[lostminded76]

hi, i am a 30 yr old male who was adopted when i was 18 mos old. i have great adopted parents and family but they will not allow me to read or see my adoption papers to help me find my real mother because they think that if i find my birth family if they are into drugs or alcohol, they might try to take away the nice things i have today. i am so lost, i want to find my birth mother and to know if i have any siblings out there. i need some answers also that pertains to my health and where i inheritated a few things. where do i go from here or where do i look? this has taunted me every since i can remember, i just want to fill the whole that is in my heart for my birth mother and try to reunite and get to know her, is that so bad? thanks and please help. lostminded76

[snoopie1424]

Lost,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do aparents have reason to believe birth family is into drugs and alcohol? It sounds to me that maybe they are just a little scared of losing you.

Maybe you could try talking to them and let them know that is not what this is about. You are a grown man and this is your history. I think you have every right to read it.

Good Luck!

[shriveraz]

Sorry to hear that this is happening. As an adoptee I totally understand the need to have some information, especially for health reasons. Do your folks really think that bfamily is into drugs? Have they explained why they say this?

[lostminded76]

Hi Everyone, This Is Lostminded76. My Parents Will Not Say Why They Think That My Real Family Is Into Drugs, They Just Keep Saying It. Today I Ask My Mom For Pictures Of Me When I Was Little So I Could Register With The Illinois Registry And She Sent Me Some In The Mail And One Was Marked "12 Months, Before Adoption Took Place" And It Is A Professional Picture, Does Anyone Think This Is A Little Strange When For Over 28yrs They Have Been Telling Me That They New Nothing About My Mother Or My Life With Her, That I Was Just A Abused Child, And Now Mom Says That "my Mom Was Just Too Young To Take Care Of Me". Mom Has A Look In Her Eyes That She Wants To Tell Me Something But Can't. Things Are Really Getting Confused And Weird. Sometimes I Think About It And I Wonder If I Belong To One Of My Three Sisters And They Just Don't Want To Let The Cat Out Of The Bag, Because It Would Disgrace The Family Name. Is This Possible? Thanks For All Of Your Replies. How Would My Adopted Mother Get A Professional Picture Of Me When I Was 12mos When They Supposebly Got Me When I Was 18 Mos. , There Is A 6 Mos. Difference Here. Does Anyone Have Any Ideas? Thanks Lostminded76

[ripples]

Dear Lostminded76,
I feel for you and fully understand why you'd want to search for your birth family. Many adoptees, including me, feel this way. I also understand how some a-parents would feel apprehensive about what a reunion with your birth family might result in - but ultimately I feel it's your right to know your roots.

I imagine what must be most frustrating and confusing is the fact that your a-parents are withholding valuable information from you as well as aren't explaining why they think your b-parents are drug and/or alcohol addicts. Even IF your b-parents are drug and/or alcohol addicts, I imagine that there are ways for you and your a-parents to deal with this when you find your b-parents.

Is it possible to encourage your a-parents to be more open about their views and why they feel this way? Perhaps getting a book on adoption and reunion might help open the discussion? I noticed there is a link in this web site that is about adoptive parents and search issues Adoptive Parents & Birthfamily Search - Birth, Family, Mom, One, Parent, Parents, Reasons, Reunion,

http://www.wiadopt.org/FamilyResourc...rticles_R9.htm

Is there a post-adoption resource center near where you live that perhaps some support groups and/or counsellors could help with facilitating this dialogue.

My thoughts are with you - I imagine that it will be challenging trying to get your a-parents to be more honest with you, and the challenges would really hurt if it were me in your shoes.

Yours,
Ripples

[pg13209]

Lost,
I am a reunited adoptee who did all the searching by myself for my aparents would not help me. It was a long process for NC is a closed record state. I asked for my non ID from the state and went from there. If you ask for non Id, you can then take that information and get ahold of the birth index, every state has one, some are downlaodable on the internet. Once you have that and the codes to see what county you were born in well then you could get a search angel this was how I found my bmom after 7 years of searching in april of 04. Hope this helps

[sal]

