread topic-wise, despite the original poster no longer visiting the forums!!

Originally Posted by FallenChild
You should try to get any information to staisfy your curioisty without going through her nd openning her wounds just to get information ..... it would be incredibly cruel to use her for information and leave her when you had your needs met -There are other ways to get info than by contacting your mother directly - I already feelsorry for this poor woman that you are about to disrupt emotionally for your own ends- best, FC

I have a lot to say about this...but I want to maintain a level of respect for the poster. There are other ways to get info than by contacting your mother directly: You're right, there are. In the lovely state of NY, you can get your non-identifying information, with any and all important or desired info. blacked out. Then you can spend close to thousands of dollars to hire a lawyer and unsuccessfully petition the courts. I have to tell you that you're not 100% correct in that statement. I am in contact with a search angel who has offered to help me further my search, but as of right now, I have exhausted my free, legal search methods & my search is at a complete stand-still. So no, there really are NOT "other ways."

it would be incredibly cruel to use her for information and leave her when you had your needs met: I think that it is incredibly cruel to deny the rights of adopted persons by sealing their records and never allowing to them to have access to information that they are entitled to simply because they were born.

I already feel sorry for this poor woman that you are about to disrupt emotionally for your own ends: If I ever have the opportunity to contact my biological mother, I would have to think long and hard about the best way to do it, so that I could avoid disrupting her life as much as possible. I respect her need for privacy and I respect her choices and the prospect that she has a marriage, other children, etc. I am 99% sure that she has kept me a secret since my birth - that she has not told ANYONE in her "new life" that she relinquished a child for adoption. On the other hand, though, I wouldn't feel badly or apologize for contacting her. Part of her had to understand that, one day, I may attempt to find her. It goes with the territory I think. I will never apologize for being curious about biological family, and I will absolutely never ever ever apologize for wanting medical history.

I do not think the original poster had the intention of ever "using" her biological mother. I understand the need to ask questions, get answers, and not follow this up with a relationship. I don't want a relationship. I would, however, be more open to a very guarded relationship [more like an "acquaintance-ship" is such a word existed] with half-siblings, if I had any. I don't feel guilty for wanting answers but not wanting a relationship - I think this is normal and acceptable and appropriate.