[julsbensmommy]

Hello..Hoping I can get some thoughtful advice from adult adoptees.

My son is only 2.5 and we adopted him from birth at the hospital his birthmother lovingly delivered him at.

She chose to have a closed adoption, although recently contacted our lawyer and said that we can write letters / send pictures. I sent her a letter quite some time ago w/out any contact. I was really hoping to have some contact with her.

Within the past year - we received devastating news. Our son's birthfather died in an accidental drug overdose.

This weighs heavily on my mind. How do I tell my son when he asks about his birthfather. How do I tell him that his birthfather was a drug addict? Or do I leave that out? I am so scared that it will devastate him.

He knows that he was adopted, as best as a 2.5 year old can understand, and we tell him all the time that his birthmother loves him and thinks about him all the time. He knows her by name and we pray for her each night.

But, I never bring up his birthfather...I would have to tell him that he is in heaven.

As an adoptee, what do you think would be the most sensitive way to talk about this with my son. I love him more than anything in the world...and want to protect him from any emotional pain.

I know that he is very young and this discussion would be way down the road, but I am trying to gain some insight now.

Thank you so much!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Although not an adoptee, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. My Bear's bio-father is actually a sex offender who raped his 13 year old mother and he was conceived. It was the family physician who made the call to have him placed in foster care, and we still see her. We have spoken several times about trying to protect him from this information until he is old enough to understand. I just want to know how to let him know that despite how he was conceived, he is and always will be our miracle. I think this is one of the toughest things about being an adoptive parent...we can't hide these things forever.

[bethy724]

I hate to write it, but I am relieved that there are other adoptive parents with these issues. My sons bio-father beat his brother to death while his mother stood by & did nothing. The family already had 2 open & closed cases - it was this boys death that caused my sons removal from the home (he was a newborn) The father is serving life & the mother has never been charged w/ a crime & moved on to have 2 more children-my son is almost 3 years old.

I will be interested to see the replies as I am strugling with the same issue.

I want my son to always know that he is loved by his birth parents & I believe he is even though his parents actions were horrible.

[julsbensmommy]

Thank you so much for your replies. It is not easy wondering what the future conversations will be like and how to handle such sensitive issues.

I think you are right in that the bottom line is we love our children so much and we want to protect them, be honest with them and do what is right for them always.

It is my personal hope that God will guide us through all of the challenges, and always find joy in our children.

[Sniffles]

As an adoptee, my advice to all of ya'll is to only tell them age appropriate things.

juls, if your son asks I would tell him that his father has passed away. I would not tell him why until he is old enough to understand. In fact I say this more as a mother than an adoptee. I am in no way advising ya'll to lie to your children, I just think the information that you tell them should be age appropriate.

Bug and bethy, your children have such sad pasts. I sat here and cried as I read them.

[bethy724]

Sniffles-thank you so much-I cry for my son's brother often & just thankful to know he will never be hurt again.

I did ask my sons (pedi) DR. about what to tell him & he said if I am asked to let him know his bio dad loves him but is very sick & in a place where he can get help & his bio mom loves him but just couldn't take care of him. Both statements are truthful & honest without going into details. I have heard that some adoptees never ask & some want details-I guess we'll have to wait & see.

[Sniffles]

The DR gave you some good advice. I never really asked about my info until I got older. Of course mine was a closed adoption, but my parents were always open and honest about what little info they had. I do remember asking my dad one time about my adoption papers. He was going through a lock box and they were in there. He showed them to me and I looked though them. My brother on the other hand never had an intrest in his info. He is 37 now and he is just starting to show intrest and he wants to sheach. So your are right, some adoptees want everything and some never ask. You just have to wait and see.

[hideyho]

My amom chose to share nothing more than the fact that I was adopted until I was 18. By that time I was in the healthcare field. She wanted to know if I thought I loved her as much as she loved her own mother (she is not adopted). She then revealed to me that my sister (also adopted) wants to go into the FBI and her bmom was going into law enforcement when she became pregnant. My bmom is a nurse and I am as I said, in the healthcare field. I felt a little betrayed that info was held from me, but it made me feel closer to my bmom to know that I unwittingly chose the same field of work as she. Now, in my case it turned out ok not to be so revealing, but I would just watch for a maturity level in your kids and tell them as soon as you believe they can handle things. It is ok to tell them that you know more but are waiting until later to share. It might bug them a little that you know something but at least they wont feel that you just hid this stuff from them. At least you are making them understand that you do have info, you will share it, but that it's sensitive and because you love them you want to protect them.

[WhoKnew]

This is a tough issue for a lot of us. I highly recommend reading "Telling the Truth to your Foster or Adopted Child" by Jayne Schooler.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by bethy724

some adoptees never ask & some want details

What a tough, heart-wrenching situation for all! I would agree with the point to tell your son the truth, i.e. that his father has passed away. If your son wants to know why he passed away, I'd say just that he got very, very ill - in other words, stick to what's age-appropriate. I'd save the drug overdose details for later.

Please remember that some adoptees never ask because of various reasons - too afraid, think it'd upset their adoptive parents, too ashamed, etc; I'd still recommend letting your children know that the door is open for discussion.

As an adoptee who'd found out that my birth parents had died from severe poverty, I don't know if there's anytime when the emotional pain will be less devastating. I became nearly suicidal when I found out this news at 42 years old. Having friends, family and professional help available through the bereavement helped me get through it all. So I'd recommend that perhaps you do what you can to help your child grieve - and it sounds like you already are doing just that.