I wanted to stop by, Lost, and offer my support in your journey. I'm a reunited adoptee who waited 48 long years to finally have the nerve to search and contact my bmother and her family. It's been a wonderful reunion for 5 years so far. The one thing that REALLY helped quiet my soul was FINALLY getting the answers.. FINALLY having no secrets... FINALLY able to have all the new information and integrate it into who I am.. (knowing it was out there... that SOMEBODY knew something.. or had access to it.. but I couldn't see it used to drive me crazy) I was able to finally KNOW... and then accept that my adoption was really the best choice for me and that really helped settle my soul. I've been rejected by my bfather which I can't say didn't sting for a bit.. but after meeting him just once.. I was SO glad that I was my afather's daughter...and if my adoption hadn't occured I wouldn't have had him... Things happen for a reason.. I commend you on your desire for your answers... we're all here to support you in anything that you find... sal

[snuffie]

Hi Lost,
Oh a lot of us here have wanted exactly what you want. The answers. I think I would try once again to find out info. that your aparents might have. Maybe telling them that knowing is better than not knowing even if some things may be difficult.
If they still can't help you can send away for your non ID and some states have an adoption record search agency run by the state that can help you. Also, you can go throught the agency you were adopted through or the attorney if it was a private adoption.

I wish you much happiness in your search and reunion.

Snuffie

[JenMcHall]

Lost,
Your aparents either know your birthfamily had drug problems in the past or that's just their excuse for not wanting to give you the information. Obviously someone loved you enough to have photos done at 12months, because that's not cheap.

I'm guessing your aparents are thinking in the back of their minds that if you meet your birthfamily, they will try to hustle you. Don't ask me why some aparents are like that, they just are. Mine are. (They think everyone is trying to hustle them)

The bottom line is that YOU ARE 30 YEARS OLD. If you feel this is the right time to search, then you deserve the right to know. Especially for health reasons. I searched only to find that my birthmother had died a year earlier and she had many health problems. Run that by your aparents, maybe they'll wake up and realize it's not just about them and what they want.

Good luck, keep us updated.
Jennie

[lostminded76]

hi everyone this is lost. I have ran into some problems here in the last week or two. because of the ice storm, we had no power for a full week and had to live like campers in a camping resort without the camper now that we have power again, i can use the internet. it still boggles me why and how my aparents got the picture of me when i was 12 mos before the adoption, i think this was a big mistake on my amom's part, i have never seen this picture in my life. i am going to ask about it this week and see what she says. my girlfriend is extremely proud of me for looking for my bmother, she seems to think it will help me alot with my bipolar and make me at ease. she has put all the paperwork together and she is signing me up for the adoption registry and see if we get anywhere with that. then we are going for the non-id and see what we can find out. i will continue keeping everyone updated and again "thanks" for all of your support, it feels good to finally have someone on my side. lostminded76

[lostminded76]

HI EVERYONE IT IS LOSTMINDED. IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE POSTED ON HERE. SINCE MY FIANCE STARTED SEARCHING, THINGS HAVE WENT ALONG WAY. FIRST SHE SIGNED ME UP FOR THE ILLINOIS ADOPTION REGISTRY, THEN SHE REQUESTED FOR MY NON-ID INFORMATION (WHICH I MIGHT ADD WAS WRONG ABOUT THE AGE OF MY BIRTHPARENTS), THEN SHE CONTACTED MIDWEST ADOPTION AGENCY OUT OF DESPLAINES ILINOIS. FROM THERE THEY SENT US A COPY OF THE DCFS REPORT THEY HAD ON MY MOTHER AND MYSELF. BACK THEN IT WAS A BACK SITUATION, IT TURNS OUT THAT MY FATHER IS MY REAL GRANDFATHER. SO IN OTHER WORDS, MY GRANDFATHER PREGNATED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER HIS OWN DAUGHTER. SHE WAS 16 YRS OLD AND HE WAS 43. NOW MIDWEST IS TRYING TO FIND MY MOM. THEY ARE SEARCHING VERY HARD. I SHOULD BE HEARING SOMETHING REAL SOON AND PART OF IT WILL BE IF SHE WANTS TO HAVE CONTACT WITH ME. I HOPE SHE DOES WITH ALL MY HEART, THINGS NOT GOING TO WELL WITH MY ADOPTED PARENTS RIGHT NOW, ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. MY FIANCE DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO LOOK NOW. THE FORMS THAT MIDWEST SENT US WITH INFO ON THEM, DOES NOT GIVE OUT TO MUCH INFORMATION. I CANNOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE BIRTH RECORDS BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW MY BIRTH NAME. IF ANYONE HAS ANY INFORMATION AS TO WHO MY MOTHER IS OR WHERE I SHOULD GO NEXT PLEASE CONTACT MY FINACE AT LABONTEWOMAN43@AOL.COM GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE ON THE SITE AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL. LOSTMINDED76

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by lostminded76

HI EVERYONE IT IS LOSTMINDED. IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I HAVE POSTED ON HERE. SINCE MY FIANCE STARTED SEARCHING, THINGS HAVE WENT ALONG WAY. FIRST SHE SIGNED ME UP FOR THE ILLINOIS ADOPTION REGISTRY, THEN SHE REQUESTED FOR MY NON-ID INFORMATION (WHICH I MIGHT ADD WAS WRONG ABOUT THE AGE OF MY BIRTHPARENTS), THEN SHE CONTACTED MIDWEST ADOPTION AGENCY OUT OF DESPLAINES ILINOIS. FROM THERE THEY SENT US A COPY OF THE DCFS REPORT THEY HAD ON MY MOTHER AND MYSELF. BACK THEN IT WAS A BACK SITUATION, IT TURNS OUT THAT MY FATHER IS MY REAL GRANDFATHER. SO IN OTHER WORDS, MY GRANDFATHER PREGNATED ONE WAY OR ANOTHER HIS OWN DAUGHTER. SHE WAS 16 YRS OLD AND HE WAS 43. NOW MIDWEST IS TRYING TO FIND MY MOM. THEY ARE SEARCHING VERY HARD. I SHOULD BE HEARING SOMETHING REAL SOON AND PART OF IT WILL BE IF SHE WANTS TO HAVE CONTACT WITH ME. I HOPE SHE DOES WITH ALL MY HEART, THINGS NOT GOING TO WELL WITH MY ADOPTED PARENTS RIGHT NOW, ESPECIALLY MY FATHER. MY FIANCE DON'T KNOW WHERE ELSE TO LOOK NOW. THE FORMS THAT MIDWEST SENT US WITH INFO ON THEM, DOES NOT GIVE OUT TO MUCH INFORMATION. I CANNOT GO TO THE HOSPITAL FOR THE BIRTH RECORDS BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW MY BIRTH NAME. IF ANYONE HAS ANY INFORMATION AS TO WHO MY MOTHER IS OR WHERE I SHOULD GO NEXT PLEASE CONTACT MY FINACE AT LABONTEWOMAN43@AOL.COM GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE ON THE SITE AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU ALL. LOSTMINDED76

Just to let you know my heart goes out to you and I hope you have success soon. Regarding hospital records you may not have your birth name, but is the date of birth accurate? and could this lead to some sort of search. Sorry if this is not possible, but I am anxious for you to get a result and I feel very much for your situation. I think you are very brave to continue. Perhaps with the aparents, maybe (obviously only you know how they will respond) they need a whole lot of hugs and reassurance that this is not going to affect your relationship with them. I understand an awful lot more about everyone in the triad since reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier - maybe that will give you some additional insight. Also I noticed a section about tracing in the USA in the book The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - preparing yourself for the search, reunion and beyond by Julie Jarrell Bailey and Lynn N Giddens. Both can be obtained from a library.

Thanks for posting your results, you have probably encouraged more out there than you can possibly dream of. My son and I had reunion 13 months ago and he has had/still struggles with drugs/alcohol, but the connection and the identity between us was great. Its not going so well at the minute, but I am so glad he was brave enough to find me. A healing starts - so will yours, whatever you find. The above books will assist you in achieving sensitivity to all those that reunion/search hurts. I wish you all that anyone could possibly want from search and reunion - emotional fulfilment.

[deanac24]

I personally dont think that your adopted parents have the right to stop you from your search. Yeah your birth parents may have drug/alcohol problems but you wont know that unless you have the right to find them. Then YOU can decide what to do at that point.

[buttoneyes]

Originally Posted by lostminded76

hi, i am a 30 yr old male who was adopted when i was 18 mos old. i have great adopted parents and family but they will not allow me to read or see my adoption papers to help me find my real mother because they think that if i find my birth family if they are into drugs or alcohol, they might try to take away the nice things i have today. i am so lost, i want to find my birth mother and to know if i have any siblings out there. i need some answers also that pertains to my health and where i inheritated a few things. where do i go from here or where do i look? this has taunted me every since i can remember, i just want to fill the whole that is in my heart for my birth mother and try to reunite and get to know her, is that so bad? thanks and please help. lostminded76

Yes, they sound very nice indeed.


I can't think of anything nicer.

[buttoneyes]

I didn't read this thread all the way through.


I am sorry you found yourself in such a circumstance.